Boyfriend is worried his parent won't like me

LegacyUser

Well, my new boyfriend called over last night and he broached the topic of "where we were going".
We've been seeing each other a couple of months and he's stressing over a few things.

Mainly he thinks I want to settle down and he's not "ready" for that. But that stems from me saying I wasn't interested in a casual relationship(as in, it being just about sex) and he took that to mean I wanted to get married and have his babies. Lol

Basically he's never been in a relationship whereas I was in a very long term,serious relationship with my ex. We lived together, ahd a child, bought a house etc. We eventually split because I wanted to get married and have more children, he didn't, it caused problems and he cheated.

Anyway, the new bf is worried that he will hurt me as he wants to continue seeing me, likes me more than he's ever like any girl (his words) but he's afraid. I am close t my parents but very independent, I haven't lived with them since I was a teenager. He was very ill a few years back resulting in him needing full time care (kidney failure). He got a transplant and is doing well but still lives at home now and is very close to his parents. His mother had to nurse him full time and he is so grateful to her for that, that he is afraid of upsetting them. They are staunch catholics, fairly elderly (though not ancient) and he says they would really disapprove of me as I have a child.

So, what to do? I've told him if he's ashamed of me I don't want to be with him as I'm not ashamed of myself. He said he isn't but he is worried about causing family rifts. I told him I needed time to think about what he's said.

So what to do?
Break up with him now in case he can never get his head around upsetting his parents. Or stay with him and hope that by the time it comes time to meet the parents he's in love with me and the disapproval won't spell the end.

We're both mid-late 20s.

Taltos

OP this is just rotten.

Why not just take this bull by the horns.
You have told him how you feel. Reinforce to him that you love him - and that if his parents do choose to disapprove of you - well that is ok - provided it will not change how he feels of you.

Key thing is here - that they are at least respectful of you. Ideally they will see how happy you make their son.
Look - my family is alot older than his - and my parents were also of that generation or older, however in their case - all they ever wanted for any of their children was to be happy, and to be with someone who loved and respected them....
Your BF making these comments though - it seems that he could be transferring his fears onto them.

Tell him - that you appreciate his worries - but you are not ashamed of your child - by jeebus - even writing that annoys me.
So - if his parents - accept you - WONDERFUL.
If his parents do not - WONDERFUL.
If HE (Key player here) is too weak to make up his own mind and love you and your child for who you both are - well his loss....
It also sounds like you might need to talk about your wants and desires - ie longer term. Marriage - more children if that is what you want. If he is shying away from planning for the longer term - then maybe you need to find out why that is?
> could it be fear from his past health scare, could it be insecurity, and so on....

Sometimes we worry about the unknown, and sometimes we just worry to worry...

The only dealbreaker I see here is how your OH is with you. It is perfectly fine for his parents to worry about him - and yes even disapprove of you - that is their right (whether we agree with it or not - personally I think that way of thinking died out in the 70s/80s). But if they love their son - then they should be willing to see that you make him happy and to get past their worries. At a min though - they should always be respectful of you and your child and your relationship with their son...

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

OP this is just rotten.

Why not just take this bull by the horns.
You have told him how you feel. Reinforce to him that you love him - and that if his parents do choose to disapprove of you - well that is ok - provided it will not change how he feels of you.

Whoah there lol. We aren't at the "Love" stage yet. I really like him but it's only been a couple of months. It's very much early days.

Key thing is here - that they are at least respectful of you. Ideally they will see how happy you make their son.

Absolutely. I wouldn't stand for being mistreated but I'd have no issues with them if they chose not to be involved with me. Like, I don't need to be invited over for sunday lunch but I don't want to be bad mouthed.

Look - my family is alot older than his - and my parents were also of that generation or older, however in their case - all they ever wanted for any of their children was to be happy, and to be with someone who loved and respected them....
Your BF making these comments though - it seems that he could be transferring his fears onto them.

I know he has reservations about me having a child. He seems to think that because I wanted to get married to my ex that I want to get married to him. Now. He fails to see that I was with my ex for years before the topic came up. I'm happy with him now, the way things are but have told him that in time I would want things to progress. He is fearful of hurting me as he knows I have been hurt.

Tell him - that you appreciate his worries - but you are not ashamed of your child - by jeebus - even writing that annoys me.

I said as much and I got quite annoyed too. I pointed out that I did the "right" thing and had my child, raised her alone, worked and I have brought up a funny, smart, kind, well mannered child and I will never be ashamed of who I am nor will I be hidden away like a dirty secret.

So - if his parents - accept you - WONDERFUL.
If his parents do not - WONDERFUL.
If HE (Key player here) is too weak to make up his own mind and love you and your child for who you both are - well his loss....
It also sounds like you might need to talk about your wants and desires - ie longer term. Marriage - more children if that is what you want. If he is shying away from planning for the longer term - then maybe you need to find out why that is?
> could it be fear from his past health scare, could it be insecurity, and so on....

Sometimes we worry about the unknown, and sometimes we just worry to worry...

I think he is just afraid of the unknown and is getting ahead of himself. I doubt he expected to ever fall for a woman with a child and he can't get his head around the concept. He wants me to decide for him. But I won't. He wants me but he doesn't. But having my child has made me the confident self assured person that he likes. He says he really likes that he can be himself, that I'm easy going and I am confident and so happy. And part of that is because of being a single parent. I can be who I want to be because I've faced the stigma already and been through the glares while I was pregnant, the smart remarks etc. It cut me at the time but it made me stronger and now I know who I am and what I want. And for him it's a double edged sword.

The only dealbreaker I see here is how your OH is with you. It is perfectly fine for his parents to worry about him - and yes even disapprove of you - that is their right (whether we agree with it or not - personally I think that way of thinking died out in the 70s/80s). But if they love their son - then they should be willing to see that you make him happy and to get past their worries. At a min though - they should always be respectful of you and your child and your relationship with their son...

I personally think they'd get over it. I'm likeable and my daughter is just adorable. And if they didn't I can live with that. We aren't even at the "meeting the parents" stage anyway but he wants to pre empt it. He's worried we'll be together and I'll want to move things along and I'll meet them and they'll disapprove and he'll have to choose or it'll cause tension with his family.

Kimia

He sounds like a tool. He's 'afraid'? Seriously? How can you be with someone who is 'afraid' of 'hurting' you (bullsh*t) and who is living with his parents and is afraid that his mam won't like you or the fact that you have a child. We're not living in the 50's anymore.

He needs to grow up and I can't understand what you can see in him.

ash23

Kimia wrote: »

He sounds like a tool. He's 'afraid'? Seriously? How can you be with someone who is 'afraid' of 'hurting' you (bullsh*t) and who is living with his parents and is afraid that his mam won't like you or the fact that you have a child. We're not living in the 50's anymore.

He needs to grow up and I can't understand what you can see in him.

I think thats a bit harsh. This guy is still living at home, obviously cares about his parents and their beliefs and respects that. I have a situation in my family where some disapprove of one persons partner and it causes no end of aggro and hurt and disagreements. If my family didn't like my choice of partner then I'd have concerns about that. I might not let it sway me but it would definitely cause me to think about things.

OP I have a good friend who actually broke up with a guy because he too was worried about her having a child and his religious parents. They were apart for a few months and he realised he loved her, they got back together and after a couple of years they got engaged and are very happy together. Oh and his parents love her and her daughter

It can be hard for someone who has always towed the line to go against his/her parents and not conform when everyone else does.

I too am a single parent and I would have reservations and doubts about dating someone with a child. It is a big difference between dating a single person with no kids. The potential for damage is much greater if there's a child involved.

I would do as Taltos advised. Tell him you don't mind if his parents disapprove so long as he can live with that. If he can't though then it won't work.