DONT WANT TO BE GAY...

acrosstheborder

READING A THREAD EARLIER, I FELT COMPELLED TO REPLY, HOWVER, A MODERATOR TOLD ME TO POST HERE,ETC, HERE IT IS:



i came onto this website(a wealth of information) earlier for the first time for something else but felt the need to reply to this....

i am 27. i am gay. i am not out. No-one knows. hate this phrase but i am 'straight-acting'.

I WISH I WASNT GAY....for years i tried to repress it, when i hear people goin on about 'lifestyle choice', does one really think i want to wake up every morning and go to bed every night with this on my mind,really? It really is the first and last thing i think about...also all day, in the car, at work...

ive tried girlfriends, well two, not lasting longer than a year...never happy...

To combat my 'gayness'(in my opinion) i took up boxing and started lifting weights two years ago, i still do, this was to attract goodlooking girls(and it has done),making it easier for me to find them more attractive... but it had another unforeseen effect, i am attracting good looking gay men...and it kills me inside when i ignore them etc

I have slept with a few women...and men..., i meet these men at yello/mynt in belfast where many straight people go and mingle with 'gays',(which is how i end up there). I go out with my mates all the time, I am sociable,friendly and go out every weekend.Im in them clubs though, TRYING, wishing and wanting to desire a woman...after a few,good few drinks, I find myself wandering off to another part of the club (when in yello,say) on my own...it only takes two or three mins...before im chatted up/seduce a man...my heart races, i know this is what i want...and we're off. this has happened whilst my straight friends have been in the club with me.i havent been caught yet.i would know otherwise. please dont be judgemental.

I feel i am in a terrible situation, almost the beginnings of a double life.this i find disgusting. I would have loved to get married and have kids, i feel i would be a good dad, but id never adopt kids with another man and put kids through torture at school growing up...

I cant come out, but can i go on living like this??, surely there must be someone similar to me, in this situation....its ok for straight people to say homophobia has diminished, but they dont experience it, not really. When donal og cusack came out, it was so good for me, that for the first time in a few years i am reconsidering the question,should I come out.it was getting increasingly positive, until a rumour started to fly about a neighbour being gay and my mum, whom i wouldnt want to hurt, said that 'it will kill her parents'....couldnt believe it...

Its a tricky one really, I mean, I met a guy a few months ago, and he was like ' i cant believe your gay', he asked me if I was bisexual,and even then, to a gayman, I said I was. i lied. I couldnt even admit to him that i like men only. I am 100% gay, as much as I hate it, or as difficult it is to type it, it is what i am.

On this note, even though i dont find camp lads overly attractive, I admire their bravery and freely admit they have more balls than ill ever have.

Would u believe, despite what i have described above, i went to confession on xmas eve, and told the priest, and it felt so good, he was so supportive and said that it was easier to come out in ireland today, but after reading the threads on this page, im wondering, is it?

Dwn Wth Vwls

You say you can't come out, but you don't say why. You say you can't accept it yet you know that it's what you want and that you're 100% gay. What is it that's stopping you? What are you afraid of? Coming out doesn't mean you have to tell your family or broadcast it freely, you can ask friends to keep it to themselves.

acrosstheborder

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

You say you can't come out, but you don't say why. You say you can't accept it yet you know that it's what you want and that you're 100% gay. What is it that's stopping you? What are you afraid of? Coming out doesn't mean you have to tell your family or broadcast it freely, you can ask friends to keep it to themselves.

Hi dwv

I cant come out, because a) im afraid, b) my family would not accept me c) it may be something that i might regret later on in life.

Yes, mixed signals there alright, I am 100% gay, I just cant accept it, its just how i generally feel about the whole issue.

whats stopping me - fear, fear of rejection from family and friends, being seen as a liar, letting people down, hurting my mum. also my circle of friends, would not reject me but would act differently around me.

i have considered telling a select few, but feel I would be burdening them with a secret, and a secret like this I think would spread, despite my mates efforts.

I was considering telling my brother, the one im closest to, I dont know how to go about it or bring it up.

unreggd

Hi OP

I just wanna say, telling someone and accepting it yourself are not the same thing

Theres no law saying you HAVE to tell someone
And what you do with other men [or woman] is your private life. So keep it that way, if you want to.

Do you have any reason why you're convinced your family will reject you?

You're 27. Do you still live at home?

I know its easier said than done, but you just have to accept it. No point pretending that grass in blue!
Also, if you keep scoring girls for the sake of it, you'll only hurt them, and yourself

If your mates are true friends, they shouldnt care. Yes, theres a chance, and if they dont mind, it may be weird for a while, as they adjust.
Any reasons they'd have a problem, like any of them strongly homophobic?

Doop

One quick point as I can relate to everything you say... ive gone a step further and told a 'select few' and what shocked me the most is how much they just dont care! You build all this cr*p up in your head cos its a big issue to you.

You say you cant accept being gay, yet you go on to say your 100% gay, are you sure you havent accepted it. Life wont be any fun if you keep obsessing.

Get on with it, & enjoy it.

MicraBoy

Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt.

Ok so I was no muscle hunk, but my seemingly perfect life with gf, house etc. was a great cover for the inner turmoil I felt.

The thing you have in common with all gay people is your sexuality, nothing else. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

It is relatively easy to be gay in Ireland these days, you'll be disapppointed with the lack of reaction to it,because you have clearly built it up to such a degree that you have lost persepective. I assume you are quite religous which can't help.

Its time to seize the day. Start living your life for yourself and not others.

Oh and btw you are 27, you don't have long before people will be speculating you are gay anyway due to your lack of being married, beat them to the punch :P

Dwn Wth Vwls

acrosstheborder wrote: »

Hi dwv

I cant come out, because a) im afraid, b) my family would not accept me c) it may be something that i might regret later on in life.

Yes, mixed signals there alright, I am 100% gay, I just cant accept it, its just how i generally feel about the whole issue.

whats stopping me - fear, fear of rejection from family and friends, being seen as a liar, letting people down, hurting my mum. also my circle of friends, would not reject me but would act differently around me.

i have considered telling a select few, but feel I would be burdening them with a secret, and a secret like this I think would spread, despite my mates efforts.

I was considering telling my brother, the one im closest to, I dont know how to go about it or bring it up.

You're right, it is scary. For a lot of people it's the scariest and hardest thing they ever have to do, but they did it and so can you. I have every confidence in you, as I'm sure everyone else here does too.

You don't have to tell your family, and certainly shouldn't tell them first. You should remember that all parents really want for their kids is for them to be happy. Do you really think your mother would want you to be this miserable and scared?

It's easy to think that you're somehow not gay at the moment just because you're shoving it deep down inside, but that's not how it works. You were born gay and there's nothing you can do about it, it's just who you are. The only thing going on here is that you're not being honest with yourself or anyone else.

There's always a chance that some people won't be able to deal with it when you tell them, but it's no reason not to do it. The beauty about coming out is that you're suddenly being yourself. A gigantic burden is lifted off your shoulders and suddenly you're not double checking everything you say or do to make sure it doesn't "seem gay". You can finally relax and be yourself and stop thinking about it constantly, and that makes you a much more engaging person. If you lose some friends for it, you'll make twice as many new ones.

If you're worried that people will think you've been lying or that you've let them down, there's a simple solution. Stop lying to them all and start being yourself. I don't think anyone has ever truly regretted coming out. Certainly people have lost some friends or family over it, but that pales in comparison to not spending every waking moment being sad and scared.

You can do this. It's worth doing it. The sooner you do it, the better, and you'll wonder why you waited so long.

azezil

What you want is irrelivant, what you are cannot be changed so put up, shut up and get on with your life.

Nebit

acrosstheborder wrote: »

READING A THREAD EARLIER, I FELT COMPELLED TO REPLY, HOWVER, A MODERATOR TOLD ME TO POST HERE,ETC, HERE IT IS:



i came onto this website(a wealth of information) earlier for the first time for something else but felt the need to reply to this....

i am 27. i am gay. i am not out. No-one knows. hate this phrase but i am 'straight-acting'.

I WISH I WASNT GAY....for years i tried to repress it, when i hear people goin on about 'lifestyle choice', does one really think i want to wake up every morning and go to bed every night with this on my mind,really? It really is the first and last thing i think about...also all day, in the car, at work...

ive tried girlfriends, well two, not lasting longer than a year...never happy...

To combat my 'gayness'(in my opinion) i took up boxing and started lifting weights two years ago, i still do, this was to attract goodlooking girls(and it has done),making it easier for me to find them more attractive... but it had another unforeseen effect, i am attracting good looking gay men...and it kills me inside when i ignore them etc

I have slept with a few women...and men..., i meet these men at yello/mynt in belfast where many straight people go and mingle with 'gays',(which is how i end up there). I go out with my mates all the time, I am sociable,friendly and go out every weekend.Im in them clubs though, TRYING, wishing and wanting to desire a woman...after a few,good few drinks, I find myself wandering off to another part of the club (when in yello,say) on my own...it only takes two or three mins...before im chatted up/seduce a man...my heart races, i know this is what i want...and we're off. this has happened whilst my straight friends have been in the club with me.i havent been caught yet.i would know otherwise. please dont be judgemental.

I feel i am in a terrible situation, almost the beginnings of a double life.this i find disgusting. I would have loved to get married and have kids, i feel i would be a good dad, but id never adopt kids with another man and put kids through torture at school growing up...

I cant come out, but can i go on living like this??, surely there must be someone similar to me, in this situation....its ok for straight people to say homophobia has diminished, but they dont experience it, not really. When donal og cusack came out, it was so good for me, that for the first time in a few years i am reconsidering the question,should I come out.it was getting increasingly positive, until a rumour started to fly about a neighbour being gay and my mum, whom i wouldnt want to hurt, said that 'it will kill her parents'....couldnt believe it...

Its a tricky one really, I mean, I met a guy a few months ago, and he was like ' i cant believe your gay', he asked me if I was bisexual,and even then, to a gayman, I said I was. i lied. I couldnt even admit to him that i like men only. I am 100% gay, as much as I hate it, or as difficult it is to type it, it is what i am.

On this note, even though i dont find camp lads overly attractive, I admire their bravery and freely admit they have more balls than ill ever have.

Would u believe, despite what i have described above, i went to confession on xmas eve, and told the priest, and it felt so good, he was so supportive and said that it was easier to come out in ireland today, but after reading the threads on this page, im wondering, is it?

Listen, dont pay too much attention to some of the above comments like 'Get on with it' thats not exactly helpful.
i was in a similar situation to you, going out with women, taking up extra sports that i dont like, some that i did like yet didn want to seem like i like too much etc. i didn get with other men tho.
I am similar to you on the kids situation and i think my mother although very liberal said the same that 'it must kill his parents' when a friend of my sisters came out.

when i moved to the city women and men came on to me and it killed me thinking i couldn get wit a guy beside knowing i was 100% gay. Ultimately months passed and i would be upset about certain aspects of my life, often to the point of depression.
In the end something came over me and i said "F**K it" rang my sister and told her to tell the parents etc.
My friends followed soon after, nothing changed at all, everything seemed the same, i remained on the sports teams, went out with the same m8s, who eventually got me into a gaybar. everyone just said omg are you really gay but your like into straight stuff. thats cool.

the thought of telling someone is scarier than it is. generally i keep my sexual prefrances to myself but ultimately no one seems to care when i do.
but i do know what you meant by 100% gay but cant except it.
feel free to ask me anything.

baby and crumble

I agree with a lot of the previous posters- it can be hard to admit, but really, a hell of a lot of people really couldn't give a damn these days. It can be quite disappointing when you've been building yourself up for 10 or 15 years about this thing i your head that has been driving you mad, you finally tell your best mate, and they have no problem at all, and are actually offended that you don't fancy them!!! (yes, that's my story. My GF also told her best mate in a bar, best mate said 'Oh, ok. I'm getting another vodka. Want one?'. End of story, really!)

And the second thing I'll say is that parents, more often than not, surprise the hell out of you. Of course there are parents who freak and all that jazz. But I was convinced I was going to get kicked out of my house without a spare sock to my name- I had heard my folks talking about gay people, not in a nasty way, just in a 'that's a bit odd and it makes me uncomfortable' way. Turned out my Mam had no problem, Dad got a bit weirded out (he's old school) but now I think he prefers my gf to me! My Mum has since told me that my Dad is incredibly proud of me, and that he's chuffed he raised a daughter who was brave enough to live her life the way she wanted. Can't ask for more than that, really.

Anyway, apart from me getting a chance to tell me life story (:P), I just wanted to show you that it's not the end of the world. Family usually comes around, friends invariably do, and what's wrong with wanting love? Can you really live the rest of your life knowing you're living a lie, or worse, making a girl you don't love live one too, unknown to her?

And OP, I'm the same age as you. I came out when I was 21, and really, I've never been more confident in who I am. It's a great comfort when the rest of life goes down the pan. At least you're you.

Good luck!

pacific89

Dwn Wth Vwls wrote: »

You're right, it is scary. For a lot of people it's the scariest and hardest thing they ever have to do, but they did it and so can you. I have every confidence in you, as I'm sure everyone else here does too.

You don't have to tell your family, and certainly shouldn't tell them first. You should remember that all parents really want for their kids is for them to be happy. Do you really think your mother would want you to be this miserable and scared?

It's easy to think that you're somehow not gay at the moment just because you're shoving it deep down inside, but that's not how it works. You were born gay and there's nothing you can do about it, it's just who you are. The only thing going on here is that you're not being honest with yourself or anyone else.

There's always a chance that some people won't be able to deal with it when you tell them, but it's no reason not to do it. The beauty about coming out is that you're suddenly being yourself. A gigantic burden is lifted off your shoulders and suddenly you're not double checking everything you say or do to make sure it doesn't "seem gay". You can finally relax and be yourself and stop thinking about it constantly, and that makes you a much more engaging person. If you lose some friends for it, you'll make twice as many new ones.

If you're worried that people will think you've been lying or that you've let them down, there's a simple solution. Stop lying to them all and start being yourself. I don't think anyone has ever truly regretted coming out. Certainly people have lost some friends or family over it, but that pales in comparison to not spending every waking moment being sad and scared.

You can do this. It's worth doing it. The sooner you do it, the better, and you'll wonder why you waited so long.

WOW this is a really helpful post, reminds me that I want to, have to and will come out at some stage down the road.

acrosstheborder

hey guys

firstly, i just want to say thanks to all who wrote thoughful and kind replies. It is heartening to see so many people come out the other side happier and without regrets etc...

secondly, i should explain my situation a bit more, I grew up on the border, left home at 18, lived, worked and went to college in Dublin for four years. While there, I ejoyed the freeom of being away from home etc, but suppressed any homosexual thoughts to the back of my mind, as I embraced college life with straight friends and straight clubs. Also, I always had exams and deadlines to meet so I pushed all this to the back of my mind. After college, got a job, hated it, went back to college, this time in the uk, however.

This was my opportunity to start afresh, alas, I didnt. However, I partied even more, drank loads, went out all the time and was the wild fella in the class, cut a long story short, after four years, got my degree, and now completely qualified.

my point is that I always had distractions, my life revolved around deadlines and exams, now all that is gone and im staring into the abyss that is my future...however, this is where I started to accept myself more, to bring myself to be able to say out loud that I am gay,and increasingly thoguht about it more.


I moved to the north and in november, because of financial reasons, i moved back in with my parents and they have been really kind to me....but recently, i feel that i have this decision to make, i mean im not gettin any younger, I have to accept myself, be comfortable with it, and come out or there is the alternative, stay in the closet. Its almost as if life is now giving me this ultimatum, come out now or forever hold your peace....I dont know which option is the scarier one. Probably the latter.

Im not wallowing in self-pity here, cos ultimately it is my choice to be in the position that I am in. Obviously, I wouldnt come out whist Im still at home because it would be uncomfortable for my parents, esp. my mum. I think I will tell someone over the next few weeks, I need to.

As one poster said, I am 27 and it is a matter of time before people catch on or become suspicious. and another poster mentioned religion, I guess that didnt help, especially the way I was raised.

Thing is, a job opportunity has come up in liverpool and manchester, this could be my chance to explore my sexuality a bit more, with the safety net of distance, know for sure this is what I want, you know.

Howver, as another poster mentioned that I feel Im unsure because I have suppressed it so much, and this is probably true, because when i get close to tellni someone or build myself up to it, I feel well maybe I am not gay, and ask myself, 'do i fancy yer one at work?', but then again, no straight man would even think about kissing a guy, never mind do it, ever. speaks for itself.

thanks to all who posted and helped me out.
c

drusk

acrosstheborder wrote: »

....but recently, i feel that i have this decision to make, i mean im not gettin any younger, I have to accept myself, be comfortable with it, and come out or there is the alternative, stay in the closet. Its almost as if life is now giving me this ultimatum, come out now or forever hold your peace....I dont know which option is the scarier one. Probably the latter.

c

What is very evident here is that you have built up in your mind 'coming out' into such a monumental feat with unknown and possibly life-changing consequences. That's natural. Every gay guy who is about to come out does this. I was a quivering mess when telling my family. And when I told my straight-guy friends (one by one) my heart was beating out of my chest. However, the truth of the matter is, 'coming-out' isn't nearly as dramatic as your mind may lead you to imagine. Once you have uttered those words, 'I'm gay', nothing happens. The person takes it in, and then the two of you talk about it like rational, logical human beings. Think a bit more about how you told the priest, and truly appreciate his supportive reaction. If a priest, whose occupation and belief system demands him to denounce homosexuality, is able to react in such a way, then logically, will other peoples' reactions be that bad?

And don't think for a second that once you've told one person, then that's it, it's out. Tell one person at a time, starting with someone you are very close with. If you only tell people that care about you, then it won't spread as much as your mind would lead you to think! Everybody that is close to me, family and friends, knows that I am gay. But nobody in my professional life knows, and I'm happy to keep it that way. But just tell one person at a time. Maybe make a list of people you want to or feel you need to tell. Number them in order from easiest to hardest. Then set yourself a target of telling one person each week or month or whatever. Don't rush it. The more people you tell, the easier it gets.

Bottom line - you came into this world alone, and you will leave it alone. Don't look back on your life in 15 or 20 years time, when your youth has passed, and bitterly regret that you didn't have more meaningful sex or fall in love with more people. Life is too f*cking short. If the people in your life truly love you, they will accept you. I would bet everything I own that the people that you love and that matter to you WILL accept you, and nothing will change once you've told them.

I wish you courage. Let us know how it goes!

Reflector

acrosstheborder wrote: »

Thing is, a job opportunity has come up in liverpool and manchester, this could be my chance to explore my sexuality a bit more, with the safety net of distance, know for sure this is what I want, you know.

This could be a great thing. New city and new adventures. It would be more relaxing for you being away from cities where you feel that people may know you. Sure you need a new job anyway and if it doesn;t work out you can always come home.

acrosstheborder

just ot let ye all know, i managed to say them three words to a friend during the week. she was home from england, and after a few southern comforts, i told her. She was great about it and said sh would not bring it up again until i did. she was well aware that it might be something i regretted once sober.

as we headed into town for the paddys day parade the next day, i brought it up, sober. To be honest, i didnt feel a great weight lift from my shoulders, but that secret that i kept so close to my chest was now in the open. We had a good conversation bout it, (she said she had suspicions), but she told me not to tell my parents.

no matter what happens now, someone knows. i was talkin to her on msn again tonite and we were talkin bout it again, i guess im glad someone knows.

LeeRoyX

acrosstheborder wrote: »

just ot let ye all know, i managed to say them three words to a friend during the week. she was home from england, and after a few southern comforts, i told her. She was great about it and said sh would not bring it up again until i did. she was well aware that it might be something i regretted once sober.

as we headed into town for the paddys day parade the next day, i brought it up, sober. To be honest, i didnt feel a great weight lift from my shoulders, but that secret that i kept so close to my chest was now in the open. We had a good conversation bout it, (she said she had suspicions), but she told me not to tell my parents.

no matter what happens now, someone knows. i was talkin to her on msn again tonite and we were talkin bout it again, i guess im glad someone knows.

good for you mate! you're glad and that's excellent! when i confessed to my friends i wasn't glad enough cause inside i felt confession didn't help me to understand and accept myself though it was the first right step on that way. good luck to you!

Rick_

acrosstheborder wrote: »

just ot let ye all know, i managed to say them three words to a friend during the week. she was home from england, and after a few southern comforts, i told her. She was great about it and said sh would not bring it up again until i did. she was well aware that it might be something i regretted once sober.

as we headed into town for the paddys day parade the next day, i brought it up, sober. To be honest, i didnt feel a great weight lift from my shoulders, but that secret that i kept so close to my chest was now in the open. We had a good conversation bout it, (she said she had suspicions), but she told me not to tell my parents.

no matter what happens now, someone knows. i was talkin to her on msn again tonite and we were talkin bout it again, i guess im glad someone knows.

Good for you mate. It gets easier from here on in. Your confidence will grow and soon you may find yourself saying it to others, and without the need for alcohol. Good for you!

Dwn Wth Vwls

Congratulations! (And thanks for coming back to tell us.) Try and keep things moving so that you work towards telling more people, don't let this become your new rut.

mollzer

Congrats on telling someone!
It gets easier with time, and it is different for everyone.

I didnt 'come out' until I was 33! and the hardest person I had to 'come out' to was myself! That was the hardest thing of all, after years of supressing feelings and confused thoughts. It was the best thing I ever did, my life has changed dramatically since and I have never been happier!

gibson

Ive had a pretty similar experience.

Im 26 now and out to everyone pretty much, but it wasnt always like that! Like yourself Im very "straight acting", love and play football, dont find overly camp guys that attractive as you said, dont fit into the stereotypical role of a gay man. This is why it took me so long to come out but not even that to admit it to myself.

I struggled from the age of 13/14 all the way through school all the way through college. I felt the exact same way you explained. I knew deep down I was gay but wouldnt admit to myself let alone anyone else. I tried to fancy girls even tried to convince myself that i fancied girls. I'd stop myself before doing something that might seem "too gay". I wasn't very happy.

Not until I started working 3-4 years ago did I get the courage to admit it to myself and come out to my parents. I too had similar comments made by parents about other gay men. I dont know what encouraged me to do it but I just started telling one friend and then a few more and so on until I told my parents and my brother. A lot of people were shocked but not one friend turned their back on me, most didnt even care! None ever guessed that I was gay.

I wont pretend that coming out to my parents was easy or that it was easy for them once I told them, but they adapted and never loved me any less. It was just something new to them I suppose.

Once I came out I felt a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I felt good about myself and I felt as happy as Id been for a long, long time.

You've already taken the first step by admitting it to yourself, sometimes thats even harder. Took me 7-8 years lol You can try deny who you are and hide your feelings but your heart wont hide who it loves. Its a huge step I know but you will feel so much better being the person you are