Horrible choices :(

tig09

Hi All,
Not sure if I am posting this in the right thread considering what I am about to ask advice on but I really need the advice of people who maybe have been through this stage of massive doubt.....
I just discovered I am 7 weeks pregnant, I am with my BF 1.5 years and were both 29, not living together but he is in mine 24/7. I am working he just lost hours and is down to part time work. Last weekend I told him I was pregnant and okay it wasnt planned but were both adults so I expected him to feel like I did....Shocked, Scared but were adults, we will manage, there is never a prefect time for this. He has nephews and nieces and adores them, I dont really have any young kids around me so I expected him to be ok-ish about it. He wasnt. He cried, he wouldnt talk, he was like a black cloud for 2-3 days then told me he cannot do this, he doesnt want kids and isnt ready, cannot give a child the life he would like to right now. Basically wants me to consider abortion. He told me he would hold my hand through a termination !! and if i chose to have the baby, it was my choice, he would support me financially as much as he could but that's as far as he could manage. keeps saying he was happy the way we were......

I am lost, devastated, I feel like I have to make horrible choices that are not fair. I cannot nor do i want to be a single parent, moneywise I couldnt manage through maternity leave etc and afterwards....I dont know how I would cope. to consider abortion leaves crying but yet I CANNOT completely rule it out considering my other option.
I havent told anyone else yet, i dont know how to tell them. SO SO much going around in my head, one day I know what i want 1/2 hour later I am crying into his shoulder saying I dont know what to do.

Has anyone else been through this, am i being stupid, immature to hope he will adjust to this ? I would really appreciate any good or bad stories to help me, I feel very on my own right now.

Chet Zar

tig09 wrote: »

Hi All,
Not sure if I am posting this in the right thread considering what I am about to ask advice on but I really need the advice of people who maybe have been through this stage of massive doubt.....
I just discovered I am 7 weeks pregnant, I am with my BF 1.5 years and were both 29, not living together but he is in mine 24/7. I am working he just lost hours and is down to part time work. Last weekend I told him I was pregnant and okay it wasnt planned but were both adults so I expected him to feel like I did....Shocked, Scared but were adults, we will manage, there is never a prefect time for this. He has nephews and nieces and adores them, I dont really have any young kids around me so I expected him to be ok-ish about it. He wasnt. He cried, he wouldnt talk, he was like a black cloud for 2-3 days then told me he cannot do this, he doesnt want kids and isnt ready, cannot give a child the life he would like to right now. Basically wants me to consider abortion. He told me he would hold my hand through a termination !! and if i chose to have the baby, it was my choice, he would support me financially as much as he could but that's as far as he could manage. keeps saying he was happy the way we were......

I am lost, devastated, I feel like I have to make horrible choices that are not fair. I cannot nor do i want to be a single parent, moneywise I couldnt manage through maternity leave etc and afterwards....I dont know how I would cope. to consider abortion leaves crying but yet I CANNOT completely rule it out considering my other option.
I havent told anyone else yet, i dont know how to tell them. SO SO much going around in my head, one day I know what i want 1/2 hour later I am crying into his shoulder saying I dont know what to do.

Has anyone else been through this, am i being stupid, immature to hope he will adjust to this ? I would really appreciate any good or bad stories to help me, I feel very on my own right now.

Sorry to hear about that...have you considered contacting one of those crisis pregnancy agencies? Might be what you need right now to step back a bit and get some perspective - always help to talk to people used to helping people in situations like yours...

Xterminator

i think it would be helpful to get crisis counselling either with or without your partner.

If he doesnt reconsider, your choices would seem to be have the child, and risk lose your partner, put he child up for adoption, or terminate the pregnancy.

The option to terminate is not indefinate, and it wont be a choice if you wait to long beffore deciding what to do. Im not advocating any particular choice, as i woudnt presume to tell you what you should do, just pointing out, that this option is time sensitive

you state that you cant see yourself having this child and being a single mother. you would be surprised what you can do, but again, gving up your career, possibly your partner, and possibly your home are some of the things i am sure you are considering.

Get in to see a counceller in the irish family planning clinic. you can explore all your options with them, and they can advise you of any social welfare issues, work place issues, and even adoption practises, if you should consder that as an option.

i know its a shock, but i hope you manage to get your head around it, and make a choice that is best for you. good luck.

newmember2

Slightly OT and directed at your boyfriend rather than you, why do people have sex if they're not ready for the consequences?

Tell your boyfriend that your not ready for this either but you're prepared to accept what has happened - why isn't he. He has created a life, now if he could only be man enough to take responsibility for it...

lazygal

newmember? wrote: »

Slightly OT and directed at your boyfriend rather than you, why do people have sex if they're not ready for the consequences?

Tell your boyfriend that your not ready for this either but you're prepared to accept what has happened - why isn't he. He has created a life, now if he could only be man enough to take responsibility for it...

+1
Could not agree more. People know what causes pregnancy and shouldn't do doing it if they can't handle the consequences.
OP , insist he goes to councelling with you. If you decide to keep the baby but he opts out, insist on payment of maintenance. In this day and age, some men seem to think because they can opt out, they shouldn't have to face consquences. There is no such thing as a single parent, it takes two to make a baby and he wil just have to suck it up.

She Devil

Awh hey, its not that bad to be a single mother, you say your OH will support you financially! Ok so thats nappies food etc sorted for the baby! You will get your child benefit a month, which fair enough isn't much but its €150 (i think) that will cover other things!! You can be put on single mothers allowance!
And family always come together to help with child minding! It seems like the end of the world that your OH has backed you into this corner! But could you actually stay with him still knowing what he is asking of you, asking you to give up??

There is lots of help out there, and bare in mind you never meet a single mother who regrets her decision, it may be tough but it may be the best decision you ever made!
I know this is very different sitting on the fence hun, but your friends will help you to!!

You do have options, they are horrible ........ but your OH isnt being much of a man now is he!

mood

Xterminator wrote: »

i think it would be helpful to get crisis counselling either with or without your partner.

If he doesnt reconsider, your choices would seem to be have the child, and risk lose your partner, put he child up for adoption, or terminate the pregnancy.

The option to terminate is not indefinate, and it wont be a choice if you wait to long beffore deciding what to do. Im not advocating any particular choice, as i woudnt presume to tell you what you should do, just pointing out, that this option is time sensitive

you state that you cant see yourself having this child and being a single mother. you would be surprised what you can do, but again, gving up your career, possibly your partner, and possibly your home are some of the things i am sure you are considering.

Get in to see a counceller in the irish family planning clinic. you can explore all your options with them, and they can advise you of any social welfare issues, work place issues, and even adoption practises, if you should consder that as an option.

i know its a shock, but i hope you manage to get your head around it, and make a choice that is best for you. good luck.

If the OP does decide to have the child she doesn't HAVE to give up her career. It will depend on her situation. The OP also needs to think about the future of her relationship with her boyfriend if she does have an abortion. I know I couldn't continue a relationship with a guy who would put me in this situation. Also if the guy can't handle the possibility of fatherhood at 29 what are the chances he could handle it in the future.

I agree with contacting one of those crisis pregnancy agencies.

tig09

newmember? wrote: »

Slightly OT and directed at your boyfriend rather than you, why do people have sex if they're not ready for the consequences?

Tell your boyfriend that your not ready for this either but you're prepared to accept what has happened - why isn't he. He has created a life, now if he could only be man enough to take responsibility for it...

thanks ! of course we both knew the consequences but we used protection and it still happened, telling me im being OT is neither helpful nor constructive, i asked for advice to help make an informed choice not insults.

paperclip2

Hi OP,

Ok so your boyfriend cant be counted on as a support for the moment but you really do need to talk to someone impartial. The last thing you should do, or that you are actually capable of doing at the moment (damn hormones) is making a decision as big as this on your own. www.positiveoptions.ie has contact info on counselling supports across Ireland for crisis pregnancies and might be a good place to start. Also maybe think about telling a family member or a close friend that you know will be supportive.

Your boyfriend may come round or he may not. Thats the reality, but right now I think you need to be looking at what options are best for you. Whether you decide to have an abortion or not, for your own peace of mind please make sure that this is your decision and not something you feel forced into through fear of the future or pressure from anyone else.

This too shall pass OP, as scary and horrible as things are right now it wont last for ever. And its is completely possible to keep your job and have a career and do great things with your life even as a single parent.

Take care OP. Hugs ((()))

ash23

OP, sorry to hear you're facing this predicament.

I can't tell you what to do. Nobody can. But I'll share my experience.

When I was 19 I found out I was pregnant. The dad didn't want to know and like your guy, urged me to have an abortion.
My head was all over the place. How would I manage alone, what would I do about college, work, etc? Where would I live? Would I be able to raise a child?

He was frying my head with ultimatums and telling me how bad we would be as parents.
Eventually I just stopped answering his calls, having asked him to give me some space to think about everything.
I spent a couple of weeks thinking things over and long and the short of it, I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. It was the right choice for me at the time (though faced with the predicament again tomorrow I don't know what choice I would make now).
Anyway I told him and he was unimpressed and I haven't heard from him since.

My daughter is 7 now. I never did go back to college though I do work full time. Its hard. I won't lie or pretend it's something it isn't. It's wonderful too, but hard going.
Your life basically now revolves around someone else. Every decision you make, every second of every day, every penny you have, is now about someone else. And I don't regret it but I don't endorse it either. If you are ok with that then go for it. If not then don't.

I don't want to sing the praises of having a baby, nor do I want to paint a sob story of being a single parent.
It's wonderful and terrible, fulfilling and empty, lonely and smothering but you'd never feel love like it, it's up and down and all over the place. It's bloody hard but rewarding.

Only you can make the choice but my advice to you is to take some time and space and decide for yourself. Don't let you boyfriend fill your head with what he wants. Because ultimately you will be left holding the baby. If he decides to offer support then great, but don't rely on it.
Don't let him pressure you into anything.
Sort out what YOU want and then discuss it with him and let him make his decisions from there.

I know that it was MY decision to keep my daughter and because of that, I'm ok. I;m at peace with him not being involved. I made my choice, he made his. But I had nobody in my head space telling me what to do. Was it the right decision? Who knows. Because I have no idea what my life would be like if I'd had an abortion. It may be better, it may be worse. But I made my choice. I wasn't co-erced or forced or persuaded into anything. So I can live happily with that decision and have no regrets.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

HI OP,
I'm really sorry to hear of your predicament. As a female, I can totally empathise that this is an agonising decision.

As someone suggested - contact positiveoptions.ie They will help you in terms of deciding what YOU want to do. Be careful of rogue agencies like the Well Woman Centre on Dorset st which basically do nothing but bully and intimidate women and they will not give you any information about abortion.

I think you need to talk to someone about what this might entail for you and your life if you decide to continue with the pregnancy and then have a baby. Forget about your relationship right now and try to think ahead 3 years - where you want to be and what you want out of life and whether or not you are willing to deviate from that.

There are many single mothers who do just fine but please do not feel guilty if you dont want to be a mom just yet. This is your body and you have the right to choose what you want to do with it, and with your life.

I also think it is extremely unfair that posters are slating your boyfriend for not 'manning' up! He is! He has offered maintenance. If he doesn't want to be a father right now that's his choice. Similarly, if you didn't want to be a mother you would be fully within your right to have an abortion without consulting him.
And it's utter nonsense on the part of the posters who are saying if you don't want a baby you shouldn't have sex. What world do these people live in??

OP, don't let all of that stuff get to you. As I said - think about what YOU want independent of your boyfriend and talk to someone else about it.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Barracudaincork

tig09 wrote: »

telling me im being OT is neither helpful nor constructive, i asked for advice to help make an informed choice not insults.

Hi OP, i could be wrong but i think the poster ment Off Topic by his "OT"and nothing rude, although i can see why you may think it was judging by the comment afterwards.