Critique's appreciated

Brian CivilEng

Hello all, I just discovered this forum. It never occurred to me that there would be other people interested in creative writing on boards. Let me introduce myself, I am a 28 year old guy, currently jobseeking like almost 12% of the population so I try to use a lot of my free time to write. I used enjoy writing while in school, but my college course and career took me in a completely different direction so I forgot about it, until now. I am currently trying to write one novel, 4000 words in but I have the outline story of 20 chapters prepared. I also have a notebook full of ideas that I may develop.

I enjoy trying to write short stories. To keep myself writing I challenged myself to write a few stories using the formula for a particular genre of movie, but not deal with the usual topics of that genre. I am including a completed first draft here, a story about a girl trying to pluck up the courage to play a musical instrument on front of a crowd, but done in the style of a chick flick. The whole thing was inspired by a lyric in a Flight of the Conchords song. I put this one up on my blog which only has a readership of a few of my friends, so would like to get comments from someone who doesn't know me from Adam.

OK, thanks for indulging me, the piece will be included as a reply to this post. See you on the other side.

Brian CivilEng

Never been a Concert Flautist
Life was going great for Marie. She was a young single girl in the big city, with a job she liked and plenty of friends. She worked hard as a receptionist for a firm of solicitors Savage Crowley, and was hoping to be promoted to Mr. Savage’s PA in the near future. She only had one regret in her life, Marie had played the flute since she was a child, and was actually quite good at it. But she had never played on front of a crowd since a failed attempt at a school play aged 14. So she finally plucked up the courage and telephoned a local open mic night. She asked for five minutes to show her talent.

“How about next Thursday at 9:30, can you make that?”

“Thursday at 9:30pm, that’ll be perfect”

Marie heard the sound of someone clearing their throat. She looked up to see Aoife, the accounts secretary and rival for the PA job, standing at the desk.

“If it doesn’t infringe too much on your personal call may I see the new letterheads”

“I’ve already passed those on to Mr. Warren...”

“You were supposed to submit them to me before wasting Charles’ time. Only I may decide if they are up to the standard he requires”.

Marie hated when Aoife used Mr. Warren’s first name, she knew Aoife was trying to demonstrate her seniority but Marie knew that Aoife never referred to him as Charles to his face.

“He came to my desk and asked for them.. What was I meant to do?”

Aoife didn’t have a response for this, she just turned away in a huff, and started to walk away before she suddenly stopped and said

“You are supposed to make personal calls on personal time”.

She walked away in victory. Marie knew Aoife had heard her plans, she hoped that it wouldn’t ruin the night.

Thursday evening and Marie asked the bartender where she could find Tony, the man organising the open mic night. She could hardly believe it, tonight she would finally put the ghost to rest and play on front of a crowd. The bartender pointed her to a man sitting on his own in the corner, busy writing on a clip board. Marie introduced herself.

“Oh hi, we’re going to put you on in the second half. There is actually another girl playing the flute tonight and she arrived first so she is on in the first half”.

Marie was a little taken aback, she didn’t mind not being the only flautist on tonight, but the thought of sitting for over an hour before she got to perform filled her with nerves. She thought about slipping out to a coffee shop and waiting there.

“Hey Marie, we have a table upstairs near the back”.

It was Matthew from the office, Aoife had told everyone, darn.

“Hey Matthew, who else is here?”

“Oh just the usual crowd, Tom, Jen, Barry and Maebh”.

Marie breathed a sigh of relief, at least Aoife wasn’t there, but how did everyone find out if it wasn’t Aoife?

“Who’d have thought that Aoife was a musician eh? Listen I’m heading to the bar, do you want anything”.

Marie was flabbergasted; this could not be a coincidence, Aoife a musician and another flautist on in the first half. She spotted Aoife walking in to the ladies toilets, so made her apologies to Matthew and followed her in.

“What do you think you are doing, this was supposed to be my night!” Marie shouted at Aoife.

“Hey, this is an open mic night, anyone can be here. You don’t run stuff by me, why should I run stuff by you”.

Marie could not believe this woman, she threw her flute at Aoife and stormed out of the toilets. She went to the coffee shop next door to calm down, and decided there was no way she could go on that night. After returning to the pub she was unable to find her flute in the bathroom. She decided to just tell Tony she wasn’t going to perform and go home. Tony didn’t try to talk her out of it, he was used to acts getting a case of the nerves. Instead he invited her back whenever she wanted. Marie decided she’d at least stay and watch Aoife, but as Aoife made her way up to the stage the realisation dawned that she had Marie’s flute clutched under her arm. That was the last straw and Marie stormed out of the pub. She didn’t want to go home so she just wandered around the city centre. A couple of hours later she found herself standing outside the music shop, staring at a lovely clarinet. Just then her phone rang; it was her best friend enquiring as to how the night went. Marie broke down into tears as she told the story.

Her good mood didn’t last long however, as the next morning the whole office was buzzing about how well Aoife had played. Nobody had even noticed that Marie left early. Marie sank into a depression that lasted a few weeks. This was made even worse when it was announced that Aoife was to become the personal assistant to Mr. Savage. However this event also spurred Marie’s best friend to buy her the clarinet to make her feel better. Marie began to take lessons and soon forgot about the incident with the flute. Aoife’s promotion was meant that she had less time to spend hassling Marie, so work became slightly easier. Soon things were back to normal and Marie began to consider trying to play on front of an audience again.

This time it was going to be different. Marie arrived early at the open mic night and could not see anyone she recognised in the audience. She found Tony, as usual sitting on his own in the corner poring over a clipboard. “

You are going on third Marie”

“Any flautists on tonight?” Marie asked warily.

“Not tonight, best of luck”.

Marie left her clarinet with Tony as she went into the bathroom to freshen up. She looked at herself in the mirror, “this is it and nothing is going to stop you getting on stage tonight.”

It was her night, or so she thought as upon returning to Tony to pick up her clarinet she saw Aoife standing there chatting with him.

“Hey Marie, you are going on fourth now, this girl is one of our best acts and she’d like to go on third, hope you don’t mind”.

Aoife smirked but Marie wasn’t going to let it bother her tonight. Aoife was called to the stage, and Marie noticed that she had left her flute behind. Not her flute, it was Marie’s old flute! The cheek, Aoife was still using that flute, or was she, it was time for her to go on stage and she hadn’t returned for it. That’s when Marie noticed her clarinet was missing. Aoife had taken the clarinet and now it was going to happen all over again. Marie looked at her flute and remembered the night she had tried to play at the school talent show. She thought that maybe she should just take the flute and go home, forget about trying to play in public. She lifted it up and just then she heard her name being called from the top of the stairs.

“Marie, you are going on right now, this girl needs to be taken off she is atrocious”

Aoife ran past him in tears, throwing the clarinet at Marie,

“You did that on purpose” she screamed. Marie picked up the clarinet and noticed that the tissue paper she had used for cleaning it was still stuck inside. She removed the paper as she heard herself being introduced on stage.

“This is it” she thought as she walked up to the stage and finally achieved her goal.

dawvee

First of all, good on ya for getting writing again! I know what you mean about getting diverted from it, the same happened to me in college.

I read over the story, and there are a few things that stand out to me.

The tone is a little flat. It doesn't feel like the narrator has much of a voice - it comes off as just a chronology of events. Developing a voice mostly comes with practice, but for a start you might try slowing down a bit. Don't just tell us what happens next, pick a few key moments in the narrative and dwell on them a bit more with all the gory details. Describe the sounds, the sights, smells, use metaphors or similes, give us enough information to construct something solid in our minds. Give your readers fewer, tangible things to focus on instead of just dumping "the whole story" on us all at once.

Give us some emotion, too. For example: "the thought... filled her with nerves" doesn't really engage us, it's just purely declarative. It's not enough to just tell us how the character feels, your job as the narrator is to hint at how WE'RE supposed to feel about it. Are we supposed to feel anxious along with her? Are we supposed to be laughing at her? Your reader isn't going to care what happens just because things are happening, we need something to draw us into the story and make us care. Spend more time conveying those emotions, and again, use concrete language (descriptions, comparisons, etc.) to really drive it home.

There are a few nitpicks with the characters and such as well (They both play clarinet too? Really??), but the narration itself is the first hurdle. It's the old saw you've probably seen everywhere already: Show, don't tell. Good luck, and keep at it!

Brian CivilEng

Thank you for your comments, made me spot something that I was way too close to the writing to spot before. I am really looking forward to the second, and third and fourth drafts of this.

I have to ask though, is it just me or does everyone blush bright red at the thought that someone else has just read what you have written?

dawvee

abitofacomedian wrote: »

I have to ask though, is it just me or does everyone blush bright red at the thought that someone else has just read what you have written?

It's not just you, don't worry! It gets easier the more you do it, though. When I started writing I would sit on things for months before I could bear to show anyone, but now I can't wait to subject people to my random scribblings!

ToasterSparks

I did like the piece, but there is one thing I didn't like, and that was the way you dealt with time - in particular time periods.

That was the last straw and Marie stormed out of the pub. She didn’t want to go home so she just wandered around the city centre. A couple of hours later she found herself standing outside the music shop, staring at a lovely clarinet. Just then her phone rang; it was her best friend enquiring as to how the night went. Marie broke down into tears as she told the story.

Her good mood didn’t last long however, as the next morning the whole office was buzzing about how well Aoife had played. Nobody had even noticed that Marie left early. Marie sank into a depression that lasted a few weeks. This was made even worse when it was announced that Aoife was to become the personal assistant to Mr. Savage. However this event also spurred Marie’s best friend to buy her the clarinet to make her feel better. Marie began to take lessons and soon forgot about the incident with the flute. Aoife’s promotion was meant that she had less time to spend hassling Marie, so work became slightly easier. Soon things were back to normal and Marie began to consider trying to play on front of an audience again.

At times, you had long passages in a certain scene, then in the next sentence it was a few hours later, then the next sentence explained what happened in the next few weeks. This doesn't work, and I felt like I was skipping through the story too fast, with sentences being written to advance the story only. In order to build a relationship with the characters you need to weave the plot into the story and take your time with it.

Show, don't tell I guess! When you just state what happens, the connection with the characters (in this case, primarily Marie) gets lost. We don't get to experience her reaction (emotionally or otherwise) when we have a list of what happens.

So, to sum up:

- Show, don't tell
- Be wary of the flow of time (jumping from minute-by minute dialogue to hours later, to weeks later)

Otherwise, I liked the idea and the characters you've begun to show to us.

pickarooney

I found it very flat, a straight up X follows Y follows Z. Try taking bits of it and rewriting them in different ways, e.g. from the perspective of each of the characters involved, see can you breathe more life into it.

Oryx

I liked the idea behind the story, but as others have said, it read little like a list of things that happened rather than pulling me inside Maries head and making me feel and understand what she is living through.

It feels as though you wrote this in a hurry to get your facts down. On a rewrite, slow down, get inside her head, see what she sees and describe what she feels, both physically and emotionally. Dont just say she couldnt believe the cheek of the woman, say how her face got hot and her eyes stung with tears. Describe the music that is played. Tell me if Aoife smells stinky from to much scent. Involve my senses.

Tell us whats happening with Marie, rather than listing in a yadda yadda way that she did this or did that. Your story has a long timeline and a bit to explain, so I think extend it out, more in this case is more.

Brian CivilEng

Thank you all for your comments, I appreciate everyone reading my bit. I have been reading over some of my other pieces and I think I can spot the same issues arising there too. So it's back to the writing board for now. I'll be back with another draft soon.