Sex

chardonnay

All you ladies out there
I have seen earlier threads on boards on this matter. But i wasn't sure if there was any new thinking.

I'm a 45 year old woman who has decided that, despite my resignation on this subject all my life, it is NOT too late to solve this problem. Sex hurts and i've never had an orgasm. Is there a good sex therapist that could be recommended in the country? Here's to all of you out there having good sex and I hope I can be counted amongst you one day...

Dudess

Has this always been the case for you?

Nevyn

Hiya,

Well I would start by going to your dr and getting a referral to a gynecologist to make sure that there is not a physical medical reason and asking the gyn for a further referral.

Some times such issues are between your legs and some times they are between your ears. Sexual responses are a strange thing at times, some people have to be taught them, to know and learn that certain touches and sensations are pleasurable it doesn't happen automatically for them, esp if they are not used to their body being touched.

I would suggest that maybe you consider doing some reading on and some tantra exercises to get you more in tune with your body.

chardonnay

thanks for your replies Thaedydal and dudess. I have been in two long term relationships, neither with good sex lives...which when i look back is probably the main reason they ended. its a strong bond i guess. i thought up to recently that it was a physical thing but really where does 'physical' end and 'psychological' begin....?

It could be sexual repression from my catholic upbringing but i doubt it...that hasn't stopped my sister or brothers from having normal sex lives. I was born with mild spina bifida and had to have a lot of urinary catheters when i was young. I think they caused me to develop an aversion to anything foreign that approached me. So i get very aroused and excited when with a man but then it all levels off and fades. Its very frustrating....

Anyone that might know a good therapist pls let me know. But i think you are right Thaedydal I need to get physical check up first..

Nevyn

chardonnay wrote: »

It could be sexual repression from my catholic upbringing but i doubt it...that hasn't stopped my sister or brothers from having normal sex lives. I was born with mild spina bifida and had to have a lot of urinary catheters when i was young. I think they caused me to develop an aversion to anything foreign that approached me. So i get very aroused and excited when with a man but then it all levels off and fades. Its very frustrating....

That could well be part of the problem, those associations and reactions to having certain parts of your body touched which your brain has made may well be holding you back.

But what about your sexual relationship with yourself?
I certainly think that every woman should own their own orgasm and that a person needs to start by being a good lover to themselves before they can share that with someone else.

kjl

I live in the states, and over here they have this product called ky intense, I've heard a lot of women say its amazing

chardonnay

Its strange but i find it very hard to talk to fellow irish friends about this. How many women masturbate regularly. I am not a good lover to myself at all. I don't know how to arouse myself or maintain the arousal. Anyway today is the first step. I've tried using lubricant before to play with myself and read erotic literature, none of it seems to work. I get aroused but can't maintain it or climax.

I'll keep you posted. I've made an appointment with my gynae and will see what she says. In the meantime i found a book, called electrify your sex life - how to get over sexual hangups, which outlines some relaxation/awareness exercises. I'll give em a blast as well.

It would be GREAT to hear from someone who had these issues and has overcome them...

thanks gals

LegacyUser

Hey OP, it's great that you're taking action on this, I suffered with similiar problems, still do to a certain extent, but it's much much better. I'll just let you know how things went for me..

I went to gynae first, she examined me, and also sent me for an ultrasound to check for any internal issues. Nothing showed, so it was what I kind of expected, pyschological. Initially for me it was completely impossible to have sex(actually at the very start I couldn't even use tampons!!)
In this case it's generally recommended to get counselling to deal with the underlying issue and also to got comfortable and used to your own body, and gently work on putting things in there yourself. Vibrators are great for this, and sure in time, it's fun too

these days I enjoy sex probably 90-95% of the time, but still have the odd time when it hurts. It's quite a difference for me though!

Best of luck with this, your gynae will be able to talk you through what the best options are for you

Dudess

Are you in any form of sexual relationship now? Or if not, when you are, do you feel comfortable talking to a partner about what you experience during sex? Are you able to ask him to be gentle and to allow for the fact that you need to go at your own pace?

chardonnay

ages since i logged into boards.ie. I went to the albany clinic since last talking to you all and she recommended an omax vibrator, which is fab i'm sure but i still cant get myself to that excited stage. I can with a man and having just met someone new (too early to say if he'll be a long term practice option...;)) and we had sex that was quite pleasant: not at all painful. but i find myself wanting to fake orgasms. Now convinced that i need to condition myself to have orgasms on my own and that then it will happen with a guy. any update from you gals?

Neyite

i think you need to experiment by yourself a bit in privacy before bringing another person and their pleasure into the mix.

the ann summers does a bullet vibrator, which is great - some evening, pour yourself something nice to drink, light a candle, and experiment with one of those - the objective is not to have an orgasam, but to find what pleasures you.

the harder you work towards an orgasm, the more elusive it becomes. as they say, practice makes perfect, so once you are easily climaxing by yourself, then its so much easier to show a partner what floats your boat. let them use the bullet on you.

happy exploring!