meeting the ex

LegacyUser

hi all,
i posted here early Jan of this year (had a look so as to have a link to my story but i cant find it) basically ,i broke it off with my girlf of 2.5 years as while she was away travelling, another bloke to a fierce shine to her and persistantly chased her. eventually he kissed her and she didnt tell me. i found out via another person, and confronted herself.
she admitted to him kissing her, but maintained that she always told him she was taken etc and didnt tell me as we were apart physically as she was travelling, and thought that telling me would set me off into a world of anger/doubt etc.
anyways, we break up in November just gone, as i cant belive she doesnt tell me something so huge as that, then at xmas she makes contact. basically telling me how getting over me was really hard, she cant get back with me after the pain of the breakup etc.
so i tried getting on with things, joined a gym, hung out with friends etc. except im still missing her big time, so the other day i rang her, we chatted for over an hour and agreed to meet up. she pointed out that us meeting will not involve getting back together, as she knows im still carrying a torch for her. i say ok, i just want to hang out with her again, i havent seen her since november so im dying to jsut be around her again and have a laugh with her. (we were really really close, like best friends as well as lovers)
so wimmins..why has she agreed to meet me here?
(a) to pacify me?
(b) cos shes single and it would be a timely ego boost to have someone after her
(c) she like me, saying she wants to just hang out but secretly hoping that something good comes out of it
(d) any other angle i havent covered

im really confused here and dont want to fall flat on my face so all advice will be appricated!

thanks for reading

minidazzler

I will take to pacify you as the reason.

She made it VERY clear ye are not getting back together, so that means she isn't looking for the ego boost and that she doesn't want you back.

Other angle's could include she wants to be friends, I advise against this route for you since you still have feelings for her.

LegacyUser

hi thanks for the reply,
ok so if shes trying to just pacify me, is it a bad idea us meeting up at tall?
im leaning on the hope that once shes around me again, the old feelings may make a return, and she may begin to realise how good we had it as a couple. am i just being a complete fool for thinking that?
why is ask this is because when i asked her if she wanted to meet up, i also asked is she not even a teeny bit curious to see if there is anything still there,and she replied with of course she is, but she doesnt want me arriving thinking that all i have to do is to put in a few hours together and boom we are back on track. does that make much sense? (she knows im the type that will just say look, come on lets get over this and move on)
we have spent the evening texting back and forth, nothing deep, just general pishpull, so i wont read too much into anything there, except for the fact that it appears that she wants the friends side at the very least, she doesnt hate me in other words.

Mixedup

I would say that if you are going to go, then go with the midset that NOTHING will come of it, and then you won't be disappointed. If you're going purely with the hope of getting back together, and it doesnt happen, then you'll be back where you started.
Might as well go, to get it out of your system, then if/when nothing comes of it, i'd say cut contact and move on, try again at the friends thing in a year or so.

Giblet

really confused wrote: »

hi thanks for the reply,
ok so if shes trying to just pacify me, is it a bad idea us meeting up at tall?
im leaning on the hope that once shes around me again, the old feelings may make a return, and she may begin to realise how good we had it as a couple. am i just being a complete fool for thinking that?

This never happens. I think you should just leave it. Move on.

king_of_inismac

Don't meet her.

You're having trouble getting over her already. Don't reopen the wound!

LegacyUser

hi all,

thanks for the continued replies.
then general consensus here is either meet with little or no expectations or dont meet at all by the replies im getting.
has anyone been in this situation and ever had a more positive outcome? probably a silly question, but when it comes to affairs of the heart, iv always tried to be the eternal optomist!

i do feel she has a few lingering feelings for me, surely she must, we were really crazy about one another and were really close. im openly admitting to her that i still carry a torch for her, dispite me finding out she let another bloke kiss her while she was with me,(on holiday or not) and not once tell me, im capable of forgiving and forgetting it, surely she can meet me half way and see that i broke it off in the 1st place beacuse i was so hurt and needed time to heal, i didnt break it off becuse i suddenly decided i didnt love her anymore.

does anyone see where im coming from or am i gone off on a tangent?

peter p

tell her to go do one, and move on! the "lets just be friends" thing never works, espiecally if you still have feelings for her.
walk away bro!

Miss Fluff

You're only causing trouble for yourself by meeting her as you seem to be full of false hope whereas she has moved on and doesn't want to get back together. This is like a cut that is beginning to heal and scab over and you want to wade in and RIP the scab off and make it bleed again. Regardless of what you say or convince yourself of, you are meeting her in the hope that it will reignite the spark and you will get back together when in actual fact the most probable outcome is your head will be completely fried....

LegacyUser

Been there dude, I know you really want this to work out the way you want it but it wont. I threw my mates advice into the wind when I did this and you will just end up feeling mixed up.

It only natural to feel mixed up after a breakup but this wont help.

Time and spending time else where is the only healer. your obviously in contact with the girl and I suggest you completly cut contact, at least until you know your over her.

Giblet

really confused wrote: »

hi all,

thanks for the continued replies.
then general consensus here is either meet with little or no expectations or dont meet at all by the replies im getting.
has anyone been in this situation and ever had a more positive outcome? probably a silly question, but when it comes to affairs of the heart, iv always tried to be the eternal optomist!

i do feel she has a few lingering feelings for me, surely she must, we were really crazy about one another and were really close. im openly admitting to her that i still carry a torch for her, dispite me finding out she let another bloke kiss her while she was with me,(on holiday or not) and not once tell me, im capable of forgiving and forgetting it, surely she can meet me half way and see that i broke it off in the 1st place beacuse i was so hurt and needed time to heal, i didnt break it off becuse i suddenly decided i didnt love her anymore.

does anyone see where im coming from or am i gone off on a tangent?

You should like me a few months ago. I started with the same thoughts. And now I regret every second of it. Just walk away, trust me, there are others out there and when you meet someone else you'll forget about this girl. She told you where you stand and you have convinced yourself that there is more to it. There isn't, and you can continue to convince yourself. She just wants to meet, she doesn't want anything else.

LegacyUser

Hi op,

the reason the general consensus is to not meet etc is because we've been there, done that and well, you know the rest.

My heart goes out to you, op. I myself have been in a very similar situation " if we just meet all the same old feelings will come back and they'll want to be with me again" instead it reopened very ouchy wounds and no, they did not want to be with me again, it took me even longer to get over them!

Unfortunately it rarely ends well, this ex meetups. And she has already stated that you two WONT be getting back together. Save yourself the pain and don't go there!

PeterIanStaker

Walk away man, your'e only gonna get more hurt

Kimia

OP please listen to everyone here, they are all saying the same thing for a reason.

She has already said that she doesn't want to get back together. It's not going to have a happy ending.

Believe me - i was the girl in that situation. My ex and I met a few times and he still held a torch and I had no interest - i was just meeting him to be nice, to be honest.

She's been honest with you. Don't meet her unless you're 100% ok with the fact that you will never get back together.

Barracudaincork

really confused wrote: »

. she pointed out that us meeting will not involve getting back together, as she knows im still carrying a torch for her.

(c) she like me, saying she wants to just hang out but secretly hoping that something good comes out of it

Hi OP i think no one would say it doesnt involve us getting back together and pick option c, its to much of a risk to say if you really want to be with someone, if she feels like option c she would never of mentioned anything about getting back together so she wouldnt jinx it, and she would just wait and see.

I think if you were as close etc as you say then she is being honest with you out of respect for what you did have and i think you need to believe her, as crap as that reality is!

i-digress

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Hi OP i think no one would say it doesnt involve us getting back together and pick option c, its to much of a risk to say if you really want to be with someone, if she feels like option c she would never of mentioned anything about getting back together so she wouldnt jinx it, and she would just wait and see.

I think if you were as close etc as you say then she is being honest with you out of respect for what you did have and i think you need to believe her, as crap as that reality is!

+1 You told her that you still carry a torch for her, that was her space to say something back and she didn't.

Tell her you can't meet up with her, then tell her why. That way she knows that if she does want you back she's got to make it clear, and if you hear nothing from her you'll know she wasn't interested. It'll hurt, but will be so much better in the long run. Honestly.

LegacyUser

hi all,
thank you for all your responses,

so, after reading yer different expericenes, i said to myself right, time to find out exactly whats what here. so i rang herself and said look, im only happy to meet up and hang out as friends,but i know there is a teeny tiny flame still there and im wary that it might ignite proper once i lay eyes on her again, so if there is absoluetly no chance of a similar thing happening on her side, id rather know now and not go through with meeting up.

her response was she has similar reservations, she kind of said she still has feelings there,(not as openly as i was about it all) but also delcared that even if meeting up did stir something in her, she would not allow herself to act on it, given whats happened. she then said she wondered will seeing me bring about the feelings and that she was open to meeting and seeing how things went (as friends)

its like this, head (and boards) telling me to steer clear, heart telling me to give it a go.
hate this sh!t

jellyboy

Hi op...

Do it...meet her and throw caution to the wind ,
be honest and open with her...

i feel its the moth to the flame ,u cant resist it no matter how hard you try...

And to be fair none of us posters are u or her,who knows wat the futre holds..
the experince will guide and shape you

Good luck...

BLACKEN

no offensive but go grow a pair. she's already stated were she wants the relationship to go. dont wast YOUR time on her these "lets be friends" never work. sure you can have a friendship with her but do your really like being secoud best??? are you the type that will hang around until shes ready to move on and not even want your friendship anymore?? you gave her all the control of the relationship! next time act like a man!

S23

Seems there are two basic options

1) Follow the advice on here and give her a wide berth, allow yourself to get over her and then move on.

2) Go back and do the whole 'lets be friends' thing even though you are clearly not over her. Most people have been there once and know what happens. Maybe you need to have your heart torn out to learn lifes lesson on these things. Then, and here's the bit you want to hear, theres always the slimest of chances something meaningful might come of it. We all know which is more likely. But as I said getting your heart broken can have its plus points if you put it down to experience

JonathanAnon

It's up to youself, Dont meet up with her, and continue on getting over her. Or meet up with her and set yourself back to November, thinking about her, wanting to contact her, wanting to get back with her. etc etc.

Forget about her, that would be my advice. She cheated on you once, and may well do the same again. You're just lonely cos you are used to having a girlfriend, but it passes.

LegacyUser

hi all,
in the conversation i had with her last night she said she didnt regret not telling me about something so minor as the other guy kissing her, and never thought me finding out would lead me to want to break it off.
she also mentions shes returning to OZ (where mister kisser is) this year. didnt say she WAS meeting him, didnt reassure me thats not the intention either.(also now that i think of it, i said i had a flame for her still and was willing to put that to one side until she was ready to ignite her flame for me again, she asks me how long am i willing to wait..)
i text her late last nite asking was she sure about the meet up, she waited till this evening to reply saying she needs time to think things through and she cant give me an answer just yet..

in the cold light that was today i have made the simple informed decision boards folk...
she can fook right off at this stage, i getting sick to the balls of wearing my heart on my sleeve only to get sweet fook nothing in return.
a bleeding dog wouldnt be treated the way i am allowing myself to be treated. shes missing out on one bloody half daycent lad over here, she should be thanking her lucky stars i stuck around (faithfully) as long as i did, maybe some day she will wake up and realise i have my faults, but dammit i have a hell of a lot to offer too.

good night Vienna to this false sense of hope ive been clinging on to these past few months.

thank you one and all for giveing me the shake up i needed.

S23

More power to you brother. I hope you stick to those guns. Its not an easy thing to face up to and admit that you've been fiddled along. But you realised it and are ready to face a new beginning. Fair play to you. You'll be a better stronger person for it. Good luck with your future endeavours. You'll learn from thise and be better for it.

best of luck

kryogen

OP i actually remember your post here about this originally, and i stick to what i said then

move on, it will get better, meeting her will set you back trust me

she has made it clear she will not be romantically involved with you again, dont try to change that into something you would like more, like, maybe she is just saying that but when ye see each other...... it wont happen. its not how she is thinking

she could of course be using you as an ego boost, that will suck if true

id actually advise you to cancel the meeting

you will bump into each other anyway at some stage, trust me on this too

i broke up with a g/f of 3 years, took the best part of a year, maybe more in actual fact but time has clouded it, i spent the next couple of years of my life trying to avoid her so as not to have to have that fake, im alright with just being friends moment together

we tried it of course initially but if i was close to another girl it was a problem for her and vice/versa

and nowadays when i am completely 100% over the girl and can look back on it as a great part of my life and great experience to have had etc... i cant stop bumping into the girl!

its much different now of course, we are both very different people from when we were together and broke up and can have a real friendship now

sorry i rambled there

just dont meet her, let nature take its course

Eve_Dublin

You made the right decision OP and fair play.

By the way, you keep mentioning how your ex let this guy kiss her and in your original post how HE kissed HER...man, in my experience, kissing is definitely a two way street. If you allow someone to kiss you, you usually kiss them back or else it's assault and that's a different matter altogether. They kissed each other. SHE kissed HIM...HE kissed HER....she wasn't upfront about it and you heard it from someone else. This is not a girl to be trusted and as you've already realised yourself, you're being taken for a ride. I hope you stick to your decision and avoid this girl. End of the day, you can't be friends with someone you have feelings for. I'm sorry OP but you'll save yourself a a shed load of heartache down the line, believe me.

Good luck.

legend365

Nice OP


Nice

Shes not an ex, shes a nobody.

LegacyUser

hi all,

i havent bothered replying to her text saying she needed time to think and she cant give me an answer.
just as well im no longer looking for one i guess!

thank you everyone for all your words of support, very much appriciated.

LegacyUser

so update as i require a wee bit more advice here..
didnt bother texting her back, she texts me the next day, we spent that day texting back and forth arguring basically over who hurt who the most.
i ended the convo very simply, i said look, you know how i still feel about you deep down, DO NOT contact me again unless you have any inclination to want to feel the same. im not waiting around wondering any longer for you to figure out what the hell you want.
she replys saying fine, she wishes me well in the future. i said good luck to ya basically.

so was out last night, having a bit of fun, she texts me saying how she honoured our commitment to each other while she was abroad, and its disintegrated now after all thats happened.(last night was 3 years to the night of the 1st time we kissed-emotional timing)
i reply saying i would love to go back in time for 5 mins to that night.(stupid i know, massive D'OH!) she replys saying she wishes i was with her and there was no crap, but there is crap so that cant happen. i reply with too bad.

she gets thick so i say look, u know how i feel, dont be contacting me unless you want to reignite what we had, i cant be mates or whatever.

she didnt reply.

i set myself up for a massive fall on face there didnt i? fook sake, i was going strong there for a few days and then boom, one bleeding text the night we 1st kissed 3years on and im all over the shop again.

im half thinking of texting her and saying look, dont text me when your out drinking.

dr_funkenstein

Hey OP,

Like others (and yourself).. I've been there.. done that.. made a total fool of myself. Like you hint at.. the past is the past.. and it can't be changed. Having been together for so long, there will always be some lingering sentiment. But the key here is not to confuse that with some future possibilties.

In a perfect world, at the end of a relationship we would all move on easily and retain them as good friends.. but for most it doesn't work that way. I had a.. less than amicable split, but there was endless emails/txts/etc, much like you. While in one way I wanted that contact, it was completely self-destructive.

You just have to let this.. fizzle out. If you tell her you don't want contact etc if your feeling are not reciprocated, you gotta stick to it! Its a tough place to be.. but the right call.

LegacyUser

hi,
thanks for replying.
since my earlier post i got the oul "sorry for sending that lastnite" text, to which i replyed simply next time you are out drinking could you please not send me those texts and then retract them the next day, they are messing with my head and its unfair to me.
she replyed saying she is sorry for sending them and of course would still like to see me (no mention on what capacity-friends/something more etc)
so i didnt bother replying to her.
this is the part im finding very difficult. its so hard trying to cut contact and protect myself from a probable fall. id love to tell her look, if i spring into your mind on a night out nearly 5months after we split up surely you have feelings somewhere for me, obiviously i cant say that, id prob end up pleading with her to give it another go, tried that once already and fell flat on me face so wont be doing that again.
its a fooking mess. and i hate sentiment!

kryogen

im sorry but i have to try the tough love approach with you now

i dont really understand why you keep asking for advice here when you continuosly go back to doing what you have been doing since ye broke up

it is very easy to break contact with this girl

change your phone number and dont text her, move on ffs, she has told you its not going to happen, are you enjoying the situation you are in? you and only you can change this

the relationship is over, the friendship is also over

please for your own sake just accept this and stop letting her play with you whenever she is bored

does it not make you angry to think that she is probably having a good laugh at your expense showing the messages you send her to her friends/boyfriends?

stop letting her have all the power in this game you two are playing, actually cut her out, not to show her you can do it and hope she will chase you, but for you

you simply cannot keep going the way you are going its pathetic

i am sorry, i know my words are harsh but i am being 100% honest with you and i hope you take it as such

you seem like a nice guy and i hate it when nice guys get stuck in ruts like this over girls who are just using them for an ego boost or a laugh every now and then

you have to get over her

change your phone number, and do not text her anymore

if you are the type to believe in fate then be happy in the knowledge that if its meant to be it will happen and if its not there is nothing you can do to make it happen

if you dont believe in fate then take control of your life and starting making some positive choices

the first step is to break contact. fully

legend365

kryogen wrote: »

the first step is to break contact. fully

OP....next time she texts you, drop you phone down the toilet.

This 'banter' is doing YOU any good. It mighten bother her in the slightest...

newmember2

really confused wrote: »

hi,
thanks for replying.
since my earlier post i got the oul "sorry for sending that lastnite" text, to which i replyed...

She's no longer your friend. Next time don't reply. You've already asked her not to contact you as it messes with your head , and then she goes ahead and does exactly that. Does she give a fcuk about your head? No.

It's a motherfcker,..I'm in the same boat as you, but really, like somebody said already, she contacts you when she's bored and is looking for something to play with.