Do you really need a family?

LegacyUser

My parents died two years ago and while i tried to maintain contact with my siblings, none were interested by means of returning my calls (unless it had to do with my parents estate which all ended in endless rows and back stabbing) or even getting together at all so i just left contacting them. Do you really need to have family or can you survive on your own with friends? I just think they are all so nasty and cold that im thinking im better off leaving them be and surrounding myself with positive people instead, is this ok? anytime i do end up speaking to any of them i always feel lousy

LegacyUser

I know how you feel. My parents died a few years ago and I really hit the skids after it. My family turned their back on me when I needed them most. I'm slowly putting myself back together but it's been bloody hard. I still miss them but not sure if we could ever rebuild the bridges.

tunguska

userab123 wrote: »

My parents died two years ago and while i tried to maintain contact with my siblings, none were interested by means of returning my calls (unless it had to do with my parents estate which all ended in endless rows and back stabbing) or even getting together at all so i just left contacting them. Do you really need to have family or can you survive on your own with friends? I just think they are all so nasty and cold that im thinking im better off leaving them be and surrounding myself with positive people instead, is this ok? anytime i do end up speaking to any of them i always feel lousy

Yes of course you can survive without a family. You can do more than survive, you can have as good a life as those who do have families or even better. This notion that you need a family or a wife/husband, children to be happy is nonsense. Id be from a similar family backround to you. We were never a family, just a bunch of people who happened to live under the same roof. My life is fine without my family, we're all estranged from each other so theres zero contact most of the time. And thats better, because anytime in the past when there was contact it was a disaster and not a very nice experience. I can honsetly say without any bitterness or resentment, that I am better off without them.
So absolutley, you can have a great life without a family. The only difference is though that you do have to be a bit more self-reliant, which is a good thing.

DigiGal

You can efinitely survive without a fmaily. Both my parents died 2 years ago, my only uncle also passed away. My grandparents, are both very old and ill. I am fine without any close family. I have an OH that will hopefully some day become a husband and tehn that will be my family..

Milk & Honey

A person defends three thing. self,family and tribe. The family or tribe may or may not be based on biology. If a person does not have a biological family it is important to have a proxy family and by extension a tribe. Having the feeling of belonging to some group or groups is important for mental health. Studies in orphanages have shown that many newborn children die in their first year unless they are picked up for at least an hour a day. Being a member of a group, whether a casual group or a formal group such as a club, where members help each other gives a sense of belonging, which is important to most humans. Most people belong to multiple groups; old school friends, college alumini, sports clubs, workplaces, flatmates, neighbours etc. It is certainly possible to dispense with the biological family and avail of other linkages. A friend of mine has not spoken to his brothers and sisters since his mother died more than 20 years ago. There was, of course, a row about the estate.

LegacyUser

A definitive yes would be my answer. But be under no illusion about how difficult the break can be emotionally.
I am a woman in my 30s whose parents both died befoe I was 20. I spent probably ten years trying to maintain a relationship with my family. Regularly, I would decide that I'd had enough and walk away - but there was such a huge emotional attachment to some of them. The memories of my childhood (which wasn't all bad), family events, the fact that we had the same parents. All of that kept bringing me back, making me feel lousy, and walking away again.
I think as I got older and matured, it became easier for me to walk away, and stay away. I was in such a negative cycle of events walk away, feel guilty, go back, only to walk away again. Christmas was particularly difficult for me, I inevitably would make contact again around christmas time because all around me friends were doing stuff with family, and there I was, with a crap family.
So I matured and havent seen any of them in over five years. The first year was pretty tough but as time has gone on, I can honestly say I am a much better person without them. My friends are now my family. I work hard at my friendships and Ive been rewarded with the best friends a woman could have.
So OP, the answer is yes, you can live without them and be a better person without them. But it's not a walk in the park to make the break..but if you're aware that it might be hard, that's half the battle.

tenchi-fan

you shouldn't depend on your brothers and sisters. what's wrong with the thought of getting married and having your own family?

harvardgal2

Agree with all the posts, if you feel your Family are having a negative impact on your life and you'd prefer to break contact then do. It's your decision and you shouldn't feel you have to keep in contact out of some sense of duty.

Of late I've really started to understand the meaning behind old sayings/proverbs in this case "You can choose your friends but not your Family" and "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves"

Do what is best for you. Best of Luck

Wow, that really is an interesting debate.

I can see myself and my family parting from each other a good bit but at the same time in a strange way - I can see that it is me that is doing it.

The bible is unfairly used as a way of promoting religion but I think there is so much more to it. It is a book of morals and philosophy.

The best story from it is probably the Prodigal son returning to an open welcome from his Father. I have seen this a lot in Ireland - the son who goes away, pisses all his money away, the complications of drug use...These people feel as if they have nothing. They always return to home. Home is where the heart is.

However, home and family is complicated by greed. I have seen my mother's family split over land in an unspoken way - they themselves don't speak of it but they are just looking out for there own sons and daughters. This unspoken and sneeky way of doing business has wrecked their family bond. On my father's side there was never any worry over land etc. and that side of the family get on great. It is weird but I can see myself and my siblings being to split over the same thing and we are still, relatively, young...I don't care, I don't need x hectacres and y sites to pass on to thankless little ****s I call (grand)children - they can have it. But at the same time, I think it is sad that such a thing exists.

It really is catch22...maybe it easier when people mainly rent or just have the house they live in but I really don't know. Ideally I would like to see my parents just sell their property to the children and then retire well on the money they get in return for their hard work...but that just isn't the Irish way...

LegacyUser

the rows are over land, my brother got absolutley everything and we all got €500 each so hes told us we have to let him know when we aere visiting the home place so he will be there (i did that once and never again, i couldnt believe i had to ask if i could make a coffee!) some are contesting the will but to be honest, im more upset about being in my early 20's and having no parents, no one i can go to when the times get tough, now my partner is fantastic and im forever grateful i have him and one of the posters is right, when i get married i'll have my own family, i just thought we were better brought uip than this

harvardgal2

Unfortunately people's true colours come out when money is involved. I dread to think what will happen with my own family when the issue of the estate comes up. I have already resolved to not care and just accept whatever my parents decide but I can imagine what other siblings will be like.

I think you are sad that you are loosing out on visiting your family home and your brother is being unfair telling you you have to call to make sure he is there. You just have to ask yourself, is it worth the hassle? If not, then don't bother.

It's awful that you have lost your parents at such a young age, and that your family are more concerned with money than helping you and each other through that trauma. You should be proud of yourself for being above all that, it's obvious you were brought up well, and its not your fault your siblings aren't behaving in a more mature way. Surround yourself with positive people. Your lucky to have a partner who cares for you, so look at the positives and let go of the negatives. I hope your ok.

tenchi-fan

If your bro was left the house he's entitled to some privacy. it's his home now, so YES, you do need his permission to call and make a coffee. He's not the bad guy.

I can't speculate what was going through your parents mind when they left everything to just one son but I'd accept it and move on. Unless you were dependent on your parents when they died you should just focus on building your own life.

One comment I will make.. my dad held that phrase "blood is thicker than water" over my head my whole life. He's a bully and so is my brother and I finally learned to keep them at a distance. Familiarity breeds contempt. Truth is you can decide what people -family and friends - you let into your life and what role they play.

helimachoptor

No I don't think so, I have quite a large extended family on my mothers side 18 aunts and uncles, 60 odd grandchildren and about 10 odd great grandchildren. Out of those, I talk to one cousin, 1 aunt and 1 uncle on a semi regular basis, if i had no immediate family left, would i miss these others?? nope. On the other hand my GF is family mad, always talking to distant cousins etc... very polar opposite in that regard.

LegacyUser

its just that my other halfs family are mad into each other ie always meeting up and calling all the time, now i find that a bit much and im thinking they think im a bit strange not having much desire to have regular contact with my family, buit to be honest, im happiest with my oh and the thoughts of us having our own family in time, i just miss my parents, just having a chat with them, i get so jealous when i see people in work talking about that they are doing with their folks, its just really still raw without them, i guess the pain will ease but another question, if i do get married, should i invite my siblings?? i know there would be an athmosphere though...

thanks for replying to this folks, i can really open up and be myself here x x

Vourney

My family of origin is abusive, so being in contact with them is not even an option for me. It would be harmful for me to be in contact with them. I do feel sad and empty when I see other close families. But I also have close friends who understand and make me feel accepted. I enjoyed reading this thread as it was encouraging for me. The worse thing is feeling judged by others for not being close to my family. I hate that because I don't have any control over it. Anway, thanks to you posters for sharing your experiences and insight, I don't feel quite so alone.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Family, you can't pick them. If I was in your situation I would cut off all contact from them. If all they are looking for is money and to bicker over their dead parents wealth, then they are not worth it. You don't need them, just move on with your life and enjoy it

denhaagenite

I've often asked myself the same question OP. I have five siblings and while money has never been an issue for us, care and attention has been. Our parents stopped regarding themselves as our mother and father quite a while ago, and I think maybe that's influenced how we are towards eachother. Sometimes I think I'm the only one that's bothered.

I moved abroad with my OH 3 years ago and after yet another Christmas Day phoning everyone, and not receiving a single text ourselves, I have made the decision not to make an effort to contact anyone anymore. If they want me they are more than aware of how to reach me.

It is extremely hard. I look around me and all I see are mothers that want to help their daughters choose wedding dresses, sisters who want to talk about love lives, brothers who want to go out for a pint and fathers who are there for advice on DIY. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me and I am constantly lonely. It doesn't help that our friends at home seem to have forgotten that we exist, and that it's difficult to hang onto the friends we have here, who leave alot.

But I'm grateful to have himself and we are eachothers family, we know that. We are trying to build an urban family where we are, and even though our support for other people has sometimes been taken advantage of, we are making progress.

I truly wish it wasn't like this, but sometimes you just have to accept it.

LegacyUser

This is an issue I know all about. Same situation myself as you OP. Although you do have your OH, and thats a lot, trust me. I dont have a girlfriend/wife or the close family. Most of the time its ok and I get along fine. But as was mentioned already, times like christmas can be a stark reminder of what I dont have. I have a few friends but to be honest theres only so far friends can go. Friends have their own families and so they have those needs already taken care of. Trying to make your friends your famly doesnt work out, well at least it hasnt for me.
I guess the overall answer is, yes you can be happy without a family. But it can be difficult sometimes. And when those times do hit you just gotta accept your loss and move on.

snowy2008

you can pick your friends but not your family im afraid!!! when you get married you'll have the family you want, dont worry about anyone else x

Ginja Ninja

you do need a family,but no one ever said that had to be by blood.I've friends that I would be closer to than anyone in my family.It's up to you if you need them or not,if it really bothers you to live without them then try and work on it,but if they have no interest don't hurt yourself even more.As long as you have people in your life you can trust and that care for you,what more do you need?who care's if they don't share some genes with you?

Bottle_of_Smoke

The thing about family is the relationship is generally quite stable. I mean stable in that it takes much bigger events to finish the relationship

With friends its different. You could have a best mate you go drinking/hang out with all the time for years, then he falls in love/gets someone pregnant and your friendships never gonna be the same again as the dynamic has changed. Even a circle of friends can be hugely affected by this. You could hang out with the same people for a long time but if for some reason one person can't be part of it anymore its quite common the whole group falls apart.

Will give an example. I recently moved to NI and started hanging out with a second cousin a lot for a few months. He has since moved to London and we don't chat much now. However, If I run into him again in a few years it'll be exactly the same. Thinking of friends I hung out with for a similar amount of time they're now just peopel I barely know. Will prob be awkward even talking to them.

I do think family is important. Even if its just cousins/second cousins etc, there's a certain connection that just isn't there with friends.

Sorry this post has been more humanities than pi but only way I can explain myself.

I'd try mend things but your family must also meet you half way. There are some big events that can split family relationships so there comes a point where people need to look at each other's point of view, if they don't you're just wasting your time.