We don't know what to do!

Kimono-Girl

i suppose the quickest way to go through this,


Me and my OH have set an estimated date of 1st august 2012, but that's about as far as we can get, as for the wedding day itself we just cannot decide on what to do,

we have agreed on a church wedding (he's religious I'm not but i don't mind getting married in a church for him, I've been baptised and all that) but as for the rest of the day we can't decide and are hoping boards people may have some ideas.


i would like just a small meal with close family and friends but that adds up to about 50 people, and then a party in our local after just to celebrate with everyone else (just something fun), but then this makes me feel like i should just go with the whole hotel package. and then i do like some aspects of the typical wedding but then the costs seem to just keep adding up with little things i don't really care about e.g band, dj, chair covers, corkage, bar extentions, security...etc things i simply do not care about. It's not going to ruin my day if chairs don't have matching cover's/there is a table without a candlestick,/guest don't get fancy paper menus (all of which wont matter by 2am), it's not even a cost thing i just don't care about these little things.

My OH feels the same as above.

as long as we have a nice church part and nice photos and nice memories we are happy. im not overly fussy nether is he.

which leaves us a little stuck, we worked out a guest list which added up to about 150 people, a bit much to pile into the local, the owner does however know me (and my family) very well and i know he would accommodate us if we asked, i think his capacity is around 300. but parking would be a nightmare. and then we are wondering how do you explain this plan to others, and would they be offended.

e.g
1pm church(everyone who wants to come)
3pm photos (everyone who wants to come)
4pm meal (with just family and wedding party)
7pm Afters (pub). (everyone who wants to come)

do people expect to be fed? or would it be rude to ask them to sort themselves out in the 4 or 5 hours between church and pub (we would have snack food and cake, speeches etc at the afters (pub), i also feel it would let people get wedding dressy for the church if they wanted (my family is full of fashionistas) and night out dressy for the afters while giving them time to grab something to eat.

another reason we both want this kind of reception would be some family/friends may be uncomfortable in a hotel esq setting (his family and mine don't really get on) and feel they have to circle and converse and mingle where a pub is more relaxed just like an average night out. and relaxed to me equals more fun.

but then the hotel wedding seems easier...what do we do?:o


from all of the above does anyone have any advice you can give us we have been debating this since before christmas?

snuggles09

we were the same as you but we're going down the civil ceremony route

my other half has a massive family (his dad is one of 15) so the aunts and uncles and cousins on his side are over 80 before you invite anyone else so we had to draw line somewhere

in the end we decided to invite just our closest friends and family (we have 50 adults) to the ceremony and the meal afterwards which we are having in the tower (getting married there as well) and are sending out evening invites to everyone else for the evening and we will have over 100+ to that with food laid on and a disco etc

it's going to get tricky i think to ask people to come to ceremony and then go away and come back for the evening..i honestly wouldnt know what to do in this situation..would you consider maybe just inviting close family and friends to the church, meal and asking everyone else down to the afters? just tell everyone you want a small intimate ceremony? or would that tread on peoples toes? dont you just hate all the politicis:eek:

Kimono-Girl

snuggles09 wrote: »

it's going to get tricky i think to ask people to come to ceremony and then go away and come back for the evening..i honestly wouldnt know what to do in this situation..would you consider maybe just inviting close family and friends to the church, meal and asking everyone else down to the afters? just tell everyone you want a small intimate ceremony? or would that tread on peoples toes? dont you just hate all the politicis:eek:

yes our day has turned into "ooo do we offend someone if we do that"

you see we don't want the church to be empty either plus people would be like "oh you invited such and such but not such and such a person" "am i not close family?" etc....

and we would like friends to be there. we want to make the church the "wedding" per se and just have a piss up party after. (i should probably point out we have an adorable 8 month old who will be three, talking, and who everyone will want to see)

iguana

Can you leave out the meal part maybe? Have your ceremony later in the day, if it's August it will still be bright, pre-sunset (known as magic hour by those in the film industry because of the amazing quality of the light) pictures would be lovely and a bit different. Then go straight to the pub for the party.

If you wanted to do something a little formal you could do lunch with immediate family the next day.

JAKEYCAKEY

Why dont you have your meal with the family on another date or you could book a nice restaurant for the day of the church rehearsal and do it then . You could then have the wedding later in the day and then just have a buffet at the local ( you could do this yourself or rope in some family members to help )

I thinks it could be offensive to so people to ask them to the wedding and then essential only invite them to the afters.

Your only other way oyut of it really would be to only have the guests you want at the meal at the church.

hunnymonster

One of the first things you learn when you plan a wedding is that no matter what you do, you'll offend someone so try not to dwell on this and do what suits you better. Our wedding is turning out a whole pile different than what we wanted at first because of a whole set of compromises. Each decision was the right one in it's context, but overall the event has turned into something different altogether.

The split situation (church and evening, not meal) you're talking about appears to have become more common in the UK. If you look at the youandyourwedding.co.uk forums you'll see a lot of discussion on it. Apart from offence, it seems to cause a lot of confusion. People who were not expected turning up for the meal and people who were expected not turning up and general mayhem.

lyndak082

were in a similar boat!

we cut our list from 150 down to 56 for civil ceremony in hotel and 3 course meal.

were not paying for any extra chair covers or any of that crap
were taking anything the hotel will throw in for free! also were getting married in march which is considered off peak out of season and is cheaper, hotels will bend over backwards to get you to book at one of their quietest times!!

were using our own car and when you have civil ceremony in hotel they supply the floral centerpeices......no church to decorate! just get ur bouquet!

then for the afters its an open invitation....simple!!

you can have your dream day if u really shop around!!

bradleycorey

candlelover wrote: »

yes our day has turned into "ooo do we offend someone if we do that"

you see we don't want the church to be empty either plus people would be like "oh you invited such and such but not such and such a person" "am i not close family?" etc....

and we would like friends to be there. we want to make the church the "wedding" per se and just have a piss up party after. (i should probably point out we have an adorable 8 month old who will be three, talking, and who everyone will want to see)

You could have your big church wedding and invite all your family and friends and just have a big buffet/ piss up back at your Local. You would only pay 6-8euro per head for food so it still wouldnt cost you the earth even if your guest list was as big as 150, that way no one would get offended. people would know wat to expect if u explain, you want the big church wedding but just a fun party afterwards...

Goodluck

Kimono-Girl

bradleycorey wrote: »

You could have your big church wedding and invite all your family and friends and just have a big buffet/ piss up back at your Local. You would only pay 6-8euro per head for food so it still wouldnt cost you the earth even if your guest list was as big as 150, that way no one would get offended. people would know wat to expect if u explain, you want the big church wedding but just a fun party afterwards...

Goodluck

sounds like a good idea, they do have a BBQ area so we could do something like that.

thanks for all the replies, we just wanted to have the traditional wedding day 'run' but we would rather a restaurant for the meal and some decent food, (i used work in a 4 star hotel and i know the behind the scenes story with wedding food) but we cannot find a restaurant that would cater for 150 people without having everyone seperated (hence why we think a hotel room would be just easier)

what we want is to do our own thing our way and just include everyone for the two important parts e.g church and afters...but i guess you can't have both.

just inviting the larger group to the afters isn't a possiblity as 90% of them will want to come to the church and see us/our daughter all dressed up. and would be offended if we don't invite them to the church.

its not a cost thing but we'd rather not have people left out on the day in the restaurant because the restaurant we have in mind has 4 seperate rooms. and we'd get a max of est 50 people around us. and i have no way of organising a seating arrangement that wouldnt offend someone,

so the plan was leave those who want to, come to the church and rejoin us later at the afters, we figured if the 100 extra people were doing this (and we stressed immediate family for the meal) they wouldnt all be offended, they could organise a meal amongst their own groups if they wished or go sort out their children with babysitters (it would also give my and his younger relatives a chance to be involved in the church while giving the parents the chance to relax in the evening without the kids) plus it would give friends the chance to meet and bring their OH's to the afters and anyone else they want (i don't mind if people bring people to the afters as its a public bar anyway) but we were hoping to push it as a "this way you won't have to duck away and you won't miss a thing"


Hunnymonster: as for the split day, besides the confusion part has it been known to work? i've never heard of it before, we just see it as a possible solution to the headache above. we are trying to take everyones circumstances into account.

bradleycorey

candlelover wrote: »

sounds like a good idea, they do have a BBQ area so we could do something like that.

thanks for all the replies, we just wanted to have the traditional wedding day 'run' but we would rather a restaurant for the meal and some decent food, (i used work in a 4 star hotel and i know the behind the scenes story with wedding food) but we cannot find a restaurant that would cater for 150 people without having everyone seperated (hence why we think a hotel room would be just easier)

what we want is to do our own thing our way and just include everyone for the two important parts e.g church and afters...but i guess you can't have both.

just inviting the larger group to the afters isn't a possiblity as 90% of them will want to come to the church and see us/our daughter all dressed up. and would be offended if we don't invite them to the church.

its not a cost thing but we'd rather not have people left out on the day in the restaurant because the restaurant we have in mind has 4 seperate rooms. and we'd get a max of est 50 people around us. and i have no way of organising a seating arrangement that wouldnt offend someone,

so the plan was leave those who want to, come to the church and rejoin us later at the afters, we figured if the 100 extra people were doing this (and we stressed immediate family for the meal) they wouldnt all be offended, they could organise a meal amongst their own groups if they wished or go sort out their children with babysitters (it would also give my and his younger relatives a chance to be involved in the church while giving the parents the chance to relax in the evening without the kids) plus it would give friends the chance to meet and bring their OH's to the afters and anyone else they want (i don't mind if people bring people to the afters as its a public bar anyway) but we were hoping to push it as a "this way you won't have to duck away and you won't miss a thing"


Hunnymonster: as for the split day, besides the confusion part has it been known to work? i've never heard of it before, we just see it as a possible solution to the headache above. we are trying to take everyones circumstances into account.

Do you have any budget in mind. We were in a similar situation and worked round it on a decent budget...

Where are you based?

Kimono-Girl

well we have no exact budget but then we are looking at maybe keeping costs low but not to the point we have to miss out on things/people...

we're based in cork.

i know it sounds awful but to us our attitude is this is just 'our' day not 'our marriage' yes it's a special day but at the same time we don't want our marriage under pressure financially over it too. and it will never top the day we had emma, so its not like its the most important day of our life either, we just want to celebrate 'us'.

we could afford to have a meal for 150 people its just they wont fit into the restaurant we want, or any others we can think of, and we will be doing toasts, cake, first dance, band, dj, party food,...etc usual hotel stuff at the afters instead so they won't be missing out on anything except the eating of the meal.


its like at my aunts wedding we were all waiting around (drinks reception) at the hotel for them while they did photos and went on a helicoptor tour, before we sat down for the meal, this would be simular only replace the helicopter tour with restaurant meal...

would it be a good idea to have them attend a drinks reception before we arrive/while they wait? i just assumed people would prefer to go get food!

lyndak082

actons in kinsale have really good deals at the mo!

bradleycorey

candlelover wrote: »

well we have no exact budget but then we are looking at maybe keeping costs low but not to the point we have to miss out on things/people...

we're based in cork.

i know it sounds awful but to us our attitude is this is just 'our' day not 'our marriage' yes it's a special day but at the same time we don't want our marriage under pressure financially over it too. and it will never top the day we had emma, so its not like its the most important day of our life either, we just want to celebrate 'us'.

we could afford to have a meal for 150 people its just they wont fit into the restaurant we want, or any others we can think of, and we will be doing toasts, cake, first dance, band, dj, party food,...etc usual hotel stuff at the afters instead so they won't be missing out on anything except the eating of the meal.


its like at my aunts wedding we were all waiting around (drinks reception) at the hotel for them while they did photos and went on a helicoptor tour, before we sat down for the meal, this would be simular only replace the helicopter tour with restaurant meal...

would it be a good idea to have them attend a drinks reception before we arrive/while they wait? i just assumed people would prefer to go get food!

What about inviting everyone to church, then all your close family going to a designated room in the hotel for the meal whilst all the others staying downstairs at the bar for a drinks reception and some finger food-Sandwiches/cocktail sausages etc...

Im well known as the one in my family who is great at budgeting lol, i dont like to be too mingey either but i do really shop around for things.
The reason why i was asking if you had a budget was becasue:
We are having our wedding in Dublin (which is probley known as one of the most expensive counties to have a wedding) Anyway, we are having a four course meal for 125 people and an additional 120 to afters reception (fingerfood) with all the trimmings for 9k- I think i really done well here. In total its costin 14k including our hens/stags and honeymoon

Goldenlady

A couple of years back friends of mine had the exact type of wedding you are looking to do - all the friends went to the church to see them and take photos etc. the big gang of friends (In Cork too!) booked their own meal in a restaurant in town and about 25 of them went off, whilst the bride and groom had thier meal with family only! no one blinked an eye lid at it.... by the time the gang in town finished thier meal and had a few drinks they went back to the hotel for the evening reception! Great day had by all! Best of luck

Kimono-Girl

bradleycorey wrote: »

What about inviting everyone to church, then all your close family going to a designated room in the hotel for the meal whilst all the others staying downstairs at the bar for a drinks reception and some finger food-Sandwiches/cocktail sausages etc...

thats what we want but rather with a restaurant instead of hotel! i don't like the way hotels give everyone the same 'package' wedding its just too much fuss for me, and i'm trying to avoid the whole being centre of attention thing (ive had enough of that in the past 5 years), the whole church - family meal- afters thing i feel that day is more about 'us' then 'me'! if you get me? we just want a small quiet personal 150 person day out!


goldenlady do you remember how they did it? like how did they explain it to their guests?

Goldenlady

They gave everyone invitations and on them it said to come to the hotel (Jurys on Western Road!) at 7.30pm that evening! I believe they just did up two sets of invites for the different people - plus they had on it that the church was optional! A lot of us were happy not to have to take the day off work as had a lot of weddings that particular year - so lots didnt go to the church! Its just about telling people what you are doing - its you and your OH day, once ye are happy thats the main thing!
You could look into Nemo Rangers Club house - they are doing weddings there, supposed to be a good spot! Or if you are interested in restaurants perhaps Barn in Glanmire (Think they have a function room!)
A friend of mine, her aunt and uncle got married about two years ago, both in their fifties - so they didnt want the big day - they put a marquee out thier garden (Living in the country had plenty of room) and had a big barbeque and loads of kegs of beef and wine - she said it was the best wedding she was ever at! Plus none of the guests spent a penny and it only cost the couple €3000 in total! Best Idea I think personally!!
They had a DJ in the house and were dancing out the back garden!:)

Kimono-Girl

so do you guys think people would be offended if we just invited them to the afters and told them the church was optional?,

its not even an afters we're having its more main event late in evening (since its august im hoping sunny~)

OS119

candlelover wrote: »

so do you guys think people would be offended if we just invited them to the afters and told them the church was optional?,

its not even an afters we're having its more main event late in evening (since its august im hoping sunny~)

personally i'd bin the formal, sit down meal - or possibly have it the day before the wedding - just do the church service, have the photo's, then everyone piles down the pub for a bbq, much drinking and merryment. blinding wedding, no noses out of joint, no hanging around and a damn sight cheaper than the alternatives.

(you may not be able to tell, but yes, Mr, Mrs and 0.5 OS119 have been offered yet another opportunity to spend £600 on a hotel, deisel, new dresses, hair-do's and presents so they can drive to the other end of the country, stand at the back of the church, sod-off to McDonalds for the afternoon in a place they don't know, then magically re-appear 6 hours later bearing a significant gift (cash only please). we won't be attending as err.... oh i don't know, maybe i'll have to return a library book...).

rant off.

Heineken Helen

candlelover wrote: »

yes our day has turned into "ooo do we offend someone if we do that"

you see we don't want the church to be empty either plus people would be like "oh you invited such and such but not such and such a person" "am i not close family?" etc....

and we would like friends to be there. we want to make the church the "wedding" per se and just have a piss up party after. (i should probably point out we have an adorable 8 month old who will be three, talking, and who everyone will want to see)

don't people going to the afters normally attend the ceremony?

You're always going to offend SOMEBODY with YOUR ideal wedding... but just remember it's not their day, it's yours and this is what you want. If you're close enough to people though you can simply explain that you're sorry you can't invite them to the meal but you're on a very tight budget and you ran the risk of not being able to afford a wedding but you really wanted everyone there.