I don't get it

LegacyUser

Need advice on this as confused to say the least. My girlfriend who is the best and means the world to me is communicating on and off with her ex boyfriend. She told me about her relationship with him and how horrible he treated her, he would not sleep in the same bed as her after sex if at all possible, he would ring her up at night looking for lifts home from his night out and she would oblige and he kept breaking up with her and then they would get back again.

He also dictated what she would wear and how she would look and insisted she wore her makeup in bed with him etc. Anyway the list goes on and on and some of it I would not mention here as it disgusts me they way he treated and done things to her and she blames it on him being immature. I know she was head over heels in love with him and would have done anything to please him and put herself second.

The thing is now she makes contact with him for his advice on things that are happening in her life right now which I find strange as he was the one who made her move out of Dublin at one stage cause he did not like who she hung around with. Now when she sees something that she knows he is passionate about etc she contacts him via text etc.Any career move she seeks his opinion etc.

She seems to think its ok that she is doing it but I cannot see the reason why as she tells me she he is no longer part of her life but all this contact makes me think otherwise. We have had rows over this as she says he is the same as any of her friends but she does not contact them or ask for their advice on issues as she tells me her knows her better and the life she has. Yes she does as me for advice which I love giving or trying to help her as well.
Sorry about the long rant but I just want to know is it acceptable to be making small talk with her ex or should I just ignore it

LegacyUser

a couple of things about this post stood out - the most important thing here is WHY is she contacting her ex - and whilst I can see you're kind of getting there, you are coming from the perspective of 'why is she doing this to me' and kind of missing the point.

If it was a different scenario - the couple broke up, she was now in touch with him again, then your response is normal and yeah, red flags go up and u'll start to wonder if there's something going on....

but in this case, I really don't think that's the issue - I think the issue you should be looking at is your girlfriends self esteem - why does she rely on him, even though he treated her badly - that's what you want to know right? I don't think its a sex/get back with him issue - more so, what mindset is ur girl in right now, why doesn't she look to you for support.

right, hard part is - this is a lot more tricky than if she fancied the ex, because it's about her frame of mind/self esteem etc.

It happens a lot, that when someone has belittled you, broken down ur self esteem, you get to rely on them for their opinions of yourself. You can't see yourself as worthy anymore so you need them to see you as worthy - you depend on their input to boost your self esteem, as you can't do it yourself....even if in reality, what the person is doing is destroyign it further....you come to rely on and cling to the perpetrator - a type of munchauser or something.

so why, with a loving supportive boyfriend, is she going backwards instead of forwards - why not turn to you, who is a positive force, for her self esteem?

this is tricky -perhaps her self-esteem has hit a low point lately? that might explain why she's reverted to old habits. OR likely, she hasn't solved this issue yet - sounds like she still suffers from low self esteem, she doesn't have a high opinion of herself, so she turns to someone who will reinforce that - tell her she's not worthy, criticise her, because its familiar, and he's in control, it may not be positive feedback, but at least its feedback...and if he's in control, and feeding on her negative self-image, then its validating that she's right to feel that way about herself, she feels ok, if I think it, and he thinks it, then it's true.

It can be very hard to break this cycle, and its very much up to your girlfriend to finally see and really accept that the ex's negative behaviour is not ok. Right now, she can say all she wants that he treated her like crap, but behind it all, she probably feels that she deserved some of it, and doesn't see that it really is not acceptable for someone else to treat her this way.

does she tend to get walked over? or accept someone treating her poorly in other areas of her life? Does she have a negative view of herself?

What can you do so? Well, helping her to build up self esteem for one - try and encourage her to accomplish small things, even things like going to the gym, finishing some task...anything to reinforce that if she wants to do something, she can, and she'll succeed, or at least failing isn't so bad........keep encouraging her, and giving her confidence, praise her, remind her what she's good at/her talents/why she's lovable/what you love about her. be there as the positive voice, steady, yet give her the independance too - encourage her to be independant, to think for herself, to not look to you for her image. if she asks you what do you tink of me etc...get her to say it first, then reinforce it....it's a slow process, but eventually she'll learn to take her self esteem from herself, and not from outside influences....she'll be a stronger person for it.

I hope this helps.....it's all from my experience too....I was in her boat, though not as bad - I looked to an ex (whilst we were togetehr) for my self esteem. He treated me poorly, and I put up with it....now that we've split, and i have more confidence in myself (working on it)......a big part of me is very troubled that I could have let myself be treated so poorly, and wondered at my state of mind...I've started to notice it in other areas, though nto so much - I could tell other ppl not to treat me badly in work/friendships, but couldnt demand it for myself in the most intimate area of my life.

I wouldn't see the ex as a threat - try not to be jealous - don't talk to him, but don't 'forbid' her to either, it's something she'll have to work through, and hopefully she'll realise finally that it's not good for her to keep contact. but she'll realise it herself, u can't tell her.

LegacyUser

Don't get it wrote: »

Sorry about the long rant but I just want to know is it acceptable to be making small talk with her ex or should I just ignore it

If I was in your position, I wouldn't find it acceptable at all. Why is she looking for advice from
1.an ex
and
2. an ex who treated her so badly?

It doesn't add up. She told you all the bad things her ex did, naturally you'd feel protective towards as a result. Yet she seems to think it's fine that she still asks him for advice (after telling you all the bad things he did)? It's almost like she's rubbing your face in it!

She either has no idea how this makes you feel, or she wants to get back with her ex. Either way, she doesn't sound very caring. It's your decision whether you want to try and make her see how this is making you feel. Do you think the relaionship is worth it?

LegacyUser

I think you are reading in to this way too much. When you are in a relationship with someone you usually share the innermost personal things in your world. Some people need to break that bond in order to move on but others can come to a conclusion where they realise the relationship has come to an end but a friendship can develop over time. I have 2 ex's who are very close friends of mine whom i would confide in about personal issues. If my boyfriend had a problem with this i would be devastetd. It's just easy to talk to someone about personal things if you have had that "closeness"

LegacyUser

Well how personal are the things you discuss with your 2 ex's as at what stage do you say no my life does not need them to judge how you live and what you do. Do you advise them on things to do and are their partners etc aware of this personal communication. Do you need a boyfriend at all or only close friends. This is my dilema I just want to know how far it goes as it feels like my opinion means nothing and his negativity means more and should I be more negative and treat her like her ex as she respects his opinion. I just feel like giving up and ignoring her and what she does at work etc and let him pay her compliments/negativity until he is too busy to bother and spend more time with my friends etc

WhatWillBee

guest2 wrote: »

a couple of things about this post stood out - the most important thing here is WHY is she contacting her ex - and whilst I can see you're kind of getting there, you are coming from the perspective of 'why is she doing this to me' and kind of missing the point.

If it was a different scenario - the couple broke up, she was now in touch with him again, then your response is normal and yeah, red flags go up and u'll start to wonder if there's something going on....

but in this case, I really don't think that's the issue - I think the issue you should be looking at is your girlfriends self esteem - why does she rely on him, even though he treated her badly - that's what you want to know right? I don't think its a sex/get back with him issue - more so, what mindset is ur girl in right now, why doesn't she look to you for support.

right, hard part is - this is a lot more tricky than if she fancied the ex, because it's about her frame of mind/self esteem etc.

It happens a lot, that when someone has belittled you, broken down ur self esteem, you get to rely on them for their opinions of yourself. You can't see yourself as worthy anymore so you need them to see you as worthy - you depend on their input to boost your self esteem, as you can't do it yourself....even if in reality, what the person is doing is destroyign it further....you come to rely on and cling to the perpetrator - a type of munchauser or something.

so why, with a loving supportive boyfriend, is she going backwards instead of forwards - why not turn to you, who is a positive force, for her self esteem?

this is tricky -perhaps her self-esteem has hit a low point lately? that might explain why she's reverted to old habits. OR likely, she hasn't solved this issue yet - sounds like she still suffers from low self esteem, she doesn't have a high opinion of herself, so she turns to someone who will reinforce that - tell her she's not worthy, criticise her, because its familiar, and he's in control, it may not be positive feedback, but at least its feedback...and if he's in control, and feeding on her negative self-image, then its validating that she's right to feel that way about herself, she feels ok, if I think it, and he thinks it, then it's true.

It can be very hard to break this cycle, and its very much up to your girlfriend to finally see and really accept that the ex's negative behaviour is not ok. Right now, she can say all she wants that he treated her like crap, but behind it all, she probably feels that she deserved some of it, and doesn't see that it really is not acceptable for someone else to treat her this way.

does she tend to get walked over? or accept someone treating her poorly in other areas of her life? Does she have a negative view of herself?

What can you do so? Well, helping her to build up self esteem for one - try and encourage her to accomplish small things, even things like going to the gym, finishing some task...anything to reinforce that if she wants to do something, she can, and she'll succeed, or at least failing isn't so bad........keep encouraging her, and giving her confidence, praise her, remind her what she's good at/her talents/why she's lovable/what you love about her. be there as the positive voice, steady, yet give her the independance too - encourage her to be independant, to think for herself, to not look to you for her image. if she asks you what do you tink of me etc...get her to say it first, then reinforce it....it's a slow process, but eventually she'll learn to take her self esteem from herself, and not from outside influences....she'll be a stronger person for it.

I hope this helps.....it's all from my experience too....I was in her boat, though not as bad - I looked to an ex (whilst we were togetehr) for my self esteem. He treated me poorly, and I put up with it....now that we've split, and i have more confidence in myself (working on it)......a big part of me is very troubled that I could have let myself be treated so poorly, and wondered at my state of mind...I've started to notice it in other areas, though nto so much - I could tell other ppl not to treat me badly in work/friendships, but couldnt demand it for myself in the most intimate area of my life.

I wouldn't see the ex as a threat - try not to be jealous - don't talk to him, but don't 'forbid' her to either, it's something she'll have to work through, and hopefully she'll realise finally that it's not good for her to keep contact. but she'll realise it herself, u can't tell her.

This is the best advice you could possibly get.