Casual relationship with girl with troubled past

LegacyUser

Met a girl recently. I'm recently out of a relationship and not looking for anything too serious.

Anyway, we went out a few times, and slept together on our third meeting, and have been having marathon sex sessions since. I have a very high sex drive, and she seems to be verging on nympho! If we're not having sex, she's talking about it, sending dirty texts, etc. We've agreed that we'd see each other exclusively. So I suppose we're boyfriend and girlfriend.

For me it's ideal, but I'm a little worried about her. She seems happy enough with it, and has suggested we see each other exclusively. Which I'm happy to do. But she's had some trouble in the past.

We were talking last night, and she told me that as a child she was abused. (She didn't say physically or sexually, but I'm guessing the latter). She said she got counselling on the advice of an ex boyfriend, and that she worked through these issues. She's now trying to get a job with a charity for abused children.

However I can't help but notice that she seems quite emotionally reserved. She claims that it's because she's tough, but she never seems to really show any real emotions. Even telling me she was abused, she seemed to be a little casual and detached. Which makes me wonder if she is indeed over it.

I also think she might be using sex as a subsitute for communication. Like it's a way of making her feel wanted or close to someone.
She likes rough forceful sex where she's dominated, which is fine. Lots of girls like that, but I feel a bit wrong doing it now, knowing she was abused before.

I do like her as a person, and here's where it's going to sound a little selfish, but I'm not really looking for anything serious, and I'm afraid of getting in too deep. But then again, I don't want to break up with her over things like this, from her past. After all, they're in the past, and she says she's over them.

She's completely normal in all other ways. And I do like her. We don't have a whole lot in common, so I don't really see the relationship going anywhere. She was seeing someone else when we first met a couple months ago, and that relationship broke up amiably, so I don't think she's the, so called, 'bunny boiler' type.

Does anyone here have any experience in this area? Does this sound like the behaviour of someone who's really worked through their issues? Am I just reading into this too much? Maybe she just really likes sex, and I should just enjoy it.

LegacyUser

equinoxlocal wrote: »

Met a girl recently. I'm recently out of a relationship and not looking for anything too serious.

Anyway, we went out a few times, and slept together on our third meeting, and have been having marathon sex sessions since. I have a very high sex drive, and she seems to be verging on nympho! If we're not having sex, she's talking about it, sending dirty texts, etc. We've agreed that we'd see each other exclusively. So I suppose we're boyfriend and girlfriend.

For me it's ideal, but I'm a little worried about her. She seems happy enough with it, and has suggested we see each other exclusively. Which I'm happy to do. But she's had some trouble in the past.

We were talking last night, and she told me that as a child she was abused. (She didn't say physically or sexually, but I'm guessing the latter). She said she got counselling on the advice of an ex boyfriend, and that she worked through these issues. She's now trying to get a job with a charity for abused children.

However I can't help but notice that she seems quite emotionally reserved. She claims that it's because she's tough, but she never seems to really show any real emotions. Even telling me she was abused, she seemed to be a little casual and detached. Which makes me wonder if she is indeed over it.

I also think she might be using sex as a subsitute for communication. Like it's a way of making her feel wanted or close to someone.
She likes rough forceful sex where she's dominated, which is fine. Lots of girls like that, but I feel a bit wrong doing it now, knowing she was abused before.

I do like her as a person, and here's where it's going to sound a little selfish, but I'm not really looking for anything serious, and I'm afraid of getting in too deep. But then again, I don't want to break up with her over things like this, from her past. After all, they're in the past, and she says she's over them.

She's completely normal in all other ways. And I do like her. We don't have a whole lot in common, so I don't really see the relationship going anywhere. She was seeing someone else when we first met a couple months ago, and that relationship broke up amiably, so I don't think she's the, so called, 'bunny boiler' type.

Does anyone here have any experience in this area? Does this sound like the behaviour of someone who's really worked through their issues? Am I just reading into this too much? Maybe she just really likes sex, and I should just enjoy it.

OP, this are not about her issues.

It's about your issues really.

I fall into this trap alot! I like a girl, I find out she was abused, I think she can't be over it and I think too much, I ruin what I have.

Seriously, if she says she is over it then you either have to put up, or shut up.

If she likes rough sex, it's what she likes, don't complain, just enjoy it.

By and large, people do get over these things horrible as they are.

You are just reading too much into it really, being an amatuer psychologist.

On the issue of you wanting to keep it casual, just tell her.Simple as, otherwise you risk hurting her, and that's just an asshat thing to do.

Enjoy it while it lasts and don't read into it.

stephen_n

You seem to be reading an awful lot into things at a very early stage of a relationship your not even sure exists yet, as in you guess you bf/gf as it's exclusive now. Maybe the reason she is not emotive about talking about the abuse is because she has dealt with it! Just get the feeling form your post that your looking for the backdoor so maybe it's your own issues you should be concerned about!

hollis12

equinoxlocal wrote: »

Met a girl recently. I'm recently out of a relationship and not looking for anything too serious.

Anyway, we went out a few times, and slept together on our third meeting, and have been having marathon sex sessions since. I have a very high sex drive, and she seems to be verging on nympho! If we're not having sex, she's talking about it, sending dirty texts, etc. We've agreed that we'd see each other exclusively. So I suppose we're boyfriend and girlfriend.

For me it's ideal, but I'm a little worried about her. She seems happy enough with it, and has suggested we see each other exclusively. Which I'm happy to do. But she's had some trouble in the past.

We were talking last night, and she told me that as a child she was abused. (She didn't say physically or sexually, but I'm guessing the latter). She said she got counselling on the advice of an ex boyfriend, and that she worked through these issues. She's now trying to get a job with a charity for abused children.

However I can't help but notice that she seems quite emotionally reserved. She claims that it's because she's tough, but she never seems to really show any real emotions. Even telling me she was abused, she seemed to be a little casual and detached. Which makes me wonder if she is indeed over it.

I also think she might be using sex as a subsitute for communication. Like it's a way of making her feel wanted or close to someone.
She likes rough forceful sex where she's dominated, which is fine. Lots of girls like that, but I feel a bit wrong doing it now, knowing she was abused before.

I do like her as a person, and here's where it's going to sound a little selfish, but I'm not really looking for anything serious, and I'm afraid of getting in too deep. But then again, I don't want to break up with her over things like this, from her past. After all, they're in the past, and she says she's over them.

She's completely normal in all other ways. And I do like her. We don't have a whole lot in common, so I don't really see the relationship going anywhere. She was seeing someone else when we first met a couple months ago, and that relationship broke up amiably, so I don't think she's the, so called, 'bunny boiler' type.

Does anyone here have any experience in this area? Does this sound like the behaviour of someone who's really worked through their issues? Am I just reading into this too much? Maybe she just really likes sex, and I should just enjoy it.

if you were raped tonight and from tomororow onwards people referred to you as normal apart from the rape how would you feel, if she was sexually abused its normal to be traumatised after it, it would be abnormal not to. if she has worked through her issues the i would class her as extraordinary.

as the earlier posters said your the one pushing her away, looking for a reason to condem her, be happy with yourself and youll be happier with her

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice.

When I say I suppose we're boyfriend and girlfriend. That's not me reading into it. She asked me specifically to be her boyfriend. I was just felt a little odd using the term so soon into a relationship.

Anyway we've spent the last 3 days together, and she seems to have opened up a bit more, and I think she's just a strong person. I dunno. I always had an impression of people who've been abused as emotionally scarred and fragile, which I know is a sweeping generalisation.

And I think you're all right, when you say I was looking for a way out. Reading your post Beentherebefore, made me think that maybe I do want more than a casual relationship. I just thought I did, cause I was afraid of being too involved. So we had a talk about what we wanted, and we both want to try and make something more than just sex. Not get too deeply involved just yet, but have a good time, enjoy each other's company and see how it goes. She even suggested we go a week without sex and see how compatible we are otherwise.

We're 2 days in now and I'm actually enjoying it. I think she's finding it harder than me.
So thanks again for the advice.

hollis12

equinoxlocal wrote: »

Thanks for the advice.

When I say I suppose we're boyfriend and girlfriend. That's not me reading into it. She asked me specifically to be her boyfriend. I was just felt a little odd using the term so soon into a relationship.

Anyway we've spent the last 3 days together, and she seems to have opened up a bit more, and I think she's just a strong person. I dunno. I always had an impression of people who've been abused as emotionally scarred and fragile, which I know is a sweeping generalisation.

And I think you're all right, when you say I was looking for a way out. Reading your post Beentherebefore, made me think that maybe I do want more than a casual relationship. I just thought I did, cause I was afraid of being too involved. So we had a talk about what we wanted, and we both want to try and make something more than just sex. Not get too deeply involved just yet, but have a good time, enjoy each other's company and see how it goes. She even suggested we go a week without sex and see how compatible we are otherwise.

We're 2 days in now and I'm actually enjoying it. I think she's finding it harder than me.
So thanks again for the advice.

its not a sweeping generalization its boll*x, i know and have worked with many adult survivors of abuse and i can say that the survivors and what you say is offensive, people who went through this go through far more than 99% of people, as several survivors put it "the fear my abuser created can never be matched in life so i know that nothing in life can frighten me"

your presuming all sorts about this girl yet she probably inst doubting the relationship as you are.

stephen_n

equinoxlocal wrote: »

Not get too deeply involved just yet, but have a good time, enjoy each other's company and see how it goes. She even suggested we go a week without sex and see how compatible we are otherwise.

Getting deeply involved with her is something that will happen by itself or else it won't. It's not like it's a decision you have to make, which is probably part of the self talk that is causing your fear in the first place. Just relax and enjoy it, let if go where it's going and try to remember that control is an illusion in a relationship, what will be will be!

hollis12 wrote: »

its not a sweeping generalization its boll*x, i know and have worked with many adult survivors of abuse and i can say that the survivors and what you say is offensive, people who went through this go through far more than 99% of people, as several survivors put it "the fear my abuser created can never be matched in life so i know that nothing in life can frighten me"

your presuming all sorts about this girl yet she probably inst doubting the relationship as you are.

I'm not sure why your giving him such a hard time! also from what your posting your not really reading what he is saying or only reading it in part. I am a survivor of abuse and I don't find what he is saying offensive, I find it to be quite normal for people who have no experience of abuse or abused people. People need to be explained to not preached to or attacked for not knowing.

steddyeddy

stephen_n wrote: »

Getting deeply involved with her is something that will happen by itself or else it won't. It's not like it's a decision you have to make, which is probably part of the self talk that is causing your fear in the first place. Just relax and enjoy it, let if go where it's going and try to remember that control is an illusion in a relationship, what will be will be!



I'm not sure why your giving him such a hard time! also from what your posting your not really reading what he is saying or only reading it in part. I am a survivor of abuse and I don't find what he is saying offensive, I find it to be quite normal for people who have no experience of abuse or abused people. People need to be explained to not preached to or attacked for not knowing.

well i am also a victim of abuse and i find the phrases scarred and fragile really stupid, the fact that a survivor of abuse is still alive mans that he is anything but fragile.

stephen_n

steddyeddy wrote: »

well i am also a victim of abuse and i find the phrases scarred and fragile really stupid, the fact that a survivor of abuse is still alive mans that he is anything but fragile.

So you think attacking his post is the way to go? I know what he said isn't true or accurate but I was pointing out that what he said isn't offensive to me it's just wrong and since he had already said he was re adjusting his view point before the second attack I couldn't see the point of the posts. He has clearly no experience of abuse or abused people and has a lot to learn!