Argument over Blow Job

LegacyUser

ok basically my wife never gives me blow jobs. Maybe once every month if im lucky (and even then she complains about it). So two nights ago I asked her for one and she said no and i complained that she never gives them even though she knows how much i enjoy them and then she said she doesnt like giving them. Now every time we have sex I give her oral after till she cums (she cant cum from pentration) so when she made the point that she doesnt like giving them I responsed with "do you think I like giving you oral every time after we have sex? No, but I do it to make sure your happy"
I just felt it was a bit unfair that I give her oral till she cums every night of the week and she cant even make the effort to give me a blow job more than once every month.
She got really upset about this and wouldnt talk to me so I left. I txted her later trying to be mature about the whole thing and said I was sorry and it was a dickhead comment to make and that she can txt me when she wants to talk about it. She hasn't replied in 2 days. Was I in the wrong?

ztoical

bjguy wrote: »

ok basically my wife never gives me blow jobs. Maybe once every month if im lucky

Ok she either never gives you a blow job or you get one maybe once a month.

Were you in the middle of having sex when you asked her? Have you ever tired taking to her about it outside of the bedroom? Have you ever told her you dislike giving her oral up until this point or made any connection between doing it and her giving you oral? If you've never made this connection you can't throw that in her face in the middle of sex. She's made it clear she dislikes blowjobs yet still performs them [even if it's not as often as you like] so she has made an effort.

It's not very mature for a married couple to discuss an issue in their sex lives by phone....call her and arrange to sit down and talk openly about whats happening. Find out what it is that she dislikes....it might be that you are too aggressive and trusting to much and she is choking, or [and don't take this wrong] you might need to wash more around that area before, esp if your not cut. Is she willing to give you a hand job but not oral or not willing to do either? You need to speak openly with each other about these issues in a relaxed manner not in the middle of having sex.

LegacyUser

ztoical wrote: »

Were you in the middle of having sex when you asked her? Have you ever tired taking to her about it outside of the bedroom? Have you ever told her you dislike giving her oral up until this point or made any connection between doing it and her giving you oral? If you've never made this connection you can't throw that in her face in the middle of sex. She's made it clear she dislikes blowjobs yet still performs them [even if it's not as often as you like] so she has made an effort.

No we weren't having sex we were lying in bed and I asked her for one. I don't really dislike giving oral to her but obviously its an inconvenience. I mean if were honest most men wouldnt like giving oral after they came but I do it for her.

It's not very mature for a married couple to discuss an issue in their sex lives by phone....call her and arrange to sit down and talk openly about whats happening.

Sorry shes my girlfriend dont know I put wife down!

Find out what it is that she dislikes....it might be that you are too aggressive and trusting to much and she is choking,

I usually lie back and dont thrust.

or [and don't take this wrong] you might need to wash more around that area before, esp if your not cut. Is she willing to give you a hand job but not oral or not willing to do either? You need to speak openly with each other about these issues in a relaxed manner not in the middle of having sex.

I do wash vigorously in that area and trim. Shes already said thats not the issue. She doesnt give handjobs either and has stated she doesnt like it because its so much work. I just dont think this is fair.

Sir Ophiuchus

It's way easier to hurt people's feelings with discussion of sex than with almost anything else - it makes people very vulnerable.

She's upset because of the inference that you don't always enjoy every aspect of every time you have sex with her. This is probably true (and true for everyone - everyone accommodates their needs and desires to their partner's a bit or a lot), but she didn't enjoy hearing it.

I suggest explaining - in person - that you love her and love being intimate with her, and that you weren't suggesting that you didn't enjoy being with her. Ideally you should try to raise the issue of how each of you can accommodate the other's sexual needs (is there something she really enjoys that you don't? Something she hasn't mentioned before?), though she may be upset enough that she won't discuss it for a while now.

A few miscellaneous comments: it is a bit unreasonable for her to expect more from you than you from her, but she may not have realised how much effort you were putting in; not coming exclusively from vaginal penetration is extremely common for women; have you seen your wife face-to-face in the past two days?

LegacyUser

Sir Ophiuchus wrote: »

It's way easier to hurt people's feelings with discussion of sex than with almost anything else - it makes people very vulnerable.

She's upset because of the inference that you don't always enjoy every aspect of every time you have sex with her. This is probably true (and true for everyone - everyone accommodates their needs and desires to their partner's a bit or a lot), but she didn't enjoy hearing it.

I think you're right I'm an idiot I can totally see her point of view now.

krudler

Well it was a bit harsh that you said to her you dont enjoy giving her oral but do it anyway (do you not or was it just out of anger and to prove a point?) but at the same time its not fair for her to happily accept something from you she wont return the favour for. Thats a tricky one tbh, I wouldnt want a girl giving me oral if I knew she hated it, I'd rather she didnt do it at all rather than do it begrudgingly and to keep me happy, thinking someone is only doing something sexual for a quiet life and loathing every second of it isnt exactly a turnon imo.

Aside from oral have ye tried using a vibrator to make her cum? you can get cool small ones that slip over your finger that really work (or so my missus tells me )

Also, its a bit immature for a married couple to rely on texting each other to solve an issue like this, you're not two 14 year olds having a teenage lovers tiff, this is something that needs to be solved by sitting down and talking face to face, no shouting, no accusing, no tit for tat "well you never so why should I?" argument, just talk it out and reach a solution

LegacyUser

krudler wrote: »

Well it was a bit harsh that you said to her you dont enjoy giving her oral but do it anyway (do you not or was it just out of anger and to prove a point?) but at the same time its not fair for her to happily accept something from you she wont return the favour for. Thats a tricky one tbh, I wouldnt want a girl giving me oral if I knew she hated it, I'd rather she didnt do it at all rather than do it begrudgingly and to keep me happy, thinking someone is only doing something sexual for a quiet life and loathing every second of it isnt exactly a turnon imo.

I dont mind doing it at all it was just to prove a point really.

Aside from oral have ye tried using a vibrator to make her cum? you can get cool small ones that slip over your finger that really work (or so my missus tells me )

Not yet.

Also, its a bit immature for a married couple to rely on texting each other to solve an issue like this, you're not two 14 year olds having a teenage lovers tiff, this is something that needs to be solved by sitting down and talking face to face, no shouting, no accusing, no tit for tat "well you never so why should I?" argument, just talk it out and reach a solution

My posts havent been approved yet but I put wife accidently its my girlfriend

LegacyUser

im not sure why your wife is upset!! She doesnt give blow jobs because she doesnt enjoy giving them to you. Fair enough. You dare to say you dont like giving them and she's off in a huff. This is very unfair and she seems like she's used to getting her own way and immature. But this is just my opinion. She's your wife so I guess you should talk things through with her - good luck!!

Shayman

two words: grow up. why force her to do something she doesn't like? you go and give some guy a bj and see if you like it!

Nevyn

Shayman Unhelpful and off-topic posting will get you banned from this forum.
Do take time to read the charter which contains the rules and abide by them.
Have a nice day.
Thaedydal

fend

As much as it is off posting and unhelpful, I'd actually have to agree with Shayman to be honest...

Grow Up. Don't make her do something she doesn't want to do. It is NOT uncommon for women to hate giving them. It is a totally different thing to performing oral on a woman. This is coming from a woman who also hates it, and tries to avoid it at all costs!

Nevyn

Telling someone to grow up is not helpful advice, please keep posts helpful and with in the rules of this forum.

There are plenty of men and women who do not like to give or receive oral sex.
If this is a deal breaker for you then I suggest you end the relationship rather then
having it spiral into frustration and toxicity.

Just because you preform oral sex on her that doe not give you the right to demand she reciprocate.
If you don't like preforming oral sex on her then stop, yes it does seem like you do it out of consideration for her,
that you get pleasure out of her enjoyment rather then enjoying the act it's self.
That cool but if she does not enjoy giving blow jobs or hand jobs either the acts or the effect on you
there is not a lot you can do.

You can be understanding and supportive and try have discussions as to why, but putting presusure on her is
not acceptable and like I said earlier if it's a deal breaker end the relationship and find someone else who is
happy to have both acts as part of your sex life as a couple.

Neyite

i think there is a bit of double standards here to be honest. argument aside, you give the impression that sex is important to you and you like to ensure your partner is satisfied.

the real issue here is that it is not reciprocated. youve stated you are clean, but you still have to beg for it each time. thats humiliating to be honest.

but you also say she wont give handjobs either as its too much work? seriously - an aversion i can understand and respect, but laziness and expecting the other person to do all the work in the leaba would bug me. so i see why you got annoyed. it sounds like she doesnt like touching you there at all.

she is not going to have a good think after this row and all of a sudden like to give BJ and HJ. she doesnt like it, or like the effort she has to make.

as you say, its not your wife - its a girlfriend. consider if a relationship with someone who thinks pleasing you in bed is too much work is what you really want long term. sex does dwindle in the best of relationships, so if it does in the future, are you happy with less of what you have now?

good luck.

iguana

I don't think you are comparing like with like when you compare her giving you a blowjob with you going down on her. Obviously at first glance it seems like the same thing but in this case if she can only orgasm from oral sex but you can orgasm in several ways it stops being the same.

If you want to get "tit for tat" about it you need to look at it differently. You orgasm when you have penetrative sex and she can't. So you giving her oral sex afterward is her "return" for the orgasm she has just given you from penetration. It might be different for her, but if I don't orgasm from penetration I find the whole act deeply unsatisfying. You do get satisfaction for that so it doesn't seem unreasonable that you should satisfy her too, especially when you don't dislike doing it.

I think you should start to think about the monthly blow job as a bonus and be grateful that she cares enough about you to do something she dislikes so regularly on you. Either that or you need to examine whether you are truly sexually compatible and if not think about where the relationship goes from there.

S23

You do have a point but you went about making it in the wrong way.

You need to be sensitive when approaching these things. I have to say I am surprised at some of the replies on here.

Fair enough if she can't cum through penetrative sex. You do your best to make sure she is satisfied sexually every time. I think thats the general idea of sex in a realtionship, to sexually satisfy your partner when possible.

As said you can do other things apart from oral. Sex toys, vibrators or maybe even try a c**k ring with one of those in built bullet vibrators that may help her achieve orgasm during penetration.

However, you do have a very valid and fair point. Basically she doesn't seem willing to do anything other than lie back and think of Ireland while you have sex? She doesn't like oral and a handjob is too much hard work?

To be honest that wouldn't cut the mustard for me. Everybody will make some kind of effort to find a middle ground. With her it may be giving you a blowjob once a month. Would you be happy with that? Maybe you are just not sexually compatible.

I know I certainly wouldn't be able to stick that. No blowjobs and no handjobs? Basically she doesn't wan't to go near your c**k. Seems a little strange to me.

I went out with a girl once who flat out refused to perform oral and fully expected me to do it for her. Now I enjoy performing oral so that wasn't an issue and I didn't withold. But it quickly became clear that the very vanilla sexual realtionship which was all she was willing to have wouldn't be enough for me.

You need to have a talk about it like adults. There may be issues or she might just not want to do it, full stop.

If the taste when you reach climax is a problem, this varies based on diet and drinking habits apparently, then try drinking a glass of pineapple juice a day. Apparently that does the trick.

shellyboo

Oh dear, OP. You could write a book on how not to discuss sex in a relationship.

I can see why she's upset - you accused her of "never" giving you oral when by your own admission you get one once a month. Since she doesn't like doing them, this probably seems like a lot to her, a big effort she's making - and then you threw that back in her face. Not good.

As someone who used to also hate it, I know the feeling of dread she has and it's not nice at all. It could also be that she feels she's no good at it, which is making her reluctant.

To fix it, you need to apologise - to her face, not by text. Then you need to sit down (not in bed) and tell her that while you appreciate the effort she makes already, you know she doesn't enjoy it and that takes the enjoyment out of it for you. Ask her if there's a way you can help her like it more, or if it's something you can work on as a couple to improve your sex life. Don't even *mention* how you give her oral, unless it's to tell her you do actually enjoy it and like seeing how much pleasure she gets from it.

LegacyUser

I'm a woman and I think she is totally in the wrong here. Don't run after her licking up to her (!!!!) She got a home truth and she is sulking now.

She is being completely hypocritical refusing to give you blowies and expecting YOU to go down on her till she comes. The cheek of her.

I don't really believe that most women can't come from penetration, you just have to experiment with angles till he is hitting the spot and once you learn it, its easy.

Besides, she needs to learn she is responsible for her own orgasm. She can't just expect to lie there and let the man do all the work.

LegacyUser

I am also a woman, and absolutely agree with good enough and S23, she sounds like shes not willing to do very much for you, its all a bit too much hard work!! She seems to be awfully selfish on this OP.. does this behaviour spread to other aspects in your relationship?

S23

good enough wrote: »

I'm a woman and I think she is totally in the wrong here. Don't run after her licking up to her (!!!!) She got a home truth and she is sulking now.

She is being completely hypocritical refusing to give you blowies and expecting YOU to go down on her till she comes. The cheek of her.

I don't really believe that most women can't come from penetration, you just have to experiment with angles till he is hitting the spot and once you learn it, its easy.

Besides, she needs to learn she is responsible for her own orgasm. She can't just expect to lie there and let the man do all the work.

About 40% of women cannot orgasm through penetrative sex alone. I don't want to cast judgement on the girl but it sounds like she might not have tried a lot of stuff. Manual stimulation of the clitoris during sex might help. Many things might get the job done. I think they just need to have an adult chat about their sexual relationship and sort things out that way.

krudler

bjguy wrote: »

I dont mind doing it at all it was just to prove a point really.

Nooooo, girls dont like being given silly reasoning like that, now you've opened up a bigger can of worms and shes going to question her enjoyment recieving oral from now on, you cant now go back and say "actually i do like it, forget what i said" as it'll be in the back of her mind that you dont enjoy it and are only doing it to keep her happy. Made that stupid mistake myself with other things, dont blurt stuff out in an argument to get one up on someone, it'll only make things worse.

The oral thing is a delicate situation, I do enjoy giving and recieving, so I get enjoyment out of the fact she enjoys it, if that makes sense. But at the same time if someone point blank refused to do it to me, I wouldnt be jumping at the chance to do it to her.

ztoical

good enough wrote: »

I'm a woman and I think she is totally in the wrong here. Don't run after her licking up to her (!!!!) She got a home truth and she is sulking now.

She is being completely hypocritical refusing to give you blowies and expecting YOU to go down on her till she comes. The cheek of her.

Hold on where did the OP say she expected oral and then refused to give him oral? He said she didn't like giving him blowjobs but still did them about once a month. He had never spoken to her about him going down on her and getting oral in return....sorry if a guy says nothing and goes down on me and then suddenly demands oral in return it would be tough sweet heart...cheek of him to think one equals the other...I'd prob have done it without being asked but this attitude? frankly if the only reason a guy gives oral is to get it back I'd prob tell to just not bother at all, I don't have any issue with oral giving or getting but this attitude of "well I did it but didn't really like and now you have to"...if he asked for anal sex does that mean I can assume I get to have anal play with him without checking with him?

See this is why communication in a relationship is important kids.

theg81der

As a woman who definetely can`t orgasm from penetrative sex I do understand this but OP have you tried giving her oral first? has she tried masterbation while you have sex - that way you can both orgasm at the same time?

She seems a bit selfish and lazy. So basically if she "lets" you ave sex with her she gets oral? Relationships are about give and take (yes sometimes literally!). I`m sure if you didn`t love this woman and care about her happiness you would happily let her service your needs and consider hers irrelevant, but you do love and care for her so her needs are important to you, why are yours not to her? Does anyone really love giving oral? Or would choose to give instead of receive?

Would she happily go completely without sex, is that more the issue?

Barracudaincork

OP, i really feel your gf is in the wrong here, and that no matter what why you would of approched the subject you would of received the cold shouder from her and still backlash about it on here, you were in a no win situation.

IMO some people like giving and some people like receiving oral sex and some people dont like giving or receiving it. However, as your gf doesnt even want to give you hand jobs as she is too lazy, and she doesnt necessarily mind blow jobs (as you do occasionally get them) i think she is just to lazy and doesnt care about the sexual side of your relationship.

Ok so you can come during sex and she cant hence you give her oral, fair play to you, not many men would be so attentive. Now all you want it a BJ more than once a month, its not a big request and just because you can come during sex doesnt mean you dont want or enjoy or like the different feeling you get when coming from a BJ. Its a different sexual experience than sex and i guess you just dont want a sex life where vaginal penetration is the only sex you get.

I will await possible backlash for this comparassion: You can get your belly full and all the vitamins etc you need when you cook your own dinner at home, however when you get taken out for dinner or someone cooks for you it is still as enjoyable, the end result of your belly being full etc is still the same, its the journey that got that belly full thats different.

You want to enjoy a varied sex life, nothing wrong with that and you are also willing to give more than you receive, even though you dont love it. You need to decide if you want to be with a women who doesnt fulfill your sexual desires but you love or if you want to find a more suitable sex partner who you could love the same amount.

metrovelvet

You have two problems here.

One is how you are communicating. Number one rule in an argument is to never come out with "you NEVER" statements. For one thing, it is rarely accurate, and secondly it sounds like an accusation and then the other party gets defensive and you can pretty much guarantee it wont go well and it will escalate. And for christs sake, TEXT message? Are you kidding me?

Secondly, for whatever reason, and I dont know why, but a lot of Irish women really dont like giving them. She might see oral as a luxury for you as you dont "need" it to orgasm, whereas she does. You seem to have ventured into the accountant's book model at this point, and you will have to do some work to get out of it. This is no doubt one way of making sex anti sexy.

I think you should say you are sorry for how you spoke to her, and sounding so demanding and then rephrase everything into "i feel" and "it would be really nice if" phrases. And then just let things lie and see what happens.

Cheap Thrills!

OP, your girlfriend is way out of order in her attitude.

People are asking you to phrase and re-phrase your language until you reach a magic formula that might be to her pleasing if the wind blows west and the planets align in a certain angle, she MIGHT do you the HONOUR of going downtown...:rolleyes:

What a crock....she is being a primadonna and a hypocrite as well. Of course sex is not a currency where you give to get, but when one is doing all the giving (you) and one is doing all the getting (her) then that just smacks of selfishness. So I think she is the one who is giving to get. IE a token blowjob once a month and then expects you to get munching on her every time ye have sex.

I dont blame you being frustrated. She is very complacent. Now she is ignoring you to 'punish' you for having the audacity to challenge her.

So punishment if you displease her and reward if you are good? Is that it?

She is a grown adult but she is not acting like one.

LegacyUser

Every girl knows guys like getting blowjobs, so to be suprised and off sulking about it being said is immature.

Just like some of the other rational posters here, she's been lazy and wasn't bothered trying to please her boyfriend - she's off in a sulk now and that's her tough.

The OP didn't say it was complete tit-for-tat, he's saying he is the one not being lazy by trying to make her happy in bed with oral and she's just not bothering because she doesn't like it - seems really obvious he feels that considering he is willing to do something he might not always want to do it would be nice if she would do the same more than once every 30 days.

It's hilarious to hear so many people attacking this guy over wanting some sexual pleasure that he's providing his gf but his gf just isn't bothering - just to say I'm also a girl.

LegacyUser

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

Now she is ignoring you to 'punish' you for having the audacity to challenge her.

Or may be she's just hurt? And feels she can't talk to him? The OP would be the best judge.

I dunno about the primadonna idea. Sometimes an issue never really becomes an issue because the two people involved in the resolution are able to discuss it in a manner where both can calmly state their view. In this situation, the issue escalated, probably as a result of things said in the heat of the moment by BOTH parties.

Blaming his girlfriend and calling her a prima donna is a cop out. Unfortunately in relationships, it's usually the woman who gets the blame for causing the trouble even when both parties are equally to blame for what happened. The nagged, set upon, poor man propaganda is becoming more and more widespread. Most of the time it's not true.

Not directed at you OP by the way!...you're just looking for advice. The language you used probably wouldn't have been the best. If you wanted something from your boss* at work, would you go in with the same attitude? You don't have to tip toe around your girlfriend (or your boss for that matter) but the language you use when discussing issues makes a huge difference, and makes what would be a relationship-ending issue into a non issue.

*don't ask your boss for a blow job. Won't work no matter what language you use! : )

LegacyUser

Been there done that and have the t-shirt. My ex was pretty similar she would just take all the pleasure and give nothing and I mean nothing back in return and if you had to ask or suggest anything that was it for ages. It eventually drove me to finding someone else just for sex and that other person was happy with that but in the end I had enough and left. If you cannot work it out and its affecting you that much then you are not happy and neither is she and you should move on as I don't see her coming around at all as she does not like it for what ever reason and probably never will no matter how much you think she might change her mind.

Dudess

The guy said to his girlfriend he doesn't particularly like going down on her and she got all upset and huffy and won't speak to him, yet she has said to him a number of times that she doesn't like going down on him either - and he's the one being told to grow up?
At the same time though, if she doesn't want to do it, she doesn't want to do it. But her attitude and lack of understanding stinks.