Are all nighters acceptable?

LegacyUser

When you're in a relationship is staying out all night without a phonecall or a text to let your other half know you're safe/alive/drunk so forth and so on, acceptable? My boyfriend rolled in at 8am the other morning after a few drinks with the lads, long story short, they had a lock in in a pub I know well as a group of 25 women were on tour and the craic was mighty.. They left the pub at 7.30 am. I'm not pissed off about the large group of women, though admittedly I could have done without them! I'm raging because a) I woke up for work and he wasn't there, and b)when he rolled in he lied and said he'd stayed in his brothers house, it took me a total of 2 minutes to ring my friend who works in this bar and find out that wasn't the case, I knew his drunken babbling didn't add up. I'm neither suspicious nor surprised that he lied, he would do anything to avoid confrontation, a legacy of his marriage. I'm pretty angry though because it makes a bad situation a million times worse and there's no need for it, I'm not a monster!
Anyway, really just looking for your opinions on this.. Thanks..

shellyboo

Eh, not acceptable to not let you know. The women and the White lie - meh. I'd let that slide. But I wouldn't be ok with him not letting you know he was staying out. Does he make a habit of it though? We all get carried away sometimes.

Cheap Thrills!

I'm sure I'll be vilified for this but, no, this would do my head in too.

Specially if you live together, thats not to say mind you, I've not done it myself, because I have, but when I have done I've admitted where I was, reached a phone when I could and informed the other half asap

But, although I can understandi it I have also been on the recieving end, awake all night worrying about all sorts. So on balance I'm gonna say no, its not alright.

A phone call was all that was needed. I also had a controlling ex BF but its not right to bring that into the present relationship.

He owes you an apology.

omb0wyn5ehpij9

In my opinion, that isn't acceptable at all. It only takes 30 seconds to send a text, so at least you wouldn't have been worrying. I would be very annoyed in your situation

John Mason

i dont have a problem with it personally, i am not his mother.

the only thing i refuse to do is phone in sick for him

likewise he doesnt have a problem when i do it

Liam Byrne

Allnightlong wrote: »

it took me a total of 2 minutes to ring my friend who works in this bar and find out that wasn't the case,

Allnightlong wrote: »

I'm neither suspicious....

If someone told me something, I don't think I'd go ringing friends within 2 mins to check if what they said was true. Also, the fact that you immediately mentioned his previous marriage would also set off some alarm bells for me.

If ye are living together and he'd said a time that he'd likely be home, then yes, he's in the wrong - making you worry.

But if he hadn't mentioned a time, then he's not. It's understandable that you might worry, but that's your own "fault".

Had he given you a time that he might be home ? And is there an occasional night like this where it's not an issue ?

Herbal Deity

This incident aside, the tone of your post strongly indicates to me that you don't trust him in the slightest and I sense borderline resentment.

Maybe I'm reading way too much into this, however.

It's not fully acceptable, but it's not that big a deal if it's a once off. And you could have just called him.

juke

From the op, it would seem this was the first time the boyfriend has done something like this:

1. oops, he should have texted and didn't. No big deal
2. He should have texted and - but face it - it was a lock in, he didn't know in advance and it was unexpected, and sure, he would have texted, but he just put it off, until he he knew exactly what the story was and by the time he did, he was so drunk he forgot, and he knew what it's like and he knew you'd go mad so if he woke you at 5 am and.....

For me, 2 possible thoughts that went through his head when he put the key in the door the next morning.

Did you talk to him about this? What did he say?
His failure to send a text may have been wrong, but doesn't mean anything untoward happened.

Unless, op, you think otherwise?

krudler

I wouldnt feel the need to report in to my gf, and I dont expect her to either, but if we lived together and I woke up and she wasnt there I would be a bit worried in case anything happened her, theres been loads of times where we've gone out with friends and wound up back at peoples houses and either fell asleep on the couch or just stayed up talking drunken sh1te all night, it happens. Like others have said a simple text just to say where he was wouldnt have killed him, if the staying out isnt an issue and he knows you're ok with it then he shouldnt have anything to lie about

Miller Boy

Hi, OP. The very same happened to me. Twice in fact. Except I was the eejit who didn't come home! The first night I went to a soccer match. It was years before we had mobile phones. I phoned my fairly recently married wife from the pub about 9pm to say I'd be home shortly afterwards. Someone bought the next pint, etc., etc. and the next thing I know, I'm back in one of the lads' house, drinking whiskey (yuck!) and it's 3 o' clock in the morning!!!

When I got home I got the bollicking of a lifetime and it was well deserved! And, of course, I learned my lesson, until a few months later when I went out with a friend of mine in our park and, despite promising that I'd be home at a reasonable hour, I still hadn't arrived home at 4am! My wife had phoned her brother to say she thought I'd been beaten up somewhere and wanted him to ring the cops!!! When I arrived home an hour after that, I couldn't understand what all the fuss was aboput because I'd been in a neighbour's house, listening to new cd's he'd bought.

The following morning, it hit me like a bolt from the blue what an idiot I'd been and, I'm happy to report, it hasn't happened since. (Almost 20 years!).

Two things.............

Nowadays, with mobile phones, it wouldn't be a big deal to send a text just to touch base.

But, when you're out like that, it's so easy to be carried away on a timeless tide of craic and after hours drink, which is surely the sweetest tasting beer in the world, apart from a free pint!

I guess what I'm trying to say is that your partner didn't do the right thing but, I would bet my house that it was all innocent fun and stupidity.

I have been that soldier!

LegacyUser

Op
Im sure you know that everyones opinion will be different on this its a communication issue.

What you really wanted to ask was
Does my boyfriend love me enough to be considerate to my feelings and text me when he will be home or that he is ok.

Well only he knows the answer to that it doesnt help that he lied but Id put that aside untill he was sober and if he carried on the story Id be worried.
It sounds like it is the first time this has happened Im not going to go with the people who say let it slide as its a minior indescression because Im sure to you it isnt.
you need to set a precednt that this isnt on if he didnt do anything then he has nothing to lie about.
sure we all love a lock in and a party who doesnt, but the only people who lie about it are those who have something to lie about.
I doubt he got up to anything but the fact Id be more worried about is the lies what else would he be willing to lie about?
For some reason I think theres some important details missing that you need to find out about.
you also need to look at your relationship why did you ring your friend after only 2 mins?
is there trust issues ? did his previous marrige end over something similar?
something has set off an alarm in your head you need to sort it or it will eat away till your relationship is over.

LegacyUser

Hi Guys, first of all thanks a million for all of your replies, even the ones I don't necessarily agree with are appreciated.
Okay, to break it down..
I was pissed off yes, I realise that **** happens in a relationship and human nature if far from perfect, so yeh, honestly it bothered me that he stayed out till 8am, the fibs bothered me more, the reason I called my friend is because I knew he was lying through his teeth, and I wanted the full story, which I don't think is too unreasonable. When we were together first, he lied alot, not big stonkers, but little white ones, to avoid confrontation, this bothered me, and gradually we worked through itthe ex marriage was mentioned because the wife seemed to be quite controlling and my boyfriend would do anything for an easy life.. anyway, now, four years later, it very rarely raises it's head, however going on past "incidents" I knew he'd stick to the "fake" story, however, I also knew the next time we went for a drink with the gang the truth would come out, so honestly, I wanted to know it then, so I wouldn't be surprised/embarrassed/angry later. I suppose I saw the lie as a set back, when he's made a big effort to tell the truth regardless of my reaction, which is usually mild, and I've made the effort to show him he can fecking tell the truth. I trust him with my life, but it's taken a while, thanks to the above.,,, and I would like to continue to trust him, so there you go.
I also realise I'm not his mother, but not matter who I've lived with in the past Mother/Friend etc.. I would always drop a quick text If I'm staying out, usually for practical reasons like locking the door etc.. But also I think it's common courtesy.

Whippersnapper

I would be extremely annoyed with him. Our relationship functions so well because we are both bluntly honest at all times. We learned the hard way after a couple of pints after work became 4am. A couple of pints after work always used to mean home around midnight at the latest until I woke up one night at 3am and I was still alone in the bed. Since then, it's texts and phonecalls whenever we are out.

S23

No need for it in this day and age. Mobile phones negate any excuse that 'it was a spur of the moment thing'. Maybe it was but its still easy to make contact and say you'll be gone all night.

Nothing to do with controlling the other half or anything like that. But waking up to an empty bed when you know your partner had the means to contact you at any stage the night previously would be enough to worry most people.

Fair is fair. If you want to pull an all nighter thats your own perogative but at least have the decency to inform the person you live with so they know what the craic is

MelanieC

Allnightlong wrote: »

Hi Guys, first of all thanks a million for all of your replies, even the ones I don't necessarily agree with are appreciated.
Okay, to break it down..
I was pissed off yes, I realise that **** happens in a relationship and human nature if far from perfect, so yeh, honestly it bothered me that he stayed out till 8am, the fibs bothered me more, the reason I called my friend is because I knew he was lying through his teeth, and I wanted the full story, which I don't think is too unreasonable. When we were together first, he lied alot, not big stonkers, but little white ones, to avoid confrontation, this bothered me, and gradually we worked through itthe ex marriage was mentioned because the wife seemed to be quite controlling and my boyfriend would do anything for an easy life.. anyway, now, four years later, it very rarely raises it's head, however going on past "incidents" I knew he'd stick to the "fake" story, however, I also knew the next time we went for a drink with the gang the truth would come out, so honestly, I wanted to know it then, so I wouldn't be surprised/embarrassed/angry later. I suppose I saw the lie as a set back, when he's made a big effort to tell the truth regardless of my reaction, which is usually mild, and I've made the effort to show him he can fecking tell the truth. I trust him with my life, but it's taken a while, thanks to the above.,,, and I would like to continue to trust him, so there you go.
I also realise I'm not his mother, but not matter who I've lived with in the past Mother/Friend etc.. I would always drop a quick text If I'm staying out, usually for practical reasons like locking the door etc.. But also I think it's common courtesy.

OP, take no notice of the posters telling you you have trust issues and are acting like his mother etc. I recently posted a similar problem looking fo some constructive advice and perspective when my bf told me a little white lie and I got crucified for it, called a control freak and a nag and everything just for expecting the truth from the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with! Like that's too much to ask!! :rolleyes:

You are not controlling him or acting like his mother just because you expect a call or text when he's out all night. He is one half of a relationship and while he has the right to stay out all night if he wants to, you are the other half and equally have the right to be told about it (truthfully!). It's not control, it's respect and courtesy not to mention consideration for the other person's feelings - if it were me I would hate the thought of my OH being up all night worrying that something terrible had happened to me, if it only takes a simple text to spare him that, then of course I'd text. He should have felt the same towards you that night.

I realise a lot of drink was involved and we all get carried away sometimes and forget things so don't be too hard on him this time but make it clear it cannot happen again, it's not fair on you. Personally I think the lying is nearly worse but then a lot of fellas do tell white lies to avoid confrontation. My fella has done this once or twice (without any messy ex marriage behind him!) and I really had to explain to him how much it hurt me and that honesty has to be paramount between a couple. Children lie if they think the truth will get them into trouble, adults should have the maturity to be truthful and face the consequences. Like you said, you're not a monster! And I"m not either, but I think it's more laziness than anything to be honest with you! Even if he knows the reaction is going to be mild enough, he still couldn't be bothered!!

Make it clear that you expect consideration, respect and honesty from him above all else and I've no doubt ye'll have a happy loving partnership!

Barracudaincork

MelanieC wrote: »

You are not controlling him or acting like his mother just because you expect a call or text when he's out all night. He is one half of a relationship and while he has the right to stay out all night if he wants to, you are the other half and equally have the right to be told about it.

+1

You shouldnt have an issue with him staying out but he should of texted you, esp if you are living together and you are expecting him back.

For whats its worth, chances are he wanted to but he may have been brow beaten by the lads and the crowd of girls into not texting/calling, they could of been giving him grieve and he didnt want to appear uncool, which is of course childish etc but it might be a reason, although not an excuse.

BraziliaNZ

i like to go on total benders every now and again till god awful times of the next day. I don't live with a girl now but if I did I don't see why it would be a problem unless it was happening regularly. It's not a big deal, and he probably didn't tell you he was in the bar for fear of you freaking out.