What do you wish you had of been told...

Nevyn

when you were starting to go through puberty?

I've now got 12 year old boy and the chemical changes are starting.
He knows what changes he will undergo but I am always wary about over loading him with info he doesn't need yet. Yes I am hoping his Dad will be part of this fun adventure for our son but I've always been the more go to parent
and his Dad had said puberty just happened and he ignored it as much as possible.

So what do you wish you were told a young lad or indeed wish you weren't told?

brenchman

i wish i had of been told to speak properly.

The Recliner

I kind of found out everything I needed to know from TV and movies and figured it out myself

My Dad in probably one of the most mortifying things he has ever had to do made a half hearted attempt to talk about the subject but I saved him the embarassment and told him I had learnt about it in Biology in school (fair play to him for trying though)

I would imagine a lot of kids these days know the mechanics of things from the internet and media etc so I reckon the best thing you can do for him is educate him about being careful and sensible and disuss the emotional side of things with him as that is probably what is missing from most peoples knowledge gleaned from the media and internet

HalloweenJack

I would have appreciated my mother telling me what girls find attractive, how to impress them and how to talk to them, etc..

Herbal Deity

Masturbation is ok.

I know this won't happen because you're not a traditional Catholic mother in the slightest, but I was given a horrible, disgusting, Catholic book called "Ready, Steady, Grow", which explained sex and sexuality in such a horrible, demonising way, and made me feel guilty about masturbation when I started (at about 11).

She did give me another book about a year or two later which was produced in the UK and was far more liberal and far, far better. I forget the name of it now, but it really reassured me and probably began my intense dislike of Catholicism.

Also, being a bit of a whizz at computers for my age, I had learned things about sex and sexuality that I'm sure many middle aged men would not have the slightest clue about by the time I was about 14.

The extent to which you monitor him online is up to you, but I would suggest you don't be too strict about it. I wasn't monitored at all, but dial up was very restrictive compared to now.

Basically, the biggest things about puberty for me were masturbation, the first strong feelings of arousal and curiousity about women and women's bodies. I would consider it to be a private, personal experience, and that the best thing you can do as a parent is to let him know that its ok and normal, without being too interfering.

Though all that said, that's just me. Things I lacked which might have been helpful would have been being taught how to interact with others, particularly girls, a little better. Expose him to girls through extra curricular activities as early as possible. I was definitely delayed in my social development when it came to girls because I did too many male-only activities when I was around that age and younger.

Goduznt Xzst

I wish I'd been told:

"There is no God watching and judging you, Devil tempting and tricking you, there are no demons stalking you, angels protecting you, you are what you are, whatever obstacles you trip over and failures you experience will turn you into a person that will one day be loved completely by the person you marry, by the family you raise and by the friends you hold."

donfers

I'll be honest here.

I wish I hadn't been told anything.

Trust me here, anything you are going to tell him HE ALREADY KNOWS. In fact his knowledge of things sexual/taboo is probably several levels above what you think it is. He will already have got all the info he needs and more from his peer group (school friends/neighbourhood friends) or simply from being exposed to the ever-expanding sources of media out there (tv/net/magazines/mobile phone etc etc).

My advice is don't say anything.

There is nothing more cringeworthy and embarrassing for a kid than a parent (who with good intentions, trying to be all hands-on and pro-active and pally with their kid) tells them stuff in a kind of patronising/mollycoddling way when they are already more than aware of the stuff you are talking about.

So while you are mumbling and bumbling your euphemisms away left, right and centre the kid will be sitting there silently, trying not to blush all the while dying a little inside waiting for the whole sorry episode to finish.

This never works. Even though your intentions are good, it doesn't work. It's almost a rites of passage scenario in itself at this stage, the new age hippie parent trying to be all cool and down with the youth, trying to explain sex and sexuality to their kid when the kid is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS several levels beyond the parents' expectations in terms of his knowledge of such matters. (of course the kid will never admit to this and will play the naive innocent wide-eyed dote role that s/he thinks is what is expected of him/her)

Sometimes I think the parent does it to feel better about themselves, moreso than for the kid's benefit.

But there you go, that's just my opinion. Take it or leave it, most choose the latter.

Wibbs

HalloweenJack wrote: »

I would have appreciated my mother telling me what girls find attractive, how to impress them and how to talk to them, etc..

Actually thats not a bad one. The just be yourself stuff didnt really cut it.

That and embarrassing things will happen, but you wont remember them years later. Puberty is pretty much based on varying levels of embarrassment.

Herbal deity had great points. + one to them.

I take donfers point too. See embarrassment above. Especially on the sex stuff. Id still give him the inside track on women though. That bit you can defo help with I reckon.

Dont be at yourself

donfers wrote: »

I'll be honest here.

I wish I hadn't been told anything.

Trust me here, anything you are going to tell him HE ALREADY KNOWS. In fact his knowledge of things sexual/taboo is probably several levels above what you think it is. He will already have got all the info he needs and more from his peer group (school friends/neighbourhood friends) or simply from being exposed to the ever-expanding sources of media out there (tv/net/magazines/mobile phone etc etc).

My advice is don't say anything.

There is nothing more cringeworthy and embarrassing for a kid than a parent (who with good intentions, trying to be all hands-on and pro-active and pally with their kid) tells them stuff in a kind of patronising/mollycoddling way when they are already more than aware of the stuff you are talking about.

So while you are mumbling and bumbling your euphemisms away left, right and centre the kid will be sitting there silently, trying not to blush all the while dying a little inside waiting for the whole sorry episode to finish.

This never works. Even though your intentions are good, it doesn't work. It's almost a rites of passage scenario in itself at this stage, the new age hippie parent trying to be all cool and down with the youth, trying to explain sex and sexuality to their kid when the kid is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS several levels beyond the parents' expectations in terms of his knowledge of such matters. (of course the kid will never admit to this and will play the naive innocent wide-eyed dote role that s/he thinks is what is expected of him/her)

Sometimes I think the parent does it to feel better about themselves, moreso than for the kid's benefit.

But there you go, that's just my opinion. Take it or leave it, most choose the latter.

This.

A 12 year old kid already knows - and will definitely find out - more about the bird and the bees than most adults would give them credit for. And more than some adults know themselves, no doubt.

homerun_homer

I was given a book and told to read it. It was one of them stupid ones with life like drawings of naked people and the anatomy of it all. It was weird but it beats being told at the dinner table.

That would have been a freak out.

Nevyn

Ah he already knows about the biological functions and mechanics of sex, that has been part of answering his questions from the time he started asked them from the age of about 7. I never saw the point of trying to bolt the stable door after by trying to start sex ed this late.
I was more wondering about being there for him through puberty and the awkwardness of it all.

fartmaster

Herbal Deity wrote: »

Also, being a bit of a whizz at computers for my age, I had learned things about sex and sexuality that I'm sure many middle aged men would not have the slightest clue about by the time I was about 14.

Just incase im missing out on something please elaborate........:rolleyes:

Dammo

1. Be confident, your views are as important as anyone else's.
2. Talk to girls as if they were human rather than some alien lifeform (that comes later;))
3. Have as wide a circle of friends as possible.
4. It's ok to make mistakes from time to time.

Delirium

I would have liked to have been told more about women beyond the basic biology of sex.

My dad gave me a book about sex which was pretty similiar to the section on reproduction in my secondary school science book.

After I gave the book back to him, he asked if I had any questions. I told him I did and that I'd ask the science teacher the next day:P

Things I wish he had talked to me about woudl be things like how to chat women up, that it's not the end of the world if you get knocked back etc.

Delirium

Herbal Deity wrote: »

Things I lacked which might have been helpful would have been being taught how to interact with others, particularly girls, a little better. Expose him to girls through extra curricular activities as early as possible. I was definitely delayed in my social development when it came to girls because I did too many male-only activities when I was around that age and younger.

Definitely this, speaking as someone who was in a mixed primary school and then single sex secondary school.

A lot of the awkwardness that I should have had with women in my teens, I had at late teens early twenties.

Handsome Bob

Generally, just don't smother your son, let him take risks, have new experiences that you might be weary of (not anything bad, just stuff like letting him stay out late with friends without worrying about getting a bollocking when he comes home) and make mistakes, it's the only way boys will learn. The worst thing that can happen is that you wrap him up in cotton wool.

cocoa

Some people in here seem to think they're experts on 12 year olds, or that everyone is identical or experience puberty in an identical way...

@ Thaedydal, I don't know you, and I don't know your child, but I can tell you what I might have appreciated and there might be some relevance which you can extract for your own situation.

I'd agree with the people saying explain what girls like / how to talk to girls / girls are people too. I was lucky enough to do second class in a mixed school, which helped later on, so +1 on the mixed activities where possible. When it comes down to it, I'd say everyone's different and as long as you're there as a support and as someone who can be asked any question (which it sounds like you already are), then there's not much that can go wrong*.

*well... perhaps more accurate to say there's not much more can be done. It seems embarrassment will happen no matter what...

Herbal Deity

fartmaster wrote: »

Just incase im missing out on something please elaborate........:rolleyes:

*shrug

I suppose I learned about and read a lot about different opinions and points of view regarding a wide variety of sexual practices, eastern sexual philosophies vs. western ones, methods of intensifying and prolonging orgasms, male vs. female sexual response, multiple orgasms, female ejaculation, the g-spot, male prostate stimulation etc.

It actually is all very related to me developing a keen interest in good science and becoming very skeptical of religious and spiritual viewpoints as well as anyone who's trying to sell you something, because of the sheer amount of crap that's written about sex on the internet and the fact that it is a shockingly under researched area. It was probably the first time that I came across a subject which such a large amount of conflicting information and utter bs written about it, and was prompted to look for evidence for why anything I read was true.

loltangent

omb0wyn5ehpij9

Like a lot of the posters in here already, I would think that there isn't much you need to tell your son. I think it's better for him to find out himself. But just make sure he knows that you will be there if he has any questions at all

Snowie

my dad espechilly my dad used to pull the duvays of me in the morning so id get up....

its not nice when you have a morning glory and trying to hide it quite embarissing so thats what i say to the parent's

i think most things said above are good.

Boston

Shave with the grain. Shave after showering not before. Buy baggy clothing.

Herbal Deity

Would have liked to have been taught how to shave, actually. My dad has always had a beard. I had to figure out on my own.

Also, I shave during showers :pac:

Cicero

OP...all of the above.....

love the references to shaving...if it's not too late, make a big deal of the shaving thing- get him a big presentation box of loads of shaving gear/blades, aftershave etc- make it a kind of celebration and show him how to shave properly...it could be a good fun event and your kid will thank you (years later of course!!!) for helping make a small element of the overall transition somewhat easier...

Boston

Mate of mine was never shown how to shave. So he saves with water and has the roughest facial skin imaginable. All this "be one with your sexuality" is great, but I don't think it was likely to be an issue in the OPs case. Practical things like shaving and hygiene issues relating to smegma, parents tend to assume you just know for some reason.

Herbal Deity

Smegma is another one! This sounds horrible, but I never used to regularly wash under my foreskin until I was about 14/15. It just never occurred to me, and it's not really something which is mentioned in male puberty resources for whatever reason...

Boston

Well Catholic doctrine discourages touching of the penis.

Daftendirekt

I wish I'd been told to take more risks.

Obviously, I'm not talking about stupid risks here, like abusing illegal drugs or drink. I'm talking about deliberately doing things that scare you, just to get you out of your comfort zone. This could be anything, from starting a conversation with a stranger to setting up your own business. People tend to focus on what they stand to lose rather than what they stand to gain and because of this, miss out on a hell of a lot of opportunities.

This is something that took me a long time figure out for myself, but I think if I was made aware of it when I was younger, I would have had a huge head start in life.

LD 50

SIZE DOESNT MATTER! I kid I kid. Actualy, kids can often feel self conscious about that subject. I did. Turns out I had nothing to be worried about. I dunno if that a subject to be broached by a parent though.

I'm going to plus 1 the advice about how to talk with women, how to behave around them like what's acceptable and what's not and to respect them. Get him in extra curricular activities, scouts or something. What activities are there these days for kids anyways? There wasn't much like that in my area, but it would have helped. Lots of moments I should have had in my early teens I had a lot later.
I reckon youVe still got a couple of years before you need to get him into shaving. And even though your the go to mum, it's really a father son thing.

Boston

LD 50 wrote: »

I'm going to plus 1 the advice about how to talk with women, how to behave around them like what's acceptable and what's not and to respect them. Get him in extra curricular activities, scouts or something. What activities are there these days for kids anyways? There wasn't much like that in my area, but it would have helped. Lots of moments I should have had in my early teens I had a lot later.
I reckon youVe still got a couple of years before you need to get him into shaving. And even though your the go to mum, it's really a father son thing.

To expand on this because there something women fail to understand about young teenage men. Young men are angry and frustrated most of the time. That was true of me, that was true of my class mates, that was true of all the lads I knew. Some times they don't want to talk about it with their mothers. Forcing conversations about feelings, and girls, and sex and sexuality isn't great option.

What is a good option is to provide young males with a positive outlet for negative energy. My own mother hated the idea of team sports, martial arts or independent activity where I might get hurt. But frankly releasing negative engry in a controlled way would have been a lot better then building it up to be release in school yard brawls.

Wibbs

Boston wrote: »

What is a good option is to provide young males with a positive outlet for negative energy. My own mother hated the idea of team sports, martial arts or independent activity where I might get hurt. But frankly releasing negative engry in a controlled way would have been a lot better then building it up to be release in school yard brawls.

Plus one on this one. If he's the sporty type of course. He may not be. He may not be the obviously angry type either. I knew quite a few who werent. I got the frustration out with fishing of all things. Forced me to be calm or no fish for dinner.

But I would defo agree, excess energy unfocused can often turn into anger or just general mayhem. Good oul testosterone eh

Boston

Don't think that just because a kid is smart, quiet and mannerly that he isn't getting up to all sorts of anti social behaviour.

LD 50

I used tai chi as a vent. While not a very physical martial art or team sport, I found it had a very relaxing and focusing effect

Herbal Deity

Boston wrote: »

Young men are angry and frustrated most of the time.

I don't know if I'd necessarily agree with that.

I went through a range of different emotions during my teenage years. Angst, extreme cynicism and confusion over who I was etc. would have been the main ones for me. I was occasionally angry, but it doesn't stick out in my mind as being a prominent feature of my teenage years. I don't recall many of my friends seeming particularly angry either.

Though I agree with the outlet for negative energy. Sport is a good one because it's also a physical activity, which I believe is very important to have. Music was also one for me.

Agent Smith

Thaedydal wrote: »

when you were starting to go through puberty?

I've now got 12 year old boy and the chemical changes are starting.
He knows what changes he will undergo but I am always wary about over loading him with info he doesn't need yet. Yes I am hoping his Dad will be part of this fun adventure for our son but I've always been the more go to parent
and his Dad had said puberty just happened and he ignored it as much as possible.

So what do you wish you were told a young lad or indeed wish you weren't told?

There really are some things i wouldnt have asked my mother when i was growing up. No offence, i dont know what type of relationship your son has with his father, but speaking from experiance, I doubt you'd be the first port of Call when it comes to some questions.


Saying that, More then likely his father wont be either these days.

Boston

Herbal Deity wrote: »

I don't know if I'd necessarily agree with that.

I went through a range of different emotions during my teenage years. Angst, extreme cynicism and confusion over who I was etc. would have been the main ones for me. I was occasionally angry, but it doesn't stick out in my mind as being a prominent feature of my teenage years. I don't recall many of my friends seeming particularly angry either.

Though I agree with the outlet for negative energy. Sport is a good one because it's also a physical activity, which I believe is very important to have. Music was also one for me.

Thats because you don't recognise it at the time. Angst is just another term for angry kid. You don't have to be getting in brawls left right and center, sulking in your room listing to the cure will do.

Cicero

Boston wrote: »

TYou don't have to be getting in brawls left right and center, sulking in your room listing to the cure will do.

...Oh no...if he starts listening to "The Cure", call an ambulance....:p

metrovelvet

I know you asked for the men's opinion but I found this and will give it to my son one day in a birthday card.

"If "by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

Nevyn

Cicero wrote: »

...Oh no...if he starts listening to "The Cure", call an ambulance....:p

That wouldn't be strange at all, it would just mean he's borrowing some of my cds as well as my discworld books.

P.C.

Thaedydal wrote: »

That wouldn't be strange at all, it would just mean he's borrowing some of my cds as well as my discworld books.

Makes mental note to reply to this thread tomorrow when more awake.

Makes mental note to 'steal' a few of Thaed's CD's even though I prefer The Clash

Mackman

homerun_homer wrote: »

I was given a book and told to read it. It was one of them stupid ones with life like drawings of naked people and the anatomy of it all. It was weird but it beats being told at the dinner table.

That would have been a freak out.

Me too, it wasnt really given to me though, it mysteriously appeared in between my books on my book shelf when i was about 10/11 and i came accross it one day. I remember reading it and saying to myself "you have to have sex to have a baby??? EEEWWW im not doing that!!" :pac:

I learned all the basics from that. But i would have appreciated more advice on girls though, how to talk to them, what they like, dont like. I only had 1 brother, and there wasnt any girls my age in my village, so my experience of talking to girls was very very limited, took me years to catch up to everyone

Wipperspammer

If I had my time over again I'd want to know a full A-Z of bodypart slang.... for guys and girls. If you arm kids with this then they are not "at sea" in schoolyard banter if something comes up that mystifies you. If kids notice you're lacking they play on it and before you know it you're a target. I'd condtition it with it not being a license to use your new found vocab but there's always the risk they will abuse it. Striking at the right age is key. I was about 10/11 when my Dad had a chat with me and even then it was probably about 2 years too late but still a help. Nowadays I'd hate to think the age kids are getting clued up at.... :mad:

Tefral

Only one for me would have been: Wait as long a possible to shave! and that episode of Homer teaching bart how to shave properly, while funny, i think is a good thing.

minidazzler

Thaed, I have to say, get him involved in activities that have girls, and alot of them.

I was never in any real activities like that until I was 16, it is only in the last 2 years that I have learned to speak with girls properly because I was never exposed to them on a very regular basis.

Keep an eye out for signs of depression, though I am sure you probably know that.

Ask him about things, even if he doesn't answer, just being asked would have been good.

Have his Dad teach him to shave, not you, I think it would be better at least.

Greyfox

Wish I was told that been too nice to women is the best form of contriception available rather then learing this years later

kenon

metrovelvet wrote: »

I know you asked for the men's opinion but I found this and will give it to my son one day in a birthday card.

"If "by Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

I was handed this poem by my mother as a child.

It wasn't in birthday card form though, it was a print out, with the URL down the bottom as well, and I was ordered to stick it up on my wall.

metrovelvet

kenon wrote: »

I was handed this poem by my mother as a child.

It wasn't in birthday card form though, it was a print out, with the URL down the bottom as well, and I was ordered to stick it up on my wall.

Yeah, I'm thinking I'll make him memorise it.