Not up for it...

LegacyUser

Ok, with the bf 3 years now, have always been majorly attracted to him, sex was great, wanted it all the time...etc.

Something has drastically changed now and it's me. I love him just as much as before, he's great. Everything is still the same, except the sex. I can't do it anymore, I just don't want to, well I want to enjoy it again. It is weird, I feel sort of repulsed when he touches me, I put it off as much as possible. When we do have sex I cringe and just want it to be over, I can't bear to touch him. As soon as he finishes I just go to the bathroom to clean up or whatever.

It started when he moved house, before he had a en-suite and bigger room. Now his room is small and shared bathroom with thin walls. At the beginning I thought that was why I was acting different, but he has lived in other houses with shared bathrooms and thin walls!!?

It's really getting me down and of course he has noticed, when he asks what is wrong, I say "nothing" because I don't know myself. It's been this way for a month now.

Any help appreciated

Gman1

Maybe try spice it up, role play etc.... Sounds like you have a low libido, you can get herbal medicine to help with that.

Taltos

This might be a bit odd - but I recommend you talk to him honestly about this.
The problem affects you both and you both have a role in making things better.

Of course maybe don't come right out and say you repulse me or anything like that - but dwell on how you are feeling and ask for his help to understand why and to help you both.

The big reason is right now - he knows something is wrong. He also knows you are not being 100% honest with him.... Nip that in the bud fast otherwise his imagination might go from 1 to 2 to 900 and before you know it he will be convinced that you really really don't like him...

Kimia

Happened to me before OP. I'm sorry to say it took me ages to realise this, but I just didn't fancy him anymore. And that was the death knell to the relationship. I was sickened by it, which was so unfair on him. It was like he had turned into a sibling and the lust / non-platonic love was gone, even though I still loved him if that makes sense.

Sometimes it just happens. I would bet 1000 euro that you would be up for it with someone else, sadly. Wish you luck.

MelanieC

Sex isn't just physical OP, there's a whole load of psychological and emotional aspects that we don't even consider most of the time. You'll know yourself if it's that you've gone off your partner physically like the last poster suggested but if it's not that it could be any number of psychological issues that you haven't even thought about.

Stress and upheaval have a huge effect on libido and you say he has moved recently. You are focussing on the physical aspects of the move (small room, thin walls) again rather than the psychological (did you want him to move? were you hoping he'd suggest living with you? do you feel like the relationship is not moving forwards? etc etc.) There are loads of things that you might not even have been aware of but that you should address now in order to get some answers to this. It could be some issue totally outside of your sex life but that's manifesting itself only in your sex life. (Typical!)

Just ask yourself questions - like how am i feeling about my relationship at the moment? Is there something that I'm angry/sad/worried/scared about? Have things changed between us emotionally and if so, what? Outside of the relationship, is there something that's troubling me - a problem at work, with money, family etc. And be honest with your answers, even if they're hard to admit. Maybe you'll get nothing but maybe you'll find the trigger to your apathy in the bedroom.
Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice.

I'm definitely not feeling insecure about myself in any way, body image etc. And he's always telling me I look nice or sexy or whatever, I don't find it off putting, except for when I know it's leading to him wanting sex..? At this stage I feel like I'm with-holding sex from him, but that's not my intention.


Kimia, I still feel attracted to him, I often think during the day how stupid I am and plan on going over and ripping his clothes off and we're very flirty outside the bedroom.


MelanieC, your post really made sense to me. I was very pissed off about his room, because of the reasons I mentioned, I suppose mainly because I feel like he didn't take me into consideration when he chose to have the s.hite room, but I don't feel I can complain about that to him. It's his choice and he's paying the rent not me. He said very early on when it first started happening that he didn't think I was comfortable staying there, but at this stage I feel I should suck it up and get over it, it's such a trivial thing to be hung up...

I am fairly stressed at the moment but honestly I can normally switch off when I want to.

I know I need to talk to him now, but I feel like a selfish pain in the arse.

Neyite

have you started on any medication recently - that can also be something that affects the libido.

shellyboo

Next time he asks what's wrong, don't say 'nothing'. Say 'I honestly don't know - but can we talk about it?'

It seems to be a psychological thing OP, and perhaps tied up in your resentment about the room. You're not being a selfish pain in the arse if you're just not comfortable, that's not something you can control. If he's picking up on these things, he sounds like a caring guy - let him know you're struggling and talk it out. You might be surprised at how much it helps.

MelanieC

souninterested wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice.

I'm definitely not feeling insecure about myself in any way, body image etc. And he's always telling me I look nice or sexy or whatever, I don't find it off putting, except for when I know it's leading to him wanting sex..? At this stage I feel like I'm with-holding sex from him, but that's not my intention.


Kimia, I still feel attracted to him, I often think during the day how stupid I am and plan on going over and ripping his clothes off and we're very flirty outside the bedroom.


MelanieC, your post really made sense to me. I was very pissed off about his room, because of the reasons I mentioned, I suppose mainly because I feel like he didn't take me into consideration when he chose to have the s.hite room, but I don't feel I can complain about that to him. It's his choice and he's paying the rent not me. He said very early on when it first started happening that he didn't think I was comfortable staying there, but at this stage I feel I should suck it up and get over it, it's such a trivial thing to be hung up...

I am fairly stressed at the moment but honestly I can normally switch off when I want to.

I know I need to talk to him now, but I feel like a selfish pain in the arse.

Whether you feel rationally that it's a trivial thing to be hung up on or not, the fact is your inner psyche is not so rational and has decided to kick up a stink over this room issue and it's manifesting itself in your libido!

Ok so he is the one living there and he is the one paying the rent but you are the one sleeping with him, not the crappy furnishings! So you do have the right to suggest gently that it's not the most romantic of atmospheres.

Plus you say what really pissed you off is that he didn't think of you when moving into this place. That's the real issue here I think. The room is merely the catalyst, what you really have a problem with is his lack of consideration for you. You feel like you didn't even cross his mind when it came to making such a major decision and now you feel like a sidekick in your own relationship, like what you want or need or feel doesn't really matter to him. Am I right?

If so it's perfectly understandable that your relationship has changed, how can things stay the same if one person feels taken for granted and ignored? You need to say all this to him OP, tell him you need more input from him, more consideration and discussion and shared decisions. When you have this then you will have an equal happy relationship. Then I have no doubt the equality and happiness will spill over into the bedroom too and you really will have the perfect relationship again!

Communication is the absolute key to solving your problem I think, both from you re these issues and from him in the future, considering you as well as himself in such matters. Good Luck!!