Where does my Dad live, Mum?

LegacyUser

REaly dont want this to be a 'single parent' post - but mods feel free to move it to parenting if appropriate.
I've a 12yr old son who I've raised alone from the get-go. His dad took very little interest in him, we split when I was pregnant, he saw him sporadically until he was about 3months and then decided he didn't want to see him again.
Wont go into details of how I coped alone, but suffice to say, I've raised a wonderful 12yr old boy. He truly is amazing and makes me smile everyday.
I've been as honest and open as I could have been with him as he'd gotten older. I often bring up the subject of his dad, and ask if there's anything he'd like to know. Sometimes, he wants to know everything, other times, its 'no thanks mam'. So I have always taken his lead in this.
I knew as he got older this day would come though.
He asked recently where his dad lived. His dad lives within walking distance of our house. His dad has often passed us by although my son has never been aware of this as I'm great at ducking and diving.
I am terrified to tell him where he lives though. He could literally walk to his house and knock on his door if I tell him.
So far, I've said I'm sure but I could find out if he'd like me to. He says he just wants to know 'for no reason really'....
What should I do?????
I thought when this day came, I'd be cool calm and collected and I'd support him should he decide to approach him. But my son passes by his dads house on his way home from school..although I've wanted to move house for as long as I can remember because of this, financially it wasn't something I could do, and obvisoulsy still can't.
Advice please?

ash23

Personally, I would contact the dad and tell him that your son is older, is curious and would like to meet him.
Get his response.

If he would like to see him or try to salvage some sort of relationship, then tell your son.
If he wouldn't and is adamant he wants nothing to do with him, then it's up to you really.

Me, I'd be honest and tell the child who his dad is but also explain you've spoken to him and he still doesn't want to be involved. I believe that honesty is always the best policy and that the child deserves to know this man is his dad.

Jumpy

If you try and hide anything you will be the bad guy, regardless of your intentions. Let your son know everything, and if the father does not want to be involved then your son will understand that he is the problem, not you.
As ash23 says, honesty is the best policy.

LegacyUser

Sorry I should probably have mentioned that I have contacted his dad over the years. He does not want to be involved and quote 'never will'.
So I can only imagine what he'll say if my son knocks on the door.

Do I tell him the house though - and give him that 'my dad lives in that house' feeling every day for the rest of his life??????

I wish I had moved years ago.

I agree that honesty is the best policy which is why I have always been honest with him, but age appropriate. I'm not quite sure he's ready to know this information just yet...

Can you imagine him walking home with his mates and passing by the house...I'm just lost.

ash23

johnsmum wrote: »

Sorry I should probably have mentioned that I have contacted his dad over the years. He does not want to be involved and quote 'never will'.
So I can only imagine what he'll say if my son knocks on the door.

Do I tell him the house though - and give him that 'my dad lives in that house' feeling every day for the rest of his life??????

I wish I had moved years ago.

I agree that honesty is the best policy which is why I have always been honest with him, but age appropriate. I'm not quite sure he's ready to know this information just yet...

Can you imagine him walking home with his mates and passing by the house...I'm just lost.

He's your child and you know him best. Some kids would be able to handle it at 12 and some won't.
What do you think your son would do if you told him?
Would you consider seeking counselling for him in a build up to telling him?

LegacyUser

I don't think he would actually knock at the door if I'm honest.

But I just hate the thought of him knowing that he has been passing by his dads house for years. And will continue to do so...I'd rather not let that thought be in his head...at the moment, I'm at home when he arrives in at 2.45. But hes starting secondary school in sept and will be passing by on his lunchbreak and I wont be there when he arrives home...
He's 12, but a young 12. there are boys in his class who are miles ahead of him (he started school at just 4, so there are boys in his class almost 18mths older than him) - he's still quite immature, so while he could technically handle the situation, I would still rather not tell him....

But would that be the right thing for me to do?

ash23

johnsmum wrote: »

I don't think he would actually knock at the door if I'm honest.

But I just hate the thought of him knowing that he has been passing by his dads house for years. And will continue to do so...I'd rather not let that thought be in his head...at the moment, I'm at home when he arrives in at 2.45. But hes starting secondary school in sept and will be passing by on his lunchbreak and I wont be there when he arrives home...
He's 12, but a young 12. there are boys in his class who are miles ahead of him (he started school at just 4, so there are boys in his class almost 18mths older than him) - he's still quite immature, so while he could technically handle the situation, I would still rather not tell him....

But would that be the right thing for me to do?

See, you're in a catch 22. Because you don't want to hurt him. And it will be hard for him to know that his dad lives in house x and doesn't want to know him.
But on the other hand how will he feel if you wait another few years, telling him you don't know and then admit you do? He'll be angry I'd say and I'd imagine he'll feel betrayed by you aswell. Although he will understand why you didn't tell him, but he will still feel you were keeping secrets. Does this guy have other kids? He might feel you've kept him from getting to know them.

If I were in your shoes I would go to a counseller, tell them the situation, send your son there for a bit and then once the counseller has gotten to know him, take the counsellers advice on how best to handle it.
That way when you tell him, the counseller can help you deal with the aftermath.

LegacyUser

I'm not a fan of counsellors for kids in this situation I'm afriad.

He's a pretty well adjusted kid. When he was younger, an organisation got involved in the school and it was suggested to me that I involve him (it was for kids with absent/deceased parents - you know the one).
Anyway, I didn't feel he needed counselling at the time - I always say he's never known his dad - his life hasn't changed, he hasn't felt loss at any point. He has always had love in his life and was never a kid who felt let down by a parent who didn't turn up for a visit on a saturday for example. So he never felt rejection of that sort. But I was also aware that he didn't have a 'father figure' in his life and that on some level, this would affect him (or was affecting him and he wasn't telling me).

So he went for a few weeks -I noticed him change over those weeks - he began to cry alot and was very emotional about alot of things. Eventually the counsellor encouraged him to write to his dad and tell him how he felt. She said that if his dad got a letter, there was a possibility he might reply. So he wrote the letter. And his dad never replied.

We spent weeks waiting on the postman. I will never forget it. It was the worst part of his life to date as far as I'm concerned.
I should have trusted my gut reaction at the time and not involved him. It was like they opened a whole can of worms when he wasn't ready to deal with them.

At the moment, again, he is doing really well in school, has a great circle of friends and is a very happy child. I know he's curious about his dad but I would rather not send him to counselling about this. Counselling, I believe, is for WHEN you have a problem and he doesn't have a problem with this situation - just yet. We talk about it alot and to him, its more a curiosity.

newmember2

Have you told the boy's father that his son is asking where he lives (and that you're more or less obliged to tell him), and get the father's reaction?

I'd imagine it would be very strange and perhaps even painful, for your son to pass by this house on his way home from school some day and bump into or see his father. Alternatively, them bumping in to each other could be the start.

I'd tell his father that I'm telling his son where he lives, and take it from there. It might give you a better idea with how to proceed.

ash23

I don't know. My daughter was fretting over her dad who she has also never met. It was all brought to a head when I split with my long term partner. She went through a rouugh patch and then seemed fine but when she went to the same group it did resurface it all but there was a marked improvement in her self confidence afterwards.
She also went to a private counseller for a while who helped me make decisions about the best way to handle things with my ex.

On the point that he hasn't had a loss per se, well no, not in the sense of a death or separation. but he is still feeling a loss. He wouldn't be asking if he didn't feel something.

changes

My guess is that his father will have known this day was going to come.
Especially if he knows you and your son are nearby.

Your son is 12 now, he is not going to stop asking when he is 13, or 14 or 16 etc.

You prob also have a good idea if his father is a heartless waster who would tell your son to clear if he called to the door or if he is a decent sort who might end up building a relationship of sorts if he started passing his house regularly.

Good luck with it whatever way you decide.

RedXIV

Personally, I'm with you OP, I think as long as it's "mere curiosity" then I'd prolong it as much as possible. If he were to get more determined to get the details then he'd be old enough to deal with it. If he has that kind of drive, he's obviously reached a level of maturity that will help him deal with the news. As you said, he's happy, he asks every now and again, and he's not too pushed on pursuing it.

100% agree with the not putting him in for conselling. If he's happy, he doesn't need it.

As pointed out above, you know your son better than anyone, you can call this better than anyone. You can be honest while dragging it out so thats the route i'd take

meganj

I was in a similar, although not nearly as difficult, situation when I was growing up.

My Dad left my mum before I was born, I always knew where he lived (a couple of counties down from me), she always used to tell me that he loved me very much but because he couldn't be in my life all the time (he had another family) that he couldn't be in it some of the time, which is kind of a nice way of saying "he doesn't want to contact you". When i was younger I used to ask about him all the time and accepted the facts my mother gave me as enough.

Then when I was 13 he got back in contact and my life has been a constant series of ups and downs since. You said your son has never felt a loss, and maybe he hasn't but I think every child, for me anyway, feels a loss with an absent parent, you spend your life wondering what they're like, do they think about you, do they miss you, will you ever see them again? And that can feel like a loss.

I have no idea what you should do if you tell your son and the father doesn't respond well then your opening your son up to all sorts of hurt and rejection, but if you don't tell him and he finds out then he will hold it against you.

I think that you should try counseling again, while your his mother and i'm sure he loves you very much, it can be hard to talk to people involved in the situation about your own feelings. If you don't want to send your son for counselling then maybe it would help you to talk to someone who could help you cope with the decision making the the potential fall out.

JuliusCaesar

OneFamily has a lot of information on this. Ring them up. They have a LOT of experience in this area.

Nevyn

johnsmum do you 100% know for certain that the father of the child is still living there?
I would say to you son well he used to here 'there' but I don't know if he still does.

It's a questioning all children go through when the other parent is not around when they reach the age when they are trying to figure out who they are. As much as you wish to spare your son from any hurt you can't and I would be concerned about keeping things from him, that being said give him the information as he asks for it and what he asked for no more.

By the way any feedback you wish to give to the parenting mods is always gladly received.

LegacyUser

Yes, he's still living there (unfortunately!). As I mentioned, he has often passed us by in the local shop...often. Thankfully because my son never knew him, he wasn't and isn't aware that his dad is such a horrible man. I've always been positive about him - well as positive as any parent can be about a man who has ignored his son for 12yrs. But I've never said a bad word about him - just always told my son that his dad didn't want a child when I was pregnant - that it was never about HIM (my son) - his dad didn't know him when he was in my belly - he just didn't want any child.
We have photos of him that my son looks at here and there - but he's changed alot in the past 12yrs and you wouldn't recognise him from the photos.
I dunno - still at a loss as to what to do....
Like I said though, he's a very happy child but I'm under no illusion that the hormones won't kick in any day now and that may all change!

Nevyn

Well you knew this day would come and it sounds like you have managed to raise a happy kid, but you can't spare him that sort of hurt and rejection. Unfortunatly you will be the one who has to try answer the questions and hug him when he is upset and put up with his moods when he is frustrated and angry and hurt, but can't be avioded and in trying to do so you may damage your realtionship with your son.

One of my cousins father did the same, didn't want to know had nothing to do with her from when my aunt found out she was pregnant and he lived on the same road as my aunt. They were childhood friends and my aunts best friend was his sister. My cousin grew up knowing that her Dad lived down the road and so did the other granny but they didn't want to see her and that the people who were in her life loved her.

I think all you can do is be honest with your son and support him.

LegacyUser

Yes, and that's what I'll do.

I think I'll pray he doesnt ask for another little while - and when he does I'll just say I'm still not sure but I'll try to find out...I'll use that line for another little while until he's old enough to deal with this situation I think...thanks

The Corinthian

In cases of adoption, the child will often contact the biological mother by letter and receive a reply in kind, be it a rejection or the start of something else. I do think that a letter may be the way to go, and I do think that even if his biological father does not want to have anything to do with him he should at least reply in writing to say so.

LegacyUser

My son wasnt and isnt adopted. Its not comparable.


And I have a solicitors letter from him 3yrs ago stating he never wants to be involved.

Cant get clearer than that. And will never show it to my son.

JuliusCaesar

Does he know any other kids whose fathers aren't involved?
Seriously, onefamily/used to be Cherish has a lot of information/workshops on how to deal with this kind of question. It is inevitable that it comes up - kids will always want to know about their father. It's crucial how you deal with it.

LegacyUser

He has alot of pals who's dads don't live at home. Some of them see their dads very regularly, some not so often. But all of them know their dads and can at least put a face to a name.
His only pal who has no dad is his life is the one who's dad died a few years back...
I might give one family a call so, thanks

MicraBoy

Can you not just tell him that he lives in the area without being specific? Or will that just open yourself to more questions? I suspect it will evnetually be a case that you have to actually tell him more, but may be a little pieces of info will keep him happy at that age.

The Corinthian

Unregistered wrote: »

My son wasnt and isnt adopted. Its not comparable.

It is comparable as in both cases it involves a parent that has rejected the child and does not want to raise it. Attempting to force a face-to-face will likely end up messy (just as turning up on the doorstep of a mother that had put one up for adoption is more likely to get you a slammed door), a letter is more likely to get a response.

And I have a solicitors letter from him 3yrs ago stating he never wants to be involved.

TBH, if that is the case, your son needs to hear that directly from his biological father. Without that, he will never get closure.

Victor

johnsmum wrote: »

So he went for a few weeks -I noticed him change over those weeks - he began to cry alot and was very emotional about alot of things.

Crying and being emotional is perfectly normal for lots of situations. It isn't the "bad" thing it is perceived to be.

spinandscribble

Victor wrote: »

Crying and being emotional is perfectly normal for lots of situations. It isn't the "bad" thing it is perceived to be.

Exactly.

Things have to get better before they get worse. Thats how counseling works. The ops son can only bottle this stuff up for so long. I'd be of the opinion its better to deal with it now before the dramatic teen years. Let him send the letter, let him get the closure from his dad. He'll become upset over that if it happens now or it happens years from now. But if he goes through this now while he's asking questions he'll hopefully pick up some coping skills before his hormones are all over the place.

metrovelvet

This is controversial advice, risky and I'm wary of it myself, but hey, no guts no glory. I would be straight up with your boy and tell him where he lives.

Let it sink in. And then maybe your boy could write a letter himself and drop it through the letterbox.

But he must be prepared for no reply so his hopes dont get deflated and know that sometimes adults cant cope and are scared and forget how to be brave.

LegacyUser

I mentioned already that he wrote a letter.
His dad didnt reply.

And with respect, it's not comparable to adoption. I've read previous posts where you try to compare a child who has been abandoned by an (absent) father - and it always turns into a 'single mother/fathers have rights too', thread.
I'd rather this particular thread didn't become that.
I didnt mean to say that his crying or being upset was wrong, so apologies if I came across that way. I am the first to encourage him to talk about his dad, his feelings - im the first to hug him if the tears start. I constantly tell him that tears arent wrong or bad - they are a way of letting your emotions out.

I've decided to tell him he lives locally but I'm not exactly sure where.
I'll tell him when he's a bit older, and explain that I didnt think he was ready to know where the house was exactly. To date, as he's gotten older, I've explained why my answers to his questions have changed. For example, I told him recently that when he was four, I used to say 'Your daddy isnt ready to be a dad at the moment', because a four year old can understand that. So he 'gets' that Ive been honest with him the whole way through - we have a great relationship so far, and my hope is that this relationship will continue.
As someone else said, I know my son. I know what he's capable of handling at the moment. He's still quite young and his peers who are similar ages, are so much more mature than him.

So for now, I'll tell him he lives local and thats as much as I know....Thanks again for input, it has genuinely helped me figure this out.