Dress Codes at weddings

a27

Hi,

I am writing a feature on dress codes at weddings for Confetti magazine; what they actually mean and what people's feelings are towards them.

As a guest do you think it is rude or helpful to implement a dress code?
Do you understand what the various dress codes actually mean?
Are you a bride who is totally against or totally in agreement with dress codes and if so, why?

All opinions and examples of past experieces would be extremely appreciated along with any funny or memorable stories, so if you have anything you feel would help, please email research1@dyflin.ie or reply to this post.

Thanks a mil,

Aoibhinn

BC

Hi,

I hate the idea of dress codes (e.g black tie wedding). I think it makes people uncomfortable. Having said that I wouldn't be impressed if someone turned up in jeans and runners! A wedding is a formal occasion and people should dress appropriately!

a27

Thanks a mil for replying. Are you married yourself or have you been to many weddings? Hope you don't mind me asking!

OS119

i think any sensible B&G will come to a compromise - while its their trainset and they can do it however the hell they like, if its too fussy/inconvenient/expensive people just won't bother going.

my wife and i probably wouldn't bother going to a black tie/cocktail dress wedding - its expensive, not overly comfortable and we get to eat mediocre food while making conversation with people we either don't know or don't like.

there are better ways of spending a saturday and several hundred ££££...

OTOH, having had my sister-in-laws boyfriend (about 18 at the time) turn up to my wedding in clothes that might once have been trousers and shirt, but which hadn't see an iron - or a washing machine - in a week, i can fully jump on the 'could you not be fcuking arsed to have a shower, a shave and put some clean clothes on?' bandwagon - i really felt offended that someone would turn-up to what they knew was an important occasion, where they knew that real effort had been put into it looking a certain way (but in no way an OTT bridezilla-type thing), looking like he'd done a 48hr shift as a barman in a hedge.

he, apparrently, wanted to express his identity as a 'non-suit' wearing lad. he actually expressed his identity as a c0ck.

BC

a27 wrote: »

Thanks a mil for replying. Are you married yourself or have you been to many weddings? Hope you don't mind me asking!

Engaged!
Have been to about 10 weddings over the last 3/4 years.

Following from what OS119 said, i do know 1 guy who will turn up to the wedding in slacks and a shirt with no tie, he's done it before. I don't like it but it is more dressed up than he usually is so i suppose he is making an effort!

barbiegirl

We had our wedding abroad and felt that people were curious as to what to wear, due to the heat, so we specified dressy casual, as in a nice trousers and open necked shirt was fine, but shorts weren't. It worked well, the girls all went for little dresses and the boys some in suits, others in trousers and shirts, some in ties, and some not. But we are very relaxed. The only other stipulation we gave was that the bridesmaids were wearing aqua/turquise greeny/blue colour. We didn't say don't wear this colour, just let them know that if they did they were in danger of being the same as the bridesmaids.
At other weddings I've never had a dress code specified, but would have no real issue with say black tie, but a specific colour can cause issues. Ultimately it's the couples choice and if you like them enough to be at the wedding you should do as they request. I would have an issue with the don't buy from this shop or the other, but I think that could be an urban legend.

OS119

i went to a 'harvest' themed wedding once - it had a brown/gold/dark red type colour scheme and people were asked if they could try and fit in - i reckon maybe 70% or so did.

i wore a brown suit because i own, and like, brown suits. had i not owned one that fitted with the colours they wanted, i would not have bought one - whether i went in my normal blue/grey/black suits or just not bothered going would depend on the vibes coming from the B&G. if they had been a bit 'excited' about such a thing i probably wouldn't have bothered going...

dollybird2

I find unless a particular dress code is specified people generally follow the Monsoon/Coast/Debenhams dress route for ladies (as in party/semi formal attire) while the men wear suit pants & jacket, shirt and tie. I have attended a large number of weddings over the past two years and have seen a large shift away from cocktail dresses to maxi dresses for ladies, myself included, whereas bridesmaids now tend to shy away from full length dresses to cocktail/tea length ones.

I have received two invitations in the past year specifying that there wasn't any Coast to be worn - as the bm's were wearing Coast dresses. Not impressed with that form to be honest!

a27

Thanks a mil for the comments. Just as a matter of interest, why did you feel slightly put out when you were told not to wear coast? If you turned up at the wedding wearing the same dress as the bridesmaid would you not have felt embarrassed or annoyed? Were you planning on wearing a dress from coast and then had to go out an buy a new dress when you got the invitation? Im not passing judgement or being too nosey I hope, just trying to play devils advocate and get a more detailed opinion for the feature!

suzieled

I have never seen anything like that on an invite before "Do not wear Coast"
I have a few nice dresses that I would change around for different weddings and if one of them was a Coast dress then unfortunate for the wedding party, thats just what I have to wear. I also as a wedding guest would have no problem turning up at a wedding wearing the same dress as someone else.

Thumpette

As a btb I would quite like to give a theme or dress code as I think t gives a lovely sence of occassion and looks great in the pics- however as someone who would be a bit narked at any additional affort being required like this myself I wont be going down that road.

i think it depends on the occassion as well. A friend of mine is getting married on New years eve in a very fancy location and I reckon for them people definately wouldnt mind going down the black tie route- I think it would really suit surroundings.

BC

I'd be annoyed with the coast thing as well! Lots of people have coast dresses that they'd like to wear. If you don't want people to wear the BM dress then show people the dress in advance, word gets around!

Eoin

I own a tux, so black tie wouldn't bother me too much - but I'd be much more comfortable in a suit or decent trousers and a jacket. I've never had an invite where there's been some sort of theme, so I have no clue what's involved with that.

BC wrote:

i do know 1 guy who will turn up to the wedding in slacks and a shirt with no tie, he's done it before. I don't like it but it is more dressed up than he usually is so i suppose he is making an effort!

I don't see anything wrong with that. I try to avoid wearing a tie at business meetings, let alone social events.

snuggles09

I think stating a dress code is bad manners (thats just my opinion and is up there in my pet hates with the poems asking for money)

I once got an invite and inside it said "no Jane Norman dresses please ladies"..i wore a yellow one:D

dollybird2

a27 wrote: »

Thanks a mil for the comments. Just as a matter of interest, why did you feel slightly put out when you were told not to wear coast? If you turned up at the wedding wearing the same dress as the bridesmaid would you not have felt embarrassed or annoyed? Were you planning on wearing a dress from coast and then had to go out an buy a new dress when you got the invitation? Im not passing judgement or being too nosey I hope, just trying to play devils advocate and get a more detailed opinion for the feature!

I hadn't specifically planned to wear Coast but I thought it quite rude to stipulate that guests shouldn't wear outfits from Coast thereby ruling out an entire store as such. Weddings are so expensive with accommodation, drinks, make up, hair, money in card, taking time off work etc - maybe not all at once for one wedding but there's generally a couple of these expenditures involved that to tell guests what not to wear when it may mean they have to go out and purchase a new outfit from a different store.

I always look to the invitation for the colour of the bridal party and avoid going with that particular colour. If the bride & groom don't want people in the same colours as the bridal party then they should indicate the colour scheme in this manner or spread the word that the dresses were bought in Coast and are whatever colour by mouth. If somebody turns up in the same dress as the bm then that is their own fault. I would hate to turn up in the same dress as a bridesmaid myself which is why I look for these indicators and I have spread the word of my colour scheme and where the dresses were purchased.

On the other hand if a bride decides to dress her bm's with high street store's dresses than she should be aware of the probability of a guest wearing the same. That decision is her own perogative. But ruling out a store because of it is unacceptable in my opinion.

As a note I didn't buy a new dress, I wore a maxi dress I had from Coast and genuinely didn't give a damn if it was the same, I couldn't afford a new dress.

snuggles09

I think the case of the bridezilla strikes in a lot of cases, with the "give us money please" , "no Coast or Jane Norman dresses please" and the "no smoking around the photographer please"

All are completly reasonable requests but it beggars belief that brides don't credit people with any general "cop on" in these matters and feel the need to put them in writing on invitations and insult peoples intelligence. If you're attending a wedding, the majority know not to turn up in a pair of jeans and a sweat shirt and as for the ladies dresses, if they do turn up in something similar to a bridesmaid, just don't put them in the photo. If they don't know what the bridesmaids are wearing, chances are they aren't close family or close friends anyway so it should be a non issue

whatdoicare

I thought the whole point of colour coordinated invites was to let the guests know the colours of the outfits ie: Red invites equals don't wear a red shirt or dress but also try not to buy a green dress or shirt as that would totally clash.

Generally though, it's dress/pant suit for girls and suit, shirt and tie for the gents.

Listing shops that you either have to buy from or can't buy from etc is wrong though.

talla10

I was at a black tie wedding recently and it was my first black tie wedding. Apart from the expense of the occasion most guests were uncomfortable and didnt enjoy the wedding too much. The photo's looked dreadful it looked like a debs ball mixed with an old folks retirement bash!!i would not recommend it i think the more comfortable people are the better the wedding would be

whatdoicare

snuggles09 wrote: »

I think the case of the bridezilla strikes in a lot of cases, with the "give us money please" , "no Coast or Jane Norman dresses please" and the "no smoking around the photographer please"

All are completly reasonable requests but it beggars belief that brides don't credit people with any general "cop on" in these matters and feel the need to put them in writing on invitations and insult peoples intelligence. If you're attending a wedding, the majority know not to turn up in a pair of jeans and a sweat shirt

You'd be surprised though at the general lack of cop on from alot of people- like rsvps for example- you'd think that would be an easy thing to understand, if I don't get one by date stated, then I assume yr not coming and replace you with whoever is on the subs bench. The amount of people (not just relatives) who turned to me and said "ah, sure, you know I'm coming" beggars belief- I'm supposed to remember that one person out of 150?? So far (and I sent the invites a good two months ago and deadline in next week) I have received a grand total of 15 rsvps....... out of 85! :eek: (ps, I stamped everyone of them, so it was free for them to send it,plus I gave an email and mobile number to use instead)


So, I wouldn't be very surprised if people hadn't the general cop-on to not wear casual clothes or the same colours as the bridemaids.

hunnymonster

I don't understand why someone would think it is bad manners to indicate a dress code on an invitation. It lets people know the formality/casualness of the event. I didn't put anything on ours because I wanted people to come in whatever they are comfy in and I've had loads of people on to us to clarify.

OS119

i don't think its rude to put the dresscode on the invitation, i think its rude to have a dresscode thats outwith the 'normal' parameters of what people will probably have in their wardrobe.

most men in Western Europe will have a suit, and a suit is the default menswear for a wedding - i would expect men to wear a suit to a wedding without needing to be told that that's what they should wear. if the B&G say casual, or even jeans a T-shirt, thats fine, it won't put anyone out - and it'd probably be a damn sight more comfortable! if on the other hand the B&G say 'white suits', or 'black tie' then, assuming they aren't just inviting members of boy bands, they are deliberately making a choice that they know that most people won't have in their wardrobe and will have to fork out for - and that, imv - is rude.

its their trainset, they can specify whatever dresscode they like, just don't expect that everyone you invite will turn up, or that everyone who does turn up will do so in 'uniform' or that everyone who has gone to the expence of turning up in 'uniform' will give you an expensive present.

snuggles09

hunnymonster wrote: »

I don't understand why someone would think it is bad manners to indicate a dress code on an invitation. It lets people know the formality/casualness of the event. I didn't put anything on ours because I wanted people to come in whatever they are comfy in and I've had loads of people on to us to clarify.

to say dresscode is formal or casual is ok

to tell someone that they can't purchase a dress in a certain shop is out of order i think..what right has anyone to tell someone else where they can buy their clothes?

hunnymonster

snuggles09 wrote: »

to say dresscode is formal or casual is ok

to tell someone that they can't purchase a dress in a certain shop is out of order i think..what right has anyone to tell someone else where they can buy their clothes?

very true.

galah

OS119 wrote: »

i don't think its rude to put the dresscode on the invitation, i think its rude to have a dresscode thats outwith the 'normal' parameters of what people will probably have in their wardrobe.

most men in Western Europe will have a suit, and a suit is the default menswear for a wedding - i would expect men to wear a suit to a wedding without needing to be told that that's what they should wear. if the B&G say casual, or even jeans a T-shirt, thats fine, it won't put anyone out - and it'd probably be a damn sight more comfortable! if on the other hand the B&G say 'white suits', or 'black tie' then, assuming they aren't just inviting members of boy bands, they are deliberately making a choice that they know that most people won't have in their wardrobe and will have to fork out for - and that, imv - is rude.

its their trainset, they can specify whatever dresscode they like, just don't expect that everyone you invite will turn up, or that everyone who does turn up will do so in 'uniform' or that everyone who has gone to the expence of turning up in 'uniform' will give you an expensive present.

hm, you have not been to many German weddings, have you? ;-)
Our wedding was rather formal, castle, big dress, the works, so I wanted a bit of glamour - and I knew that all the Irish (wether I told them a dress code or not) would show up in formal dress - you guys just have a sense of occasion that is to be admired (this is a compliment and not sarcasm!).

Not so my German family. Weddings are usually not that formal in Germany anyway, so when they asked what they should wear, I told them 'suits for the gents, and nice dresses for the ladies' (knowing full well that my cousin would otherwise show up in jeans and a leather vest, or worse.).

My mom took it one step further, and told everyone on the German side that it's tradition for Irish weddings to wear all green - thankfully, they all copped on though ;-)

However, one massive issue I had was (and yes, I recognise it as bridal hormones and a touch of bridezilla now) that my other cousin and her kids chose a CAMPSITE as their location to get ready for the party (don't ask, hotels are really not that expensive, but they wanted adventure). So I was mortified that my whole family would smell of 'tent' (you know, the damp earthy yet plasticky tent smell) and drag grassy bits everywhere. Thankfully, it was all grand. But boy was I worried for a while ;-)

Anyhoo, at the end of the day, I wouldnt have cared what people wore (bar the leather look) - these things are not important in the grand scheme of things ;-)

iguana

OS119 wrote: »

i don't think its rude to put the dresscode on the invitation, i think its rude to have a dresscode thats outwith the 'normal' parameters of what people will probably have in their wardrobe.

What if someone is having a completely different wedding and asks guests to dress in fancy dress?

OS119

iguana wrote: »

What if someone is having a completely different wedding and asks guests to dress in fancy dress?

it would depend on how much effort and expence they 'encouranged' their guests to go to....

dress as a cowboy - jeans, checkshirt, cheap straw hat and a neckerchief thing: £20 and a bit of a giggle.

medieval royal court with historically accurate 15 layer dresses for the laydeez and fur coats and jeweled cod-pieces for the gents: several hundred £, a pain in the arse and a 'i'm sorry we won't be attending as we've got to wash the car...'.

manners are pretty easy to have, and just as easy to discern in others...

Saint_Mel

Different strokes for different folks ... I know a fella who was invited to a wedding with a Black Tie tux dress code and he thought it was great cos him and all his mates could dress up "cool" like James Bond

Wouldnt be my cup of tea, personally if I got an invite telling me how to dress I probably wouldnt bother going. All a bit too pretentious for my liking. Dresscode is formal or casual is Ok as its more informative than anything else, but telling guests they must be in tux, or for the women not to wear dresses from x or y .... please ... get over yerselves.