Ex's pictures on girlfriends iPod

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm a regular poster on boards but I am going to go unregged for this one. Bear with me on this as I am feeling pretty down at the moment.

I am going out with my girlfriend one and a half years, and I love her to pieces. We are both in our early to mid twenties and are having the time of our lives with each other. Nobody makes me feel so good, and when things are going bad nobody could possibly make me feel so down. We don't have arguements, we just feel down at times and once one is down the other feels down too. We have spoken about the future on many occasions. We plan on travelling a bit and then moving in together in September. We also have plans on getting engaged at some stage in the next year. This is exciting both of us so much that we could do it today... However Monday evening seems to have ripped my insides out.

To get to the point, my girlfriend gave me her iPod to put songs on it, as she likes most of the stuff that I have on my iPod and I have alot of music on iTunes. I was selecting all of the stuff that she likes and filled up the music side of her iPod. I was then prompted during the uploads "do you want to erase and sync the Photo's on your iPod as the photos were uploaded using a different iTunes account" or something along those lines. I rang my girlfriend to see if she wanted them erased but it rang out. As I was a little short on time I checked to see if there was anything worth keeping, like family photos etc. There was one folder in it dated 17-01-09, and then boom there was a picture of her and her ex on a weekend away somewhere down the country. The she had a smile as big as any I've seen in her photos with me. I instantly felt a sick sensation throughout my body, and have felt this sensation since. The photo's were taken in September 2008, according to the iPod (it says it on the bar at the top of the picture).

We had met in August 2008, dated throughout September and started going out in October. In July when I met her she said that she didn't have a boyfriend and that she had just broken up in what was a very abusive relationship. I seen this first hand when when he came over to her on a night out in a local nite club when I was with her. I didn't hear what they said to each other but he walked away punching and kicking a wall (this was in September 2008), he came up to us another two times since then. He had sent her abusive messages and his friends made her life like hell for a year into our relationship, his last text to her was on our year together as a couple. She had always said how happy she was to be with me, and how she thought she was in love before but she realised that it she was immature and what she had wasn't even close to what we have.

Anyhow back to last Monday, I got a call back from her after all of this when I had finished up with the iPod. I didn't delete the pictures because she had some there with her family too. I asked her if she wanted to come over to mine to see if she wanted to help me pick other songs she wanted on the iPod. When she came over she said that she wanted all pictures wiped off it. In her words "there is nothing but crap on it". When she turned on the iPod it opened on the pictures menu, she didn't say anything for a minute but anything she said had a hint of nervousness about it. We continued to select the songs and then she said again that she wanted all pictures off it and to put a few of ours on it. We did so and we had a great night afterwards.

As soon as I left her home and drove back to my house I started feeling anxiety, insecurity and confusion over it all again. I have basically felt sick between yesterday morning and today. I have been unable to eat anything substansial and I have been feeling numb. I met up with her last night, and I started talking about negative things that have happened in the past. It put a real downer on the night, and we left each other in a horrible mood. This really is bringing me down and I have to do something about it before it really does ruin our relationship.

I my feelings are all over the place and I really don't know what to do. Was I wrong to look at these photos? Did she cheat on her ex with me? Did she still have feelings for him four months after she met me? Has she been lying about the start of our relationship? Is he the love of her life? Should I tell her about what I've seen on her iPod? Am I completely blowing this out of proportion given the fact that she was away with her ex (and happy in her photos) while I was only just dating her? Or should I be angry that she put them on her iPod four months after we became a couple?

Please bear in mind that this girl is the love of my life and I know that she loves me right now. We meet up at least five or six nights a week after work. She calls me a two or three times every day, and she tells me she loves me at least ten times a day.

I just really need advice on this right now.

Many thanks in advance...

H.

gavney1

OP,

First off, it sounds like you and the Ex are two completely different people

I don't think you have said anything in your post to lead me to believe that your gf has cheated on you. She sounds like she really loves you. And the ex-bf was a big mistake. Just cause she's smiling in the pic doesn't mean much - pictures capture only a moment in time. And people rarely take pictures when they're unhappy

It sounds like you are a bit insecure yourself, that you think the ex-bf has something more to offer her than you do. What do you think he has to offer?

I'm going out on a limb here in suggesting that maybe you think that the ex-bf is more "manly" than you? And that you believe that your gf is missing that? Is that right?

If so, maybe this is an insecurity that you need to sort out yourself, rather than being paranoid about your gf, cause it sounds like she hasn't done anything wrong

And I definitely wouldn NOT confront your gf about this. You don't have any real reason to be suspicious, and it could end up driving her away

LegacyUser

Hammerblow wrote: »

The photo's were taken in September 2008, according to the iPod (it says it on the bar at the top of the picture).

Maybe she just uploaded the picture in September 2008, it could've been taken any time before that.
It must be hard to see her smiling in the photo, but gavney1 is right, it's just a moment in time. For all you know, her ex could've punched a tree after the photo was taken resulting in your girlfriend thinking he wasn't right for her.
Your girlfriend knows you've seen the photo, that's why she's nervous. She knows you've been hurt by it, and is doing her best to let you know that you're the one for her. That's why she keeps saying she wants to put photos of you two on the ipod. Believe her when she says that she just had a pile of crap on the ipod, she's saying that to let you know that she has no feelings for her ex.

Good luck, it sounds like you both have a great relationship

LegacyUser

Hi OP

First off i think you should have said that you saw the pics, you can still say it now, if you have questions that need answering, the only was to get them answered is to ask.

However i think it unlikely that she cheated on you. As for looking happy in the pics, most people put a smile on for pictures and maybe she was or thought she was "happy" at that time.

i'm going out with my bf nearly 2 years, we love each other to bits, about 6 months ago we were on a week end away and we were stopped by the gards, they asked for his driver licence, when i went to get it out of the glove comparment, i saw a pic of him and his ex, i was shocked and a little annoyed, however we laughed at it, and it was gone the next day.
he still has pics of his ex on his lap top, along with hundreds of pics of his friends, i would prefere if they weren't there but she was a part of his life and helped him through some very tough times, and its not as if he looks at them.
what im trying to say is, that we all have a past, and while i dont believe anyone should have pictures of their ex's hung on their walls, they may have thme thrown in a bottom drawer somewhere, i knw i do, i never look at them, and i'l probably throw them out when im doing a big clean.
i know my bf loves me to bits, so there is nothing to be insecure about, talk to her about it, maybe she totally gorget there were on her ipod, it doesnt mean she loves you any less, she IS WITH YOU not him after all.

ash23

My daughter pulled out her baby book the other day and when she opened it there were loads of pictures of me and my ex in there. I'd put them there when we split as I was unsure what to do with them.
Although I'd binned all letters and cards etc, I didn't want to do that with photos.
Now, if it had been a new boyfriend who came across them , that would have looked really bad. But it's nothing.

She may have just uploaded them to the ipod as a way of storing them while she decided what to do with them.

I still have pics of ex on my camera and laptop. None of him and me but loads of him and our daughter. They mean nothing to me and I haven't deleted them for my daughters sake.

Don't worry about it.

AnonoBoy

I have photos on my computer of me and an ex-girlfriend where I am beaming from cheek to cheek. This is a woman who I plan never to speak to again in my life. Ironically though I don't plan on deleting the photos I have of her and me - they're a part of my history.

If you looked at the created date it would look like it was taken 2 years ago when it was in fact taken about 6 years back. That's because the files were rejigged and saved and then moved en masse to my new computer a few years back.

So remember that you just because her iPod said a date doesn't mean it was taken then.

Relax.

She's with you and just because there's photos saved doesn't mean she wants this guy back.

LegacyUser

unregistered28 wrote: »

Maybe she just uploaded the picture in September 2008

That's it, actually. I have just checked my iPod, it works exactly like that. You cannot rule out that she uploaded the photo the same day she took it, but I'd give her the benefit of the doubt, OP. As it stands, there is no evidence of your girlfriend betraying you in any way, shape or form.

LegacyUser

I have been seeing a girl for the last few months - we're both in our 30s.

She has pictures of herself and her ex in her living room.

Now, I have met the ex and he's a very nice guy. They remain very good friends (in the same way that I am friends with an ex of mine).

It hasn't bothered me at all.

He was a big part of her life, he is still a part of her life and so am I.

Having said that, in my mid 20s, I was insanely jealous when I saw a pic of my gf at the time with a bf of hers.

I guess I've just grown up a bit since then.

LegacyUser

While I certainly wouldn't wade in and start accusing your girlfriend of anything I wouldn't be as quick to give her the all clear as most people on here seem to be. I think you need to talk to her about this as it will always niggle away at you if you don't.

I went through something similar myself. I was going out with a girl for 2 years when I found out definitively (I won't get into the laborious detail of the who,what,how and why) that she had gone away for a weekend with her ex about 4 months into our relationship.

Now at this stage we were getting on great and things were fabulous much the way you describe your situation. I confronted her and at first she denied it but then she admitted it. She asked me not to let the wonderful realtionship we had go to ruin because of this. A lot of my friends advised me to let it go because we were great together and we really should stick at it. I was head over heels about this girl and I was nearly weak enough to take their advice.

But f**k that. She'd gone off for a weekend away with her ex when she was dating me. She went off for basically a weekends f**king despite the fact we were together 4 months as a couple and had been seeing each other for quite a while before it became exclusive. Yeah it was a while in the past but she did it nonetheless. There was just no way I could let that slide as much as I wanted to. I could have stuck with her and tried to forget about it but it would have always been there to come back to haunt me and cause me the anxiety, stress and fear of it happening again.

As for the theory your girlfriend might have uploaded the pics in September having taken them way before that. Yep its a possibility. I'd really have to question why she'd be uploading pictures of her apparently abusive ex just as your realtionship was starting to blossom and develop. I doesn't sound like something someone would do to me.

Anyway, bottom line, you can take some comfort from peoples words on here and have them reassure you it sounds like there is nothing to it. But you really won't get any peace of mind until you talk to her about it and get the answers you are after. You might block it out temporarily but it will always come back and eat away at you.

No need to be aggressive or get overly emotional right away. Stay calm. Tell her you saw the photos of your her and the ex. Ask her were they taken that September. If they weren't ask her why she was uploading pics of her abusive ex 4 months into your realtionship. Ask her the things you want and need to know. It may turn out to be something it may turn out to nothing (I really hope for your sake its nothing) but you need to find out one way or the other.

It could be that she was having a hard time saying goodbye and letting go of the ex. Now whether that equated to pining over some pics on her iPod or actually going away with him only she knows. If its the lesser of those two evils you still probably won't feel great about it because she was with you at the time but you have to run the risk of finding out some hard truths

LegacyUser

needtotalk wrote: »

I was going out with a girl for 2 years when I found out definitively that she had gone away for a weekend with her ex about 4 months into our relationship.

There is a HUGE difference between going away for the weekend with another man and uploading a picture of an ex on your ipod. She might have uploaded a pile of pictures to her ipod not realising the picture of her ex was in the middle of it! Nevertheless she is entitled to have a past, therefore she is entitled to have pictures of her ex. For her to not have pictures of her ex, or to not have a past she would've had to live in a box untouched until she met the OP.

Nothing she has done is wrong in any way. If she was constantly parading her ex in front of the OP, that'd be an entirely different story. Nothing the OP has said, however, would indicate that his girlfriend is cheating on him.

She sounds like she realises that the OP has seen the picture and is trying to make amends. There really is no need for her to make amends, however, as she's done nothing wrong. To me this indicates she really cares about the OP, and wants him to realise how much he means to her.

LegacyUser

i never said it was the same thing. some people on here seem to like taking things out of context to suit their argument.

For the record its no more proven that she only uploaded a picture than it is that she went away with him that september and had rampant sex with him all night long.

I didn't tell the OP to jump to conclusions. I said to ask the questions he needed to ask to put his mind at ease.

Maybe its a pic put there by accident or maybe there is more too it. None of us know. He needs to ask to find out

LegacyUser

needtotalk wrote: »

i never said it was the same thing. some people on here seem to like taking things out of context to suit their argument.

For the record its no more proven that she only uploaded a picture than it is that she went away with him that september and had rampant sex with him all night long.

I didn't tell the OP to jump to conclusions. I said to ask the questions he needed to ask to put his mind at ease.

Maybe its a pic put there by accident or maybe there is more too it. None of us know. He needs to ask to find out

And comparing the OP's problem to your situation where your ex went off with another guy for the weekend isnt taking it out of context to suit your argument? It's awful to be cheated on, cheaters are indeed scum, but I don't see the point of bringing up such an extreme case here.

I can't see how believing his girlfriend might have cheated on him would serve him (and the relationship) any better, especially when there is absolutely no evidence of cheating.

Kimia

Am I reading this right - you're saying that she put these photos up 4 months after you guys met, but then you say that she put them in around September 2008 and you met in August 2008 - and didn't start dating until October 2008?

So how is it 4 months after you met?

Also - so what if she has pictures of her ex. I have loads of pics of me and my ex and although I don't want to be with him anymore I'd never get rid of them because they are just snapshots of memories.

krudler

I wouldnt worry about the date tbh, she could have just synced the ipod in september 08 and thats why its saying that date, tbh an ipod has no way of telling you when a picture was taken only a camera can do that, and unless theres a timestamp on the photo itself it could have been taken at any time, its more likely she uploaded a folder of pics and didnt realise that she still had that photo.

If it something thats going to bother you that much I'd say it to her, not in an accusing way just mention it, at least you'll know for definite, otherwise if you're feeling that insecure about it it will only eat away at you and will constantly be in the back of your mind

Kidchameleon

OP

I feel you should just chill out. I dont beleive she has done anything wrong. The pictures could have been uploaded automatically by ITunes (crap program btw) Your obviously the one for her. Easyer said than done but you gotta get over your insecurities...

Good Luck

Elliee

Hammerblow wrote: »

I know that she loves me right now. We meet up at least five or six nights a week after work. She calls me a two or three times every day, and she tells me she loves me at least ten times a day.
H.

Read what your wrote! Stand tall dude, walk proud, you know she loves you.
Tell yourself that every day.
Ex's remain a part of some people whole lives, ex boyfriends go to the ex girlfriends weddings! I mean you meet up how many times a week? Its not like she'd have time for her ex even if she wanted to!!

Chill out and relax. Let the love flow, dont stress over nothing, seriously. Its one picture. She is allowed to have been happy with someone else previous to you. But who says now shes not 1000 times happier with you?

Good Luck, but STOP putting pressure on yourself and your relationship, confidence is the most attactive thing.

Munster_Gal

I don't think you have anything to worry about. I still have all my pics of me and my ex and we broke up a year ago! We were happy when the pics were taken so why delete them from my life.....
She's with you now and ye're happy! I think you just need to put it out of your head and continue to be happy

Whippersnapper

I still have photos of myself and my ex on my mp3 player, facebook, my computer, whatever. My current partner does too. Like someone else said, they are part of our past and we have fond memories.

LegacyUser

Hi everybody, OP here...

Thanks everybody for your replies, it has been a rough few weeks for me. An emotional rollercoaster in honesty. I decided to keep the matter to myself and I could deal with it whenever she was with me and whenever we are in contact with each other. However, whenever I was on my own in the house or at work I found myself thinking about it a hell of alot, so much so that it started eating me up inside. Any time the place that they were in (West of Ireland) came up on the radio, tv, conversation, or even an order from work came through from the west of Ireland I found myself feeling worse and worse inside. Hell I couldn't even watch Fr Ted because the Burren was in it. So after two weeks of this, admittedly on and off, I decided to tell my girlfriend about it as I couldn't take it any more.

She didn't know that they were on the iPod and she got quite emotional about it being brought up again as it brought up alot of bad memories for her, but she could see how it had effected me and she couldn't believe that I had kept it to myself for all of that time. We have both put it behind us and it doesn't come into my mind any more. It has took a huge weight off my chest and I am personally glad I told her about it.

I think things have been going so well for us for so long now that any little thing that attempts to get in our way tends to really affect us emotionally. While we are still unbelievably happy with each other, fear of loss seems to have taken over (I think since New Years) from the no pressure, enjoyable relationship that we have had for the year we've been together. I am sure it is normal for couples but I really want to get that back into our relationship. Anyone have any tips or ideas on how

I have also noticed that I have struggling quite a bit with my self confidence since I've told her about the pictures. I am worrying pointlessly alot about how to keep the craic going with her when we are together, even though we can speak for hours non stop! I keep looking at how other people can speak with ease to her and keep wondering if she'll get bored of me... Insecure or what?!

I know that all of that is absolutely nuts and bordering on possessive, but I've been drove up the walls recently and I am just afraid that my world could fall apart if I cannot get myself under control and quickly. I have even found that I have lost alot of interest in the things that I love doing, going to the cinema, going out, going travelling, going to football matches, concerts etc. Could it be depression? I just want to be the fun person that my girlfriend has grown to love. I just want to be myself again.