Treading on egg shells

LegacyUser

hey, I have been going out with my girlfriend for about four years, thing is I often feel like I'm treading on egg shells around her, as in comments I make she takes them to heart and gets very touchy. I feel like I have to constantly watch what I say to her. For instance, she was doing a project on flash (the program thingy) and she emailed me a pic of what she was doing for advice, I texted her back saying it was fine, but just as joke I said "oh so you just stole a flash template ya:P " (the templates are just ready made things, incase you are not familiar)

She got really bad about it, saying she did not steal it, and that she did not know what I was talking about, so anyway after a while I just told I her I was joking, but she didn't believe me and said "send me on the template so i can see it" anyway she would not believe me that I was joking and was really upset by the joke.

Thats just one example there are other things too like that, where I just make some stupid comment and she gets all touchy about it and I have to spend ages explaining everything.

Its kinda driving me insane. I have told I feel like I have to watch what I say and she was all apologetic , but its still going on.

I am considering ending it....

Any advice?

Taltos

It just sounds like you are two completely different people.
Not always a bad thing. But in this case .. well, totally up to you but life is too short to be holding your breath...

gavney1

OP, I can relate

I was going out with a girl a few years ago, we were going out for about a year

I hadn't seen her since then, but recently bumped into her and we went for coffee just to catch up. It ended up being a whole night out

We were getting on really well and both enjoying ourselves, and there's plenty of things I still love about her and I was thinking "why did we break up again?"

But, I made a couple of completely harmless jokes, (not about her even) and then I remembered....

She started her "pouting" and all the memories suddenly came rushing back.....

It's really frustrating, especially since I like so many things about her, and it seems like it's "just this one thing" but really, it's a HUGE thing.

I know there's a line you shouldn't cross when making jokes, and some people can be really insensitive - but it doesn't sound like you are insensitive from your post OP, so I don't think there's anything wrong with you.

Relationships really shouldn't be so much hard work.

It's up to you - but defo talk to her about it again

LegacyUser

OP, I can relate as well. Been with my girlfriend six years, last three living together.

I think (and have always thought) that what I perceived as her thin skin was really related to her own self-esteem issues. To that end, I've spent a long time trying to help her realize how brilliant and beautiful she is and it's improved a bit. It hasn't gone away entirely though; it can happen that I will make off-the-cuff remarks that don't mean anything to me and will spend the rest of the evening explaining and justifying and answering questions related to the comment.

So, in addition to trying to boost her up, I've tried to knock off the comments as well. I mean, this is my girlfriend whom I love, so it makes sense to me that I'd curb my mouth a bit. I think the amount to which you have to watch what you say is directly proportional to the respect you have for the listener.

To your problem, she was probably already feeling a little unsure or unconfident with the Flash thing, therefore any jokes about it would cut deeper than you thought it might. They're women; they take things differently than you and I.

LegacyUser

I used to be that girl. When I was going out with my first boyfriend, I used to take offence at small things he said. Even when I was going out with him, I knew that I was sometimes over the top when I took offence. In the end, me and my ex broke up. I knew myself in my heart and soul that I couldn't handle the relationship because of the issues I had.
I know for a fact you're girlfriend is not doing it to test you, she really believes that you've hurt her. It's got nothing to do with you, let me hasten to add, she has low self esteem and can't handle someobdy else thinking that she's done something stupid, or made a mistake. She really doesn't see it as a joke.
The only thing I would advise is to let her be annoyed by what you said, but for your own sanity don't pander to her. Don't apologise, put it back on her so she has to deal with the issue (her issue). If you keep trying to placate her, she'll keep doing it. If she keeps doing it, it'll wear you down, and also wear down the relationship you have with her

Cheap Thrills!

I think (and have always thought) that what I perceived as her thin skin was really related to her own self-esteem issues. To that end, I've spent a long time trying to help her realize how brilliant and beautiful she is and it's improved a bit. It hasn't gone away entirely though; it can happen that I will make off-the-cuff remarks that don't mean anything to me and will spend the rest of the evening explaining and justifying and answering questions related to the comment.

While well meaning this is the worst thing you could do.

Her problems lie within herself. You changing everything you do and say to try to reassure her is totally counter -productive. The more you bend to her insecurities the more she feels justified in her over sensitive behaviour and takes it out on you.

There is a fine line between being a saint and a fool. You can see walking on eggshells is getting you nowhere. And she is totally taking your efforts and sacrifices for granted.

Its not acceptable for her to be losing her temper and flying off the handle at you. Its the emotional equivalent of kicking the cat.

She has GOT to adapt to her external envoironment....ie the real world.

The real world won't mollycoddle and softsoap her and indulge her neurotic acting out. You are creating a false bubble of indulgence around her. You are giving her disfunctional behaviour a seal of approval.

If you do all this becayse you fear being 'the bad guy' then you need to look into yourself and ask yourself can you go on like this indefinitely. What she is doing is a subtle form of emotional blackmail. Her message is 'bend to my will, my point of view or I will become upset, angry and paint you as the bad guy'

Her martyr act is working for her at the moment. She has you jumping on cue. To get your power back you need to stop enabling her behaviour and accept that she will probably paint you as the nasty mean boyfriend who let her down.

You've GOT to be ready for that. Thats the only weapon she has in her arsenal, but when that no longer works for her, what can she do except adapt.

She is getting away with it because you let her. Stop letting her, stop reassuring her and stop replaying those old scripts.

To your problem, she was probably already feeling a little unsure or unconfident with the Flash thing, therefore any jokes about it would cut deeper than you thought it might. They're women; they take things differently than you and I.

Bull$hit, Im a woman and I know how to behave. Its women like these girls that give the rest of us a bad name. As if we are not responsible for what we say and think? We are adults and there shoudl be no need for anyone to have to walk on eggshells around anyone else. The problem is more with the boyfriends who encourage this nonsense.

LegacyUser

Okay, I'll try to even this up a little. You're not telling us if your girlfriend is Irish? Me, I'm not Irish, and even though I've lived here for several years now, I still fail to understand the Irish sense of humour at times. My boyfriend and his family do tend to pull jokes on me, and while I have learned to put on a grin most of the time, I find it very hard to swallow my pride every time, and at times I feel I have to make it quite clear that I do no appreciate being made fun of. This is not me being difficult on purpose - it is a case of cultural differences. What is perceived as a joke here, would more often than not be considered incredibly rude and offensive where I come from, and I cannot switch off my own background entirely. As I said, most of the time I try to just get on with it, but I do believe and have told him that a middle ground needs to be found, and that's my advice for you as well, regardless of whether your girlfriend is Irish or not. Two people are in this relationship, and you will hardly ever find two people with the exact same outlook on everything. So she happens not to share your sense of humour. After four years, OP, you really should KNOW this. Why keep pulling such jokes, so? I can understand the occasional slip - it's not all about her, after all - but if the problem is so big now that you need advice, it makes me wonder if you have ever actually made an effort to simply NOT joke this way around her so much.

I am slightly perplexed about the amount of people trying to make out that the girl is effectively a drama queen. Folks, a lack of sense of humour is hardly the worst trait a person can have now, is it. From the example given by the OP (the flash template one), it seems to me the girlfriend might simply honestly not get the "joke" (which, I'll be honest, I don't get either. I wouldn't be offended, but it's hardly "funny". It's just plain stupid IMHO). There are many reasons a person might not get a joke, different culture, different mother tongue, different upbringing, insecurity, hell, even being on the autistic spectrum. It does NOT make anyone a drama queen per se. Indeed, it might even be a case of you pulling really lame jokes!

So OP, just try taking her outlook on board. Have a chat with her, ask her to think before jumping the gun, and promise yourself to think before pulling a joke.

micdug

Yeh - same issue - big problem amongst a lot of thirtysomething year old girls I've met recently. I don't think I am inappropriate with my humour, but being with a girl who takes your every pronouncement at face value can be trying. Combined with a lot of girls having no activities outside of work/socialising it leaves you with not a heck of a lot to talk about. TBH it's too much hard work. I broke up with a girl who on the face of it ticked all the boxes. Mutual friends could not understand why I did it, but ultimately I could not face into a dull life walking on eggshells.

LegacyUser

notsofunny wrote: »

Okay, I'll try to even this up a little. You're not telling us if your girlfriend is Irish? Me, I'm not Irish, and even though I've lived here for several years now, I still fail to understand the Irish sense of humour at times. My boyfriend and his family do tend to pull jokes on me, and while I have learned to put on a grin most of the time, I find it very hard to swallow my pride every time, and at times I feel I have to make it quite clear that I do no appreciate being made fun of. This is not me being difficult on purpose - it is a case of cultural differences. What is perceived as a joke here, would more often than not be considered incredibly rude and offensive where I come from, and I cannot switch off my own background entirely. As I said, most of the time I try to just get on with it, but I do believe and have told him that a middle ground needs to be found, and that's my advice for you as well, regardless of whether your girlfriend is Irish or not. Two people are in this relationship, and you will hardly ever find two people with the exact same outlook on everything. So she happens not to share your sense of humour.

When in Rome do as the Romans do. You came here, you can't expect everyone else to change to accommodate you.

notsofunny wrote: »

After four years, OP, you really should KNOW this. Why keep pulling such jokes, so? I can understand the occasional slip - it's not all about her, after all - but if the problem is so big now that you need advice, it makes me wonder if you have ever actually made an effort to simply NOT joke this way around her so much.

WHY SHOULD HE?
She needs to get a sense of humour and stop being so highly strung, humorless and frankly self important.
And besides he made clear in his post he has already tried to apppease her and reassure her but she is never happy no matter what he does. Impossible.

notsofunny wrote: »

I am slightly perplexed about the amount of people trying to make out that the girl is effectively a drama queen.

Well maybe stop thinking everyone is out of step but you, perhaps a little self reflection and the penny will drop. Eventually.

notsofunny wrote: »

Folks, a lack of sense of humour is hardly the worst trait a person can have now, is it.

Actually you are totally wrong there, a lack of sense of humour IS one of the worst traits a person can have. A sense of humour consistantly appears in polls and statistics as one of THE MOST SOUGHT AFTER qualities in a partner.

Never make the mistake of thinking everyone else thinks the same as you.

LegacyUser

I was going out with a girl for 2 years before I finally finished it.

We didn't share a similar sense of humour and because of that, it was doomed to fail.

I always felt that with every joke or story that she didn't get, respond to and with every story she never listened to that a part of my persona was dying.

I likened it to a tree where my branches were being lopped off until I was just left with the trunk and parts of my personality were gone.

Then I'd go out with some of my own friends and feel bad about getting on so well with them - so much so that I'd almost curtail myself when talking to them.

Walking on eggshells is not a good way to exist/live - you have to watch what you say, watch what you do and you're always on edge and you are not able to be yourself.

While a lack of sense of humour is hardly the worst trait, if one partner is quite humorous, they should probably try and get together with a girl who is humorous too.

LegacyUser

Hi, thanks for all your advice, I just don't know, I mean we get on so well alot of the time, I just find the whole having to explain one little comment for ages draining. I know she will call around to my place tonight and be really sorry, she has already texted me saying she was just having a bad day and totally over reacted.

I just know its going to happen again in a few weeks again though. I think its time to bite the bullet and end it, but then I think is it worth ending a good relationship over something like this?

Oh and she is Irish. She is going on holidays at the end of the month for a month. i'm wondering should I just end it now before she goes

gavney1

booobamab wrote: »

I

I likened it to a tree where my branches were being lopped off until I was just left with the trunk and parts of my personality were gone.

.

That's a good analogy - I can definitely relate to that!!!

LegacyUser

helpbeneeded wrote: »

I know she will call around to my place tonight and be really sorry, she has already texted me saying she was just having a bad day and totally over reacted.
I just know its going to happen again in a few weeks again though.

question: Do these outbursts typically happen when she's in the bad area of her hormonal cycle? Because, hey, she's just going to be in a crap mood at those times. I don't think there's many girls who won't be like that, at least a little bit.

I wouldn't break up with her without talking first- I know you've mentioned that it bothers you, but did you tell her that it bothers you to the extent that you might leave?

Cheap Thrills!

helpbeneeded wrote: »

Hi, thanks for all your advice, I just don't know, I mean we get on so well alot of the time, I just find the whole having to explain one little comment for ages draining. I know she will call around to my place tonight and be really sorry, she has already texted me saying she was just having a bad day and totally over reacted.

I just know its going to happen again in a few weeks again though. I think its time to bite the bullet and end it, but then I think is it worth ending a good relationship over something like this?

Have ye talked it through before?

Does she realise/admit she has a problem?

If she can't grasp that there is a problem, then it could be time to march. However if she can actually put herself in yoru shoes and see how draining and irritating and self obsessed she is being AND she wants to change then there might be hope...

I suppose its up to you to decide if its worth it.

Thing is though OP, have you ever stood up to her?.....you were beyond patient with her.....she is going to be blindsided if there has never been any dialogue before this about her problem.

LegacyUser

another user wrote: »

When in Rome do as the Romans do. You came here, you can't expect everyone else to change to accommodate you.

With all due respect, you do not know me nor my relationship, nor indeed the reasons for my being here. Furthermore, I have made it quite clear that most of the time, I *do* do "as the Romans do" by simply swallowing my pride. This does not change the fact that there are TWO people in a relationship, and like I said, finding a MIDDLE ground is important. It's called compromising.

WHY SHOULD HE?

Err, maybe because he's in a relationship, which will usually require a bit of compromising from both partners on one or more things... Presuming they actually love each other and would like for it to work out, of course.

Well maybe stop thinking everyone is out of step but you, perhaps a little self reflection and the penny will drop. Eventually.

How exactly can you come up with the conclusion that I lack self reflection? I am very well aware of the cultural clashes in my relationship, thanks very much. I know I come from a different (NOT a better, just a DIFFERENT) background, and I take that into account. It is only normal for my boyfriend to take it into account as well. That hardly means that I consider "everyone out of step" but me. I am talking about relationships, not "everyone." I do not normally consider "everyone" when dealing with issues in my relationship, nor would I expect anybody else to, so these thoughts of yours are not even remotely relevant.

Actually you are totally wrong there, a lack of sense of humour IS one of the worst traits a person can have. A sense of humour consistantly appears in polls and statistics as one of THE MOST SOUGHT AFTER qualities in a partner.

And that means that a lack of humour is one of the WORST traits?? Personally, I can think of many, MANY far worse qualities in a person, but maybe there are indeed some people out there who would happily stay in abusive and violent relationships where they're constantly being cheated on once their partner has a sense of humour. Good on them, each to their own.

Never make the mistake of thinking everyone else thinks the same as you.

Erm, I don't, actually. I am well aware that my point of view IS different to most people's here, which is why I offered it. Things aren't usually black and white, and getting somebody else's input can be helpful. I find most people coming here are actually looking for exactly that. Interestingly, I note you deliberately left out the other possible reasons for someone lacking a sense of humour that I gave. It seems YOU are labouring under the illusion that everyone thinks like you as from what you wrote, the OP's girlfriend cannot possibly be anything else but "highly strung, humorless and frankly self important." I am not ruling it out, but I do believe there MAY be other reasons. How utterly self-absorbed of me!

Anyway, I repeat my input: There are two people in a relationship. Relationships usually require both parties to compromise on certain things. Try to meet in the middle. If it works, brilliant. If humour is something you cannot/are not willing to compromise on, dump her.

ash23

OP, are there particular things that she is sensitive about or is it just everything?


For example, I can take a joke, I've a great sense of humour and there are certain things I can be mocked about because I'm confident in those areas.

Like my knowledge of sport is non existant. Because I don't like it. And I confused George Hook with George Lee the other day. And it was pointed out and joked about and I laughed. Because I know I am intelligent overall and I am secure in that aspect. However, mock my weight or my appearance and it would really cut me deeply.
My best friend isn't the most intellectual and really hates when people point out grammar or spelling mistakes (English isn't her 1st language but she's pretty much fluent). However she's a stunner and is totally confident in her appearance and looks and I've heard her and her boyfriend joke about being fat etc.
I don't mind my guy slagging me over my age but she hates that because she's a bit older than me.

Her boyfriend jokes that he'll run off and find himself another woman. She thinks thats a harmless joke. But it's happened to me and I wouldn't find humour in it if a boyfriend said that to me.

If it's everything that she's insecure about then fair enough.
But if you can pin point one area that she is sensitive about then maybe just stop mocking her about that! We might be amazing women but we all have some insecurities. It doesn't make us drama queens, it just makes us human.

LegacyUser

Hey ash...you might be onto something there.... What she is making is for a family member, and that family member keeps asking her when its going to be done and she is having problems with it. She studied aspects of programming etc in college and I know she always felt that she was really bad at it, and it got her down......so maybe I touched a nerve....

I guess the other stuff she gets touchy about are things like when she interprets things as I say as to meaning I don't want to hang around with her or something.....

ash23

helpbeneeded wrote: »

Hey ash...you might be onto something there.... What she is making is for a family member, and that family member keeps asking her when its going to be done and she is having problems with it. She studied aspects of programming etc in college and I know she always felt that she was really bad at it, and it got her down......so maybe I touched a nerve....

I guess the other stuff she gets touchy about are things like when she interprets things as I say as to meaning I don't want to hang around with her or something.....

Well there you go. If she is insecure about her intelligence in that aspect then a comment about her abilities in that area will make her feel bad, particularly if it's something she's already stressed about or under pressure about.

Do you do the blokey thing of kind of mocking her a little bit? Or has she said before that she feels you guys don't spend enough time together. It's really just about knowing her insecurities and once she isn't reacting to absolutely everything, you just avoid the touchy subjects. Most guys wouldn't find it funny if a girl slagged them about their penis size or their ability to make her orgasm or even their physical strength. "Jaysus, can you not even lift that you big girl".....

castle

If your GF wanted to hear something funny she will rent an old Eddie Murphy movie, to her it is a put down and she may have a loving family who don't think it funny to make nasty jokes at her expense.So hearing this immature chat must be very upsetting to her.
You are meant to be her rock ,support etc
Remember the old saying if you have nothing good to say then say nothing, this saying is really made for you .Time to grow up mate

SheRa

ash23 wrote: »

OP, are there particular things that she is sensitive about or is it just everything?


For example, I can take a joke, I've a great sense of humour and there are certain things I can be mocked about because I'm confident in those areas.

Like my knowledge of sport is non existant. Because I don't like it. And I confused George Hook with George Lee the other day. And it was pointed out and joked about and I laughed. Because I know I am intelligent overall and I am secure in that aspect. However, mock my weight or my appearance and it would really cut me deeply.
My best friend isn't the most intellectual and really hates when people point out grammar or spelling mistakes (English isn't her 1st language but she's pretty much fluent). However she's a stunner and is totally confident in her appearance and looks and I've heard her and her boyfriend joke about being fat etc.
I don't mind my guy slagging me over my age but she hates that because she's a bit older than me.

Her boyfriend jokes that he'll run off and find himself another woman. She thinks thats a harmless joke. But it's happened to me and I wouldn't find humour in it if a boyfriend said that to me.

If it's everything that she's insecure about then fair enough.
But if you can pin point one area that she is sensitive about then maybe just stop mocking her about that! We might be amazing women but we all have some insecurities. It doesn't make us drama queens, it just makes us human.

Ash23 I've seen some really insightful posts from you, and this is one of the best that Ive ever read on PI, or Boards come to think of it. You have just described so articulately exactly what goes on in my head and Id imagine many other womens too.

Op hope you get it sorted. It seems that even from this thread you can see things a bit more from her side, which is great. Now dont get me wrong I think she is waay over reacting but I also think that you seeing where she is coming from will help you both.

Amazotheamazing

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

While well meaning this is the worst thing you could do.

Her problems lie within herself. You changing everything you do and say to try to reassure her is totally counter -productive. The more you bend to her insecurities the more she feels justified in her over sensitive behaviour and takes it out on you.

There is a fine line between being a saint and a fool. You can see walking on eggshells is getting you nowhere. And she is totally taking your efforts and sacrifices for granted.

Its not acceptable for her to be losing her temper and flying off the handle at you. Its the emotional equivalent of kicking the cat.

She has GOT to adapt to her external envoironment....ie the real world.

The real world won't mollycoddle and softsoap her and indulge her neurotic acting out. You are creating a false bubble of indulgence around her. You are giving her disfunctional behaviour a seal of approval.

If you do all this becayse you fear being 'the bad guy' then you need to look into yourself and ask yourself can you go on like this indefinitely. What she is doing is a subtle form of emotional blackmail. Her message is 'bend to my will, my point of view or I will become upset, angry and paint you as the bad guy'

Her martyr act is working for her at the moment. She has you jumping on cue. To get your power back you need to stop enabling her behaviour and accept that she will probably paint you as the nasty mean boyfriend who let her down.

You've GOT to be ready for that. Thats the only weapon she has in her arsenal, but when that no longer works for her, what can she do except adapt.

She is getting away with it because you let her. Stop letting her, stop reassuring her and stop replaying those old scripts.



Bull$hit, Im a woman and I know how to behave. Its women like these girls that give the rest of us a bad name. As if we are not responsible for what we say and think? We are adults and there shoudl be no need for anyone to have to walk on eggshells around anyone else. The problem is more with the boyfriends who encourage this nonsense.

So glad someone else posted this, being a woman is not a catch-all excuse for being ultra-sensitive or irrational. I treat my girlfriend like an adult, not some adult shaped child who needs to be sheltered from the world.