is love all that matters?

LegacyUser

So...I think I'm going mad with indecision. Great guy, cute, sexy, sweet, loving, honest. But: no job, no ambition, no ability to think past today.
A deal breaker or not?
Pretty tough, and I've been asking myself this every day since we got together, wait for it...three years ago!! We dont live together, and see eachother fairly rarely due to my work committments. He's 28 and I'm 31.
BUt how long can I really let this go on? I'm a professional, and this sounds awful but I'm increasingly embarassed about having to explain that my boyfriend doesn't work.
I first put it down to confidence, which he does lack. Then I blamed the cannabis which he smokes, but them I know other people who smoke and hold down jobs. Then I blamed the Playstation. Now I just blame him.
Yes, I've sat him down and said it's high time he looked for work. He tells me theres a recession on and he wouldn't find a job anyway.
I've told him its important to me but he shrugs it off, tells me he loves me and changes the subject.
What can I do? Is this a deal-breaker? It seems crazy that something like a job would get to me, I always thought I was tolerant. He's a good friend as well as a boyfriend and I'm afraid to lose him but I can't stop getting annoyed about his laziness. It annoys me that he thinks its ok to bum off the state. It annoys me that he has no aspirations for the future. I'm 31, I can't be with a teenager forever. On the other side he loves me, and talks romantically about our future together and has such faith in our relationship when I have none. I say I'm just being practical and he says practicalities don't matter when people love eachother.
Am I being a total B**tch? How much does having a job matter? Surely 3 years isn't normal?
He hangs around with a bunch of people who mostly don't work either, it's like an accepted way of life.

daisybelle2008

unregistered wrote: »

So...I think I'm going mad with indecision. Great guy, cute, sexy, sweet, loving, honest. But: no job, no ambition, no ability to think past today.
A deal breaker or not?
Pretty tough, and I've been asking myself this every day since we got together, wait for it...three years ago!! We dont live together, and see eachother fairly rarely due to my work committments. He's 28 and I'm 31.
BUt how long can I really let this go on? I'm a professional, and this sounds awful but I'm increasingly embarassed about having to explain that my boyfriend doesn't work.
I first put it down to confidence, which he does lack. Then I blamed the cannabis which he smokes, but them I know other people who smoke and hold down jobs. Then I blamed the Playstation. Now I just blame him.
Yes, I've sat him down and said it's high time he looked for work. He tells me theres a recession on and he wouldn't find a job anyway.
I've told him its important to me but he shrugs it off, tells me he loves me and changes the subject.
What can I do? Is this a deal-breaker? It seems crazy that something like a job would get to me, I always thought I was tolerant. He's a good friend as well as a boyfriend and I'm afraid to lose him but I can't stop getting annoyed about his laziness. It annoys me that he thinks its ok to bum off the state. It annoys me that he has no aspirations for the future. I'm 31, I can't be with a teenager forever. On the other side he loves me, and talks romantically about our future together and has such faith in our relationship when I have none. I say I'm just being practical and he says practicalities don't matter when people love eachother.
Am I being a total B**tch? How much does having a job matter? Surely 3 years isn't normal?
He hangs around with a bunch of people who mostly don't work either, it's like an accepted way of life.

It apppears to be a deal-breaker for you as you have no faith in your relationship and you do not accept him as he is. He will continue to annoy you or he will change or maybe he won't change. You can do one of the following:

1) Stick around annoyed and hope for change
2) Accept him and love him as is.
3) Leave him and start afresh

Surely after 3 years questioning yourself if it is a dealbreaker or not you should have arrived at a conclusion.

LegacyUser

thanks for the reply. I know it seems mad but I just keep thinking if he'd only get a job then everything would be perfect.
It's not like a characteristic or something that is unchangable in a person, it's unemployment. I'm not fussy about what job, I just think that everyone has to do something with their lives.
I keep waiting and hoping a job is around the corner but he's not even looking. I also know its tough when young men have no qualifications and poor schooling and the opportunities that are open to them are limited.
Thats why I've let it go for so long.
Thanks anyway.

clartharlear

There can't be love if there isn't respect, and you can't respect him if he has no interest in working. I wouldn't be able to either.

Your post seems like something I could have written 6 months ago, from me being a busy professional, to him being full of love and empty of ambition. When it finally ended, to my shock, I ended up feeling relief, because I didn't have to lie to myself any more about the embarrassment I felt about him not making any contribution to society by engaging in real work of any type.

It's a deal breaker.

LegacyUser

If it's confidence and you think that he can improve and find a job then stick with him. Lack of Confidence can be a killer - believe me, I was that soldier and had no confidence for a long time - I battled through but my lack of confidence has at times held me back from working or finding work. And I have qualifications.

But he sounds like he;s stuck in a hole which he won't or can;t get out of. If he doesn't see the problem then I doubt you will be able to change him.

Love can only conquer so much and I know this having been dumped by someone who saw me as financailly unstable (much like her dad).

If it's a dealbreaker then tell him so and see if that helps. It might encourage him to retrain or to at least try to get a job

cafecolour

It wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me. From the sound of it, it's a deal breaker for you, and that's what counts.

If it's bad now, imagine if you did see each often. Or if his state benefits get cut and he starts trying to live off you

OTOH maybe he'd be a great stay at home dad if it comes to that.

Have you made it clear how serious this is to you? Ie that you're pretty much ready to leave him because of it.

LegacyUser

What exactly is it that you love about him can I ask? I dont mean to be rude, but I really am trying to figure out what it is you love about him.
He has no job. In todays economy, thats normal enough but 3yrs ago it wasnt.
He smokes hash. Do you smoke it yourself? I went out with a guy who smoked it once - never mind my own personal opinion of it, but we were on completely different levels when he was smoking. We broke up because of it.
He has no ambition.
He is lazy.
He cant think past today.

From what you've said OP, I think you've outgrown him.

The relationship may have been good at the start - perhaps you even looked after him (financially or otherwise) and perhaps you are a woman who has that 'maternal instinct' when it comes to boyfriends. That's not necessarily a negative - Im one of these women myself - kind of like to 'do things' for my bf.

But I think you've matured..and he hasn't..simple as.
I also think it's time for you to move on.
You can't change someone. Only he can do that. And its pretty obvious he doesnt want to.

LegacyUser

Thanks again for all the replies. Most of the time I know that the right thing to do would be to end it but it's so hard, and from a selfish point of view I'm scared of making a mistake.
No I dont smoke, I used to the odd time but I've grown out of it.
What I do love about him? He has this innocent outlook on life and relationships that I guess is rare in todays cynical world. I know he'd be happy with me, and he always thinks I look great, always tries to make me feel good about myself, always optimistic about our future. And I get sucked in, I sort of blank out all the huge gaps which I see missing from our relationship when Im with him.
Then when I'm not with him they all come back.
Like, he wants us to live together but I'll never live with him until he's off rent allowance.
But for all his talk he doesnt love me enough to get a job, or go back to college or whatever.
The other side of it is I'm so much part of his family. His parents love me and I'm friends with his sisters. They get frustrated at his laziness but I think they just put it down to being young. But he's not that young!!
I just cant imagine why someone wouldnt want to do anything with their lives. I've tried to understand and I can't. I feel like if youre with someone you should understand them and I dont get this in any way.
I guess Ive answered my own question. But its very very hard to know if youre doing the right thing.

LegacyUser

'But for all his talk he doesnt love me enough to get a job, or go back to college or whatever'

Not true OP.

He doesn't love HIMSELF enough to get a job, or go back to college or whatever.

Uriel.

Love is not just a feeling you have for someone.

To love someone truly there has to be a whole package. In the early days of relationships we work off natural drives/infatuation/sexual thoughts. We think we are in love but may not necessarily be.

It is not until we get over the stage of "falling for someone" that we can actually take a step back and really analyse how we feel about the whole package in front of us.

Also as a previous poster said, we must love ourselves before we can love another...

Is love enough? yes it can be. But first you need to be able to understand if what you have is real love.

And I think that matter is still being debated in your head.

Amazotheamazing

Your priorities have changed since you first met him, happens all the time. Sadly, work, money, ability to provide for a rainy day, are important, even if it kills us a little to admit we have to plan for the future at least to some extent.