Parents may seperate, should I tell my brother?

LegacyUser

I'm in a bit of a sticky situation.
my parents have been married for 27 years, im in my early 20's and i have just one brother he's married and has a baby.
i've been living with my parents alone for about 5 years. like every family we have had good and bad times, but i suppose my mum has had it pretty rough for a number of reasons (i dont thinks its important to go into them)

anyway recently my mum has hinted that she may seperate from my dad, i was very upset but understand she's not happy, after this she told me not to worry and just keep my head down and get my exams (i'm in my final year of college) i believe she may ask my dad for a seperation after my exams.

the thing is I'm not sure if i should tell my brother? i dont want to raise a false alarm, yet i feel it is important for him to know. another problem is that he is very very religious, and i'm not sure how he would react, he can be very balck and white and is quite naive about alot of issues that have happened over the years.

i love both my parents, and it will break my heart if they do seperate but should i tell my brother? I do not want him to give my mum a lecture on the importance of marraige or anything of the sort

Anon_IRL.Joe

I think its best if you don't say anything to him. Its your parents' obligation to let him know. If your mother told you, she should definitely tell your brother as well.

Ickle Magoo

I would leave it to your parents to make known the dissolution of their marriage to anyone, even your brother. As things stand, she has only hinted at a separation.

If she changes her mind, or your brother goes gung-ho about the news bomb you dropped then it could be a disastrous move on your part and everyone will be angry at you. Perhaps your mum only mentioned it because you're living there so the mood of the house is visible and you were there when she needed to talk? If you feel bad being privy to such information and not telling your brother, I think you should let your mum know rather than tell your brother without consulting her.

Best of luck.

cafecolour

No, def don't say anything. As noted, it's your mothers responsibility to tell him, and you have no idea if she'll actually go through with it anytime soon. That's the sort of thing she might waver back and forth on for months or years.

niallon

Whilst I agree with the above sentiments that it could be detrimental to you're living situation and relationships with your family to tell, I do feel that if it continues and your brother (only sibling?) is someone you can confide in then you may need to do so. This I mean only if things continue along the path of your parents seperating and it begins to take a toll on your own mental well being, if you can cope ok on your own then try to do so.

I only say this because I was in a similar situation myself four years ago, my brother living away from home, me at home, and I was presented the exact same scenario. I can see now that my relationship with my brother grew stronger than it had ever been (and in fairness it hadn't been that strong) after we confided in each other and though I seemed to grow distant from my parents, I had the support from my brother.

But do remember that I only suggest this at the extreme end of this, should it continue, and more to the point, if things do reach that stage there's every likely hood your parents will decide to talk to both of you together anyway.

LegacyUser

thanks for your replys, i actually thought that most would say that i should tell him. my father would not want to seperate but my mother is at the end of her thether as they say.
i have noticed that they are not communicating much with each other, although they are not having rows, as far as i knw.
Its just very sad i suppose, i feel sorry for both of them, more so for my dad as i think he has depended more on my mother than she has on him over the years.
It is getting to me, i haven't been sleeping very well, i've told no one, not even my long term bf, i think im prob too upset to even mention it, cause then it'l in some way make it real.

ddef

forget what they say, tell your brother. if i found out my brother kept it from me i would be proper pissed off at him. also, on a more personal level to you, it would be a load off and very benefitial to share it with the most relevent person in the world, your brother.

Victor

I would suggest that you ask you mother has she spoken to him about it. I wouldn't seek him out to tell him just yet. But if he asks, you probably have to tell the truth.

Also, its a separation, (presumably) its not a divorce and re-marriage situation so he needs to not over-react.

seamus

It's a hard decision to make and tough for us to make a call without knowing your brother very well.

If it was me, I wouldn't have many qualms about talking to my brothers about it, but that's because I know they'd go straight back to my mother and talk to her about it without being judgemental or lecture-y.

On the other hand, if they were the kind of people to "go public" on it and make a big deal of it, I wouldn't tell them.

My advice would be to wait. You don't actually know anything yet except that your Mum is upset. Your brother has his own family now, he doesn't need "what ifs" putting stress on him. When it actually happens, then your mother can tell him. But at the moment, all you'd be doing is spreading the stress and worry without solving any problems.

If you need someone to talk to, I would go to a trusted friend because that's not going to cause any upset elsewhere.

LegacyUser

really appriciate all your replys.
seamus i agree with what you say, i dont want spreading unneccessary stress. i cannot see my mother sitting down with my brother in the near future to tell him, my brother is a "head" person if that makes any sense, he's not great with the emotional side of things.

and although i am aware that he has a right to know, right now nothing is for sure, i would also say that it would come as a huge shock to him and he thinks everything is honky dory, whereas i know its not.

if however my mum talks to me any further about it, i will ask her to maybe speak to my brother, i dont want him kept on the outside.

ogriofa

stickysituation wrote: »

... my brother is a "head" person if that makes any sense, he's not great with the emotional side of things.

... i would also say that it would come as a huge shock to him and he thinks everything is honky dory, whereas i know its not.

... if however my mum talks to me any further about it, i will ask her to maybe speak to my brother, i dont want him kept on the outside.

This seems like a very good approach, fair play

niallon

Seamus has actually made a very good point that I'd forgotten of my own experience. My best source of consolation and advice in ym own circumstances was one of my best friends, a completely neutral party to the situation yet also someone who would not judge me or think anything of what I said except listen. You said you hadn't told your long term partner, has this changed? The worst thing that could happen to you is for you to let this take a toll on you and as a result to do damage to your relationship with him also. Maybe this is someone to talk to first, testing the waters so to speak. See how it feels to say it out loud to someone and you'll know better where to progress from there.

LegacyUser

i told by bf, and it was a relief to get it off my chest, he's a very good listener. he agreed that it would be best not to tell my brother, let my parents do it or if things get very bad then maybe tell him myself.
thanks everyone for your advice