Advice on Dating Websites

desolate sun

Hi, I've been single for many years. I kind of got used to it. I hoped to go away to London this year and thought I might meet someone over there. But my plans fell through and I am here for the time being.

I suppose I had an unhealthy view of relationships that made me avoid them. I was hurt so many times that I felt pursuing a relationship just wasn't worth it.

I was happy being single. I do my own thing, travel when I want, have lots of interests. I suppose being on my own for so long has made me fiercely independent. Apart from sex I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything.

But lately I have been questioning my status quo. I found out at Christmas that my brother who has also been single for years met a girl online and they are besotted with each other.
One of my eternally single girlfriends just announced that she met a guy a few weeks ago and she feels he is very special.

I am also turning 35 at the end of this month and this is making me look at things.

My problem is I don't really go out drinking. I tend to save up my money to go travelling or to go to gigs in Dublin/abroad. I've done all the hobbies/evening classes thing and while I don't actually go to meet people, it's never really happened.

Any guys I meet that I'm actually interested in, end up being married.

I watched the Late Late Show last Friday and I found it reassuring (if not worrying) that there are other 30+somethings out there in the same predicament. The only difference is they are doing something about it and I'm not!

So I am thinking about the online dating thing. I know it's way more acceptable nowadays and in fact it's THE way to meet people in places like London but I still feel kind of funny about it.

I once worked in a place where one of my colleagues looked up a dating website "for the craic" to see who was on it that she knew! She didnt want to meet anyone, she just wanted to be nosey. The town I live in has such a small town mentality and I really don't want people knowing my business.

What would people suggest? Should I go onto a website where you pay so only genuine people will be able to see your profile?
I am ambivalent about this and need advice!

kjl

desolate sun wrote: »

Hi, I've been single for many years. I kind of got used to it. I hoped to go away to London this year and thought I might meet someone over there. But my plans fell through and I am here for the time being.

I suppose I had an unhealthy view of relationships that made me avoid them. I was hurt so many times that I felt pursuing a relationship just wasn't worth it.

I was happy being single. I do my own thing, travel when I want, have lots of interests. I suppose being on my own for so long has made me fiercely independent. Apart from sex I didn't feel like I was missing out on anything.

But lately I have been questioning my status quo. I found out at Christmas that my brother who has also been single for years met a girl online and they are besotted with each other.
One of my eternally single girlfriends just announced that she met a guy a few weeks ago and she feels he is very special.

I am also turning 35 at the end of this month and this is making me look at things.

My problem is I don't really go out drinking. I tend to save up my money to go travelling or to go to gigs in Dublin/abroad. I've done all the hobbies/evening classes thing and while I don't actually go to meet people, it's never really happened.

Any guys I meet that I'm actually interested in, end up being married.

I watched the Late Late Show last Friday and I found it reassuring (if not worrying) that there are other 30+somethings out there in the same predicament. The only difference is they are doing something about it and I'm not!

So I am thinking about the online dating thing. I know it's way more acceptable nowadays and in fact it's THE way to meet people in places like London but I still feel kind of funny about it.

I once worked in a place where one of my colleagues looked up a dating website "for the craic" to see who was on it that she knew! She didnt want to meet anyone, she just wanted to be nosey. The town I live in has such a small town mentality and I really don't want people knowing my business.

What would people suggest? Should I go onto a website where you pay so only genuine people will be able to see your profile?
I am ambivalent about this and need advice!

Ive had nothing but bad experiences on them personally, in the last 2 weeks ive have met 3 419 scammers trying to get my credit card details, so my advice would be AVOID

Mozart1986

Maybe the fact that you find yourself being attracted to married men is a symptom of being afraid of the prospect of a relationship and the significant element of vulnerability it brings. Some people are so needy, willing to be seen as vulnerable and craving of a relationship that they scare people off because they are hard to respect, and respect, for most people, is an imperative. You may be on the opposite extreme. You might have trust issues regarding people in general, or just men. I use dating sites, I've recently had more luck with them, as they have their complex of norms and standards and ways of communicating. I hope that if you use them you will give them a few months and not expect your ideal man to sweep you off your feet after a few weeks. Maybe your ideal man is not someone you would expect him to be, since you may have been too cautious and defensive to give a lad a chance and get to know him "warts & all".

I hope that doesn't sound too critical, its honestly meant as friendly, but candid advice. Goodluck:)

Mozart1986

kjl wrote: »

Ive had nothing but bad experiences on them personally, in the last 2 weeks ive have met 3 419 scammers trying to get my credit card details, so my advice would be AVOID

Thats crazy, I've been on a number of them for months and nothing like that has happened. Thats so crazy that I doubt the truth of it.

desolate sun

Mozart1986 wrote: »

Maybe the fact that you find yourself being attracted to married men is a symptom of being afraid of the prospect of a relationship and the significant element of vulnerability it brings.

I am NOT attracted to married men. Perhaps my original post wasnt clear.
What I mean is if I meet a strange man and get chatting to them and I find attractive, it is then that I see the wedding ring. In other words he is not available, which is common for 30+year olds. I would NEVER pursue a married man.

Mozart1986 wrote: »

Some people are so needy, willing to be seen as vulnerable and craving of a relationship that they scare people off because they are hard to respect, and respect, for most people, is an imperative.

I am not needy. Surely that's obvious in my post? I am fiercely independent and can operate extremely well on my own. But lately I feel I am missing out on a relationship because I have a lot to give another person.

You might have trust issues regarding people in general, or just men.

Yes I did have trust issues but I am willing to give someone a chance now. I have the attitude now that if I meet someone and it doesnt work out, it's not the end of the world.

I use dating sites

Can I ask you which ones you've used? Thanks

LegacyUser

Mozart1986 wrote: »

Maybe your ideal man is not someone you would expect him to be, since you may have been too cautious and defensive to give a lad a chance and get to know him "warts & all".

Sorry to sound shallow but does that mean that the guys on these websites arent that attractive?

Mozart1986

desolate sun wrote: »

I am NOT attracted to married men. Perhaps my original post wasnt clear.
What I mean is if I meet a strange man and get chatting to them and I find attractive, it is then that I see the wedding ring. In other words he is not available, which is common for 30+year olds. I would NEVER pursue a married man.

That might be how it seems, but you are ignoring the fact that married men, of whatever age, will act differently, in a very general sense, than unmarried men. Lets say an unmarried man is a bit of a sexual predator or a player, whatever your vernacular. This will register with a woman immediately, and she will either be intrigued, excited, wary or defensive, despite the fact that none of this is made explicit in what she or he says. Now, take a different sort of unmarried man. This man might be paternal, sensitive, nice, friendly, polite, but in an obvious but unmentionable sense, slightly submissive, and therefore difficult to find attractive the way a woman might find an alpha male attractive. A woman might also feel cynical about the niceness of that type of guy, because she might view him as more self-interested than he actually is. Now, take a married man. He has no interest in you sexually because he is sexually fulfilled in a happy marriage (for arguments sake). Therefore, he can be himself and refuses to fit into either predictable category because you can respect him without feeling that his intentions are too invasive. So, while you wouldn't pursue a married man, you might be attracted to married men because of specific trust issues that you have, rather than the law of averages because you're 30+.

That was my point. i wasn't accusing you of intentionally pursuing married men, just that married men are more attractive to you because they are more able to be themselves and their intentions towards you don't colour or alter their behaviour around you.

I am not needy. Surely that's obvious in my post? I am fiercely independent and can operate extremely well on my own. But lately I feel I am missing out on a relationship because I have a lot to give another person.

I didn't say you were needy, surely that was obvious from my post. I merely used it as an example or a measure in order to better explain my impression of you. I also used it as an example of why you might find it difficult to meet men, because if they come off as needy you might not respect them. But your defensiveness is notable. I mean, why jump to the worst conclusion, as if I were trying to be irrationally critical?

Yes I did have trust issues but I am willing to give someone a chance now. I have the attitude now that if I meet someone and it doesnt work out, it's not the end of the world.

Thats a good attitude, but it sounds like you always have had that attitude, since you described yourself as very solitary and independant. It seems like you should go a little, just a little, in the opposite direction and make a point of getting to know someone. Don't be so defensive, as you have been with me. I wasn't trying to offend.

Can I ask you which ones you've used? Thanks

I used the free ones, but I'd recommend that you use the pay sites like maybefriends.com. I can't remember the names but there are other ones. Have a look at the previous threads. I'm sure there was one a couple of weeks ago that listed them.

aidan24326

desolate sun wrote: »

I once worked in a place where one of my colleagues looked up a dating website "for the craic" to see who was on it that she knew! She didnt want to meet anyone, she just wanted to be nosey. The town I live in has such a small town mentality and I really don't want people knowing my business.

On the pay sites people generally can't check out your profile unless they're also a paid-up member, so you might be better off sticking to those. But really who cares anyway? Using dating sites has become alot more acceptable nowadays, the day of it being something like a last refuge for desperados is long gone. I haven't used them myself but I know people that have and have heard mostly positive things i.e it will be a bit of fun anyway whether or not something more meaningful develops from it. So I would just ignore that post from kjl about Nigerian scammers, you'll probably get some timewasters and chancers on every dating site but I doubt if any reputable site allows themselves to be an outlet for that sort of thing.

desolate sun

Mozart1986 wrote: »

just that married men are more attractive to you because they are more able to be themselves and their intentions towards you don't colour or alter their behaviour around you.

You're reading way too much into this. I was talking about initial attraction as in talking to a new person for 5 minutes (and obviously physical attraction comes into it). It just so happens they were married.

I didn't say you were needy, surely that was obvious from my post.

It wasnt. You brought up neediness and I didn't know who were referring to because your post wasn't very clear. I was stating for the record that I wasnt needy and I can't see how this was defensive. The "needy" word was mentioned by you, I was hardly jumping to the worst conclusion!

Thats a good attitude, but it sounds like you always have had that attitude, since you described yourself as very solitary and independant. It seems like you should go a little, just a little, in the opposite direction and make a point of getting to know someone.

I wasn't always so independent as I am now. I think the years I've been on my own has made me more independent.

vicecreamsundae

you should definitely give dating websites a chance -why not?

it's funny, a few months ago i was trying to get my friend to go on one because he wanted to meet someone. he wouldnt sign up so i signed up instead so we could do a nosey search. i wasn't actually looking to meet someone, but i came across one guy who just caught my eye..messaged him, we added each other on facebook, chatted a little and then hung out and things went super well!

anyway when it comes to internet dating you really have nothing to lose.
remember that as a woman, you are going to get LOADS of messages and yes the majority will be from guys who havent even read your profile, just saying stuff like "hey baby, wanna meet up?", especially on the free sites but don't be put off by all the weeding you have to do, there are decent guys out there too. though you could probably cut a lot of that out if you paid a subscription to one of the premium sites like match.com

once you exchange a couple messages with someone you seem to click with, arrange a real date, so that you don't find yourself getting into monthlong email rships that amount to nothing.
good luck and have fun!

Victor

datingdating wrote: »

Sorry to sound shallow but does that mean that the guys on these websites arent that attractive?

I think it means that you will have a variety of people - not all will look like George Clooney / current hunk of the month.

stephen_n

I know people who have met their current partners online and also people who have had disasters. Be warned there are alot of married men on them by all accounts. They seem to work well though as you can get a bit of an idea of what people are like before you even think about meeting them. I would say what have you got to loose but it may tkae 3-6 months before finding the right one!

LegacyUser

Id be similiar to you OP. Very independent and up until recently I always said I'd never try internet dating. The way I saw it was, if I didnt meet somebody through my every day life then so be it (always thinking in the back of my mind that I would meet somebody though). But I havent met anybody and Im literally the last man standing at this stage. I dont mind being single most of the time, I love the freedom. Sometimes I see couples struggling through shopping centres with their kids hanging out of them and I think to myself, damn Im so lucky thats not me. And my friends just seem to be constantly stressed out about or pissed off at their girlfriends/wives/kids.
But sometimes it can be difficult when, like I said, youre the only single person left out of everybody you know. Its natural enough to feel kind of out of the loop. So I have to admit that recently thoughts of internet dating have entered my head. Not sure if I'll actually go through with it though. Seems very non-organic or forced, kind of like the x-factor. The thoughts of parading myself on the internet seems a bit undignified and desperate aswell. Like some kind of human meat market. Plus I dont know anybody who met their other half on the internet, not even a freind of a friend type of thing. So Im always thinking that it wont be necessary, that if everybody I know got hooked up in the real world then thats the way its gonna be for me. And if not, if doesnt happen then I'll have to live with that.
Sorry OP I know that I just hijacked your thread and what I said is completely useless to you. Although its good to know that there are others in the same boat I suppose.

Mozart1986

You're reading way too much into this. I was talking about initial attraction as in talking to a new person for 5 minutes (and obviously physical attraction comes into it). It just so happens they were married.

Initial attraction is what I was talking about. When you first meet someone, in the first 5 minutes, there are millions of signals, intimations and assumptions made that form our impressions of them, which includes how attractive we find them. This is not just based on some bone-structure/physique or other superficial characteristics its actually much more complex than that, and its very culturally informed. Think about how different types of women were considered desirable in different times, as shown by art.

So your attraction to married men could be based on how they carry themselves rather than just a random coincidence. Thats almost certain actually.

If you're too lazy to read or consider good advice then fine, but I'm not over-thinking anything. You'll probably just remain stuck in your circular thought processes until you do give the issue due consideration.

It wasnt. You brought up neediness and I didn't know who were referring to because your post wasn't very clear. I was stating for the record that I wasnt needy and I can't see how this was defensive. The "needy" word was mentioned by you, I was hardly jumping to the worst conclusion!

Sorry, I don't read words without reading the sentences they belong to. If you had done that you'd have seen that I didn't say that you were needy, but it was an example meant to provide perspective. Maybe it was silly and unnecessary, but who cares, thats just how I write/think. You are definitely being defensive if, when you see the word "needy" you automatically assume that a person is calling you needy. That is the definition of defensiveness.

And having a clear mind and a considered thought process is not over-thinking things. Thats just something people say when they don't want to think about something thoroughly. Granted, I might be wrong, but we all make guestimates and I've good reasons and experience of to presume my assumptions were correct. Obviously you don't have to accept them, it was just friendly advice.

Birdsong

Hi Op,

I too am single female, just 36 & this time last year I joined a dating website. While I still haven't met the love of my life I have had a good time looking, and was with one guy for about 6 weeks - good time too.

My 2 cents worth, join a website that you have to pay for, if somebody has to pay a good chance they are serious about it. Don't take it personally if someone does not respond to your message - it happens & you won't respond to all you get either.

Don't message for too long, meet up sooner rather than later - the only way to see if there is a spark, a person can write fabulous message & you might not just fancy them or they can't string a sentence together in real life.

There a idiots on-line just like there are idiots in your local pub on a Saturday night, the same way there is some lovely men too, worth giving a chance too.

Think about it as a way of connecting with the opposite sex, people have being doing it for hundreds of years, with match makers, arranged marrages etc. my aunt met her husband through a small ad 40 years ago. The internet is just the way of connecting for the 21st centurary. You still have to meet the person, see do you fancy them,kiss them etc - the internet can't do that for you:)

desolate sun

unreg030310 wrote: »

forced, kind of like the x-factor. The thoughts of parading myself on the internet seems a bit undignified and desperate aswell. Like some kind of human meat market.

last night I had a look at one of these dating websites and you know that's exactly the thoughts that were running through my head!
So you haven't hijacked the thread at all!

I, like you still have some faith that I can meet someone in the real world!

Aurora Borealis

Does the 21st century real world not include multimedia communication?

LegacyUser

Aurora Borealis wrote: »

Does the 21st century real world not include multimedia communication?

I suppose it does and it seems like a reasonable enough argument in favor of internet dating. But what I think it comes down to is whatever youre comfortable with. If the OP isnt comfortable with the prospect of internet dating then I dont think she should go near it. I know a lot of folks would have no problems with Cyperdating but if its not your thing then I dont think you should try to fit a square peg into a round hole.
It also comes down to the ability to accept the worst that could happen. In this case the worst thing that could happen is that you end up alone. If that scares you enough then trying internet dating would seem like not an altogether terrible prospect in comparison. But if you can accept the worst thing that could happen and not be totally freaked out or terrified by it then youre pretty much bullett proof and you wont feel like you have to resort to on-line dating. I think a lot of people try the internet out of fear of ending up alone. But thats more running away from a fear as opposed to going towards something.

Aurora Borealis

Yeah it is completely a question of what you're comfortable with. I haven't done internet dating but I do believe it as valid a form of meeting someone as other more traditional ways and not necessarily last chance saloon territory.