Fed up of Parents & their controlling behaviour

LegacyUser

Last week, I rang my Mum and told her that I was going to the doctors, she asked why didn't I book when I was on annual leave (I couldn't afford the doctors and was waiting to be paid) she kept going on and on at me, so I hung up. I just couldn't take the nagging as lately I have found that she is so judgemental of me. It appears that she just likes me to do what she wants. She appears to treat me differently than my brother & sister. I am adopted and I just feel that I am treated differently.

I have accepted what she is, she has a drink problem but won't admit it and neither will the rest of the family. I am so fed up of them, I have hardly any money and what I do have has to cover rent, bills, expenses etc so I couldn't just go to the doctor. When I hung up on Wednesday, I heard nothing till today, today, my Dad phoned basically to have a go at me and to ring Mum back to apologise. He didn't see that she did anything wrong. They are always having a go at me, whether it be decisions I make, my weight, anything really and I am fed up. I was so upset today and they really don't give a damn It was like she couldn't even pick the phone up to inquire how I was, Dad didn't even bother asking how I was feeling. I feel so upset over it all.

BluePlanet

I can empathise with your feelings but the answer is quite obvious.
Simply minimize contact with them. Don't ask them for favours or money or anything. Aim to omit them from your day-to-day existence.

They'll probably want back-in and you can dictate terms and put them in their place.

McChubbin

Dear YellowP,

I know all too well the perils of having controlling parents. What you've written in your post could very well have come from my own keyboard.
Having said that, you were in the wrong by hanging up on your mother. I can understand your reasons behind the action but by hanging up on her, she took it as a personal slight. Is it at all possible that she had no idea she was nagging you?

On many occasions, the people who are most vocal and interfering often don't realise the full extent of their words and how they make others feel.
It's possible she didn't realise how much she was upsetting you and when you hung up, she may have thought there was no justification to it.

That said, your mother sounds like the sort who will not stop until she gets her own way. My heart goes out to you-you're also getting it in the neck from your father too. I agree with Blueplanet- the only thing you can really do with people who are controlling your life is to minamize contact and gradually break free of their influence.

If they have any sense, they'll soon change their tune and try to keep you in their lives. When it coems to this, you can set your own rules, see them on YOUR terms and on YOUR conditions.

You don't say how old you are OP but there's no excuse for any parent to control their children's lives. All parents would be good to realise that that the end of the day, children can only be GUIDED-it's entirely up to the children alone if they want to walk down the path.

LegacyUser

I know I was probably wrong to hang up but I literally couldn't take any more of it. She just never gives up, she tries to wear me down all the time. For instance, I had a domestic situation where I was living and instead of trying to support me, she kept telling me to sit there and basically take it, whenever I phone her, I feel she just wants to get me off the phone as soon as possible. Another thing that has annoyed me, she has taken both my sister and brother on holidays abroad with them, I havent been away for years and sometimes I feel taken for granted, if something goes wrong with my Dad's computer or to look after the plants when they are away, I am the one they call.

Sorry, I am in my early 30's. I am the youngest in my family, I just feel very upset with how I have been treated, for instance, every time we meet, I can feel her looking at me and with a feeling that she is disgusted with my appearance (I have put weight on which I am trying to lose), I am not comfortable around them anymore.

Also I feel like it is down to me to ring them all the time, they hardly bother lifting the phone to me and then when Dad did phone earlier, he didn't even ask me what was wrong with me, what the doctor said or anything. They couldn't care less.

McChubbin

yellowp wrote: »

I know I was probably wrong to hang up but I literally couldn't take any more of it. She just never gives up, she tries to wear me down all the time. For instance, I had a domestic situation where I was living and instead of trying to support me, she kept telling me to sit there and basically take it, whenever I phone her, I feel she just wants to get me off the phone as soon as possible. Another thing that has annoyed me, she has taken both my sister and brother on holidays abroad with them, I havent been away for years and sometimes I feel taken for granted, if something goes wrong with my Dad's computer or to look after the plants when they are away, I am the one they call.

Sorry, I am in my early 30's. I am the youngest in my family, I just feel very upset with how I have been treated, for instance, every time we meet, I can feel her looking at me and with a feeling that she is disgusted with my appearance (I have put weight on which I am trying to lose), I am not comfortable around them anymore.

Also I feel like it is down to me to ring them all the time, they hardly bother lifting the phone to me and then when Dad did phone earlier, he didn't even ask me what was wrong with me, what the doctor said or anything. They couldn't care less.

*reaches out and gives cyber hug*
Sweetie, I know the feeling. I'm the youngest at 21 and I know all too well how horrible it is. Your mother sounds like a deeply unhappy woman who has to validate her existance by offloading her own misery onto others.
Is there no way to talk to them? Can you try and get them both out for lunch in a public area and relay your troubles to them?

I've had to put up with a lot of **** from judgemental family members and after many years, the only way to get them off my back was to limit visits to once every few weeks, cut them out completly or give them a taste of their own medicine.

These people are never going to stop wearing you down unless you take drastic action. The fact that they excluded you from a family holiday speaks volumes and shows that they clearly don't give two ****s about your feelings.

The only thing you can do shy of cutting all contact from these people is to play them at their own game. Do not give them an inch. If they come looking fo sympathy, for example your mother says she's feeling iffy, just respond with a cold "Yeah, and your point being?" or something to that effect.

If she gets uppity just say "Hurts, doesn't it?". If she doesn't cop on to herself after getting a dose of her own bitter medicine, she's not worth one iota of your time. If she can dish it out but can't take it then she is the one at fault, not you.

There is NO excuse for your parent's childish behavior and you are not entitled to put up with it. I know it's hard trying to maintain a relationship with them through the face of all they've put you through but really think about it- is this relationship with your parents doing you more harm than good? If all they are doing is making you feel depressed, brow-beaten and defeated then prehaps it's best that you sever all ties.

I went through the same thing with my father- he was a verbally abusive alcoholic and nothing I did would stop him from making horrific personal attacks on my physical appearence, personality and wellbeing in general. Ended up not speaking to him for 2 years and cutting him out of my life.
Although he is now sober, he is still an abrasive person and still talks down to me. Nowadays, I don't give him an inch. If he starts off on one, I tell him "Do not speak to me in such a manner. Either be civil or be silent."

If he continues, I just put the phone down or leave the room.
Yes, it will be immensely difficult to do this but stand your ground. slowly but surely they'll give up trying to envoke a reaction from you and the abuse will gradually peter out.

I feel for you, sweetie, I do but at the end of the day, you have to become tough and something of an antagonist yourself if you can ever hope to put a stop to the situation.

I'm sorry if this post sounds harsh in anyway but some people will just not respond to calm reason and common sense. I really hope everything works out for you. If you ever need to talk to someone, don't hesitate to PM me.

Your parents sound like right pieces of work. You clearly have the patience of a saint but even saints need to lay down a holy smite every once in a while. Stay strong. Stand your ground and you WILL come out the victor.

Even if it's not always obvious.