life sucks

ej1

For the first time in my life I seriously considered dying today. I thought to myself, who would actually miss me if my parents weren’t around to miss me? Certainly not my older brother who is busy making a family and looking down his nose at me. Certainly not my younger brother who is also busy rearing his own child and being a young dad to be worrying about. Today was particularly a bad day for me. I felt so very much alone. I feel I will remain alone. I have spent well over the last year alone trying to make a small business work at the expense of my social life. I no longer work with people. I work alone. I no longer get to say ‘good morning!’ to anyone. I have the easiest most fulfilling job but I miss people. I grew up moving from place to place and so my childhood friends are few and far between. I don’t believe I will ever meet anyone to care for or for them to care for me because I never meet people full stop. I try my hardest to get out and about but it’s not working. I’ve joined classes, gyms, clubs and even online dating (what a joke that was). I have finally truly given up.

I’m too tired. I really don’t want to exist anymore. Don’t get me wrong, I would ever harm myself, ever, but I just can’t stand the way things are. I meet up with my gal friends every so often and to be honest it has started to feel a bit weird. They are all attached/married and stick together with double dates etc (and girlie bitching sessions which they know I don’t enjoy participating in so therefore i become useless to share sessions with). I suddenly realize I’m not ‘one of them’. There is a part of me that says ok fine, so I’m not into that or have a bf to share with them but this (today) awful part of me wishes I was like them.

I want a man to share my life with. I’m just feeling despair today. Maybe I should give up my dream of having my own business in favor of working with people everyday? I was never overly happy in the old job but was extremely happy working with people back then. I had a fantastic social life. one part of life goes well and the other doesn’t. it’s never the two together. But I do know that I am more unhappy now than I have ever been. I just wanted the dream-my business. Looks like the universe doesn’t want me to have it all. I’m committed to my dream and I can’t change it now because I have too much invested at this point. I feel doomed to be alone because I just can’t get into situations of meeting people to just even say hello to socially. It just seems impossible (I’ve tried for the last year). I give up. The universe wins

LegacyUser

ej1 wrote: »

Maybe I should give up my dream of having my own business in favor of working with people everyday?

I was never overly happy in the old job but was extremely happy working with people back then. But I do know that I am more unhappy now than I have ever been.

I just wanted the dream-my business. I’m committed to my dream and I can’t change it now because I have too much invested at this point.

Maybe now would be a good time to really sit down and think about what would make you happy in your life. It sounds like you've come up against a wall and dont really know what to do about it. Sometimes we're so busy thinking about what we have to do and trying to keep everything from falling apart that we dont ask ourselves whether what we're holding together is actually making us happy. Believe me I know that feeling well, I have been depressed to varying degrees for the last year and a half and sometimes I have to try so hard to just get on with things that I forget to consider whether they serve me as well as they could.

It sound like your quite depressed, would you be open to visiting a doctor about this? I really recommend it if your feeling very low. Maybe seeing a counsellor might be a good idea too, it could be beneficial to talk to someone about your feelings and they might help you decipher where you could find happiness in your life?

irishdub74

At least you are making an effort with your life,you are trying something which is a gamble but it's also your dream and it shows how brave you are for having the guts to get up everyday and doing it on your own..
Don't give up on meeting someone i'm sure it will happen for you i do be the same sometimes and get obsessed thinking about "the someone" but maybe if we didn't think too much and just let it happen it might come sooner than we expect it to.