Should I break up with lazy boyfriend - PLS HELP!

disgruntled09

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 5 years, have lived together 3 and a half years and have a one year old. He's always been lazy but its really starting to get my down. For example on sat i was busy doing family related chores, he stayed in bed half the day and the rest he spent online. Sun i spent cleaning the house, he spent the morning in bed and then went out to watch football. This morning i did more cleaning and he's ... guess where .. still in bed! I am at the end of my tether!!

Since the baby was born 18 months ago he has gotten up with her around 4 or 5 times. Otherwise i've done all the early mornings. I also did all the night feeds etc, hes never even bathed her and i could count the amount of times hes put her to bed on my hands!!

As for DIY around the house, like getting blood from a stone!

I have tried to change him, we had a good talk a few weeks ago and i told him exactly how i felt and i actually got excited because he seemed to really take it on board and i thought things were going to be so different. Unfortunately though not much has changed at all :mad:

My question is .. what would you do if you were me. i feel i am only staying here because its what i know and because of our daughter. We're not even 30, dont think i could go on for another 5 years like this never mind the rest of my life!

Please help, all advice welcome & needed!

LegacyUser

disgruntled09 wrote: »

Please help, all advice welcome & needed!

Go away for at least a weekend, with little or no notice. Leave him and your daughter and get a rest!

Stheno

Do either or both of you work OP?

You need to sit down with him and work out a rota, and if he can't stick to that then you need to reconsider.

gavney1

Hey OP,

I've never lived with someone I'm in a relationship with

But I've had plenty of housemates in the past, a couple of them messy

I've found the best way to do it is to just say it to them straight out.

Don't shout or get angry - cause he'll probably just think (unfairly)
"oh, she's having another hissy fit".

I tried the tactic a few times of keeping the place ridiculously clean, so that the housemates would maybe follow my example. That doesn't work - they don't seem to notice.

Also, leaving hints and clues isn't going to work. You have to just say it straight to him. Say he's not pulling his weight, and it's insulting to you, you feel like his slave. But do this without sounding preachy or moany, cause if you do, he'll just think that you're secretly angry about something else

Bottle_of_Smoke

If its the only issue I don't tihnk you should walk away quite so easily. And I'd still say that if you didn't have a child.

You've been reasonable and done the right thing with talking to him.

Do you make his food or wash his clothes? If you do I'd stop immediately. Do tell him beforehand though, would be a bit bitchy if he had no clothes for work because he was depending on a set precedent.

If he gets annoyed re-affirm how you feel about being the houseslave and tell him he's going to have to pitch in.

kjl

I noticed that you picked the weekend to highlight his laziness, but you didn't mention if he had a job or not. If he doesn't have a job then there is no excuse. If he does, you could cut him a little extra slack, I'm sure he gives you money.

Give us more details, we cant tell you if you should break up with someone based on those details alone

as for sunflower27's advice, I would strongly recommend you don't listen to it, if being lazy is the only complaint you have of father of you child, I would say it would not be worth it to break up.

LegacyUser

Was in your shoes not too long ago. My suggestion is write a letter to him pointing out everything you feel. Tell him what you feel he should be doing and basically what you want from him. If you feel its right, tell him your ready to call it a day if he doesn't get his finger out. It worked and things are now great, does still slip a little bit every now and again but I'm able for it. I don't get help with the housework though as I still live with my parents as we cant afford to live together.

Unfortunately some men are lazy. Some women are too but when your a mother you cant really afford to be anymore. Same goes for fathers! He SHOULD have gotten up a hell of a lot more, jesus I don't know how you lasted this long. After you write the letter to him, then try discuss it once he knows how you're feeling. Then you need to set up a rota, you don't have to stick to it by the minute but make sure you get your break. If he works then every Saturday he takes your child in the morning for you to either get a lie in or go to town meet friends or whatever. If he doesnt work then every second day you get a lie in. If he doesn't work it has to be 50/50 imo. And he should be doing a hell of a lot more!!

If you tell him all this, how you feel, what you want etc and he still doesnt change then its time to think more about it but give him a chance. show him how serious you feel and that hes really letting you down. Its a fathers job to support a mother and at the moment hes not supporting you. But your not alone in this situation, I read alot of stories like yours as I was seeking advice when I was in your situation. Hope its all works out for you!

disgruntled09

Hi everyone, OP here thank you for all your advice and sorry for missing some details!

We both work 4 day weeks, i am off every monday while his day off changes from week to week. When he is off any other day i go to work and still bring our baby to my mother to mind and he stays in bed and does what he wants.

I used to make all the dinners which i have now stopped but i do still wash all of his clothes.

On top of our own baby he has another child from a previous relationship. This child stays over one night of the weekend and because i get up with the baby i also have to get breakfast etc for his other child while he sleeps.

I held back a little on the truth so in answer to those who asked if his laziness is my only problem the answer is no! Not long before we had our baby i found out that there was something going on between him and his ex (mother of other child). She got jealous when she found out we were having a baby. For some reason i didnt want him to leave and would have done anything for him to stay so i put up with him going to her house for hours, finding i love you texts between them on his phone etc. This went on until our baby was 6 months old when apparently she gave him an ultimatum and he "chose" me! This was when the anger started to kick in and things like his laziness and what he had done with his ex finally started to sink and and get to me:mad:

Taltos

Just because he "chose" you does not mean you have to live with it.

Seems like you both really need to have that "Come to Jebus" talk - and have it soon. The longer this goes on - the harder it will be to find a way back from the edge of breaking up.

Not saying you should stay together - only you know that. But would recommend sitting him down and being totally honest.

1. On his day off kid to your mom - oh come on...
2. His kid stays over and he stays in bed - wake up...
3. You do ALL the housework - gotta change that
4. His odd relationship with the EX - think this is the nugget here - either work on this together / seek counselling or it will never be dealt with properly and in yrs to come could end up poisoning what you have...

disgruntled09

he thinks there is nothing wrong with his relationship with his ex i think things have gone to far between us to ever recover. i dont think i can ever forgive him for what he did, not while shes still in his life anyway and everytime he goes there i wonder whats going on. he might also resent me because he felt he had to choose me? maybe he really wanted to go back to her??

LegacyUser

Hi OP - if it came to it, would you be alright by yourself (ie you and your baby)? Financially etc?... How much upheavel would happen if you did leave him? There is broken trust, as well as alot of disrespect (from him toward you) - this will get worse. Get away from him for a while, (even on a week away with your daughter) and let him fester by himself - or would you be less inclined to do this (with regard to the distrust you have of him being around his ex?)

disgruntled09

I actually worked out my finances this morning and think we would be fine, i have a pretty good job, would just have to tighten up a little but definitely affordable. Wouldnt be much upheavel either, certainly wouldnt bother me or make me want to stay in any way.

I agree with you, the lack of respect really gets to me, the way he speaks to me sometimes is horrible. The last while the fighting has got so bad that we ignore each other more often than we get on.

To be honest i dont care as much about what he does with his ex anymore. Beforehand i would have always been watching the time, wondering what was happening, when he'd get home .. now if i'm sitting at home i do wonder why hes so long but it doesnt make me upset like it used to. The thoughts of them two getting back together used to absolutely kill me but now i think i'd actually feel sorry for her if they did because i feel she'd be lumbered with him!

shellyboo

disgruntled09 wrote: »

he might also resent me because he felt he had to choose me? maybe he really wanted to go back to her??

OP, where's your choice in all this? Don't think that this man "choosing" you is some great gift to you.

You can do a whole lot better than someone who doesn't care enough to help out caring for his own children. He has his other child one day a week and can't even get his arse out of bed to make the child breakfast? That's disgusting. Seriously. I'm horrified.

Leave him.

disgruntled09

shellyboo wrote: »

Don't think that this man "choosing" you is some great gift to you.

Dont worry i dont think its some great gift, i think he does though!

Dont get me wrong, if i wasnt there or wasnt getting up or something he would get his child breakfast (then he'd go straight back to bed). Its just that he wont get off his a** and do something unless he absolutely has to.

shellyboo

disgruntled09 wrote: »

Dont worry i dont think its some great gift, i think he does though!

Dont get me wrong, if i wasnt there or wasnt getting up or something he would get his child breakfast (then he'd go straight back to bed). Its just that he wont get off his a** and do something unless he absolutely has to.

Oh I get that he wouldn't let the child starve... but do you not think that on the ONE day he has his child, he would get up and make it (him? her?) breakfast? Be a Daddy to the kid? Instead of leaving (no offence) a practical stranger to do it? Honestly... it's shocking. What a waster.

disgruntled09

I agree, by the time he gets up and ready its 1 or 2 in the afternoon, think he could use his time a bit better to do something with her. He's so selfish and you're right he is a waster :mad:

disgruntled09

I think the only thing keeping me there at this stage is fear of telling my family and friends and also feeling like a failure because my relationship didnt work. Also i feel so bad on our daughter, i'm sure she'd rather have us together (obviously not the way things are now but if we were happy like we used to be)

Cheap Thrills!

disgruntled09 wrote: »

Hi everyone, OP here thank you for all your advice and sorry for missing some details!

We both work 4 day weeks, i am off every monday while his day off changes from week to week. When he is off any other day i go to work and still bring our baby to my mother to mind and he stays in bed and does what he wants.

I used to make all the dinners which i have now stopped but i do still wash all of his clothes.

On top of our own baby he has another child from a previous relationship. This child stays over one night of the weekend and because i get up with the baby i also have to get breakfast etc for his other child while he sleeps.

I held back a little on the truth so in answer to those who asked if his laziness is my only problem the answer is no! Not long before we had our baby i found out that there was something going on between him and his ex (mother of other child). She got jealous when she found out we were having a baby. For some reason i didnt want him to leave and would have done anything for him to stay so i put up with him going to her house for hours, finding i love you texts between them on his phone etc. This went on until our baby was 6 months old when apparently she gave him an ultimatum and he "chose" me! This was when the anger started to kick in and things like his laziness and what he had done with his ex finally started to sink and and get to me:mad:

Dump him without further delay.

He is nothing but a parasite.

Don't enable him to use you for one minute longer.

Taltos

Many of us have had relationships that don't work.
Your family might surprise you - possibly they will be thrilled and proud as hell that you gave this big baby the heave-ho.

I know when my sis dumped her porn addicted hubbie - never felt so proud in all my life.

Never be afraid of what others think - care more about you - will you be just as happy in 10 yrs cleaning up after this sloth? Think forwards and if you don't like what you see change it... One way or another.

aidan24326

OP, sorry to be a little harsh but this is partly your own fault. You have facilitated his laziness and now he treats it as the norm. He wouldn't get away with murder if you didn't allow him to. Yes he is a selfish lazy bastard, but you have allowed yourself to be his doormat. If I was you I wouldn't be allowing that to continue any longer. People will say 'talk it through' , 'have counselling' and all of that, but unfortunately he probably won't change as it sounds like he doesn't respect you anyway. It also sounds from everything you've posted that he's a spoilt lazy mammy's boy and those leopards rarely change their spots.

disgruntled09

aidan24326 wrote: »

OP, sorry to be a little harsh but this is partly your own fault. You have facilitated his laziness and now he treats it as the norm. He wouldn't get away with murder if you didn't allow him to. Yes he is a selfish lazy bastard, but you have allowed yourself to be his doormat.

You're right, i have allowed him to be like this and it didnt really used to bother me. We both used to laze around when we had no baby but when you have a baby things change and you have to change with them, i did but he didnt! He just wants to please himself and do whatever he wants to do!

aidan24326

disgruntled09 wrote: »

You're right, i have allowed him to be like this and it didnt really used to bother me. We both used to laze around when we had no baby but when you have a baby things change and you have to change with them, i did but he didnt! He just wants to please himself and do whatever he wants to do!

That's the crux of your problem really. He wants to have his cake and eat it, so to speak, to have a child without actually having to look after it, to have you around but still live the life of a free and easy bachelor boy when it suits him.

Only you can decide if the relationship is worth working on. If you think it is, then tell him in no uncertain terms how p1ssed off you are, and be firm and deadly serious, that you can't continue in a relationship with him unless he starts helping you out alot more than he currently is, and starts taking a bit of responsibility for his daughter and for his relationship with you. If he honestly loves you it might just be a kick up the arse to get him to genuinely try and change his ways. After that if the next few weeks go by and he's still not making any effort, you'll know he doesn't really give a sh1t and at that stage I'd be reaching for the red card tbh. Then no-one could say you didn't try.