Had enough of my brother's anger but don't want to cut him off

Anon_IRL.Joe

Hi. I feel like I'm closing in on a crossroads with my brother. He's a great guy and for the most part, we get along very well but over the last few years, we've had some bad arguments where a couple times, it became physical where he pushed me hard. He's older than me so I wasn't really sure how to handle it. I was taken aback because it never reached that level before so I just sat there (there was a chair behind me so I fell on it).

From that point on, I had difficulty in speaking with him. He apologised later and I told him that I forgive him but the feeling is still there since I reacted to him today. The thing is though is that whenever we argue, he still does some wild things. He hasn't pushed me since but he still really loses the head by sometimes throwing things.

Over the last couple years, I grew older and I'm out of my teens now so whenever we'd argue, I'd suppress my anger or emotions to try and cool him down. There'd be a few times when he'd be clearly in the wrong but I'd just apologise to cool him down because my dad would get very upset whenever we argued. I'm not trying to say I'm the innocent victim because I said or did some stupid things before.

Anyway, today, we had another one of those arguments. It started out as a civilised discussion. I wanted to do pursue something and I needed my dad to help support me and there wasn't any real other way but the money wasn't there and it was something that I had been very passionate about since I was very young so he was trying to make me feel better.

I explained to him how much it meant to me and how strongly I felt about it to the point of having a couple breakdowns last year. So he came over to me to put his hand on my shoulder to comfort me. He shaked my shoulder and it just triggered off in my head and I said "don't push me" and gave him a funny look. He then pulled the hood of my hoodie up on my head. I got really angry then but just stood there quietly. I told him to move on and we'd just get back to what we were talking about but he insisted to talk about why I said what I said.

Anyway, he lost it and he said that I should apologise for misinterpreting his gesture. I was fuming at this point thinking to myself "I'm feeling like crap and I didn't do anything wrong if it triggered something in me but I'm made out to be the big bad wolf". Especially, when he pulled my hood up as well. I apologised anyway because I was wrong to interpret it that way but he turned it around to be about him how he's really angry that he got the way he did and completely ignored how I was feeling.

I shut off my feeling for then anyway like before to try and cool things down. He went off and about ten or fifteen minutes later, he came over and apologised for the way he acted. He did this a lot before (get furious then come back later and apologise). This time though, he said he'd only offer his opinion abstractly in future and leave it at that to avoid discussions getting the way he did.

I can appreciate that he's trying to rectify things but he's done it so much that I've grown sick of it so although we get along well otherwise, I try to constantly tell myself not to discuss things with him but it inevitably happens.

I know it sounds like I'm making too big deal of it since we get along otherwise but its just everytime this happens, I get more and more frustrated and I'm worried that one time I'll just snap and we'll get into a proper fight and both of us or one of us will get hurt. He goaded me before to punch him but I will one time if this goes on.

So what should I do?

Kevster

You said earlier that you 'reacted' [to his behaviour], but the trick is to not react at all. that's easier said than done - I know - and I acknowledge the fact that you've tried to 'suppress' your anger/frustration too. However, you're only suppressing it, and - yes - this might only result in you 'snapping' some day, and therefore doing something you might regret afterwards. What you should try to do is accept that your brother is his own person. You have no morale objective to be a super friend to him, but you should at least try to accomodate his behaviour and never let it affect you.

You don't have to let him 'infiltrate' your life; you don't have to be nice to him; and what you must never do is let yourself let him get to you.

Kevin

Ickle Magoo

Hang on...

Your brother tried to comfort you by doing a bit of macho shoulder grab and you threw it back in his face & gave him a look, so he pulled your hoodie over your head....and then you had an argument?

I don't want to belittle your issue but seriously, it sounds like a million days I had at home with my sibling - I hope there is more to it if you are considering cutting him off for pushing you - gasp, onto a seat - or pulling your hoodie up?!

You don't say what age you are but you sound like you are at that horrible stage when you really need your own space but aren't quite able to get it. Hang on in there, try and give your brother a wide berth if he's annoying you but seriously, there are people out there getting the shít kicked out of them - try and put things in perspective.

fitz0

Find an outlet for your frustration and anger. I found kickboxing very helpful in relieving any tension I had.


TBH I agree with Ickle Magoo in that it sounds like a typical family situation with older brothers. Both need space and neither can really get it living in the same house. If I were you Id try to get out of the house by joining a club and engaging with it as much as possible.

Anon_IRL.Joe

I understand that my relationship with him is a lot better than a lot of other people with their siblings. The thing is though, although we talk and joke sometimes when we're not having any arguments, I can feel a constant uneasy atmosphere. He says that he doesn't feel there is anything wrong but I'm basing it on how we used to be before we went through that bad phase and now.

There have been a few other factors outside of it. We both share the same passion in what we want to do and we have both been involved in national competitions for it. The first competition we were involved in, I had the upper hand for most of it and then in the last part, he was doing much better than I was but there was some sort of strange mishap near the end (not his own fault) so I won it. Before the competition, we were both looking at the prize as a team since if whoever won, would take the other guy along for the trip but since then, he'd say things like we were competing against each other so I found it strange and felt a little uncomfortable because it was a great experience and now it felt tainted like it was a rivalry. As for another competition, I won it as well. The difference this time though was that we both did our best but I just ended up with the upper hand. I feel that this affected his confidence but I constantly tell him that it is because I just have more experience than him and gave him examples of situations where we'd both be on equal ground or he'd do better. Something that I am certain of is that the main reason why I was coming out on top is because of my experience. Although he is older than me, he hasn't spent as much time as I have so my experience was a huge help.

I know it just sounds like a classic case of a sibling rivalry. I think the reason why I felt uncomfortable about it was because I took pride in the idea that we both could acted as a team so the realisation that it wasn't about that anymore made me feel confused. The strange thing is though is that whenever we see the other guy doing a mistake or not doing something quite right, we'd tell each other about it to improve ourselves. So because of my experience, now, most of the time, I'm the one advising him on how to do things better rather than the opposite like it had been before but he would often remark with a frustrated tone that the difference in practice and experience between us would make it unfair for me to expect to do the things I do. I can appreciate that because I know it took me time to learn things but the difference was in the logic. His attitude was play safe and not do any techniques which would require time to properly execute. I believe that if someone does something and they may have a lot of experience, its better to try and replicate that thing because it would offer a great advantage overall.

We both have similair ambitions of taking our passion to international levels. Because I'm younger, I would have a stronger chance at it than he would so this would be another factor to why he may feel a little bitter towards me. Although he says he's ok with me going for it, I know that once I do get into it, things will be different. To be honest, I feel that if things do change between us, it would be something for him to deal with and not my problem. I'm not saying that I want to sacrifice my relationship with him for it but its unfair to hold myself back because he may feel bad about it.

Ickle Magoo

Don't hold yourself back for anyone, do the best you can regardless - other people will just have to learn to deal with being less successful than you if that's how things pan out. Could anyone in your family mediate between you if you sat down and talking things out and tried to clear the air?

I think most people reach a point that others in the familial home are getting them down or bugging them or having a detrimental affect on their life, that's why we leave home. Once out the family home it is much easier to have open and honest discussions and establish your own life without having to shoulder the nonsense that comes with living at home.

Best of luck!

Anon_IRL.Joe

Well, there is no real mediator. My dad is constantly worried that we'll fight since he pounces quick to say for us to stop but he never tried sitting us down to sort it all out. Most of the time, my sister acts like she's in a world of her own. He and I are mature enough to sort it out properly and I repeatedly said a few times yesterday when we were arguing that we're going to resolve our issues there and then because he was trying to leave because he wanted each of us to cool off for a while. We didn't in the end as he was persistent to leave but I'm going to try again today. Hopefully, since there won't be any arguing to start with, we can talk it out properly. If that doesn't work then I just feel that I'll need to keep minimal contact with him.