Shocked - don't know what to do

LegacyUser

hi

i looged onto my facebook account yesterday and saw i had one new friend request and one new message (not a wall comment, a private message) and it was from my dad.

i have never met my dad, i don't know much/anything about him. i have never mentioned him to my mum and she has never mentioned him to me, as far as i was concerned, i didn't have a dad. now, i'm not stupid i know how babies are made and obviously i do have a dad, just a non-existent dad, if you understand.

i froze when i saw the message and didn't know what to do, so i looked at my mum and looked back at the monitor a few times and she came over and read the message and just said 'i will explain later', she didn't explain later (i made sure at all times we were never alone together, as to be honest, i was shocked and didn't want to know anything, i just wanted to let the message sink in).

all evening, i sat in front of the computer and didnt say much, i was shaking slightly from the shock. i felt slightly nauseous after reading the message, it was the shock.

i was brought up by my mum with help from other family members. i have no siblings/step-dad.

i googled his (dad) name and i find our where he works and what he works at. also through some photos he uploaded on his facebook, i saw some comments from two people with the same surname as him, and they look like him, and i look kinda like them (same skin tone, similar hair colours, same shape mouth/teeth etc) so i think i could have two half-siblings, and maybe even more that i don't know about, i could even have a step-mum that i dont know about. i couldnt view their friends lists as they are kept private. i waited until everyone was in bed before i did the searching and made sure to delete the search history afterwards.

my mum said not to tell anyone as she doesnt want anyone knowing that he is my dad etc

since she/we first saw/read the message, neither of us have spoken about it.

tbh, i don't know if i want to contact him, i'm still so shocked, to be totally honest, i didnt think i'd ever hear form him, and certainly not on facebook. but then, i dont know if he has any contact details (house address/email address, phone number etc) so facebook was probably the only way he could contact me.

oddly enough i read my star-sign online before i checked my facebook, and it said something about a spiritual revelation, i thought it was a load of balls (i don't usually believe online horoscopes etc), but now i'm not so sure.sorry i know thats probably irrelevant, but i'll put it in anyway...:)

i havent replied to his message, and dont know if i should, cos like i said, i am in shock..

what do i do? reply? ignore?

T.I.A

Babooshka

If I was you, I'd be pretty angry at both your Mother and your father. Very grown up they sound. Your father firstly confronts you about the fact that he's your father using a social networking site that most people use to post drunken pictures on...very mature way to break news to your kid indeed. Then your Mother ads insult to injury by completely avoiding the issue later on. Who's the parent here? This is going to take you a while to take in. I can't say what you should do, that is up to you at the end of the day but before I did anything else, I'd be insisting on sitting my Mother down and getting some explanations out of her. You're not just some by product of their actions, you're a person and you deserve some real life explanations and not vain voyeuristic attempts at contacting you via the internet.

Hope you'll be ok...look out for you. From reading your story, both your parents have just made me feel so :mad:...edit: but especially your Mother as it sounds like she's acting completely for her own ends and not really giving a t*ts about your feelings. Demand information, you're entitled to it.

Shivers26

`This really is a lot for you to take in.
Can I ask how old you are?

You dont need to make any decisions about this right now. I wonder why your mother has never spoken about him. You must have so many questions.
My son didnt begin to have a relationship with his father til he was 7 (fathers choice) but when he got older and I would ask I would always try to answer his questions as best as I could.
I think its important for children to have relationships with both parents where possible. I found it extremely hard having my sons father back on the scene but I got over my issues and at the end of the day he was as entitled to a relationship with the child as I was.

How do you feel about it? Would you be interested in pursuing a relationship with him? You dont necessarily need your mothers ok to do this. Maybe talk things through with her and get the full story and make a decision in your own time.

LegacyUser

I don't know how old you are but I'm guessing you are still a teenager.

Anyway, all I can tell you is what happend me. I was raised by my Da (with the help of my nan). I don't really have a big family and they both raised me. My 'mother' and I use the term loosely, left my Da when I was about 16 months old. She went off the rails after i was born and started taking grade A drugs while my Da was struggling to raise me. In the end she ran off with her drug dealer.

My Da is far from perfect and we have had our ups and downs. I know now (looking back) how he struggled at stages with being the sole parent from such a young age (he was 23 when I was born) when it wasn't planned. I don't want to get down on him because he did his best but it was challenging sometimes during my childhood and it was far from perfect.

However, he did all he could and he did his very best I do know that much. He never froze my 'mother' out. She was always free to contact me or be involved. She chose not to. In fact I used to visit with her family who live in Waterford regularly. They knew she what she did and that she was out of order but some of them still wanted to be involved in my life.

Anyway, my Da raised me and looked after me and broke his back to take care of me from the day i was born. Then one day, out of the blue, some woman walked up to me as i was heading to work. She said 'i'm your mother John, will you talk to me'. I simply replied 'I don't have a mother' and began to walk off. She walked around in front of me to try and stop me at which point I said 'look I'm doing my best to be polite with you here now get out of my way'. She tried to turn on the waterworks and was demanding I took a piece of paper with her phone number on it. At this stage I got impolite and simply told her to 'F**k off'

I got a phonecall a couple of days later from her/my relatives from down the country asking would I meet with her. I told them I had absolutely no interest in doing so. At this stage they told me I had a sister and started harping on about me meeting her. At that stage I made a point of calling my Da with the reciever held up so they could hear. I said ' Da, do you have any other kids?' He said no so I got back on the phone and said 'sorry you're wrong I don't have a sister'. I don't have a mother and I don't have a sister.

I told them I had nothing against them but if they thought there was going to be some big Oprah style reunion moment that they should know it was never going to happen. Ever. I told them I hoped they understood it was my choice.

They cut off all contact with me not too long after that. However, I have absolutely no regrets.

My 'mother' never made any attempt to help raise me. I should point out my Da never ran her down and always told me I was free to do as I pleased regarding meeting her at any stage.

The thing for me is this. Its your actions that define you. The tag of 'mother' or 'father' means absolutely nothing if you don't act in a manner befitting it. It doesn't take a genius to have a child. It takes a good person and a hard working one at that to raise a child alone though.

You need to talk to your mother and see what the whole story is. You have a right to demand the truth. I am assuming you are old enough to know now. You'll have to make up your own mind from there on in though.

What I told you about my own experience is not to try and tell you to have nothing to do with the man. I'm just telling you don't have to follow and social conventions or anything. You are perfectly within your rights to tell him to go take a running jump if thats how you feel.

I will add that making contact by adding you on facebook and contacting you that way is a complete chicken**** move. No adult should act like that. It doesn't bode well for the character of the man if thats they way he operates.

Be brave, be ready to listen to some hard truths perhaps. Take your time and make up your OWN mind. Best of luck to you. I really hope you can keep the chin up and get through it. It'll be tough but it can be done

liah

Something similar happened to me around Christmas (the one that just passed; I also posted here on boards with my issue.)

My father had not been in my life since I was 3 years old, I had no recollection of him save one memory of him beating my mother while on various narcotics. Not a pleasant one.

So one morning I woke up and there was a message in my Facebook inbox by someone claiming to be my father. He verified 100% his identity. I didn't know what to think; I just started crying straight away.

I'm 22 now. After 19 years without, I never once expected to have my father back in my life. I was used to the idea of him just not existing. I'm an only child and my mother raised me the best she could as a single mum.

Anyway.. I've emailed him a few times, and he emails me frequently. He keeps sending me baby pictures, and it throws me through an absolute loop. I look like him. I write like him. We have the same interests in music and literature. And I've never properly met the guy while I've been a "person."

Be prepared for an absolute rollercoaster. I was upset, then happy, then confused, then terrified, then.. just.. numb. Nobody here can really tell you what's going to happen, not even me-- but I can tell you how I felt, and that's the best I can do.

It's hard and it's confusing. Just do what feels right at the time and don't let ANYBODY tell you how to handle it, not even your mother. Also remember there's two sides to every story, what your mother may say and what your father may say may be two entirely different things. You'll have to decide for yourself what the middle ground is. But don't let him force you into anything, and don't let her force you into not doing anything.

Take it at your own pace and be prepared for a whirlwind of emotions.

Best of luck.

opinion guy

Great post Liah

Andy-Pandy

Give him a chance, i'm in the same pasition as you and i gave up that chance to know him when he tried to contact me out of the blue like that. I've always regretted it. It would be nice to have a dad, and if you dont try you'll always regret it, i can gurantee you that.

LegacyUser

Just want to say that you're very lucky. I was born in England to Irish parents. My dad cheated on my mum and she used this as an excuse to run away with me and break all contact with him when I was two years old. Before this he had been a good dad to me apparently.

She made sure we could not be found. And I suppose he didn't try to hard to find me either. I'll never know for sure. We moved around a lot when I was growing up and moved countries. But now I'm forty. At around thirty I put a fair bit of work into trying to find him, but didn't. I don't know if he died years ago or if he received mail from me and ignored it. I've accepted this as the years have gone on and its not a big deal now but I'll always feel cheated out of having a dad, or at least knowing a dad. So what if he contacted you through facebook, at least he bothered.

LegacyUser

op here

thanks for all the replies.

i only got a chance to speak to my mother today about the message as we had visitors over the weekend..

she explained everything she knew about him (which wasnt much, as she doesn't know him very well).

the two people that look like him, are his kids (my half-siblings).

i asked my mother how she would feel about me making contact with him and she said she doesnt mind as he is my father and i have a right to know him.

she only reacted the way she did (telling me not to tell anyone) because she was in shock. she hasnt heard from him since i was a baby/toddler

to those of you who asked my age, i wont give my exact age, but i am in the 17-20 area..

anyway, i decided, i will reply to his message and give him my email address and we can take it from there, for the moment i feel email contact is appropriate as obviously i dont know him/anything about him so i want to be sure (well as sure as i can be) that he wont just breeze in and out of my life when it suits him, either he will be a full-time father or he wont be, none of this part time stuff. and in the future, depending on how things go, maybe we can go to phone and then meeting up. but i want to take things slowly and wont get my hopes up as i dont want to set myself up for a fall.

also my mother said (as far as she knows) he has no contact details for me, as as far he knows, i live in ireland, but where abouts in ireland, he doesnt know, so thats why he contacted me through facebook, as he had no other way of contacting me, as unregistered (post #9) said, at least he bothered to contact me, even if it was thorugh facebook. when i said i wasnt expecting him to hear from him, especially not through facebook is cos, my name is spelt differently now than it was when i was born, so i was shocked he knew it was me, as he wouldnt have known i changed the spelling of my name...

i understand how it came across that i may have come across as ungrateful for him contacting me, but it honestly is not how i meant it, i was just so shocked, as i wasnt expecting it, ever.

i wasnt angry, upset or confused, i was just shocked and a bit shaken, but i suppose, it was only a few days ago he contacted me, so there is still a long road ahead which will bring many emotions, which i will deal with when they come.

sorry if i rambled a bit, its not intentional.

thank you everyone for your replies and advice, i do appreciate it.

and if anyone is interested, i will keep you up to date on how things go over the next while...

ash23

Hi moo-cow,

I am in your mums position in that I have a child with a man who has chosen not to be involved or to be found.
My daughter is 7 and knows about him but like your mum, I don't have a huge amount of details for him.
I can understand your mothers shock. I can imagine the shock I would get if my daughter turned to me in 10 years and said he'd been in touch.

However, after that I would be supportive of whatever she wanted and I'd be there for her.

I didn't meet my dad until I was 7 and our contact after that was limited although he is very much a part of my life now.
I wish you all the best with this although i agree with Liah that it will be an emotional rollercoaster. When my dad became a bigger part of my life (I was about 13) I found out some things about what had gone on when I was younger. I spent a good many years being very angry with him and rebelled against him. Even now our relationship is stilted although it improves with time.

Best of luck with everything.

Xterminator

similarsituat wrote: »

I will add that making contact by adding you on facebook and contacting you that way is a complete chicken**** move. No adult should act like that. It doesn't bode well for the character of the man if thats they way he operates.

Your reaction might be understandable but i think your making assumptions there, that arent supported by facts as given.

The father was presumably out of contact with the mother. he might not have a telephone number , or even an email address.

Any attempt to contact OP via mail, 9if she was still at her old address) might not be successful and might even be intercepted by a well meaning relative.

What im saying is, it may have been using the social networking site, or make no contact at all. how is that chicken****?

to OP, it seems like you expecting a fulltime father out of this? if i were in your shoes, i'd expect you might need to develop a friendship first?

aidan24326

Babooshka wrote: »

If I was you, I'd be pretty angry at both your Mother and your father. Very grown up they sound. Your father firstly confronts you about the fact that he's your father using a social networking site that most people use to post drunken pictures on...very mature way to break news to your kid indeed.

Harsh. For all you know that was the only way he could contact her.

moo_cow wrote: »

anyway, i decided, i will reply to his message and give him my email address and we can take it from there, for the moment i feel email contact is appropriate as obviously i dont know him/anything about him so i want to be sure (well as sure as i can be) that he wont just breeze in and out of my life when it suits him, either he will be a full-time father or he wont be,

You might want to slow down a bit. You need to get to know him first, I'd hardly expect him to be a full-time father just yet!

But do by all means make further contact and see where it goes. Regardless of what's happened in the past he's still your dad, and you now know that you have half-siblings aswell, who may not even know about you. It's an emotional minefield for sure, but one that could ultimately prove rewarding. It's one of those things that you'll always wonder 'what if' if you don't at least try.

LegacyUser

Xterminator wrote: »

Your reaction might be understandable but i think your making assumptions there, that arent supported by facts as given.

The father was presumably out of contact with the mother. he might not have a telephone number , or even an email address.

Any attempt to contact OP via mail, 9if she was still at her old address) might not be successful and might even be intercepted by a well meaning relative.

What im saying is, it may have been using the social networking site, or make no contact at all. how is that chicken****?

to OP, it seems like you expecting a fulltime father out of this? if i were in your shoes, i'd expect you might need to develop a friendship first?

aidan24326 wrote: »

Harsh. For all you know that was the only way he could contact her.

You might want to slow down a bit. You need to get to know him first, I'd hardly expect him to be a full-time father just yet!

But do by all means make further contact and see where it goes. Regardless of what's happened in the past he's still your dad, and you now know that you have half-siblings aswell, who may not even know about you. It's an emotional minefield for sure, but one that could ultimately prove rewarding. It's one of those things that you'll always wonder 'what if' if you don't at least try.

your are right, he has no contact details for me, except for (my) facebook page, so it is the only way he can contact me, i am not angry with him for contacting me though facebook, i am glad he did contact me, i was just shocked at hearing from him, as it wasnt something i ever expected, and certainly not through facebook because as i said before, my name is spelt differently now than when i was born, so i dont know how he managed to find out it was me, as he wouldnt have known i changed the spelling of my name..

i am not expecting a full-time father, and most certainly not straight away, as that would be far to soon, but maybe over time he could 'become' my father, as i stated before, i want to take things slowly, and i hope that in the future, he could become a full-time father to me, but as i said, it depends on how things progress etc, it certainly wont be something that will happen asap...

anyway, i still havent replied to his message yet as i dont know what to write.

i think maybe if i just write an explaination as to why its taken me a few days to reply (i needed to get over the shock and speak to my mother about him) and maybe how i feel and what i hope can come of our contact?

what do you think? would this be ok? do you have any suggestions?

thank you

aidan24326

moo_cow wrote: »

i think maybe if i just write an explaination as to why its taken me a few days to reply (i needed to get over the shock and speak to my mother about him)

That sounds reasonable enough as an intro.

and maybe how i feel and what i hope can come of our contact?

I wouldn't say too much about what you're hoping for as you don't want to put any pressure on the situation and in any case you probably don't really know for sure yourself what you want or what to even expect.

I'm sure there are things you want to ask him. How did he find you? And why did he decide to contact you now? You could tell him a little of how you feel but I'd go easy on that for now. Your first reply to him is just to suss him out really, see where he's coming from and what his thoughts are.

Xterminator

hi

i was in a very similar situation.

i would say, he will be very glad to hear from you, and probably very understanding about any delay.

Be open and honest, and i would advise you keep an open mind, as there are usually 3 sides to every story, your mums, his, and the objective truth which is usually somewhere in the middle.

If you dont dwell on the past, you have a great chance of developing a friendship with him and finding out more about what he is like, and where you come from.

good luck

LegacyUser

thank you for your replies

can anyone help me on how to word my reply message?

i want to know how he found me (my page doesn't show up in search results, and he isn't on any of my friends' friends' list either)? also how he knows my name is spelt differently?

as he would have to e 100% sure it was me, he couldnt just send a message to a random person claiming to be their father without being absolutely sure...?

thank you again, i really do appreciate your help.

ddef

what did the message say?

LegacyUser

ddef wrote: »

what did the message say?

why?

i'd rather not post the full message, word for word, he said, there is stuff he wants to say and he wants to get to know me and he hopes to hear from me soon.

also, is it wrong that i'm feeling a slight bit of resentment towards my half siblings? the reason i feel the anger towards them is cause, all their lives, he has been involved and is still involved, yet it's taken him the best part of two decades to contact me and decide he wants to get to know me? i just feel like i've missed out on so much and they (half-siblings) havent.

thanks...

LegacyUser

just to clarify, i understand it is not my half-siblings fault the way my dad behaved (not being part of my life), and they are in no way to blame. i am not in any way trying to blame them for his behaviour/choices, but i feel like he prefers them over me because he's always been part of their lives, but never a part of mine, like they are more important/special than me, when really, we are (well, should be) equally important/special

i know there are reasons why he made those decisions, and i hope they are good reasons and not just because he "didnt want the responsibility of a child", when the girl (half-sister) is older than me, and i dont know what age/age group the boy is in

also, my dad and i live in different countries, but my mum said, if he wanted, she was willing to stay in his home country and bring me up there, if he wanted to be a part of my life, but he said no, so she moved back to her home country and raised me here. the girl and boy (half siblings) were raised in his home country, presumably because its what he wanted. my mum also said, she told him he could be part of my life if he wanted, but he said no...

LegacyUser

unregistered wrote: »

Just want to say that you're very lucky. I was born in England to Irish parents. My dad cheated on my mum and she used this as an excuse to run away with me and break all contact with him when I was two years old. Before this he had been a good dad to me apparently.

She made sure we could not be found. And I suppose he didn't try to hard to find me either. I'll never know for sure. We moved around a lot when I was growing up and moved countries. But now I'm forty. At around thirty I put a fair bit of work into trying to find him, but didn't. I don't know if he died years ago or if he received mail from me and ignored it. I've accepted this as the years have gone on and its not a big deal now but I'll always feel cheated out of having a dad, or at least knowing a dad. So what if he contacted you through facebook, at least he bothered.

Sorry but I don't agree with this statement. I'm sorry for what you went through, but the OP has spent the last say 19 years without a father, for reasons unknown. Just because he's contacted her out of the blue does not make her lucky. If we were go by your logic people could say you are lucky that you haven't grown up with a violent or abusive father,sometimes not knowing is lucky you could say. The OP has as much right as anyone else to have a good father that was there for her growing up or even still with mother. She's been robbed of that for whatever reason, so I think to say she's lucky is misleading and telling the OP that she should be extremely greatful and make contact with him.

LegacyUser

so can anyone help me with how to word my reply message?

at various time throughout today I tried to write something and i got nowhere. i havent a clue what to say or how to say it.

any help appreciated.

thanks

username123

moo_cow wrote: »

so can anyone help me with how to word my reply message?

at various time throughout today I tried to write something and i got nowhere. i havent a clue what to say or how to say it.

any help appreciated.

thanks

Yes, Ill help.

First of all write down what things you want to say. Then go over the list and cross off any over emotional stuff (just for now, early days etc...).

Then try to keep it reasonably unexcited and just calm and polite.

Maybe ask based on his message what stuff does he want to say.
Definitely ask how come he came to decide to contact you. Tell him youre feeling confused and while open to contact are not sure if you want to take it past a few facebook messages as of yet.

Your own writing style will be fine but just try to make a list of the things that are important to know at this early stage and then write something polite, short enough.

If it were me Id ask:
How come you decided to contact me now.
How did you find me on Facebook.
Whats the intention of your contact, where do you see this going, what was in your mind as a reason to contact me?
Say you dont really know what to think, youre taken aback, confused, not sure how you feel about this.
Say you are willing to correspond via Facebook, but not ready for anything else, and dont know if you will be, you will see how things go.
Ask any particular questions you may have, whereabouts do you live, ask about half siblings etc...

Oh - and be clear that for your own personal safety you wont be passing along your address or making plans to meet - yet.

Good luck.

BumbleB

Wow , amazing,facebook is unreal for turning up people you havent seen in years.

This could the best thing that has happened to you. I wouldn't personally write a lot as at this stage you are emotionally charged presently give it 3 or 4 days and write something simple . Try and arrange to meet your Dad as soon as you can so you can assess whether he's worth getting to know.

Anyhow good luck .

LegacyUser

moo_cow wrote: »

just to clarify, i understand it is not my half-siblings fault the way my dad behaved (not being part of my life), and they are in no way to blame. i am not in any way trying to blame them for his behaviour/choices, but i feel like he prefers them over me because he's always been part of their lives, but never a part of mine, like they are more important/special than me, when really, we are (well, should be) equally important/special

i know there are reasons why he made those decisions, and i hope they are good reasons and not just because he "didnt want the responsibility of a child", when the girl (half-sister) is older than me, and i dont know what age/age group the boy is in

also, my dad and i live in different countries, but my mum said, if he wanted, she was willing to stay in his home country and bring me up there, if he wanted to be a part of my life, but he said no, so she moved back to her home country and raised me here. the girl and boy (half siblings) were raised in his home country, presumably because its what he wanted. my mum also said, she told him he could be part of my life if he wanted, but he said no...

no its not wrong to resent them, they had the father that should have been there for you simple as that, yes its not their fault but you still dont have to like them!

LegacyUser

hi everyone

just a little update

i replied to his message last week and we have been in contact via email ever since.

everything he told me corresponds with everything my mam told me (i had asked hem both the same questions, although he didn't know i asked mam and she didnt know i asked him until i told them both i had asked them the same questions)

the reason he said "no" to my mam when she suggested i be brought up in the UK is cos he was depressed, but noone knew until a few months later when it was diagnosed and not long after depression was diagnosed he had a breakdown.

after the depression/breakdown he got his life back on track and it stayed that way for number of years until a few years ago, when the depression came back due to a family issue, now he's better again he decided it was better to contact me and explain everything.

i have asked him plenty of questions and i got some very honest answers, more honest than i was expecting

we have talked about meeting up, but decided for the moment, email contact is better as I am still not adjusted to the situation.

so far, all going well, hopefully it wont go sour when it become we decide to tell everyone...

thank you for all the replies, your help/advice is much appreciated.

and like before, if anyone is interested, i will keep you all up to date with our progress...

thanks again