NEED ADVICE - IS MY HUSBAND GAY???

worriedabouthim

Hi

Cannot believe I am writing this but there is nobody else I can speak to this about. My husband was out of the house last night with his family and I was surfing the net and when I went to type into the search bar this came up as an option 'GAY (the town we live in) MAN LOOKING FOR HOT GAY GUY FOR FUN'. This had obviously been typed before onto our search bar. There is only me and my husband that use this laptop. He plays poker on it mostly. I am just shocked we are together 9 years and only married 5 months. We have a 7 year old son and I am 4 months pregnant. Please help.

Wile E. Coyote

I really don't think there's anyone here who can tell you if he's gay or not. Have a look at the computer history and see what other sites he's been on and then ask him about it. Not the answer you were probably looking for and it's going to be an awkward conversation but it's the only way to find out.

pickarooney

Two possibilities

1. Google search bar pops up a predictive list of all the most popular results that match your query. It tends to do that based on the first letters matching though, so unless you started typed 'Gay <town name>' yourself it's unlikely to have brought that up.

2. Your own searches supercedes this and it was typed in. If you select it you'll see the list of links and whether or not they were clicked through. Could be innocent/a joke

Boston

Well, where did the search bring you? Were any of the links clicked. Forget the gay aspect of things, what you should be worried about is that he's hooking up with randomers on the internet for casual sex.

Wibbs

Better here I reckon.

worriedabouthim

He would be clever enough to delete history and cover his tracks over something so taboo. I wonder is there anyway of checking what sites have been viewed other than history or the task bar???? I know if I bring it up with him he will just deny it.:(

BrandonFlowers

this might help?

http://www.wikihow.com/Recover-Deleted-History-in-Windows

Dublin_Gunner

You could of course get a key-logger software package that will run in the background, and you will be able to track everything he's typed while using the computer.

Do you have separate user accounts?

worriedabouthim

just found him on benaughty ireland some dating site. the bas*ard has his profile picture on it and hs likes and dislikes saying he is looking for no strings fun and he has added 20 girls as his contacts on it. :mad:

Boston

There you go. You have your answer. Not gay, just a slut for anything he can get/

Miss Fluff

worriedabouthim wrote: »

Hi

Cannot believe I am writing this but there is nobody else I can speak to this about. My husband was out of the house last night with his family and I was surfing the net and when I went to type into the search bar this came up as an option 'GAY (the town we live in) MAN LOOKING FOR HOT GAY GUY FOR FUN'. This had obviously been typed before onto our search bar. There is only me and my husband that use this laptop. He plays poker on it mostly. I am just shocked we are together 9 years and only married 5 months. We have a 7 year old son and I am 4 months pregnant. Please help.

What other behaviour is there that is causing you to be so suspicious of him? Pickarooney is spot on, very good chance that it just came up in the predictive list. I mean you're obviously sexually active etc seeing as you're 4 months pregnant......

worriedabouthim

Miss Fluff wrote: »

What other behaviour is there that is causing you to be so suspicious of him? Pickarooney is spot on, very good chance that it just came up in the predictive list. I mean you're obviously sexually active etc seeing as you're 4 months pregnant......

Well if you read the last message i just posted! - i have just found him on a dating site looking for no strings fun!!! with his stupid profile picture up :mad:

Nevyn

Well if this is a deal breaker for you, then you need to think about what you want and talk to him.

worriedabouthim

I am confused. Should I break up a marriage because of him looking at these sites? I dont know what to do

Lux23

Jesus I am really sorry OP, do you think you could call up a close friend who could come over to you, I would be worried that you are four months pregnant and the strain it could cause. The only advice I could give you is have it out with him asap.

Boston

Marriage?It's possible the full implications of what been happening haven't sunk in yet. Your husband has seemingly been having sex with random strangers, both male and female. You have been having unprotected sex with him. The very very first thing you need to do is get yourself checked out for STI's. It could be the difference between your baby being born health or not at all.

worriedabouthim

I have no reason to believe he has met any of these girls, they are mostly from uk and some dublin. Its the fact that he is looking at them in the first place. We are not married long.

LegacyUser

I just want to post and say how sorry I am that you've discovered this. I can't imagine the absolute hurt you must be feeling!

Obviously the trust you have for him has been broken in two. It'll be interesting to hear what he has to say.

Boston

Fair enough, take that chance.

worriedabouthim

Who said I was taking a chance???????? I have found this information this afternoon! I have had problems in my pregnancy we have not been able to do the deed for 4 months! So Im not thinking STI as Ive had lots of tests in the past few months and everything is fine on that front

Trixielicious

Hey OP

I really agree that you should get yourself checked out both for the sake of you and your baby. Secondly you can search for a file called cookies on you laptop and this will show all websites that have been accessed from your laptop. To be honest if it was me in your position I would confront him, it doesn't matter whether he was looking for men or women the fact that he is actively looking for sex is an issue. I know it is no excuse but some people just can't stay faithful regardless of how much they love their other half bearing this in mind you will have to work out if you could be prepared to stay married to somebody like that. Also I really think you should confide in a friend or sibling, somebody who can support you and be there for you.

Dublin_Gunner

It could be relatively innocent fun / curiosity on his part. I'm just playin devils advocate here - I've often dropped onto strange sites out of pure curiosity and boredom.

Might be an idea to confront him on the profile though, see whats up with it.

Trixielicious

worriedabouthim wrote: »

Who said I was taking a chance???????? I have found this information this afternoon! I have had problems in my pregnancy we have not been able to do the deed for 4 months! So Im not thinking STI as Ive had lots of tests in the past few months and everything is fine on that front

At least you know that physically you are fine! Emotionally he has really hurt you. Why don't you stay with a friend for the night until you get your head around things, give you some space to decide what you want to do!

Boston

worriedabouthim wrote: »

Who said I was taking a chance???????? I have found this information this afternoon! I have had problems in my pregnancy we have not been able to do the deed for 4 months! So Im not thinking STI as Ive had lots of tests in the past few months and everything is fine on that front

To the best of my knowledge they don't test pregnant women for HIV or Hep B in this country by default. Open to correction.

LegacyUser

perhaps some subterfuge here is in order if you are able to keep it together.
Set up a fake profile on the site and get talking to him use a photo of some randomer off google images.
Ask him if he wants to meet and see what his real intentions are.
That way you wil know for sure if hes meeting up with girls or just on it for a thrill of chating to women.
I remember a few months ago there was a girl who found her husband oin these and did just that she walked into where they were supposed to be meeting at confronted the husband.
If I remember correctly they ended up trying again.

Also you have to be careful like everyone is saying the std thing but Id be more worried about stress. Ive been cheated on before and when I found out it devastated me so please do be careful talk to someone maybe a stranger if you dont want your family to know. You could go to a friend or family now tell them everything but in 3 years if things work out whoever you told will still resent your husband.
Its good to talk but remember whoever you tel will judge.
and one more piece of advice
If you are going looking for answers be prepared for what you will find.

IITYWYBMAD

Boston wrote: »

To the best of my knowledge they don't test pregnant women for HIV nor Hep B in this country by default. Open to correction.

They don't, however the OP has indicated that she has had some issues conceiving, so she may have had those tests. Having said that, and while I agree with your sentiment wrt her health, I don't think that that's top of the list of worries for the OP, and I think you have made your point clear on the health risks.

OP, I hope that this is just some silly immature yearning on his part, and that he has not acted on any of his urges.

worriedabouthim

Boston wrote: »

To the best of my knowledge they don't test pregnant women for HIV or Hep B in this country by default. Open to correction.

YES they do, I got tested for it 2 months ago!

Emme

If I were the OP I would confront him with the evidence and ask if there's any need to get tested for STDs for the sake of their unborn child. See what his reaction is. If he denies it all get tested for STDs anyway.

worriedabouthim

No Ive had no trouble conceiving - quite the opposite! The placenta is lying too low and that is why my pregnancy was deemed high risk. And as a precautionary measure I have been told no sex under any circumstances by my doctor and by the consultant. Yes I could go in under my own profile - a bit of detective work on my part. I rang him and confronted him about this and he said no its from ages ago, but then I checked and it said he last logged on yesterday!!! I KNOW he is lying. It is not the first time I have found sites he has looked at of this nature. Only a few months ago I confronted him about it. Except this time, he has his face on it! and his likes and dislikes and he goes into detail. And he calles himself passionate and intelligent and this makes me want to PUKE:eek:

LegacyUser

It would be safe to assume by now all of the messages in his account will be deleted and he will be ultra cautious about any new contacts.
I think your into damage control now.
Hes a liar you found that out by him saying he hasnt been on it in ages yet his profile says yesterday youll probably see it deleted now or at least online today as he deletes these.
Hes a compuslive cheat.
He is taking you for a fool queue the blame to be thrown at you.

Now you have established the above I would talk to a family member if you had a sister that wiould be ideal.

Tell him to come over at such a time as to collect some things as you will need to be alone to gather your toughts.
Good luck with whatever way you choose hopefully it will be the right one.

worriedabouthim

yeah im raging with him. He just will deny it he must think i am stupid! He knows right well that I know, he is just in denial. Told him not to come home, I think he will though. He will convince himself he did nothing wrong

omahaid

If he hasn't deleted everything try and get screen shots, would be harder to lie about printed out screenshots.

worriedabouthim

I clicked on copy on the url for his profile and Im very close to pasting it but I know I cant here. I might put it on facebook where all our friends and family will see it!

Wile E. Coyote

I'd be careful about doing something like that OP. Once it's out there it's very hard to take back and there's only one way your marriage will go. I know you probably couldn't care less at the minute but think about the effect it will have on the kids as well.

dory

Very sorry to hear this. I hope he doesn't come home, you need a bit of space. Have you anyone to call?
I think we've established that he's a cheat. It's up to you now to decide what to do. But very rarely do people change.

worriedabouthim

no I didnt post the url on facebook it wouldnt be right. he admitted everything when he came home, he said he put up the profile for the thrill and that he would never ever act on it and has never cheated. He apologised over and over and told him I need space. I told him how inadequate and absolutely sh*t it makes me feel and how hard the pregnancy has been and to see your husbands stupid looking mug on a dating site just takes the biscuit. So now I am in bed and he is in bed - seperately thank god. I have my lovely little son beside me and he's the only thing making me smile at the moment. I have to work in the morning so at least I can get away from him, dont want to look at him.

worriedabouthim

dory wrote: »

Very sorry to hear this. I hope he doesn't come home, you need a bit of space. Have you anyone to call?
I think we've established that he's a cheat. It's up to you now to decide what to do. But very rarely do people change.

Yes I rang a good friend and told her and she was very sympathetic and advised me to shout it out and have a screaming match to show him how angry he has made me but theres no way I am doing that. I dont want to overly stress myself its not good for the baby and Im high risk already. Was good to tell someone though x

beauty101

worriedabouthim wrote: »

no I didnt post the url on facebook it wouldnt be right. he admitted everything when he came home, he said he put up the profile for the thrill and that he would never ever act on it and has never cheated. He apologised over and over and told him I need space. I told him how inadequate and absolutely sh*t it makes me feel and how hard the pregnancy has been and to see your husbands stupid looking mug on a dating site just takes the biscuit. So now I am in bed and he is in bed - seperately thank god. I have my lovely little son beside me and he's the only thing making me smile at the moment. I have to work in the morning so at least I can get away from him, dont want to look at him.

Are you really sure it's true that he would never acct on it? To be completely honest I don't see how setting up a profile on one of these sites would give you a thrill if you weren't planning on acting on it.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this, it's the last thing anybody needs when they're pregnant

Jessica-Rabbit

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

It could be relatively innocent fun / curiosity on his part. I'm just playin devils advocate here - I've often dropped onto strange sites out of pure curiosity and boredom.

Might be an idea to confront him on the profile though, see whats up with it.

thats not something u should be proud off..

dellas1979

I think one of these two things will happen:

A: either he is genuinely sorry and will stop or
B: he will get better at hiding it

I dont think there is anything wrong with being curious about something, but not to the point of putting his photo on a website advocating dating.

You need to establish why he did it and what are his intentions...you need to make it clear to him that to you as his partner this is crossing the line and if he continues to carry on, he is seriously jeopardising the relationship and you will be forced to make a decision.

That will take the wind out of his sails.

Taltos

He did it for a bit of fun? really???

How much fun did he think it would be for his pregnant wife to either find this or to be told about it from someone else who may have found it?

I am sorry - but in my mind this is a huge betrayal and the moment he hit that save button he was putting a nail in that coffin of a marriage you both have. However, this is my take and to me - all cheating - physical or emotional is cheating and cheating is something having suffered thru it once I have learnt to never forgive from anyone else.

Only you can decide what is best for you -but the first step here is really for him to take complete responsibility.
1. Why did he do this? Honestly
2. Why did he lie to you yesterday?? That lie really does say it all to me.

Best of luck. Hope you can straighten this out one way or another. Don't bottle it in though - talk to one or 2 v trusted friends and make sure you don't stew about it.

LegacyUser

OP, I can't imagine your pain right now.

But firstly you are pregnant so you need to put yourself first.

A lot of marriages and relationships have survived what you've been through.

My best friend found her fella on gay chat sites about two years ago. She insisted he go for counselling to work out what he was and what he wanted. They've wisely kept the outcome to themselves but they are still together. He has chosen her, regardless of his dubious sexuality. I know this is not what you want or ever thought would be in your life, but don't jump to public opinion. This is between you and him and you both will work it out together. Obviously this is an a time when you will question everything but regardless of what he has done, you need to chill out and let the truth unfold in its own time. I haven't been through what you're going through but you have my sympathy. But give him a chance to be a good man, whether gay or straight. Get him into counselling and look after yourself meantime. No one on here has the answer, despite the best intentions.

LegacyUser

I wont try to tell you what to do OP because I'm not in your shoes, but I will tell you that if I was I hope I'd leave. His behaviour is intolerable and disgusting and there is NO excusing it.

If I were you I'd be so creeped out I don't think I'd ever be able to look him in the face again - and as for adding his ad to your facebook, that's the best idea I've read on this thread!

stephen_n

Jessica-Rabbit wrote: »

thats not something u should be proud off..

That seems quite judgemental!

Dublin_Gunner

Jessica-Rabbit wrote: »

thats not something u should be proud off..

Whats not? Being curious and looking at strange sites? I never stated what those sites were...

The Recliner

Jessica-Rabbit wrote: »

thats not something u should be proud off..

Unhelpful and off topic posting will see you banned from this forum
please take the time to read the charter

For everyone else you all know where the report post button is so please use it instead of replying to posts like this

Jessica-Rabbit

Dublin_Gunner wrote: »

Whats not? Being curious and looking at strange sites? I never stated what those sites were...

well I can only assume by what you were saying that they were sex sites ect.. there isnt anything wrong with that when your single but its not ok when your in a realtionship.. and I think the OP is a clear example of why its not ok

Jessica-Rabbit

The Recliner wrote: »

Unhelpful and off topic posting will see you banned from this forum
please take the time to read the charter

For everyone else you all know where the report post button is so please use it instead of replying to posts like this

I was not intentionally trying to be off topic.. the OP who started this tread is clearly distraught with what her husband has been doing and is seeking advice on what to do.. Dublin Gunner claiming that he visits strange sites isnt really helping the OP in anyway and that is the point I was trying to make

kjl

Boston wrote: »

To the best of my knowledge they don't test pregnant women for HIV or Hep B in this country by default. Open to correction.

The do actually, the test them for everything.

To the OP, I wouldnt worry to much about this, it sounds to me like its just a jerk off fantasy thing. I'm the same, I sometimes get chatting to loads of different girls and guys on the internet and I have absolutly no intention of meeting up with them, its more like a "see what i can get" type thing.

I would say it started as a simple pornography replacement thing

At most I would say he has had cybersex or something, but knowing the internet these days I would say probably not.

But you need to ask what it the root cause of this problem and you mentioned it in an earlier post, you haven't had sex for 4 months, he is probably just horny as hell.

I think you need to show him that just because you are pregnant, doesn't mean you are not sexual any more, and that he can share his fantasies with you.

Don't approach him in a hormonal state, freaking out at him because of this, this to me is harmless, and its only really him trying to peacock himself.

LegacyUser

Hi op,
i posted a very similar post to this about 4 weeks ago after discovering a similar situation with my bf. Like you, i was in a very lonely situation - not married and pregnant, but living abroad with no close friends or family for support.
I, like you, was completely shocked and disgusted with what i say, he was away for work in a different city, and i had our apartment cleared of my stuff when he arrived back, as i was convinced that it was over.
He readily admitted that he has set up a similar profile to what your husband did, and that he used it out of curiosity and boredom, especially when i had been in ireland and he had relocated before me. He was so ashamed and angry at himself and upset that he has upset me so muc, made me question his sexuality, threatened everything that we have built together etc. He actually was shocked that i believed he might be gay.....

I forgave him, he agreed to never touch any of those sites again....we moved on.
It may just have been boredom and curiosity, and similar to my bf's case - looking for someone to stroke his ego.....
Not that any of that is ok. especially if he put his face up there - what if any of your family or friend's or neighbour's saw his profile!!
Only you can decide what is right for your situation, all i can say is best of luck, and im thinking of u.......much love, a xxx