Thoughts of Violence - Ways to Calm Myself?

LegacyUser

Sometimes I get afraid I am going to do something stupid. I dont get angry easily but when I do I seem to go mental. I can walk away from insults and fights but sometimes I get triggers that set me off. In the past I have hospitalised people that pushed me too far. I have been in jail once from one of those assualts. Sometimes due to circumstances I cant lash out when I get triggered in those instances I spend weeks thinking about what I'd do to the individual until eventually I forget about it.

Last week I was out a gig with my girlfriend. When going outside my girlfriend was slightly ahead of me, with her sister. This singer of a band that was playing that night was in a circle with his friends and when he saw my girlfriend he made some rude comment. His friends all laughed then he realised I was with her. I was raging. My trigger went off and I was seriously considering biting his nose off (I dont know why but when I get triggers i think of doing the most sadistic things to the person) I stared at him coldly and he wouldnt look up after saying it and then went inside right away. I didnt touch him because (A) My girlfriend didnt hear it (B) I NEVER want my girlfriend to see my rage and (C) Her sister was there.

But even today I am still absolutely in a fury over this ****er. I remember hearing the band had been nominated for an award and checked the nominations, found the bands name, went to their facebook, found the lead singers name and then found his facebook.

I know have his name and details of what gigs hes playing. I am trying to remain calm but apart of me is seriously considering confronting him. Hes only young so thats kinda preventing me because hes so young but im 21 myself just a lot maturer.
I feel like ive got my life back on track since I was locked up in arbour and then this ****er puts me in this rage. Is there anything I can do to take my mind off it other than counselling or something???

Victor

rager1 wrote: »

Sometimes I get afraid I am going to do something stupid. I dont get angry easily but when I do I seem to go mental. I can walk away from insults and fights but sometimes I get triggers that set me off.

Been there done that, nearly took the door off its hinges. Although I tend to go away from the confrontation than attack people.

In the past I have hospitalised people that pushed me too far. I have been in jail once from one of those assualts.

And as an adult now, realise that as this might be counted as a second offence (depending if you juvenile record is sealed or not) you might end up doing real prison time. Biting someone's nose off could mean 3 years. Thats not going to do you, your future prospects or your girlfriend any good. I imagine it would be quite hard on your family and others also.

Sometimes due to circumstances I cant lash out when I get triggered in those instances I spend weeks thinking about what I'd do to the individual until eventually I forget about it.

Then you need to find a safe outlet for that Adrenalin-induced aggression. Adrenalin tends to shut down a lot of your brain and stops you thinking logically in situations like this. So its important to breathe and get those bits thinking again.

Last week I was out a gig with my girlfriend. When going outside my girlfriend was slightly ahead of me, with her sister. This singer of a band that was playing that night was in a circle with his friends and when he saw my girlfriend he made some rude comment.

Do you mean something like "Hey, gorgeous" (not offensive) "Look at the rack on her!" (probably offensive). In situation like this you need to laugh it off with a "Sorry, you'll only get to look, she's coming home with me", although never try anything like that when any of you are on drink or drugs.

But even today I am still absolutely in a fury over this ****er. I remember hearing the band had been nominated for an award and checked the nominations, found the bands name, went to their facebook, found the lead singers name and then found his facebook. I know have his name and details of what gigs hes playing. I am trying to remain calm but apart of me is seriously considering confronting him. Hes only young so thats kinda preventing me because hes so young but im 21 myself just a lot maturer.

Next step up would be stalking. Delete his details. He's a youngster caught up in the moment and acted the fool. We've all done it at some time or other.

I feel like ive got my life back on track since I was locked up in arbour and then this ****er puts me in this rage. Is there anything I can do to take my mind off it other than counselling or something???

You need a controlled way of letting off steam. instead of brewing on it, do some exercise (what Adrenaline is for - fight or flight reactions). Whether its kicking a ball around a field or doing martial arts* it will take you mind off things and get rid of some of that excess nervous energy.

Is there anything I can do to take my mind off it other than counselling or something???

Have you done counselling? I wouldn't discount it completely. Sure, its not everyone's cup of tea, but at least talk things out with your girlfriend of the lads.


* Note that you instructor will not accept any messing or free-lance fighting. Martial arts are there for fitness, mental discipline and in extreme situations for getting you out of a fight, not letting you win one. And you instructor willl beat you so hard that you will never want to get in a fight voluntarily.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I have an awful temper but I'm not physically violent but when I lose my temper I say the most horrific things and firebomb bridges never mind burning them. You have my sympathy because if I was physical instead of verbal I would probably be locked up by now.

I've found the only thing that works for me is to get away as soon as I realise I'm losing it. Just remove yourself from the situation asap. Then, now I'm a bit of a hippy so this mightn't work for you, but what I do is go up to the Dublin Mountains and go for a big walk, up there you can rant and talk to yourself and get out the temper away from everyone and dump all that crap that's filling your head. Once that's gone I go home and spend time with all my pets, I think animals can make you realise what's important and they defo help balance me out, nothing like a kitty cuddle or guinea pig kisses to help me feel mellow.

Now I'm baring in mind that you're a guy and you don't sound particularly hippyesque but I would suggest you try to find your own dublin mountains and animal therapy. It could be that going to a football match and screaming at the player helps destress you or it could be painting or kite flying or playing video games. If you're like me once you find a way to let out all the rage you'll feel way better.

The trick, then, is not to go back into the cycle, don't go over and over and over it in your mind and basically wind yourself up all over again. I find that part really hard, but what helps me is to see the object of my rage as a person, imagine their friends, family, let yourself realise that they have problems too and that at the end of the day they are unimportant to your life. I find that going through that process helps me let the rage go.

I'm very aware that your rage sounds completely different to mine but hopefully this helped, even if just to realise that you're not alone in finding anger hard to deal with.

Also, if you just can't do it alone, don't be afraid to try anger management or councelling, I've gone to a couple of councellors (for other issues) and found it great.

The very best of luck OP.

miec

Hi Op

Victor and Peggypeg give excellent advice but I would also suggest you try to go to the root of your violence.

Is there anything I can do to take my mind off it other than counselling or something???

In my opinion the answer is no, but bear with me, like you I had (past tense) violent urges. I grew up in a family that either said nothing or we beat the crap into each other. It was catharic and if I be honest I sometimes got off on my rage, but it is wrong, destructive and deeply shaming. When I read your post I could recognise the two sides of you, the one that wants to hurt and the other that feels ashamed of your feelings. The thing is you have to look at why you get so angry. I personally believe that anger is a cover for fear, it is a response of attack before I get hurt.

As a kid I was bullied in the home and at school, I alternated between being very submissive to extremely aggressive, I have not hospitalised anyone but my rages scared my loved ones, espically my child, if you do not deal with this now and you become a parent later in life you could end up frightening your child. When I felt angry towards my child I felt like I was the biggest bitch going so I went to therapy and it took a long time but I no longer rage, if I get triggered I know I can go inside and mentally calm myself. If you decide against therapy then consider anger management classes or getting a book on assertiveness or dealing with extreme rage because your rage is extreme Op, I don't say that in judgement, I say it because it is a fact. The very best of luck with things.

The Bored One

I feel that there's two ways you have to deal with this issue, and that's both physically and psychologically. Both elements need to be considered and addressed.
How active are you physically? Do you do any contact sports or intense exercise? In situations where a person has this type of anger or emotional energy, physically burning it out works well.
How much experience do you have with violence and fighting? In the case of people who aren't sociopaths an exposure to controlled violence tends to make you lose interest in any other kind.
For example I myself used to have a similar tendency towards nuturing grudges and violent wishes, but I became active in martial arts, and specifically Mixed Martial Arts. The combination of thorough exercice and using up whatever violence I had in my system left me a much more calm and relaxed person.

With regards the psychological, have you ever attended any counselling to discover if there is a root cause of this? Or is their a history of this type of anger in your family?

tenchi-fan

count to ten. that's good advice before you fly off the handle. some people are just idiots and you need to remember that.

i wouldn't condone violence but saying you would bite someones nose off is just disgusting. you're just taking out your issues on others.

Taltos

Like others here I also had a nasty violent temper when younger.
What caused me to change was one day my sister told me I was going to be locked up for hurting someone.

What worked for me was learning to think differently.
I know - sound kookie - what is he smoking. But for me - well I found some music I found really really relaxing, played it constantly.
Whenever I started to get annoyed I used to just replay those songs over and over in my head - even walking around humming them.
Eventually I found I no longer needed to do this. But for me I think it was this distraction - this making sure I did not dwell on what was annoying me that helped. Even now - if I find myself going down that old path - dwelling on who has upset me I get annoyed - but as the years pass - not as much.

I think now there are therapies to help people do this - help them learn new ways of thinking - maybe look into some of those. Even consider mentioning it to your GP - who knows - you might have a hormone imbalance that causes you to be more agressive - or your GP could recommend someone for you to go to in order to learn new ways of thinking or someone you can talk to.

I only have one final thing to say.
Don't let yourself down. No matter what. Don't let anyone else dictate how you behave - even if you think you are making the choice - if you are reacting then you are someone elses puppet...

Ickle Magoo

Some fab advice given already. Have you looked at anger management classes or techniques? I knew a guy who used to ping an elastic band at his wrist whenever he started getting angry - that and he did a lot of physical sport to diminish aggression in the day to day...

Can I just say well done on looking for a way to change as well!

Best of luck.