Feeling strange over past memory

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

I have been feeling strange the past few days and I don't understand it, it was sparked by a memory evoked from over 10 years ago...

Basically when I was 14/15 and we first got the internet and I was into the the filesharing programs for getting mp3's and all that. Like most young fellas my age, I was curious about sex and looked at porn. A couple of times, by accident when searching for porn on these filesharing programs I came across images I wish I hadn't have and out of pure curiosity and more-so naievity I had a look at them, it was also quite confusing as I didn't know much about the whole thing and it was kind of shocking. Now I know myself I'm not into all that stuff and I don't know why I did look, it was some sort of morbid fascination and curiosity at the time, I shouldn't have looked and I vowed never to again, I never did and have never had any such thoughts.

I was reminded by it when watching a movie last week and felt strangely guilty for what I had done, which is crazy because I have never even thought about it, it's kind of spiralling in my mind and I am over analysing it all. I do have a habit of constantly over-worrying and analysing things, but this one is really getting to me. I have had a perfectly happy life, have a great girlfriend and a healthy sex life and it has never bothered me, why would it now?

I know I did nothing wrong intentionally, I know I'm a good person so how do I just get this out of my mind?

sexdwarf

Would these be illegal or child images OP? If you stumbled across it accidentally one time as a teenager and that was it, then I wouldn't worry, it doesn't reflect badly on you as a person.

Are you under a lot of stress and anxiety at the moment? I've a tendency to have anxiety & panic attacks and I know when I'm under pressure I start to obsess over very irrational things. Stress really can mess with your head. Don't let it get to you

LegacyUser

sexdwarf wrote: »

Would these be illegal or child images OP? If you stumbled across it accidentally one time as a teenager and that was it, then I wouldn't worry, it doesn't reflect badly on you as a person.

Are you under a lot of stress and anxiety at the moment? I've a tendency to have anxiety & panic attacks and I know when I'm under pressure I start to obsess over very irrational things. Stress really can mess with your head. Don't let it get to you

Hi thanks for the reply, it has already helped me by writing down what I feel, like some of the weight has lifted. Yes they were child images that I came across and as I mentioned, in no way did I go looking for them or ever would, it just never occurred to me at the time how wrong it was to take a look. I still had the cop on to know that I shouldn't do it again, and I didn't do it again, and never had the urge to.

I guess I have been doubting my morals because of this episode and wondering am I a bad person, but I really honestly know inside that I'm a good person and I always try do what's right and treat people with respect. I worry and as you say, quite irrationally about what other people would think if they knew, especially my girlfriend. I told myself that this is my issue only and no way should I involve her, I think it's more me being scared about what she would think, which might sound ridiculous.

It has offset quite a lot of anxiety and stress which I think is unrelated and probably has been coming, I am at the moment unsure about the direction of my career and my future in general. I have been unable to concentrate much this week or focus on my work so I think I need get it out of my mind and keep positive. Thanks again for the reply, it really helps to talk about this.

sexdwarf

It definitely sounds like an anxiety-related panic to me. I find that my brain finds something to latch onto when I'm under pressure and I worry and panic and stress about it.

Don't worry about this incident at all, it does not make you a bad person and it was a one off, and an accident! That you looked out of youthful curiosity doesn't make you a bad person either.

Just put it behind you and maybe take some steps towards relaxation, deep tissue massage, meditation etc. All helps me anyway! I find keeping a notebook where I can jot down my anxieties, irrational worries etc., always helps. That and having someone to talk to makes a big difference

Ps. Just as you're worrying, you DO sound very much like a balanced caring person, and you obviously have morals that this one incident is preying on your mind!

LegacyUser

sexdwarf wrote: »

It definitely sounds like an anxiety-related panic to me. I find that my brain finds something to latch onto when I'm under pressure and I worry and panic and stress about it.

Don't worry about this incident at all, it does not make you a bad person and it was a one off, and an accident! That you looked out of youthful curiosity doesn't make you a bad person either.

Just put it behind you and maybe take some steps towards relaxation, deep tissue massage, meditation etc. All helps me anyway! I find keeping a notebook where I can jot down my anxieties, irrational worries etc., always helps. That and having someone to talk to makes a big difference

Thanks so much again, you are such a good person to take the time out to help and you really have alleviated some of the chaos in my mind, I'm glad I took the step to talk about it. I do need to try make more time to relax and gather my thoughts rationally, so I will make an effort to do that

sexdwarf

No probs!

BickNarry

A sex offender isn't somone who accidentially came across illegal images years ago and never looked at them again.......

Soul Cake Duck

Honestly, you came across illegal images from the curiosity of youth...it was completely unintentional. The fact that you remembered only lately means you probably repressed/suppressed the memory because you knew it was wrong/disliked it/were emotionally disturbed by it etc..it is a defence mechanism. So don't cut yourself up about it and realise that it was an accident and something that disturbed you (not what it is supposedly intended to do). Forgive yourself and focus on the here and now like your career direction & future.

Angus Og

You really shouldn't feel guilty. I've come across similar stuff, and reported it. You were probably a bit young yourself at 14/15, and no one would ever blame you for being both curious, and scared.

Don't beat yourself up over things you didn't know better of. The Internet is full of good and bad. At least you seem to know the difference between right and wrong, that's the main thing.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I didn't read all the replies so excuse me if my take on it is out of whack. I think you should give yourself a break. Going through puberty is a very confusing time, sex is so weird and intriguing and disgusting and exciting and confusing at that age, everything is a big jumble of hormones and conflicting emotions, well it was for me anyways. At that age, you'll look at most stuff you come across and while you didn't enjoy it, it obviously stuck in your memory because you knew what you were looking at was wrong. You didn't go looking for that stuff but you looked at it when you found it. I'd say that you're remembering it now and analysing it because at the time you didn't have the capacity either emotionally or mentally to deal with it. I'd say your mind put it away for future analysis and recently something triggered it. I'd say that fact you're feeling guilty is because you're looking at it through grown up eyes and you know how wrong those images were. But just remember that you weren't grown up when you saw them, you were 14/15 and curious, you're not a peadophile and you wouldn't look at those images again and I'm sure you'd report them if you came across more. Take a deep breath and let it out slowly and let that guilt go. You haven't done anything wrong and you should stop beating yourself up.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hello OP,

I am a girl and I too have had those guilty feelings of stupid things I did to do with sex when I was a teenager. The guilt for me was so bad that I ended up taking an overdose and putting myself in hospital for 3 days. You should go and see a counsellor, you have done nothing wrong but sometimes to have that confirmed by a professional can hit home a bit more.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, all the comments have been very helpful thank you all for putting my mind at rest.

Another thing playing on my mind as a result of the above and possibly again stupidly so is when I remember is playing with my cousins when I was 13 or so, one of my cousins, younger than me, was running around naked and I don't know why but I just flicked or tickled his member jokingly, that was it and I wasn't aroused by it or urged to do anything wrong, nothing else like that happened again, and as stated above I certainly am not a paedophile or could I have had tendencies like that at 13. Was this just my confused hormones racing, or is there an explanation for that?

Angus Og

That doesn't mean anything. At thirteen you're still a child, and you probably only think of it strangely because you were entering puberty. You aren't a paedophile. Stuff like that doesn't make you one. You just feel guilty about things that were confusing, it happens to everyone. I doubt that a single person went through their teenage years without being confused.

Unless you are continuing such behaviour now, you shouldn't feel guilty.

LegacyUser

Angus Og wrote: »

That doesn't mean anything. At thirteen you're still a child, and you probably only think of it strangely because you were entering puberty. You aren't a paedophile. Stuff like that doesn't make you one. You just feel guilty about things that were confusing, it happens to everyone. I doubt that a single person went through their teenage years without being confused.

Unless you are continuing such behaviour now, you shouldn't feel guilty.

Thanks Angus, well I'm glad to say I am not continuing any such behaviour or have any thoughts like that and am very happy with my life right now and comfortable with my sexuality, I am just trying to come to terms with that period of my life and understanding it.

I guess I was still forming as a person and didn't have much control or maturity. By the time I had hit adulthood I was then sexually developed and morally aware of right and wrong and wasn't so confused but I must have locked away some of those feelings. I think revisiting those memories, coming to terms with them and hearing other opinions has been good for me.

Trixielicious

Hey OP,

I agree with all of the above posts. You were young, innocent and it was all an accident. If it is playing on your mind so much I would personally suggest you have counselling otherwise the feelings of unwarranted guilt may start to affect other aspects of your life. Always remember that a counsellor is there to help you and not to judge you so never be ashamed to ask for help. The fact that you posted the thread shows that you are a normal balanced person but sometimes things that happen in the past have a habit of haunting you for no particular reason, when this happens it is best to confront the issue and deal with it.

Silverfish

Closed at OP's request.