bf no confidence in bed

LegacyUser

Can anyone tell me how to make by BF better in bed?
We are together 2 years now and this has always been the weakest part of our relationship. He is not very confident in this area and as he is a great boyfriend in all other areas I felt this was something that we could work on. He can only last maybe 2 minutes, sometimes he can satisfy me in other ways but it’s real effort to get there. I have tried to not make this into an issue so that he won’t feel even more self conscious and thus be unable to perform at all….Can anyone tell me what is the best way to approach this? I have tried for example being the more dominant one, taking the lead and just pleasuring him so he doesn’t feel under pressure. I have tried to explain to him what I need him to do for me to feel pleasure. Occassionally he has taken things on board and there is a big improvement but then he just seems to forget everything I’ve taught him within a couple of days which is frustrating. He is a bit more prudish than me so its hard to get him to talk openly about these issues….I’m feeling like it’s just a lost cause and maybe it’s time to give up. I’ve had some really passionate sex before so that’s what I miss so bad…..I feel so sad about this because I love him and I don’t want to leave him…oh what to do….

BobbyOLeary

passiongirl wrote: »

Can anyone tell me how to make by BF better in bed?
We are together 2 years now and this has always been the weakest part of our relationship. He is not very confident in this area and as he is a great boyfriend in all other areas I felt this was something that we could work on. He can only last maybe 2 minutes, sometimes he can satisfy me in other ways but it’s real effort to get there. I have tried to not make this into an issue so that he won’t feel even more self conscious and thus be unable to perform at all….Can anyone tell me what is the best way to approach this? I have tried for example being the more dominant one, taking the lead and just pleasuring him so he doesn’t feel under pressure. I have tried to explain to him what I need him to do for me to feel pleasure. Occassionally he has taken things on board and there is a big improvement but then he just seems to forget everything I’ve taught him within a couple of days which is frustrating. He is a bit more prudish than me so its hard to get him to talk openly about these issues….I’m feeling like it’s just a lost cause and maybe it’s time to give up. I’ve had some really passionate sex before so that’s what I miss so bad…..I feel so sad about this because I love him and I don’t want to leave him…oh what to do….

It's the bolded bit that concerns me the most. The rest is pretty normal for some guys actually, maybe he doesn't have much experience? The bit in bold however is a bit odd, from both sides. The use of the word "taught" could be the problem, he might see the way you're showing him things as very emasculating. Then again he should be dying to find out new ways to satisfy you and make you happy.

Honestly if I found someone was unwilling to do things in bed that I liked I'd firstly talk to them about it but if it was really becoming an issue and had no prospect of changing I'd be concerned for the future of the relationship. Sex isn't just an addon for a relationship, it's an expression of how much in tune with each other you are and how much you trust each other.

Talk to him about it and if that's not possible then ask yourself why you're in a relationship where you can't talk about the things that bother you.

Wagon

passiongirl wrote: »

I’ve had some really passionate sex before so that’s what I miss so bad…..I feel so sad about this because I love him and I don’t want to leave him…oh what to do….

Hope you haven't told him this. Because maybe thats why he's hampered in the sack because he compares himself to your exs.

LegacyUser

no i haven't told him this of course. I don't ever talk about any of my exes just in case he starts that comparing thing. When things go well I always tell him how great that was or how amazing he is....hoping it will build his confidence a bit more. i would like to talk to him about it but i just worry i will say the wrong thing and make things worse!! this is why i was just trying to get some advice here...thanks for your replies guys

Blisterman

I remember my first Girlfriend liked me to be dominant. She didn't tell me outright, and the first few times we did it, I was trying to be slow and sensual, when really she wanted passion.
But she did drop hints, whenever I did take charge, she was like "Ohhh I like that."

Didn't take me long to figure out what she wanted. So that might be worth trying.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

Your post could have been me a few months ago, so I'll tell you my experience.

I was going out with my bf for two years and we did have a great relationship but the sex just wasn't up to scratch. At the start I figured it would get better as the relationship went on but it didn't. I'm very highly sexed and have tried out a lot of things with previous partners and have a lot of fantasies. When I tried to introduce anything new with my partner it just wouldn't happen. When I asked him about his fantasies, he didn't have any.

He had had his confidence in bed badly knocked by previous girlfriends and no matter how much I tried to encourage him, things didn't really change. He DID satisfy me but sex was just so bland and monotonous. We tried introducing sex toys to spice things up but it always felt uncomfortable because I knew it wasn't his style. My favourite thing in bed is to be dominated and he never even tried doing that, no matter how many times we talked about trying to change things. We'd argue about it often and promises were made that things would change but when we did try to do things differently, it just seemed forced and not right at all.

Eventually sex became a chore and I completely lost my sex drive with him. I was constantly fantasizing about previous partners who I'd had great sex with. I was back in touch with an old f**k buddy and he wanted to meet up. I actually arranged to meet him one day but pulled out at the last minute. I broke up with my bf the next day, knowing that if I arranged another meeting with that guy, I would probably go through with it.

I still love my ex but I know I couldn't spend my life with someone who didn't have a similar frame of mind about sex as I do. I wish that things with him were different but he's just not for changing unfortunately.

Sorry that I don't really have any advice for you, I just thought I'd share how it went for me. You need to be prepared for the fact that your bf might never change and you need to decide whether you can spend your life with a sex life that you're not completely satisfied with.

miec

Sex isn't just an addon for a relationship, it's an expression of how much in tune with each other you are and how much you trust each other.

+ 1

Also I wonder how much you are telling him non verbally. It is amazing how much we can communicate without opening our mouths. If I were in your shoes I would first of all talk, then ask for what you like, maybe pleasure each other in turns but no penetration as that will build up emotional intimacy and takes for the focus of full sex. Maybe one night you spend time pleasuring him entirely and then the next night get him to do the same. Build it up slowly perhaps but like the other poster said that if he 'forgets' to do what you like, you have to ask why. Pretty much all men love pleasuring women.

LegacyUser

I would have been like him a few years back... maybe 6 or 7. I'm mid 30s now.

I guess I never really let my self go during sex back then and I was mainly worried about keeping it up/losing my erection.

There can be a different pressure on guys - some of us worry about it.

Also, I wasn't that experienced at "shagging" but I did make up for it in other ways (and I've learned to give pretty good head - I felt I had to and I really enjoy it).

Anyway, I guess I was also worried about my partner and what she wanted more so than thinking "what do I want to do? am I enjoying myself?" I was so caught up in my worries that I didn't even think about me.

And from that, I didn't risk anything - didn't try anything different, didn't initiate etc...

Roll on the years and I'm seeing a girl. It has taken a while to get here but I can "shag" now (I just needed more experience) and also, I kind of stopped worrying whether I was doing it right or not (I guess moans from partners helped me realise that I was doing a good job).

10 years ago a gf asked me what my fantasies were and I was too embarrassed to describe them. Maybe it's the same for your guy. Now, I can say what turns me on without fear of embarrassment.

He might have a backlog of fantasies but thinks "I can't say this to my girlfriend - she'll think I'm dirty/perverse". It could be the old MAdonna/Whore complex... God knows it affected me.

I;ll be honest with you here - having been with my first gf for 2 years, I don't think that we could have changed our sexlife for the better as there'd been that two years of **** sex. Despite the experience I got from her, it was almost like there was too much history there to forget about (then again, we weren't that suited so maybe that was more to do with it),

He presumably ****, as most men do - but he has to think of something when he does.... have you ever asked him that.

bindutantra

Hi,
I come across these issues every day in my work. I work with individuals and couples to help them overcome issues around sex, such as Erectle Disfunction or Premature ejaculation in a guy. Issues that you may not be aware of issues that he may not remember can cause such issues.

I worked with a client recently who had ED problems, these went back to his teenage years and through working with him in just one session his erection improved immensily and his confidence which is the most important thing was at an all time high.

We dont realise how things people say or do can hurt our confidence and emotions on a physical, mental and spiritual level. Our body can build defensive blocks so we "dont continue to be hurt" by comments emotions and feelings.

Being dominant with him wont help as if he has PE you arouse him too quickly and he will ejaculate before you are even aroused. Hope some of this helps