would you read on??

nervous_twitch

I recently decided I wanted to get back into writing; no real purpose in mind, I just find it an enjoyable, cathartic exercise. Anyhow, my skills are probably a bit rusty - this is something I just scribbled down in the last few minutes. Feedback would be much appreciated. Thanks.

I'm guts, and blood, and agony.
She expelled a wiry tendril of smoke and watched it climb toward the ceiling, where it didn't quite disappear. In the moments she could remember of the previous hours, she had been wearing shoes. Now, her bare feet were buried in the carpet of odd texture, soles tickled by the thumping bass. The simple abundance of people indicated that the hour was early, but observing the manic animation in their eyes, she knew that they had been here a while. Plastered to the faux leather couch by a silky layer of sweat, she tried to recall the events preceding this oblivion, but it proved a futile endeavour. Instead, she took another deep drag.
“Your hair is just like straw.”
She hadn't noticed him, sitting on the armrest. She hadn't felt his large hands pawing at her scalp. His face was glazed over with a child-like fascination as he dragged his fingers through the length of her hair. In any other circumstance she would have voiced her objection, but there was a softness in his face which negated any suggestion of malignant intent. Olive features, skin like snow. Instinctively she tapped her cigarette, unaware of the small heap of ash gathering on her jeans.
“I'm Isobel.”
“Isobel... Isobel... ” - he repeated it several times under his breath, as if navigating his tongue around a foreign language.
“Do you have any idea what drugs I've taken?”
He moved his hand under her chin and propped her head toward his; he leaned closer and gazed, transfixed, into the depths of her eyes, and then he smiled.
“Isobel's perfect.”

I cant seem to do paragraph indentations on here!

desolate sun

Hi OP
Yes I would read on. I am intrigued why this girl has no recollection where she is and why this guy seems intimate with her.

Maybe don't mention drugs just yet. The first thing I thought of when you set the scene was drugs, so as a reader I don't want to find out WHY just yet.

pickarooney

I'd read on, partly because I like the style and partly to try and find out what's going on. Two fairly good reasons I'd say.

Have you more in store?

nervous_twitch

desolate sun wrote: »

Maybe don't mention drugs just yet. The first thing I thought of when you set the scene was drugs, so as a reader I don't want to find out WHY just yet.

I actually thought the same; I was just trying to accelerate the storyline I think, but I'll have to review it this evening.

pickarooney wrote: »

I'd read on, partly because I like the style and partly to try and find out what's going on. Two fairly good reasons I'd say.

Have you more in store?

Thanks! Not at the moment, that was just a little zygote of an idea I was toying with last night; maybe I'll try and develop it further.

i-digress

I loved it. I was disappointed that it stopped when it did, which is a good sign!

baalthor

I certainly would read on - when is the next installment?:D

Oryx

Yup, I like the way it throws you into this odd situation. I want to know whats going on.

Black Swan

I agree with other posters that the introduction of drugs was premature. Although I was intrigued by your opening, I kept wondering if it was a tiny bit too wordy? I liked the imagery, but it was not a fast read.

Please continue developing it. I would read more should you post it.

ToasterSparks

Yeah, I really liked it. I felt like I was just as confused and disoriented as Isobel was - thrown into a scenario with no knowledge of what preceded it.

I think it's a great intro, and I'd read on a bit more, definitely.

nervous_twitch

Thanks for the all the advice guys. I'll take what you say on board.

Blue_Lagoon wrote: »

Although I was intrigued by your opening, I kept wondering if it was a tiny bit too wordy? I liked the imagery, but it was not a fast read.

Yeah, perhaps you might be right; I do find it difficult to write in any other way though; I guess for me its just a very line between sounding verbose/superfluous and sounding pedestrian.

I'm working on it at the moment, I'll post more when it gets written.

lyndaM

Hello I am new here, Yes I would read on!

It is intruiging, but yes I agree, possibly slightly too wordy.