Think my boyfriend is addicted to p0rn

Nomad_wcc

Hi all,

I'd really appreciate your advise as I'm really hurting over this...

Have been living with my boyfriend for a couple of years, I love him to bits and can't imagine not living out the rest of my life with him. Not long after we moved in together, it slowly became obvious that he was hiding his p0rn habits from me - I didn't read too much into this at first because I figured that lots of men look at p0rn. The extent of it started to become more obvious sometime last year (I could see from the laptop that we share that he was spending whole days at work downloading images & videos) so I spoke to him about it. He reacted badly, I became emotional and upset and we didn't really achieve anything. I've tried telling him why it hurts me since then, to which he tells me he'll stop looking at it. But it seems that all he does is make bigger efforts to hide it from me to the point where my trust in him is starting to break down. I don't know how that may sound to others but it feels dishonest and I find myself wondering more and more that if he's happy to go out of his way to cover his p0rn tracks then maybe one day he'll cross the line and cheat on me. Some of you might think thats a bit dramatic but it's reached the point where I just don't know where his boundaries lie any more. It's like he's got 2 personas - the great one that I see most of the time and the one that he goes out of his way to hide from me.

Anyway, he's started talking about marriage more and more lately - like I said above, he's the one for me and I'd hate to lose him. I need more honesty from him though if I'm going to make this kind of commitment. I need to address this but just don't know how - I know it needs a very open and frank conversation but I'm terrified that if it turns out like last time that I'll feel like I've hit a brick wall and won't know where to go with this.... I'm too ashamed to talk to my friends about it - I realise how that may sound but there's a big part of me that feels like I'm just not woman enough for him - it's really hitting my self esteem.

Have any of you worked through this before? Any pointers for me?

krudler

Is it the porn itself or the honesty factor? All, well not all but probably 99% of men look at porn, as do I, but my girlfriend has no problem with it (since she does as well ) sometimes we watch it together but I wouldnt ever prefer porn over the real thing, we dont see each other much, once a week at the most, so its just something to tide us over really.

Why dont you suggest watching it together so he feels a bit more open about it? He probably hides it due to the fact we live on a little sexually repressed island where anything sexual obviously means you're a deviant of some sort. If he knew you were ok with it and vice versa (dunno if you look at porn or not) he wouldnt feel the need to hide it from you.

As long as he's not prioritising porn over sex with you and watching anything very dodgy its probably not a big deal, if its just the fact he's watching porn at all you have a problem with, theres not much you can do about that aside from explain you dont like it.

The cheating thing is understandable but thats probably reading too much into it. Porn is a visual stimulant, nothing more. Without getting too personal, would you stop masturbating (if you do, no need to answer that though) because he had a problem with it?

theg81der

Have you ever watched it? I would watch it for hints and see what it is that he likes maybe its something you could do. If the thought of this scares the pants of you that might be your problem right there.....

sexdwarf

I'm of the view that once something like this is not having a detrimental effect on your relationship (ie. your sex life is suffering because he'd rather watch porn) then he is still entitled to some privacy and have a life that is separate from you, and the truth is he's ALLOWED to have harmless secrets from you. I don't see this as dishonesty. It's very important for people to still be allowed be individuals even if they are in a relationship.

I would say his hiding this from you is out of consideration, as he knows you're not comfortable with it, and also probably because you tackled him and he got embarrassed.

I personally wouldn't have an issue with a partner watching porn (because an awful lot of people do, men and women, whether they want to tell you or not). Once the porn is not all consuming, ie. replacing elements of your relationship, because then obviously I can see that being an issue. But if he's just using it for, shall we say, a quick release, then I'd see it as harmless.

Also remember, just because someone watches a bit of porn on the internet, doesn't mean that they're going to cheat, they are two completely separate issues.

LegacyUser

Nomad_wcc wrote: »

The extent of it started to become more obvious sometime last year (I could see from the laptop that we share that he was spending whole days at work downloading images & videos) so I spoke to him about it. He reacted badly

It appears that it's not just a guy looking at porn but someone who has a more serious issue with it.

There is evidence that porn is addictive and I was worried recently about my own behavior - checking it before getting my work done and acting in risky ways - as in, someone could have walked in on me.

If he reacted badly, then he sounds like he feels guilty about it. Maybe he feels he has no control over it and if that's the case then maybe he needs to ask himself about what it's doing to him.

If it's a case of him just looking at it casually, then fine but I'd certainly check it out.

gavney1

Hey OP,

I don't really have any suggestions for you on how to get him to talk about it.

But I'll tell you my own experience. I'm 25yo single male, and while I wouldn't say I was ever addicted to P0rn, I'd say I watched it maybe more than is healthy - like maybe 4 times a week.

I know lots of people think it's fine, and healthy, but tbh, I've "kicked the habit" in the last 2 months, and I feel much better for it.

The only advice I can give is to tell you how I kicked the habit

I downloaded K9 web protection and used a temporary email address so that I couldn't find the random password I'd chosen.

A friend of mine found this out while trying to DL p0rn on my laptop (because his was broken for a couple days) and he's been slagging me about it since. But tbh, I think it's him that should be getting the slagging for not being able to go a day without p0rn

Maybe p0rn isn't a bad thing for some ppl, but I know for me it gives me a bad perspective on women and sex, and it also wastes alot of my time.

So, if you get ur bf to open up about this, and maybe he wants to control himself - maybe suggest using k9 web protection. You could at least control how much he watches - I know that sounds like ur being his boss, and not very romantic - but it could be doing him a favour, who knows

theg81der

Op do you genuiney think its a problem? And spending whole days may seem bad but how much is he actually watching, he could be looking for something that he likes for ages that might be why, maybe he finds it hard to get turned on.

Gavney I know its cheap but how ironic that that was post 69 .

prinz

krudler wrote: »

Why dont you suggest watching it together so he feels a bit more open about it? He probably hides it due to the fact we live on a little sexually repressed island where anything sexual obviously means you're a deviant of some sort. If he knew you were ok with it and vice versa (dunno if you look at porn or not) he wouldnt feel the need to hide it from you.

theg81der wrote: »

Have you ever watched it? I would watch it for hints and see what it is that he likes maybe its something you could do. If the thought of this scares the pants of you that might be your problem right there.....

sexdwarf wrote: »

IOnce the porn is not all consuming, ie. replacing elements of your relationship, because then obviously I can see that being an issue. But if he's just using it for, shall we say, a quick release, then I'd see it as harmless. Also remember, just because someone watches a bit of porn on the internet, doesn't mean that they're going to cheat, they are two completely separate issues.

`

Are people even reading the OP's post or just seeing "Porn" and letting it fly from there. Nothing in the OP suggests she has a problem with porn etc. If this guy is spending whole days when he is supposed to be working
searching for, downloading, watching porn, then there is an obvious issue there.

As sometimesyes stated porn can become an addiction. I would say someone who spends their day in the bookies instead of working as they should be probably has a gambling problem.

OP sounds to me like youe OH has a bit of a problem with porn tbh.

gavney1

theg81der wrote: »

Gavney I know its cheap but how ironic that that was post 69 .

very!!!

Cheap Thrills!

I think the problem here OP is that he hid it and then got defensive when you tried to discuss it with him.

If he had been open from the start then you would have had the choice but as it is, he's concealed his habit and is behaving like an addict.

As you said yourself its not the porn thats the problem its the deceit and denial and then insulting you by treating you like the feckin p0rn police.

My fella looks at it when he can, he is descreet enough about it and I give him his space. I don't care, what I dont know dont hurt me.

The denial/anger reaction is him using the 'attack as the best form of defence' approach on you. Its designed to make you back off and become fearful of opening a discussion on it. The attitude is very much that his extensive porn use is non negotiable. Very disheartening for you.

You're being cast as the prudish buzz wrecker even though you're no such thing. I hope you get some good advice here from people who've been through it.