Mommie Dearest

LegacyUser

As you may have guessed from the title this is a mother problem. All advice appreciated.
My parents are what is called in this country "well to do". Very respectable. Many people have commented to me on what a "lady" my mum is, and she is, but.... There is another side.
At all times when dealing with her my siblings and I are aware of a volcano of anger ready to explode just under the surface. She did have a rocky childhood, and in turn so did we, and also a troublesome marriage so we all try to be as sensitive and forgiving as possible. But we are only human. I do not think that here has not been a single day in the last 35 years where my mother has not had a meltdown of gigantic porportions.
These tantrums, and I feel that is the correct term, can include anything from crying, nagging, ghraphic threats of suicide (one of earliest memories), blackmail, throwing around crockery and even just disappearing for a couple of days without explanation. You might think that we are involved in heated arguements about life altering events but 99.9% are about things like leaving doors unlocked, dishes undone, beds unmade or jokes/opinions she doesn't agree with.
Don't get me wrong she also does things that are truly kind or thoughtful but the next time she loses control she throws it back up at us. Her spite knows no limits and she has truly said some incredibley insensitive and cruel things to us over the years. I'll never forget her telling me that she should have drowned me at birth. But i can forgive her.
I recently suggested that she seek counselling and she slapped me full in the face. I was so taken aback that I just walked out. She rang me a week later saying she'd kill herself in her car if I didn't forget it happened. I did.
Her bahaviour is so ludicrous that the very few people I have told seem shocked. "Not your mum, you're joking me". She has no friends and she and her siblings have no relationship whatsoever. We are her only contact and she's driving us away.

stephen_n

unregistered wrote: »

As you may have guessed from the title this is a mother problem. All advice appreciated.
My parents are what is called in this country "well to do". Very respectable. Many people have commented to me on what a "lady" my mum is, and she is, but.... There is another side.
At all times when dealing with her my siblings and I are aware of a volcano of anger ready to explode just under the surface. She did have a rocky childhood, and in turn so did we, and also a troublesome marriage so we all try to be as sensitive and forgiving as possible. But we are only human. I do not think that here has not been a single day in the last 35 years where my mother has not had a meltdown of gigantic porportions.
These tantrums, and I feel that is the correct term, can include anything from crying, nagging, ghraphic threats of suicide (one of earliest memories), blackmail, throwing around crockery and even just disappearing for a couple of days without explanation. You might think that we are involved in heated arguements about life altering events but 99.9% are about things like leaving doors unlocked, dishes undone, beds unmade or jokes/opinions she doesn't agree with.
Don't get me wrong she also does things that are truly kind or thoughtful but the next time she loses control she throws it back up at us. Her spite knows no limits and she has truly said some incredibley insensitive and cruel things to us over the years. I'll never forget her telling me that she should have drowned me at birth. But i can forgive her.
I recently suggested that she seek counselling and she slapped me full in the face. I was so taken aback that I just walked out. She rang me a week later saying she'd kill herself in her car if I didn't forget it happened. I did.
Her bahaviour is so ludicrous that the very few people I have told seem shocked. "Not your mum, you're joking me". She has no friends and she and her siblings have no relationship whatsoever. We are her only contact and she's driving us away.

Have you spoken to her GP about this. Counseling would only help if she was willing to help herself. I would certainly suggest having a chat with her GP and see what he thinks.

Nevyn

Street angle and house devil.

If she is that toxic then you all need to stand up to her and tell her to get help and her behaviour is not acceptable. Call her bluff those sort of threaths are just that and are appalling emotional blackmail.

I know she is mother and you love her but at times tough love is needed.

Nevyn

stephen_n do not attempt to diagnose anyone over the internet.

miec

Hi Op

Your mother is being extremely self centred, controlling and cruel to you. She is toxic and to be honest in her current state, she is bad for your mental health. I would highly recommend you read a book called 'Toxic Parents' because her moods and highly unstable behaviour must be impacting on you. People assume that just because a woman is a mother that she should automatically be loving and kind, sometimes that is not the case. You need to protect yourself from her selfishness and negativity, you have a right to a contented life and irrespective of her bad childhood she has no right to take it out on you, she needs to get proper help and I hope that you get peace of mind too.

stephen_n

Thaedydal wrote: »

stephen_n do not attempt to diagnose anyone over the internet.

I was not attempting any such thing, I was suggesting she talked to her mothers GP who would be in a position to diagnose her.

Nevyn

Sounds like she will keep making threaths until her bluff is called and even if she does attempt it then at least you can push to get her the medical help she needs.

stephen_n

Thaedydal wrote: »

Sounds like she will keep making threaths until her bluff is called and even if she does attempt it then at least you can push to get her the medical help she needs.

Are you seriously suggesting that her mother attempting suicide would be a positive thing? It is unlikely that it is anything more than a threat but to suggest to as you put it, call her bluff is extremely irresponsible IMO

Taltos

I am with all of the above on this.

1. As a family - sit her down and calmly let her know that her behaviour is no longer acceptable. All up to now is forgiven but from today....
2. As per Stephen - it might be worthwhile approaching her GP for support.
3. Be prepared to walk away - consistency is the rule. Up to now she knows that she just has to threaten and everyone is ok again - but be clear to her - that this is just driving a wedge and will NO longer be accepted.

She may you know do something silly. Hence another good reason to talk to the GP about this. But at the end of the day you need to be ready to cut all ties.

miec

Are you seriously suggesting that her mother attempting suicide would be a positive thing? It is unlikely that it is anything more than a threat but to suggest to as you put it, call her bluff is extremely irresponsible IMO

It is highly cruel and irresponsible of the Op's mother to emotionally blackmail her and if I were in her shoes and decided to call her bluff, I would not feel responsible if she decided to end her life and your comment just supports that type of behaviour.

LegacyUser

Thaedydal wrote: »

Sounds like she will keep making threaths until her bluff is called and even if she does attempt it then at least you can push to get her the medical help she needs.

Are you serious, I actually had to read this 3 times. Have you any experience with suicide or "attempted" suicide. Either can have devastating effects on the person in question and the people in their lives. What a disgusting and insensitive thing to say.

sexdwarf

confusedmuch wrote: »

Are you serious, I actually had to read this 3 times. Have you any experience with suicide or "attempted" suicide. Either can have devastating effects on the person in question and the people in their lives. What a disgusting and insensitive thing to say.

I have to agree with this. To suggest that you call your mother's bluff in spite of suicide threats is highly irresponsible advice. I know her behaviour is erratic and exceedingly difficult for you but she sounds very mentally distressed.

Of course it needs to be explained to her in no uncertain terms that her behaviour is unacceptable but if she is distressed it must also be emphasised that the family is there to support her through her difficulties.

Nevyn

confusedmuch wrote: »

Are you serious, I actually had to read this 3 times. Have you any experience with suicide or "attempted" suicide. Either can have devastating effects on the person in question and the people in their lives. What a disgusting and insensitive thing to say.

Yes I have experience with suicide, attempted suicide and para suicide.
I have no time for people who use the threat of suicide to coerce family members.

What the mother is doing is emotional blackmail. It is very twisted and it sounds like she needs medical help and if she was to follow through on a para suicide then she would be hospitalised and be put under a team of drs who can help her.

Op what about you?
With standing that type of behaviour takes a toll and soon you don't know what is acceptable or not due to what you are experiencing and putting up with. Have you considered getting some counseling so you have some support?

LegacyUser

Hi, op here. The behavious does take it's toll. Very much so. However speaking to her GP is definitely not an option. Her whole life revolves around an appearance of "normality". If anyone outside of the family approached her I think she would do something terrible. While I know I'm not a Doctor I have read alot about Bi-Polar and I definitely suspect that she may be a sufferer.
I also feel that counselling for myself would be an embarrasing, self-indulgent exercise. I think her secretiveness has rubbed off on me a bit. I'm aware that to most people this isn't even a real problem.

A.Partridge

unregistered wrote: »

Hi, op here. The behavious does take it's toll. Very much so. However speaking to her GP is definitely not an option. Her whole life revolves around an appearance of "normality". If anyone outside of the family approached her I think she would do something terrible. While I know I'm not a Doctor I have read alot about Bi-Polar and I definitely suspect that she may be a sufferer.
I also feel that counselling for myself would be an embarrasing, self-indulgent exercise. I think her secretiveness has rubbed off on me a bit. I'm aware that to most people this isn't even a real problem.

Hi Op,

What you described in your opening post is an exact mirror of my experience with my own mother. My heart therefore really goes out to you. I have lived that same life.

My mother's behaviour was similarly bizarre and unacceptable but went on for almost 35 years before we actually had to accept that it wasn't normal. You see when you are young (i.e vulnerable) you will block out almost anything in the way of bad behaviour in the belief that "she meant the best" and "sure doesn't everyone experience this". For a long time we wouldn't accept the word of those few individuals who popped up now and then to say that what she was doing was abuse. We simply couldn't comprehend that a person who could be so generous could also be so controlling, manipulative, deviant, cruel and rude.

She was admitted to hospital in later life for treatment of a physical illness when the Consultant in charge of her care called us in to discuss her extreme mental condition. I can't describe the mixture of both pain and relief that the meeting brought to us.

To be honest we just thought that her behaviour to us was just in the bad range of 'normal'. However, the consultant was aghast when we told him of what she would do and say (he was also on the receiving end of her tantrums, crying, manipulation, victim portrayal etc). He referred her for psychiatric consult straight away.

It turned out she had a number of deep, underlying personality disorders which coupled with some poor life experiences in her childhood meant that she thought it was ok to sulk for months, threaten suicide etc...you know what I mean.

Anyway, in the heel of the hunt she refused to accept the help for her emotional and mental distress and subsequently died as she had lived - without accepting that ANY aspect of her behaviour was unacceptable. The word 'sorry' was something I never heard her utter in the 45 years I knew her.
As you say, my mother too felt that her life should revove around 'normality' and that the entire world was out of step with her. So I know what you are going through.

From your point of view I am glad that at least now you have come to the wall that my siblings and I came to (the acceptance that our mother likely suffered from deep set emotional /personality/mental disorders).

My advice would certainly be to speak with a medical person to see if she would be willing to talk with someone appropriately qualified to help her - she may do this - but then again she may not (as in my own mother's case).

If she won't accede to treatment/therapy then there is little you can do for her. However, YOU CAN HELP YOURSELF.

I went for therapy to help me get the best out of the remainder of my life and I can tell you it was the best thing I could have ever done not only for my own sanity and acceptance of what happened but also that of my wife and children.

If you need to talk about anything furtherfeel free to pm me.

And I sincerely wish you the best with whatever route you choose to go on this.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that Alan (I assume):-) Your post has given me alot to think about. I do feel fairly well adjusted as in I'm aware that it could have been much worse. Many people have physically abusive parents, etc.

miss no stars

she needs help tbh. walking on eggshells is hard, it's even harder if the person isn't getting any help. a few people here seem to be very critical of the mother but her actions do not speak of a rational or mentally sound person. Her judgement seems very impared and her emotions seem to be ruling her. The important thing here is to make sure that she gets access to the help she needs, not to criticise her actions (however difficult that may be). The article below has information on how you might be able to get her help.


http://www.citizensinformation.ie/categories/health/mental-health/admission_to_a_psychiatric_hospital

steddyeddy

unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for that Alan (I assume):-) Your post has given me alot to think about. I do feel fairly well adjusted as in I'm aware that it could have been much worse. Many people have physically abusive parents, etc.

well i had the same expereince you describe with your mother ie verbl, emtional and pyshcological abuse but i also had pyshical abusive parents and let me tell you it pales in comparison with verbal abuse, which can rip the soul out of you. i am healed from the pyshical abuse owever am still in counsolling over the verbal and mental abuse. many psychologists mantain that mental abuse is by far more scarring than the other abuses simply because they brainwash you into thinking that their behaviour is normal.

i agree with the above poster you tried to help her but she is hurting you, help yourself first and foremost, if need be remoe her from her life.