"Crunch" talks with GF, scared of the unknown

um7y1h83ge06nx

I came onto this section as I'm having problems. My girlfriend and I are having crunch talks tonight about our future. I'm 27 and we've been seeing each other for almost 4 years.

It's very scary to think that the future that I envisaged could completely change after tonight. Given my age and the length of the relationship I don't think that I am (was?) naive in thinking that she could be the one that I spend the rest of my life with, my companion.

I'm playing out all these different scnarios in my head. I know this type of thread has been posted many times before, I just feel that I need to let things out.

I feel like sh*t.

Barracudaincork

Relax, as of now you do not know the outcome of these talks, they could be very positive, but thinking the worst will not change that outcome so try and relax a little (easier said than done i know!)

If you are having crunch talks, i assume things havnt been as good as normal lately, as you dont say why you are having this talk i am going to assume you know fully well why you are and what the issues are. Now in your eyes can you get over these issues or resolve them?

Crunch talks arent always a bad thing, yes they can mean the end of a relationship, but they can also mean the start of a new phase in the relationship. A phase where the issues that were there have been dealt with and now you can go forward and get back on track as a couple.

Who's idea where the crunch talks?

um7y1h83ge06nx

Well, she doesn't like to speak about her feelings much. Last night I was at her place and she wasn't in a great mood. I kept probing her to find out if she was just tired or having a bad day or was it something else.

She did said that she felt that thing weren't going well recently and that she is confused about the future. She has said this before but reckoned it was down to pressure coming from friends and family i.e. "Are ye going to get engaged" etc. I think this has caused a power imbalance and I believe this is the root of our problems. I have become too eager to please and she is beginnning to resent this (I think).

It can be very hard to understand what she is thinking as she doesn't like examining her feelings. I don't know if she really understands herself. I'm prettty open to talking about problems and trying to rationalise things as I have often acted as a type of mediator in our family from a young age whenever there wa family problems.

After going around in circles and approaching 1 in the morning we both agreed to try and sleep and meet this evening after work and talk things through. I texted her earlier and said that we should both separately think about all our options and paths and try and sort things out this evening, whatever the outcome.

Barracudaincork

Well if she doesnt like to talk about her feelings means she doesnt like talking about good or bad feelings, so try and not assume she doesnt want to talk about bad ones.

Being too eager to please can be a turn off, but only if you are acting like a puppy dog, being extra nice or going that little bit further than you would normally for someone is nice, getting a tattoo with Sonic loves ??? across your forehead is being too eager! What things are you doing that makes you think you appear to keen now?

I think you may need to step into her shoes for a few moments re not speaking about feelings etc, its great you can and its great you have mediated in your family, however to someone who doesnt have this personality trait, your way can be daunting, scared and sometimes unnecessary in their eyes. If you see it from her POV you may see that this doesnt mean curtains for you, it may mean she cant express herself the way you want or need her too or she wants or needs too.

From reading yours posts, i think you are both very respectful of each other and care alot, that doesnt go over night.

Do you know 100% what you want?

seamus

Pedro Poor Mechanic wrote: »

She did said that she felt that thing weren't going well recently and that she is confused about the future. She has said this before but reckoned it was down to pressure coming from friends and family i.e. "Are ye going to get engaged" etc.

Before I even read your second reply in this thread, this is what popped into my head. Never underestimate peer/family pressure, particularly when it comes to marriage and babies.

Relationship "status" is often quite important to women, and there's an impression that if a couple are just girlfriend and boyfriend, then it's not as serious as a couple who are married, even if the non-married couple have been going out for 20 years.
This can play on her mind and if others are getting married and people are asking "Why aren't you engaged yet?", even in a jokey way, then she'll be thinking to herself, "Well, yeah, why aren't I engaged yet?".

As someone else has said, don't be afraid of these "talks" as the end of the road. Look upon them as an opportunity to deepen your relationship and give eachother more insight into what is expected from the relationship. Think about where you'd like it to go - in five years' time would you be happy to be where you are now, or would you like things to be different? Would you like to be sharing a house, married, with children?

I don't know about you, but I'm not a long or even medium-term planner. The question I hate in interviews is "where do you see yourself in five years time?" because I genuinely don't have an answer. I recognise when a change is needed or is desirable and I act immediately to make that change. I don't plan for possible scenarios ten years down the line. This is what lead me to getting married - I was happy enough to skip along, comfortable that we would "eventually" get married, but with no firm idea in my head.
So my wife painted her five-year plan to me and how, why and where marriage fitted into that plan. I saw no reason to disagree with that plan (in fact it worked great for me), so I set about setting up the proposal.

Just getting her to tell you what she sees as the future can introduce so much clarity into the relationship, so try and think about what you see as the future of your relationship and illustrate it to her.

um7y1h83ge06nx

Barracudaincork wrote: »

Well if she doesnt like to talk about her feelings means she doesnt like talking about good or bad feelings, so try and not assume she doesnt want to talk about bad ones.

Being too eager to please can be a turn off, but only if you are acting like a puppy dog, being extra nice or going that little bit further than you would normally for someone is nice, getting a tattoo with Sonic loves ??? across your forehead is being too eager! What things are you doing that makes you think you appear to keen now?

I think you may need to step into her shoes for a few moments re not speaking about feelings etc, its great you can and its great you have mediated in your family, however to someone who doesnt have this personality trait, your way can be daunting, scared and sometimes unnecessary in their eyes. If you see it from her POV you may see that this doesnt mean curtains for you, it may mean she cant express herself the way you want or need her too or she wants or needs too.

From reading yours posts, i think you are both very respectful of each other and care alot, that doesnt go over night.

Do you know 100% what you want?

By being nice, she reckons I'm always trying to please her. She says I don't make my own executive type decisions. That's true, but I like for us to make joint decisions, I believ that neither of us should be the boss when it comes to decision making.

She does find the whole talking about things scary. After saying last night that she was unsure about things, she then said she didn't want to talk about it. I put my foot down, saying that we HAVE to talk about something like that and can't ignore it.

I have been analysing things from my point of view today. I do love her and I do want to be with her. However, I don't want to feel as sh*tty as I am now. So if we can sort things out, that would be fantastic but if not, I don't want to be torturing myself.

Thanks for your input.

um7y1h83ge06nx

seamus wrote: »

Before I even read your second reply in this thread, this is what popped into my head. Never underestimate peer/family pressure, particularly when it comes to marriage and babies.

Relationship "status" is often quite important to women, and there's an impression that if a couple are just girlfriend and boyfriend, then it's not as serious as a couple who are married, even if the non-married couple have been going out for 20 years.
This can play on her mind and if others are getting married and people are asking "Why aren't you engaged yet?", even in a jokey way, then she'll be thinking to herself, "Well, yeah, why aren't I engaged yet?".

As someone else has said, don't be afraid of these "talks" as the end of the road. Look upon them as an opportunity to deepen your relationship and give eachother more insight into what is expected from the relationship. Think about where you'd like it to go - in five years' time would you be happy to be where you are now, or would you like things to be different? Would you like to be sharing a house, married, with children?

I don't know about you, but I'm not a long or even medium-term planner. The question I hate in interviews is "where do you see yourself in five years time?" because I genuinely don't have an answer. I recognise when a change is needed or is desirable and I act immediately to make that change. I don't plan for possible scenarios ten years down the line. This is what lead me to getting married - I was happy enough to skip along, comfortable that we would "eventually" get married, but with no firm idea in my head.
So my wife painted her five-year plan to me and how, why and where marriage fitted into that plan. I saw no reason to disagree with that plan (in fact it worked great for me), so I set about setting up the proposal.

Just getting her to tell you what she sees as the future can introduce so much clarity into the relationship, so try and think about what you see as the future of your relationship and illustrate it to her.

Good points. When I think of the future, I do think of her being there. Whenever anyone talks generally about marriage, I believe that she would be the bride. When I think of having children sometime in the future, I think of her as the mother.

Having said all that, I'm not in a rush with these things. I certainly don't want kids or marriage for another few years, in my early 30's maybe, so I'm not pushing her.

I have said to her to not think TOO much about the future, and take one thing at a time and see how it goes. I have said that the next step in our relationship would be to move in together, whenever the time is right, marriage etc. is a few steps down the road.

I believe she is scared about things like marriage, children etc. I think she is just putting herself under pressure.

Barracudaincork

Ok you not making executive decisions and you liking to make joint ones, ties in so much with what Seamus had said. She very well might not want to talk to you about getting married, she very well may just want you to say "listen here babe, i love you and im gonna walk you up that aisle, so pick out a dress", or something less romantic of course!!!

She might not want to talk to you as she doesnt want to have to "persuade" you to get engaged she wants you do to it off your own back. By doing this you will prove that you are doing it cause you want to and not due to family pressure or her suggestion.

um7y1h83ge06nx

I dunno, I'm not sure that engagement marriage is the crux of things as she seems quite against the whole idea (not just with me she says, but with anyone at the moment which I think is fair enough).

It seems she wants me to take more control but this can be difficult as at the moment we reckon that she is the one with more control.

Barracudaincork

What does she want you to control? Does she want you to make all the decisions re what you eat, drink, where you holiday etc etc

I do have to say i think its weird she says she doesnt want to get engaged not just with you but with anyone at the moment, surely you are the only person this is an option with. Is there any chance she never wants to get married and have kids etc ie the stuff you want in a few years time?

um7y1h83ge06nx

I'm sort of beginning to wonder that IF we sort things out tonight, that maybe we should move in together or something, in order to try and test things out?

She also says that we don't have a lot in common. I don't agree with that at all. We don't like/dislike all the same things but that's normal and for the best I reckon. We also must share enough in common to have spent almost four years together. I got that line before from another GF but we were only seeing each other 2 months which is fair enough.

I have asked her straight out if these are not just excuses masking the real problem but she says that's how she feels.

It's very weird, we spent what I thought was a good weekend away last weekend and did seem to have fun. But she says too that her thoughts on us can change from day to day.

Sorry for rambling, I'm jsut confused.