He's 29 and never been with a woman...

LegacyUser

Hi there

I have recently started dating a guy it is all going very well, the thing is he is 29 and never had a girlfriend or even been with a woman...am I wrong for thinking this could
be a problem? I just think sometimes this is not that normal for a guy of his age´good looking and very nice guy too to have no experience with a girl except for few kisses...
Is there many guys out there in same boat?

I suppose I am just concerned that I will have to do all the emotional work (if that makes sense all the opening up ect) if it gets serious and to the relationship stage, I could be wrong...

Thanks guys x

Angus Og

I can't see a problem. As you said, it's all going very well, so maybe you should let it continue. Don't worry so much. If anything it won't be the emotional side that you notice, more likely the physical.

When you say opening up, what exactly do you mean? He's obviously been very open. Some men would lie about there sexual history rather than admit they know nothing. He sounds quite honest, and I guess it's hard to go wrong since you're his first.

Hrududu

You seem to be worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet. He's been pretty honest with you. I'd just let things develop, you may be underestimating him.

LegacyUser

Hi Angus thanks for reply

Yeah I tend to worry about things too much, well he is very shy I suppose I just ask the questions and he tends to answer them so more me pushing the conversations but I like to talk about things and lay it all out in the open, to be honest I am a bit worried about the physical side too, not that I am some expert in the field but I do like that side of a relationship I won't rush into anything but don't want to wait months either you know..
Suppose got to just go with flow see how it goes and give it a chance!

finbarrk

I know a few guys who could be possibly that way also. I wouldn't get too bothered by it if I was you. It seems a bit unusual allright in this day and age, but for some guys the opportunity mightn't have arrived yet!

dotsflan

well if you look at this the other way and found out he had been with over 100 women!! which would you prefer, a guy who's brains arent in his trousers or a guy who sleeps with anything that moves??

LegacyUser

Thanks guys..

dotsflan your dead right I would much rather a genuine guy with no experience then a guy thats a bit of a player and has had a lot of women!

I need to stop thinking so much

neuro-praxis

I have a few wonderful friends who, like your new bf, have never been in a relationship. I don't think you should let this put you off. Some people are just unlucky...or never took their opportunities...or never met someone they truly wanted to be with. Go for it.

Angus Og

And I wasn't trying to scare you with the 'physical' part. Just saying that he might be a bit nervous. He obviously trusts you, so you have a chance to reward his honesty.

You're obviously a very nice woman.

mood

Hrududu wrote: »

You seem to be worrying about stuff that hasn't happened yet. He's been pretty honest with you. I'd just let things develop, you may be underestimating him.

Agree.

gavney1

aunty may wrote: »

Hi there

I have recently started dating a guy it is all going very well, the thing is he is 29 and never had a girlfriend or even been with a woman...am I wrong for thinking this could
be a problem? I just think sometimes this is not that normal for a guy of his age´good looking and very nice guy too to have no experience with a girl except for few kisses...
Is there many guys out there in same boat?

I suppose I am just concerned that I will have to do all the emotional work (if that makes sense all the opening up ect) if it gets serious and to the relationship stage, I could be wrong...

Thanks guys x

Hi,

I was similar to him, but at a younger age. My first real gf was when I was 23 and she was a couple years older. There were a few problems, I was very immature in many ways, and shy, and was just unused to the whole situation.

The major problem was at first that she didn't think I was attracted to her, and even thought I was Gay! But neither could have been further from the truth!!! It was just my shyness and the fact that I was a virgin.

When she found out the truth she got paranoid that I would want to go out living a single life and experiencing other girls. But I never felt that way.

However, we got over that after a little while and we were very much in love. It was worth it in the end. It didn't work out however because she moved away

So my advice would be just talk to him about it and don't be offended if he seems like he's unattracted to you - it's probably shyness

cafecolour

I'd say it would be fine, you just might have to have a bit more patience with some things (both physical and relationship-wise). I'd rather a guy with no experience who listens than a guy with lots of experience who doesn't.

sunshiner

go with the flow,and look on the bright side he wont have any ex issues.

miec

In ways there are many advantages to dating or having a relationship with a man who has had little or no experience. He may be very shy but he also does not have any baggage either from former relationships. I had two relationships in the past, one man was a virgin and he was shy and in the physical side he was lovely, took his time (probably nerves) but it worked for us both. The second man had only one previous partner and again little or no hang ups other than shyness. The fact that he has been open with you is a brilliant start. Just enjoy your time with him, it may mean initally you will lead somewhat but in time it will equal itself out.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, my boyfriend of 8 years was 30 when we met. He had never even kissed a woman and was extremely (and so endearingly) shy! I had been in just one rather disastrous (even fatal - dramatic as it sounds) relationship before him, so I was quite glad to have someone who wasn't into playing games etc. Also, I was very touched that he overcame his shyness for me... To this day I know for sure that I am absolutely special to him - just as he is to me. A lot of this is due to both of us being adults when we met and yet not being too cynical to believe and be moved by real love.

Take heart, this can be wonderful. He is obviously not one of those who convinces himself he's in love with someone else every five minutes. You are absolutely special to him - that alone should mean something to you.

cournioni

Think of it this way... He has to get a girlfriend at some point, why not be his first?

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone, you have made some great points many thanks for
all your advice this could be the start of somethinig beautiful...

Op xxx

dotsflan

aunty may wrote: »

Thanks everyone, you have made some great points many thanks for
all your advice this could be the start of somethinig beautiful...

Op xxx

hope it works out for you:)

LegacyUser

I have a feeling I am the same as the BF in this scenario. Never went farther than heavy petting, never been in a long term relationship. A bit shy around women but not people in general. Didn't take chances. Procrastinated about getting into relationships till I had sorted this or that out about my life...always something else, "ah sure I'll wait till I've done this next thing before investing the time in a relationship". Weeks turned into months, months turned into years and I still haven't gotten around to it. I rationalised that when I fell in love I didn't want to be distracted by anything else like my peers or resent my partner for not being able to do this or that. I'd get it all out of my system first so that when it came to relationship time I could devote myself completely to her in mind and body. Before I know it I am over 30 and still a virgin and without ever being in a relationship.

I worry that when I do get around to it that women will think I am a freak. That there is no smoke without fire, that no matter how normal I seem, they'll be thinking to themselves that there must be something strange about him or he must have a darkside, there must be a reason no one ever had a relationship with him.

Its strange. I am not a prude, do not look down at people who have casual sex, am a horny bastard but couldn't bring myself to have casual sex when I knew I didn't want to get into a relationship....just yet...not until etc. I just felt it would be so unfair to the woman. I know most women wouldn't have too much of a problem with casual sex at times and in a lot of instances thats probably all they wanted from me. Had I known for definate that any particular girl that was making advances to me only wanted casual sex too then I would have had no problem doing it assuming I actually fancied them too. It was just, I could never bring myself to try and suss her out on the matter. "How does one say, "I just fancy a shag myself, how about you? No strings love?"

I don't believe in all that nice guy finishes last bollix. I have seen how I have made women I didn't fancy even more attracted to me by being nice. Phrasing my rejection in such a way that they wanted me even more!! And I don't mean phrasing it and leaving an opening, "I am with someone at the moment", I mean phrasing it where it is definately outright rejection but in the nicest possible way.

A few times I let my guard down and although I didn't really fancy a girl too much and definately didn't want a relationship with them(even if I was ready for relationships), I ended up, without going the whole way, using them for some physical intamacy. I'd feel like sh!t afterwards whether or not they just wanted a bit of casual sex too, because I knew in my head that I was just using them. As a result of that kind of guilt from doing that in my early 20's a few times, I basically became totally physically celibate. I just couldn't bare the thought of hurting anyone.

So thats why I have never had sex or been in a relationship. There isn't one single reason. Honestly, I am not a weirdo or freak or a bit mental. I am a normal guy. I'd say your BF is 'normal' too. Obviously its not 'normal' to worry about someone elses feelings 'THAT' much but I'm normal in every other way. Most people realise that its impossible to go through life without hurting peoples feelings at some stage and one just has to try and minimise it and try and hurt people as little as possible but still get on with their sexual/love lives. I suppose I am 'abnormal' in that I can't seem to even do that. I simply can't bare the thought of hurting someones feelings. Hence me waiting till I find someone who am madly into and at a time in my life where I can devote myself to them and the relatioship 100%. I want to absolutely minimise the chances of me hurting them.

I know I am going to make someone very very happy if I ever get around to it I am normal and well balanced, I am devoted to friends and family and will be to them. Without going to far to the henpecked extreme, I know I will be devoted to her. I am a reasonably intelligent, well read, witty, funny, hardworking, reasonably good looking, not overweight, just masculine enough but an empathic listener. You know, just the right balance between the masculinity that women want and a more feminine openness. Emotionally well balanced, great cook, do fair share of sharing the workload of running a house blah blah.

Despite never going the whole way sexually I know I will make a great lover. Lets put it this way, I have had several girls over the years in tears that I wouldn't go the whole way even when offered it on a plate. I guess it was unfair after driving them wild with the kind of textbook foreplay that cosmo readers dream about. I suppose I left them confused that someone who was soooo good wouldn't go all they way. ie. theres no way this guy is a Virgin. It must be because he doesn't fancy me, there must be something wrong with me" Yes, sometimes I didn't fancy them too much and that was the reason alright and the reason I couldn't go further and felt so guilty. Sometimes it wasn't that I didn't fancy them but all the other silly reasons I outlined above. I've had female boards posters jokingly asking me to marry them after reading some off the top of my head 'come to bed talk' I posted in a certain thread. (It was On topic ie, What would you tell me you wanted to do to me in bed?) In short, I am not some sad little man who imagines himself as some kind of Lothario .....in his head , I have experienced enough in my life without going the whole way to know that when 'I get around to it' I will be well capable of driving anyone wild with desire in bed and that if I didn't tell them I was a virgin they might even think I was a 'professional'

I think the OP's BF might just suprise her

gavney1

^ I used to be able relate to alot of your feelings of guilt there. I think you need to put guilt to one side though. You don't need to feel guilty - unless u genuinely think ur giving a girl the wrong impression

HOWEVER I genuinely don't think you need to "sew your seed" or any of that crap. Some men do, some men don't. For a long time I convinced myself that I needed to sleep with lots of women (which I didn't:o)- have only slept with 3. I think it was mostly because of the way most of my friends act, that I thought I should be the same. If I'm being honest, I AM a bit sensitive and I don't think I'm suddenly going to change, that's hardwired into me.

But it's only in the last year or so that I've realised that I actually don't particularly like one-night-stands (like, they're enjoyable and all, but I'd swap a night with a woman I love any day), I'm really picky about women (and I don't just mean their looks), and I like to get to know a girl first.

PS Even though you claim you don't think you are, ur coming across as a bit big-headed in ur post. Just cause you don't sleep around, doesn't mean you can't be arrogant. Maybe you don't, but ur post seems to suggest that you think that you're the answer to most women's dreams. Apologies if I'm wrong about that

LegacyUser

op here

Same as bf thank you for taking the time out of your day and writing to me
It was great to read such a positive outlook and very refreshing

Some lucky lady out there is just dying to meet someone like you I hope
you enjoy every minute of it when you do, stay happy x

LegacyUser

gavney1 wrote: »

^ I used to be able relate to alot of your feelings of guilt there. I think you need to put guilt to one side though. You don't need to feel guilty - unless u genuinely think ur giving a girl the wrong impression

Well thats really the whole point. I gave some girls the wrong impression because I needed some physical intimacy. I rightly felt guilty about that. Most men get over it quickly and can do it over and over again. Most men can go the 'whole way' and get over it quickly and do it over and over again. At least the guilt prevented me from going that far. And the guilt stopped me doing it ever again after a few times such that I became basically celibate.

HOWEVER I genuinely don't think you need to "sew your seed" or any of that crap. Some men do, some men don't. For a long time I convinced myself that I needed to sleep with lots of women (which I didn't:o)- have only slept with 3. I think it was mostly because of the way most of my friends act, that I thought I should be the same. If I'm being honest, I AM a bit sensitive and I don't think I'm suddenly going to change, that's hardwired into me.

I can relate to all that but BTW, when I talk about getting things out of my system before I commit to a relationship, I am not talking about seed sowing I'm the virgin remember! I am talking about life achievements or something as silly as going on the trips abroad or getting the sports car bought and paid for now that I always dreamed about rather than resenting a wife and kids because I couldn't afford it. That kind of thing is out of my system now. The material things etc. I both have it out of my system and have matured enough now to realise that none of that ****e is important. Your health and family are the most important thing. I won't give a sh1t about what car I drive, I'll be happy with whatever car gets me and my future wife and kids to the picnic or wherever place we all want to go as a family. I won't be thinking about the car I drove there in, I'll be thinking about the joy and craic I'll have at the destination with my wife and sons or daughters. In my head I needed certain things out of my system and wanted everything to be 'just right' before actively seeking a relationship. Of course there is never a time everything is 'just right'. Hence another reason why I am so late to the game. That was where I was abnormal, personality wise. Its taken me till me 30's to realise the things that most people realise a lot sooner.

But it's only in the last year or so that I've realised that I actually don't particularly like one-night-stands (like, they're enjoyable and all, but I'd swap a night with a woman I love any day), I'm really picky about women (and I don't just mean their looks), and I like to get to know a girl first.

PS Even though you claim you don't think you are, ur coming across as a bit big-headed in ur post. Just cause you don't sleep around, doesn't mean you can't be arrogant. Maybe you don't, but ur post seems to suggest that you think that you're the answer to most women's dreams. Apologies if I'm wrong about that

Can a virgin be arrogant about his sex life? I am not arrogant about 'saving myself' for someone. I wasn't saving myself for someone. ie. I am not a puritanical self righteous person who thinks they are better than other people for 'saving themselves for someone'. I mean I am proud of not being a serial one night stander or user of women but I am not proud, that is, I know its not normal to be so guilty or so not prepared to risk hurting anyones feelings in the slightest that one doesn't have sex at all. I'm sorry, I am rambling a bit here.

With regard to thinking I am the answer to any girls dreams. I wouldn't have thought I sounded arrogant. I am just confident that when the time comes, that the lady in question won't be wishing she had gone with her gut instinct when she heard I was a sex and relationship virgin at 30+. She won't find that I am actually a bit of a weirdo or eccentric personality wise, or that I am not a nice person or selfish or lazy or anything like that. On the personality front, she won't ever be saying to herself, "Aha, thats why this fecker was never in a relationship" Because I know in my heart that I am all the things I said in the earlier post, thats its for varied other reasons that I never had sex or a relationship, not the stereotypical reasons that she might imagine or worry about. Ditto in terms of sex. Some very short term flings with lots of foreplay that never led to going the whole way and the reactions to same were enough to tell me that I'd make a pretty decent lover. Is that arrogance to feel that or just confidence, Again, I don't feel she is going to wish she went with her gut after finding I am a Virgin at 30+. Assuming I would be a 1 minute wonder who rolls over and falls asleep when he's done or fumbles clumbsely before losing his wood I am just confident she'll be very pleasantly suprised when I massively exceed her expectations.[/b]

.

fairycakes

I was in same boat a few yrs back and it made is sweeter, he was a lot more eager to please me and make it work, we went out for three yrs.

I say go for it and enjoy dont even think about it

Hope ít works out xx

Partizan

Hi OP, go for it but be mindful that this is his 1st time and he could feel intimidated by you who has alot more experience than him. As the others said, just go with the flow. Put this at the back of your mind and let the love take its course

I was 23 when i lost my virginity, not that I was shy or anything like that, I was too immature and too much of a jack the lad to even care. When it happened (a one night stand to NUI Maynooth chick) it made for a very memorable night which i have never forgotten. If you make it a memorable first time for him, chances are he too will never forget it

Good luck.

LegacyUser

I think it has a lot to do with age as well, and sexual desire.
I know for me as a woman in my mid 30s there is NO WAY I could date a virgin, no matter how fantastic he thinks he might be as a boyfriend.
Life is too short to be someone else's teacher in terms of sex, particularly when you get to my age.
When you're younger many are experiencing sexual exploration at the same time so being a virgin wouldn't be a big deal.
But for me a very important part of a relationship is great sex (not the most important but if it wasnt good or there was no sex then it's just a friendship in my opinion).
There is no way it's possible to have great sex with someone who has NO sexual experience.
It's not something we're born with - ie. the ability to be good in bed. It's something that's practiced (whether with the same person over a period of time or with different partners, not at the same time lol).
If I was 25 yep, no problem dating a virgin (and did) but definitely not now as I know my sexual needs and would not be happy not getting them met.

LegacyUser

not4me have to disagree with you I understand where your coming from but seiously
just because he hasnt had any experience with sex that doesnt mean he can't be anyone at it...sex with anyone is all about practise and getting to know what each other likes, I like great sex and lots of it the fact he hasnt had any before doesnt bother me that comes with time..

I was more concerned about the relationship side of things but the guys here have reassured me, and its all going really well he the kindest guy I have met in a very long time and count my lucky stars that I have found him virgin or no virgin

Cheers
op

Bottle_of_Smoke

wouldn't worry about the physical side. prob not gonna be great the first few times but once you get used to each other it wont matter that hes no previous experience