opening chapter views

roxychix

opening chapter to new book see what you think????????? well opening draft
Maybe Myths Do Come True:
From the day I set foot on these numinous planes I have had my life mapped out for me and a path I to must follow like a classic mythological hero. Go here, do this, aim for the best and make everyone proud. Even my name has strong mythical background and my parents choose it because they wanted a daughter who embodied the qualities of such a name – gift of comfort and ease, eternal flow of time and to hold the nature of divinity – but they never deliberated that this name would haunt me till the moment I take my final breathe. How bad must it be you must be asking yourselves? Well the answer to that question is simple. When you grow up in a house surrounded by every manuscript, artefact and archives from the classical world you to would learn the great predecessors who carried this name and wish that you could live up to it.
My input into my life has been very limited and for some reason I have got to where I am without making any of my own decisions. I can get that freshly cut grass smell that reminds that summer is near approaching and a smile comes to my face. Summer is the one season that I know is truly blessed; with its long stretch in the evenings, the weather not that we get much of it here in Ireland and remembrance of fond memories of times gone by but these feelings are always tarnished with some project my father thinks would interest me. Seasons, days, stories and fables have always been something that has been ruined for me. My father insisted that I know what is really out there and as a child while other children were being told stories of Hansel and Gretel, I was being told mythical proven tales. I remember clearly one birthday pleading even begging my father to buy me the latest electronic fighter plane which you build yourself and learn to fly- I was your typical tomboy- but I never did get what I wanted.
I remember the anticipation I felt on the day of my tenth birthday, I remember how big I felt going into double figures and the excited that burned within me. I skipped down the stairs jumped the last two and ran into kitchen greeting both parents with a kiss on each cheek, I sit at the table feet swinging as I was too small to reach the floor and start to question my parents hoping they would remember that this was a special day- the birth of their only daughter.
“Mum, did anything come for me in the post today? Did nan or pops ring?”
“sweetheart why would they do that?”
“Mum, stop messing you must remember what today is?”
“no, darling, hold on............ is it...........oh yes........ I know what it is now. It the feast of saint anne i better go down to the shrine and say a few prayers”
“Shauna, stop playing with the girls head”
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EileenG

As it stands, it's a mess. Sorry if I'm being blunt, but you did ask.

The opening looked as if it was going to be good "From the day I set foot on those planes, I had my life mapped out for me" but it didn't live up to the promise. Even then, the bad spelling killed the impact.

Do not start your story with backstory. Start with a problem, or something going wrong. I'm sure your heroine has a problem, but you haven't actually mentioned what it is. And definitely, in your second and third paragraph, don't start doing flashbacks.

Start by introducing us to your heroine. What's her name? You even mention that her name has mythological associations, but never tell us what it is. How old is she? What mythological powers does she have? I assume from your opening that she has some. Is she a schoolgirl, working, unmarried maiden aunt?

And most important, what is the problem that is going to change her life?

pickarooney

Break the whole thing up into the shortest sentences possible, then read each one and ask yourself if it's necessary and in the right place. When you're done, if you think you need to, combine some of them into longer sentences but avoid these long run-ons.

Use paragraphs.

Fix the spellings (particularly to/to/two - it's hard to take a piece seriously that uses zords like 'numinous' but spells 'too' incorrectly).

iguana

What does you first sentence mean? Is your character taking journeys on supernatural aeroplanes, has she reached a mythical destination and you meant to write 'plains' or did you mean to write 'plains' as a reference to her birth? I suspect it's the latter and I have to say, if so, you should just write "From the day I was born........................"

I also agree that you need to introduce her name sooner.

pickarooney

I presume it's geometric planes as in 'planes of existence'?