So called 'friend'

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I am have a group of friends that I have been very close to for along time. There is about 10 of us. There is one friend who I have or never have seen eye to eye with, their behaviour fustrates me and I just think they are so selfish, all they think about is themselves, they has caused numberous rows and is always involved in everyones problems. No one ever sticks up to them only me and that is why we dont get on. Thing is now I just want out of our so called friendship, I have finished ringing, texting or e-mailing them not like they has even notcied. I really dont want to spend one more minute with them but how can I go about this when they are friends with my friends? I dont want to make anyone awkward or have to choose sides but for my own sanity I have to stay away from them! I dont want to loose my friends over them so really dont know what to.... I just feel enough is enough have put up with their behaviour/attitude for too many years and am now just drained from it.

Thanks,

Sanjuro

To be honest, OP, you may be putting yourself in a very difficult situation here. You may not like this person, but clearly your friends do. If you give them an ultimatum, you wont win. You'll just come out looking like the selfish person, and may alienate yourself. Believe me, I was in the same position not long ago. My mates were friends with a guy I simply could not stand. And he felt the same about me. We'd been in arguments, I whinged about him hanging out with us, and in the end, I made it very difficult for my friends. Which was very unfair. Then I got over myself and learned to tolerate this other guy when he was around. Everybody was much happier, including myself. Now, we're even civil to each other. We're not buds, and that's fine. But everybody has a much better time. Try and learn a little tollerance. It'll make things way more easy on you.

LegacyUser

OP like your situation and the above post I found myself hating a friend who sounds pretty smilar to the person you describe, I tried to cut him out and my other friends didint seem to like this and they started to think something was wrong with me. So I confronted the person I had a problem with, turned out he had some problems at home and from his past which always kept him on edge and a bit confrontational, I explained to him that I just couldent keep dealing with his attitude and that I was sorry for his past problems, but he changed after that he calmed down and became less "in your face", I think just talking to him helped him realise he was jeopardizing his friendship with me now we are cool with each other and pretty much hang around all the time dont trust any friend more then him. Just talk to this person let them know how you feel and how it is effecting the friendship it may be the best thing they hear for a long time

LegacyUser

I had a similar situation with a faux friend... I won't go into the vast list of offences, suffice to say that they were serially dishonest, narcissistic and incapable of taking criticism. So when it came time to cut them loose, I knew nothing would be gained from confronting them.

The issue with people like my former friend though is that they're incredibly manipulative. And manipulators are generally very charming. They know how to make people like them, they know how to make people believe them and, when necessary, they know how to make people feel sorry them - and if put on the defensive you can expect them to use and abuse these talents.

So you should be careful about how you proceed. You need to take stock of just what kind of person this is, how strong your own friendship is with your mutual friends, and how likely the person is to try and make your life difficult if you reject their friendship.

In my case, it's different from yours because, other than maybe 5 or 6 people whom I genuinely like, I'm not actually all that pushed about most of our mutual friends and, in any case, I have my own friends. So while I knew this individual would attempt to portray me as irrational (and any number of other things), I wasn't too concerned about the fall-out.

It's a tough decision to make but I'm totally happy with how it turned out for me, it was definitely the right thing to do. It's hilarious to me now because, in retrospect, this was probably the most untrustworthy person I've ever known! funny how we allow ourselves to be held hostage to childhood friendships.

Anyway, the point I'm making here is that you need to do what you think is right - but make sure to be smart about it. If you do go through with it, don't throw any insults at them (either to their face or behind their back) and don't make any snide remarks about them to mutual friends. Basically, avoid playing it angry and don't give the other person any justification to lash out at you via your mutual friends. He/she will be angry with you, just don't give them anywhere to direct their anger.

LegacyUser

Interesting topic-friendships do come and go people change etc but i would agree with talking it out with that person too you never know where the issue lies.

2 sides to every story and all that. It would be hard to draw a line there when a person that has problems usually is self involved to a large degree- its the nature of the beast. maybe said friend thinks being involved in others business is part of their role as a friend?



There will always be an issue of sides in a group situation regardless of how particular friendships within the dynamic end. how can the issue not be discussed with mutual friends after all it does affect them too. if you get to the point of psychoanalysing anothers flaws and calculating methods to remove them from your life doesn't some of the problem lie within ,covert culling of a group is manipulative in itself.

LegacyUser

delc wrote: »

There will always be an issue of sides in a group situation regardless of how particular friendships within the dynamic end. how can the issue not be discussed with mutual friends after all it does affect them too. if you get to the point of psychoanalysing anothers flaws and calculating methods to remove them from your life doesn't some of the problem lie within ,covert culling of a group is manipulative in itself.

I think you're referring to my point above about being smart about how to proceed? I'm not talking about 'culling', the point of it isn't to ostracise somebody else (that's something else altogether, and not a nice thing to do), it's about damage limitation, both to yourself and mutual friends.

You can't be expected to stay friends with somebody you dislike forever, and your friends will understand that, but if you then take every opportunity to give out about the person, it makes you look angry and vindictive. You have to do what's right for you, but at the same time you have a responsibility to your other friendships too.



But in general I'd agree about talking to the person first.

You never know, OP, it could all be solved with a chat

LegacyUser

One last piece of advice - don't confuse being angry with somebody with not wanting to be friends with them. If you're just angry, no doubt you should talk it out. Otherwise you're creating a really difficult situation for yourself and others over nothing.

lcrcboy

I would agree with the second post on this thread be careful and dont forget there is always two sides to a story I think your better off talking things out with this guy

castle

If she is that bad of a person I am sure some of the others think the same,why not have a good old bitch about this girl, is she the only child,girl in her family if so it can explain why she is do selfish, make your own plans with the people you do like, 10 friends is alot to take on as you get older you will have about 5-6 real friends,

Mozzeltoff

Hey..I know exactly where you are coming from on this.I went through it before and I nearly lost a very close friend because of the situation.
I was part of a group of friends..seven of us altogether.Anyway we all got on great with each other until a few months back when two of the group started bitching and been two faced towards me.I didn't understand it and I didn't know why.I questioned one of them on it but he denied it and said it was all in my head.However for months it was evident that they hated my guts!I tried to make one friend in particular take my side and see what they were doing but that sorta backfired and admittedly it was a selfish thing to do!
In the end they caught themselves out by bitching about one of the others and well a fall out of chaotic porportions ensued.
Everyone knows now what they are both like and how sneaky and minupilative they are.The rest of the group have patched things up and they talk to them.But once or twice some of them have persuaded me to try talk to these guys but I want or have nothing to do with them now and that's final.
I know the way things ended was ideal in a way but it wasn't handled in the right way and if things were different I would have handled it better!At the time I was abit naive and I was more questioning why they hated me and make people see they hated me rather than trying to talk it out with them and come to some sort of resolution with them.It's not easy now with the way things are..them two want a night out with the boys and I can't go.Most of the group think I am just being complicated BUT if a person or people can't get on then what's the point in trying to be friendly when all they are going to do is **** on you again!
However if I were you I would talk to the person that is bothering you and tell them how you feel but whatever happens don't let the situation esculate to the point it did with me.As I said it is sorta ideal that these two are out of my life but it's not ideal for the group as a whole.