Depressed - Know the problems but can't solve them

Anon_IRL.Joe

I've been depressed for the last four or five years and it hasn't changed. I know the causes for it but I can't seem to overcome them.

The first cause is that I've always had a dream of becoming an F1 driver. Since I'm a dual national, I've lived abroad for many years. In total, I've been here and there ten years each. The thing is though, it hit me really hard about 6-7 years ago that I needed to make a start in racing if I were to have any hopes of getting to F1. As I was abroad, the country where I lived had very little racing opportunities and the one potential starting step was just too expensive (National Rotax MAX Championship (€6k-€8k) which my dad couldn't afford. The idea of getting a job wasn't realistic since I was living in a third-world country so to get that kind of money would need many, many years, by which time, I would probably be considered too old to start karting and that I should just focus on single seaters. So with this realisation, I started getting really depressed, I hardly spoke to my family and just spent most of my time on the PC. I've never been good at making friends since I seem to be quite socially inept so this lead me to feel very lonely and isolated. I've never had trouble with talking to people and I would say that I did develop some friendships there but I've never really had close friends.

I feel really bad now because at the time, they would constantly make the effort to try to hang out when I would just say I couldn't because aside from the fact that I had difficulty in making friends, I was also depressed so I didn't want to meet or talk to anyone. They would also constantly try to call me to ask if I was alright since I was hardly going to school. Since I was hardly going to school, this also really frustrated my dad and I felt like a total a$$hole for it. My brother and sister who are both older than me also started to have a form of hatred towards me because my dad was so upset so they'd be really upset for me upsetting him. My brother also has the same aspirations like myself and he also felt that he needed to see about getting involved in a single seater series over here but he would make me feel really guilty in that I was the reason why he had to stay there and that he couldn't come here to race. So basically, I was the public enemy.

Until now, I'm not really sure who was in the wrong. Was I in the wrong because I let something that in the scheme of things wasn't very important affect me so much? Or was I in the right because like other people, there was something that I felt very passionate about and they didn't appreciate that?

Thats one part of the story. I came back here a year ago. I tried to see about getting in contact with my friends from national school days but they're all in university now, studying in different parts of the country and some out of the country so now, I don't have any friends to meet up with. I had a friend who I met up with a few times and thinking that we both developed similar tastes in music, I thought we'd get along well but like myself, he was a very quiet guy so its torture having both of us in the same room with having very long silences. I tried to be more gutsy and just constantly ask him how he's been and what he's been up to and plans for university and I told him about my plans but it would just be a series of short responses. So in the end, he didn't really get back to me much and the same with me. It was nothing dramatic or that we fought or anything, we just had different ways of thinking that made it difficult to talk to each other. I send him the message the odd time to see how he's doing just to keep things on the cool level.

Since I was feeling pretty down still last year, my dad and my brother decided that it might be best to consult the help of a professional to try and sort myself out. I went to my GP and explained what went on and was diagnosed with a case of 'Mild Depression' so I was prescribed with an anti depressant. I took one box of it and it did make an improvement but I also felt that it caused my mind to go a little unstable as I felt I started to act a little weird in certain situations. I felt better when I took them but because I felt that I started acting weird, I didn't want to go back to it so I didn't and I haven't since.

I decided to take the year out in terms of education as I felt I wasn't really mentally prepared to go through with it. So I started a 1 year college course which would give similar qualifications to the LC and I've been at it since.

I met a girl in my course who I liked but I've always lacked confidence around girls so I never approached her. She approached me a month ago and I was thrilled. At first, we talked for a while and got to know each other a little. There was a gathering that one of the people in the course was trying to organise so that everyone can get to know each other a little. So, I went to it but in the end it was just the girl who organised it and myself. I sent a text to the girl I liked to see if she was going so she said she'd stop by. She then asked me if I wanted to see about going with her to a friend's house so I thought, yeah, ok so we did. The thing is, she was going there to hang out and smoke weed which made me feel very uncomfortable since I don't smoke. I just went with it and hung out there for a while then her brother who had drove us there dropped me off home. Then, when we went back to college, she wanted to hang out after college for a while so we did and she invited me to her house for dinner. Since I am a quiet guy, there were a few awkward silences but we got by. At this time, I was very confused because she'd say that she needed a sensible friend because she said her other friends would either drink or smoke a lot but the way things were going, it felt as if she really wanted to hang out with me and be more than that. Since I don't smoke or drink, possible places to go out were limited. I decided to invite her over for dinner a couple days later so she came and we hung out for a while and ate and then we went out for a while.

Since I lived with my dad and sister, they met her but my dad was unsure about my intentions towards her. I hadn't explained to them that I liked her. I asked my dad what he thought of her and he said that she seemed ok but he was a little vague so I tried to pull out his opinion so he said what is she to me so I told him since I didn't really have the guts to tell him that she was a friend so he responded saying that it shouldn't go beyond that. I know why he said that since the reasoning is because of religious belief. So my mind started going all over the place because I knew if I chose to go ahead with telling her that I liked her and her perhaps having mutual feelings that it would be a problem for my dad, as well as my brother and sister. Just to explain a little on the religious belief thing, the idea of boyfriend/girlfriend is forbidden and for a relationship to occur between a man and a woman, it must be done through engagement. The engagement phase is the equivalent of the boyfriend/girlfriend thing since engagements can break off the same way as a regular relationship. The major difference between the two is that if things do go well, then marriage should be considered.

Until now, she doesn't know that I like her in that way. Another problem now though is that although we kept in good contact for the first two weeks and hung out a lot, after those first two weeks, she stopped responding to my texts for around two weeks. I was really confused since I thought things were going well or at least if not well, there wasn't anything wrong since we didn't have any disagreements or fought.

A friend suggested about a band playing in a local club on a Thursday night so I asked her if she was going, she said she couldn't. The other friend then said they couldn't go either so I didn't go in the end. I hung out at home for a while then I had a look on Facebook and found some new pictures posted with her tagged in them where she was out with friends. The first thing that crossed my mind is that she must've not liked me or found me boring because she was out with friends whom I've met before but I wasn't invited. The other much more worrying thing was that there were two pictures of her with another guy. One of semi hugging him and another with a sort of half kiss. As would be expected, it made my heart sink and it hit me really hard. I decided that if I was to make my move, I'd have to do it soon so I thought that maybe she was fooling around with a friend since she never mentioned anything about meeting up with someone so I sent her a text telling her if we could meet the next day to talk about something (that something being that I liked her) but she never replied. This started to really hit me now and I was really feeling down. The problem is as well, because I felt down about that, it made me remember the racing thing and how lonely I was. She replied a few nights later explaining that she hadn't had any credit and asked me what was up so I told her that I would talk to her about it some other time.

I went to college yesterday and I met her. We hung out during lunch and a little bit after college. She said to me during lunch that she had to leave soon after college because she promised a friend of hers that she would meet up with her a couple weeks back so as I wanted to talk to tell her how I felt about her after college, I told her that I wanted to talk to her about that thing tomorrow. I thought I'd just explain as well that this course is 2 days a week which is why I said for tomorrow (Wednesday) and not today. She said ok, we could.

Now, I'm left wondering about my dignity. Should I give her the benefit of the doubt and just tell her how I feel or should I retain my ground that if she was trying to ignore me, I don't need her (which is very difficult for me to deal with)?

Anyway, sorry for going on for so long, I just wanted to paint as clear a picture as possible. Now, I'm back to feeling very depressed about a load of things and like a few years ago, thoughts of suicide are coming back which in itself, is mounting a lot of pressure since my religious beliefs base that if I do, I'm going straight to hell and how upset my family would be with me gone.

Please excuse how morbid and depressing my post is and I know I'm a lot better off than a lot of people but like I said in the subject, I can't find anyone around me to talk to about this which is why I've reverted to here.

Kevster

In your post, you come across as lacking severely in self-confidence, but confidence is such a great thing that it is imperative you get it back. regarding the girl, even if she is'nt keen on you - does it really matter? If she doesn't like you, then leave her alone and move on in your life. Never look back anymore - only look forward. You weren't wrong to have the F1 driving dream, but for some of us our dreams just don't materialise. It'd be difficult to say if it was failing at this dream which caused all of your other problems. However, maybe you DID put too much hope in it, so much that it hurt when you realised it would not happen.

Ultimately, stop worrying about things and always have the philosophy to move on when things go bad. I met a girl a few weeks ago but it was clear that she didn't like me in the way that i liked her. So what? I do'nt give a crap and I've moved on. I do the things in life that I want to do, and I no longer let anyone bring me down.

Kevin

Anon_IRL.Joe

How am I supposed to get my confidence back? I don't care about anything anymore.

Kevster

Be proud of yourself - that's how. Don't bother caring what other people think. Say to yourself: I'm going to do this MY way, and I don't give a damn what anyone else thinks

Anon_IRL.Joe

I thought I'd continue on from this thread as I've listed out my problems clearly in my first post.

I feel like I'm in a very dark place. I spend a lot of nights staying up late on my own thinking about things and feeling worthless. My chances for my dream to come true are slim to none, I don't have any real friends, I feel incapable of doing so many things that are expected at my age. I thought of going for my dream on my own and get a job but I don't have any confidence in getting a job. I feel like an airhead and that I won't do anything right. Having some hope resting on meeting someone is also gone. I've never had the confidence in being with girls and when the opportunity presents itself, I either don't go for it or its too late because they've lost interest in me because I'm immature or very boring. All I ever know is racing and I felt a strong sense of purpose towards it. With it not really happening, I feel like my life has no direction or use. My entire focus has been on it for the eight years and now I feel left with all that knowledge and it has no use.

I've had thoughts of suicide two years ago and they've come back to me. I've tried reading an encouraging website to not do it but it felt so patronising that it just didn't reach out to me.

There are only two reasons why I haven't done it. The first is my father. I love him dearly and I don't want to upset him. The second is that I believe in heaven and hell and I fear the torment of going to hell.

I really don't know what to do anymore. All the things that I used to do to enjoy myself don't anymore. I have no drive to do anything. I'm just about holding on to doing my coursework because I fear the mental state I could lead to if I were to fail.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Anon_IRL.Joe wrote: »

I've had thoughts of suicide two years ago and they've come back to me. I've tried reading an encouraging website to not do it but it felt so patronising that it just didn't reach out to me.

You need to address this, as soon as you can. IF you go to your GP and mention this, or if you don't feel confident in doing this then see if there are any organisations that can help you. I went to a place that helped me when I was depressed. I can't remember the name of the place or how I ended up there, but it was a mental health department of a hospital. You can talk to a councillor, they then assess you and maybe another councillor will talk to you or a psychologist. It doesn't mean you are crazy or anything, but depression is something you really need to address. It's tough, I can understand, but soldier on, things will become clearer and everything will fall into place eventually.

You might want to look at some books on cognitive behavioural therapy. There might be some in your local library.

Plenty of people are in similar scenarios, you are definately not alone. I wish you all the best OP.

Anon_IRL.Joe

I'd do that but the problem is, I'm a very private of my feelings unless I'm talking to someone I know very well (e.g.: family). I have mentioned it to my GP last year but I couldn't go into detail with him, I just explained how I went about day to day (spending time alone and not feeling good) but I never expressed the reasons. He gave me some medication that I did for a month but I left it because I felt that it was making my mind unstable.

The GP is a good friend of my dad's, and especially, because of that reason, its hard for me to explain how I feel. I've considered the idea of going to a counsellor but like I said, I'm a very private person so I feel that I wouldn't be able to express to them where I'm coming from. This is the reason why I chose to write about my feelings here since I can be anonymous. I know that none of you are necessarily counsellors or psychologists yourselves and I can appreciate the importance of seeing a professional but if I did that, I'm no longer anonymous.

I've tried, really tried to talk about these things with my dad, brother or sister. My dad often gives me the direct approach saying that I can fix things if I do this or that. My brother is probably the closest person I am to but he's on cloud nine with his fiancee so most of the time, he isn't really there for me. I've also been in a couple situations where I really needed him to be there for me and to listen but he chose his fiancee over me so now, I feel like I feel a little bitter towards him, aside from other problems that I've had with him. My sister, well, there have been few times when I've confided in her but similarly to my brother, whenever it comes to anything she's doing for herself, it takes priority. I don't really have any close friends to confide in or family outside of that.

I just feel like a lost cause now. I don't want to resort to harming/killing myself because I know deep down that I'm a good guy and I'm just in a bad situation so I'm trying to improve things for myself by following my dreams and I'm going to see about getting a job to give myself the opportunity to move out and live my life my way. Its just that its unrealistic for me to ignore my feelings and just push on. I'll only be suppressing them and they'll steadily get worse over time.

blackie100

Hello
If you cant talk to your family and your depressed
why not ring a organisation like the samartians their Irish number
is 1850 60 90 90. Im 30 myself and was depressed and gave them
a call and it really helped and it only took 15 minutes to say the things i could say to my family. If i make another it take a lot less time.

LegacyUser

OP, I know what it is like to be in that place - drifting, aimless, depressed, having dark thoughts, lacking confidence, family locked in to their own lives, lacking close friends, afraid to let anyone else know about the inner turmoil.

OP, I strongly advise you to make that call, whether it is to the Samaritans, Aware or to a Counsellor. Reach out to someone, and start talking. It doesn't all have to come out at once or to make complete sense immediately. Just get started.

It is also important to point out that, though families can be supportive, they are not always the best people or in the best place to help someone in a crisis.

Agencies like The Samaritans and Aware and qualified counsellors are very careful about confidentiality. I know because I had the same issues about confidentiality. When I reached a point where I just had to get in touch with someone or else go off the deep end, I did and it was stressed to me that confidentiality was a serious priority.

Try to reach out OP. It could make all the difference in your life.

JuliusCaesar

Anon_IRL.Joe wrote: »

The first cause is that I've always had a dream of becoming an F1 driver. ....which my dad couldn't afford. So with this realisation, I started getting really depressed, ...

I hardly spoke to my family and just spent most of my time on the PC. I've never been good at making friends since I seem to be quite socially inept so this lead me to feel very lonely and isolated.

I was hardly going to school. Since I was hardly going to school, this also really frustrated my dad and I felt like a total a$$hole for it.

Until now, I'm not really sure who was in the wrong. Was I in the wrong because I let something that in the scheme of things wasn't very important affect me so much?

I don't have any friends to meet up with.

I went to my GP and explained what went on and was diagnosed with a case of 'Mild Depression' so I was prescribed with an anti depressant. I took one box of it and it did make an improvement ..........I haven't since.


t I've always lacked confidence around girls so I never approached her. She approached me a month ago and I was thrilled. ..she invited me to her house for dinner. ...... I decided to invite her over for dinner a couple days later so she came and we hung out for a while and ate and then we went out for a while. ......I hadn't explained to them that I liked her. .......I didn't really have the guts to tell him that she was a friend so he responded saying that it shouldn't go beyond that. I know why he said that since the reasoning is because of religious belief. .....the idea of boyfriend/girlfriend is forbidden and for a relationship to occur between a man and a woman, it must be done through engagement.

she stopped responding to my texts for around two weeks. ...She replied a few nights later explaining that she hadn't had any credit and asked me what was up so I told her that I would talk to her about it some other time.

....... Now, I'm back to feeling very depressed about a load of things and like a few years ago, thoughts of suicide are coming back which in itself, is mounting a lot of pressure since my religious beliefs base that if I do, I'm going straight to hell and how upset my family would be with me gone.

Just a few points:

1. is killing yourself easier than opening up and talking to someone? sorry to be so harsh, but I would think that you need to consider this. Especially if you have any idea of the devestation it would cause. I think you do know, so maybe the being private is hindering you and is a problem you need to tackle more than anything else. This is stopping you talking to the girl too. Opening up takes courage - can make you vulnerable - which is why it is courageous, not weak.

2 how is your GP supposed to know how you reacted to the tablets/dosage if you don't tell him? Most people try a few different kinds/dosages till they find the ones that suit them.

3 Reality sucks. But if you want, you can try to find your dream now by going after it bit by bit.

4. Have you considered that sitting around thinking is actually the thing that stops you getting on with your life? The more you think, the worse you feel, the more negative stuff you think of - which makes you feel worse etc. Maybe you need to DO more. Most of us have lots of aquaintances, but few real friends ( 2-4) that we can really count on. But you need to have the acquaintances to make the friends. And to make the true friends, you have to open up. Otherwise you're not a real friend, just a facade of a friend....

5 religion - many people disagree with their parent's religion and live. Their parents end up accepting that their children are not them but seperate individuals. maybe you agree with your father's religion, but you're living in a culture which doesn't see things the same way. I don't know from your post.

Sorry if I have phrased this bluntly. I do wish you the best, and hope others will be more helpful to you.