A Poem for your kind critique. (Absolute Delusion)

mysterypotato

Once, I was sure, they sold me the final piece it would make my delusion absolute
And for that I was happy
The sacrament of leaving long since passed
In my dotage yet, I still wait, perhaps,
As Adam did for Eve
Long days I stood looking up, ever patient, waiting for my sign
Forbidding that n'er a profanity should ever have crossed my lips as I constantly bowed and scraped
To weekly glimpse a ruddy headded man his robes swishing on up the aisle of the now near empty church
Bent upon his weekly mission to pontificate,indoctrinate and stand austere and blithly venerate,
Or at the very least appear to do so for the thirty five minutes it took.
The sure fire sale of my God delusion now rent upon the ground,
I watch all things catholic fade amidst the drone of the never ending Give Give Give, the plate passes me again
Mere coppers clinking in
So far removed from the romance that was the devotion of my faith in past times ever clearer,
My mind pushes me towards the exit,
obstructed by the hoardes of elderly seeking the last-chance saloon of their own absolution
Out, Out into a fresh sunday morning clear,
With optimism I take nature by the hand and worship in my own small way a God I still cannot find let alone understand.

Black Swan

Oh... I like verse that's free, but even in my need to roam, I found yours lacking in structure. Perhaps shorter lines of the same content, but crisp and faster moving?

Take heart. I'm really not the one to critique your work, as I stumble over my writer's block and rarely produce anything above rubbish.

ToasterSparks

It's ... wordy. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I found the piece heavy going. Even spacing it out in verses or something might've helped.

But I agree with Blue_Lagoon - shorten it up. It's more a stream of conciousness than a poem. I think I'd like it more if it was shorter. By shorter I mean shorter lines BTW.

mysterypotato

Thanks, I wrote it as I composed it with little refinement. It occurred to me at the time that it may be better 'versed' but this seemed to interfere with the context somehow. Agree, heavy going and got a bit intense and wordy toward the end, I'll take it out and whup it a bit then re-post, see if it can be redeemed..

Thanks again.

bullpost

Don't like the first line - It just doesn't flow for me. Agree its too wordy for the sentiment being expressed.

mysterypotato

Once they sold me the final piece it would make my delusion absolute
And for that I was happy
The sacrament of leaving long since passed

In my dotage now and still I wait
Perhaps, as Adam did for Eve
Long days I stood looking up, waiting for my sign
Forbidding that n'er a profanity should ever cross my lips I bowed and scraped

To weekly glimpse a ruddy man, his robes swishing up the aisle
Bent upon his weekly mission to pontificate,indoctrinate and blithly venerate
Or, at least appear to for the thirty five minutes that it took

The sure fire sale of my God delusion now rent upon the ground I watch all things catholic fade
Amidst the drone of the never ending Give, Give, Give
The plate passes me again mere coppers clinking in

So far removed from the romance that was my faith in past times
My mind pushes me towards the exit obstructed by the hoardes of elderly men and women
Seeking the solace of a personal last-chance saloon

Out. Out into a fresh clear sunday morning in optimism I take nature by the hand
and worship, in my own small way a God I still cannot find let alone understand.

lmtduffy

mysterypotato wrote: »

Once they sold me the final piece
it made my delusion absolute
And for that I was happy,
The sacrament of leaving long since passed

In my dotage now and still I wait
Forbidding that a profanity
should ever cross my lips

I bowed and scraped
To a weekly glimpse
of a ruddy man,
his robes swishing up the aisle
on his weekly mission to
pontificate,indoctrinate
Or, at least appear
for the thirty five minutes that it took

The sale of my God delusion
now rent upon the ground
I watch all things catholic fade
Amidst the drone of Give, Give, Give.
The plate passes again; coppers clinking.

My mind pushes me
towards the exit obstructed by
the hoardes of elderly men and women
Seeking the solace of a last-chance saloon

Out.
Out into a fresh clear
sunday morning
I take nature by the hand,
worship, in my own small way.

There is some good stuff here,
though a lot of it suffers from needless indulgence in "poetic" language.
Above is how I would edit it, so you can see what I mean.
Also added some punctuation.
Id also suggest you look at some of the expressions you have and consider if they need to be so poetic and try to downgrade them a bit, if you can while still keeping the meaning.
You should also review the tense you write it in.

Hope this helps.

mysterypotato

lmtduffy wrote: »

There is some good stuff here,
though a lot of it suffers from needless indulgence in "poetic" language.
Above is how I would edit it, so you can see what I mean.
Also added some punctuation.
Id also suggest you look at some of the expressions you have and consider if they need to be so poetic and try to downgrade them a bit, if you can while still keeping the meaning.
You should also review the tense you write it in.

Hope this helps.

It does, Thanks. I've not been back to poetry for forever and appreciate the feedback.

MaryDublin

I actually really liked the origonal one you posted.....something about the way it was written down showed the conflict i feel.