How to get over someone...?

LegacyUser

I don't want to give away too much info here, just in case someone who knows me is reading and I would feel quite embarrassed...

Basically, I've never been in this situation before and it's wrecking my head. I'm 30+ as well, so it's not like I'm new on the block.

Basically I had been going out with someone for a few years, split up, and didn't go near another relationship for a few years, out of choice. So I met someone over Christmas, and I thought "Ok, I'll take it week by week and see how it goes". Things went ok. I did share some special moments with this person (to me anyway) I tried my hardest to be fairly neutral, and not lovey dovey. I am very sure the other person liked me as well (they told me so), but all of a sudden, I have been given a blanket ban more or less. Now I know this person will have to go away for work, no choice really, either that or the dole here..

I know the other person also has issues that need dealing with...

So, I have to accept that, but I'm finding it hard to try and get over this person. Like I said, I have never been in this position, and maybe I'm just infatuated as it has been a while, but I was thinking at one stage that this could be it, this could be the one, but I guess I was wrong or maybe it was just my slant on things. Right now, I have absolutely no interest in meeting anyone else.

How do you let someone who you met just go like that? I mean, you only live once, but you don't want to make a complete idiot out of yourself either. I told the other person everything that was in my head as well, so I have no regrets there....

I'm trying to move on quickly with things, but it's tough. I dunno, I don't think I was "in love", as it was a short period of time, but maybe I was...

I just hope that person doesn't read this or they will put 2 and 2 together and realise how pathetic I am....

LegacyUser

notuseful wrote: »

I don't want to give away too much info here, just in case someone who knows me is reading and I would feel quite embarrassed...

Basically, I've never been in this situation before and it's wrecking my head. I'm 30+ as well, so it's not like I'm new on the block.

Basically I had been going out with someone for a few years, split up, and didn't go near another relationship for a few years, out of choice. So I met someone over Christmas, and I thought "Ok, I'll take it week by week and see how it goes". Things went ok. I did share some special moments with this person (to me anyway) I tried my hardest to be fairly neutral, and not lovey dovey. I am very sure the other person liked me as well (they told me so), but all of a sudden, I have been given a blanket ban more or less. Now I know this person will have to go away for work, no choice really, either that or the dole here..

I know the other person also has issues that need dealing with...

So, I have to accept that, but I'm finding it hard to try and get over this person. Like I said, I have never been in this position, and maybe I'm just infatuated as it has been a while, but I was thinking at one stage that this could be it, this could be the one, but I guess I was wrong or maybe it was just my slant on things. Right now, I have absolutely no interest in meeting anyone else.

How do you let someone who you met just go like that? I mean, you only live once, but you don't want to make a complete idiot out of yourself either. I told the other person everything that was in my head as well, so I have no regrets there....

I'm trying to move on quickly with things, but it's tough. I dunno, I don't think I was "in love", as it was a short period of time, but maybe I was...

I just hope that person doesn't read this or they will put 2 and 2 together and realise how pathetic I am....

How long are you out of your former relationship? Maybe its too soon for you to start a new relationship? Why were you given the blanket ban as you said, what happened? Did you and the other person fall out or something

LegacyUser

I had been out of the previous for 2 years, so no way I rushed in. I figured I would wait until I met someone I thought it would be worth trying with...

Once the person got the bad news at work , it was like they just put up the shutters, and went from liking me to nothing.....like the fear of developing something...

I am one to throw caution to the wind / you only live once so would go with the flow. maybe that person was just not that into me. if they were they would try...? I really don't know...

I mean, a few weeks ago it was "let's go here", "let's go there".....

I feel pretty low to be honest, not a position I thought I would see myself in at my age.....

LegacyUser

notuseful wrote: »

I had been out of the previous for 2 years, so no way I rushed in. I figured I would wait until I met someone I thought it would be worth trying with...

Once the person got the bad news at work , it was like they just put up the shutters, and went from liking me to nothing.....like the fear of developing something...

I am one to throw caution to the wind / you only live once so would go with the flow. maybe that person was just not that into me. if they were they would try...? I really don't know...

I mean, a few weeks ago it was "let's go here", "let's go there".....

I feel pretty low to be honest, not a position I thought I would see myself in at my age.....

OP, did the person loose their job, or were they made redundant, and now have to seek work abroad, and as a result have given you the blanket ban, or closed down the shutters as you say? Is that the reason? If you like them, and they like you then you should talk to them and find out. As you say, you only live once, so what have you got to loose, talk to them, find out whats going on. Otherwise you will keep wondering "What if" etc. If you like the person as much as you say you do, then its worth it


Did the person loose their job, or were they made redundant, and as a result gave you the blanket ban, and now having to go work abroad so they have closed the shutters on you? If the person liked you and you liked them, then what have you got to loose? Talk to them, you will never know unless you talk to them and know for sure whats going on, or it will drive you mad, so go for it! You only live once as you say

LegacyUser

they are being sent abroad, no choice in it really, contract coming to an end, and there's no alternative here. But maybe all I really want is for them to say "Look , I'm not really into you" (even though they told me only last week they were), and I got this story about losing someone, having feelings for someone and losing them. There was an incident years back with a relative dying who they really loved. Maybe it's a trigger, I don't know.
Like I said I told them exactly how I felt last week, and for that , I feel happy at least. I have left no stone unturned.. Some people say I should be persistent, but I feel I'll only come across as some desperate eejit...I mean, that person will be gone in less than 2 months....
Coming to work this morning, and all I can think about is them. It's not right....

LegacyUser

Sometimes things happen which just mean that something can't be right now. I'm in the same position myself at the moment.

Just because you guys cant be together now doesnt mean that you cant try again at some point in the future. If they have to go away then theres nothing they can do and they probably feels even more devastated than you do considering they have to leave their life here. They must be very upset.

I think you should be very very proud of yourself for reaching out and trying to start a new relationship after so long. It must have been very scary for you and you really deserve credit for that. I would recommend you dont let this event affect how far you've obviously come in the last few years, it sounds like you're ready to meet people again, its just this time it hasnt worked out. Have you asked him/her what they want? Maybe if you discuss it properly together you may come to a conclusion of some description?

LegacyUser

well i told them i never planned on this, that i was wary of getting involved with anyone at all. I also told them I only ever took it week by week as I just assumed they would give me the flick anytime anways. I suppose after the last time, I wanted this time to be the last time. Maybe I expected too much. I just can't find an explanation of how someone can go "I like you", then to this in the space of a week. I know for a fact there is nobody else either.
It just f**ks with your head, and maybe it's a blessing in disguise for me. I didn't think I'd be feeling like this in my 30s, I thought I would be home and hosed....

What's for you won't pass you by, or so they say....

LegacyUser

notuseful wrote: »

well i told them i never planned on this, that i was wary of getting involved with anyone at all. I also told them I only ever took it week by week as I just assumed they would give me the flick anytime anways. I suppose after the last time, I wanted this time to be the last time. Maybe I expected too much. I just can't find an explanation of how someone can go "I like you", then to this in the space of a week. I know for a fact there is nobody else either.
It just f**ks with your head, and maybe it's a blessing in disguise for me. I didn't think I'd be feeling like this in my 30s, I thought I would be home and hosed....

What's for you won't pass you by, or so they say....

K, so they got bad news from work. They are probably so shell shocked with that news that it has turned them upside down! It sounds like you really like the person, and they like you as well since you said that they did. Remember it takes alot for a person to say to you that they like you! You sound upset about the whole thing, and you seem to really like the person. When the person told them that you liked you, did you tell them that you liked them? If you didn't, maybe they think that you don't feel the same way about them. They like you, so they would hear you out and listen. If I were you, I would talk to the person, and find out what is going on with the two of you, it could end happy for both of you, so go and talk to them! What have you got to loose

LegacyUser

yeah, I told the person straight off I liked them when they said it to me. granted they had drink in them at the time, but last week they told me again, and i told them everything, everything that was in my head, as I felt I had nothing to lose, and all they said was "I don't know what to say, I'm going away, and I can't develop any feelings for anyone again, and then have to leave". so, in a way I understand, in other ways, I don't understand at all

you like someone. what's the problem. it's black and white for me...

if they just said "i'm not into you", it would be a reasonable explanation. i suppose when you meet people who i think are worth it, why just give up on it, but i feel i have to not be in touch at all to let them see what they really want...

maybe I am just infatuated as I have been out of "the game" for so long....

I won't be back in it for a long while after this...

LegacyUser

Hey OP,
I can fully empathize with how you feel, in terms of the insecurity and so on. I came out of a serious long term relationship only 6 months ago, and was very badly damaged by the experience, I thought life as I knew it was over! I spent many weeks moping around, hoping things would go back to the way they were... but eventually I started going out again, having a good time with my friends.

I definitely wasn't on the lookout for another relationship, but like you, around Xmas time I met someone I really liked. It was a very slow burner, I did all the chasing, but throughout January and into this month we went on loads of dates, and we both agreed we were "official" a couple of weeks ago.

However, I do sometimes feel "insecure" about it all, I wonder how much she is into me, is she into me as much as I am into her, etc... And I just know if I think rationally about it that I'm over-analysing it, my confidence took a real battering last year, so I do find it hard to feel secure and confident with another person, but I really want to give it a real go with this girl.

My advice would be to talk to him/her... if you really like the person you've nothing to lose, maybe they'd love an arm around the shoulder if they're going through a tough time with the job loss or whatever. Unless you ask and talk to them, you'll always wonder...

LegacyUser

i told them the other day everything, how i felt about everything, and they just said "I dont know what to say" so I said "do you like me?" and they said "yes." what can you say, there is no logical explanation to me...
I was told to let them go, even though they only told me a day before they liked me. It's messed with my head so much..

LegacyUser

notuseful wrote: »

yeah, I told the person straight off I liked them when they said it to me. granted they had drink in them at the time, but last week they told me again, and i told them everything, everything that was in my head, as I felt I had nothing to lose, and all they said was "I don't know what to say, I'm going away, and I can't develop any feelings for anyone again, and then have to leave". so, in a way I understand, in other ways, I don't understand at all

you like someone. what's the problem. it's black and white for me...

if they just said "i'm not into you", it would be a reasonable explanation. i suppose when you meet people who i think are worth it, why just give up on it, but i feel i have to not be in touch at all to let them see what they really want...

maybe I am just infatuated as I have been out of "the game" for so long....

I won't be back in it for a long while after this...

I think if you decide to "Not be in touch at all" will not help your situation at all. You are clearly upset by the situation, and the other person more than likely is as well. You are in you 30s you said and you met someone who you really like, and they like you. You would not be appear "Desperate" as you stated, but approaching the situation in a positive way. The only way you will know what is going on is to talk to the person, and get it sorted out, otherwise you will be driven mad, and "not knowing". Let us know how you get on, good luck

ilovebiology

notuseful wrote: »

yeah, I told the person straight off I liked them when they said it to me. granted they had drink in them at the time, but last week they told me again, and i told them everything, everything that was in my head, as I felt I had nothing to lose, and all they said was "I don't know what to say, I'm going away, and I can't develop any feelings for anyone again, and then have to leave". so, in a way I understand, in other ways, I don't understand at all

you like someone. what's the problem. it's black and white for me...

if they just said "i'm not into you", it would be a reasonable explanation. i suppose when you meet people who i think are worth it, why just give up on it, but i feel i have to not be in touch at all to let them see what they really want...

maybe I am just infatuated as I have been out of "the game" for so long....

I won't be back in it for a long while after this...[/QUOTE


What is it that you think they really want OP? FInd out, ask them

LegacyUser

they did say to me "I don't know what I want", so maybe that's my answer right there....
I have come to the conclusion that they are also masking the bigger issues in their head by just work work work, and then drink, harsh but true, so if that person gets in touch with me, I'll just tell them to fix between their ears, and who knows, maybe something could happen.
I mean, if this person (who has low self esteem about looks etc, and has no need to, as they are good looking) is used to be called ugly and horroble by exes, then maybe the fact that I didn't say anything negative ever is a shock to them... ???? who knows at this stage...not heard anything this week, and am stubborn enough not to get in touch. it could be my downfall, but it feels like the right thing for me to do for now...

ilovebiology

notuseful wrote: »

they did say to me "I don't know what I want", so maybe that's my answer right there....
I have come to the conclusion that they are also masking the bigger issues in their head by just work work work, and then drink, harsh but true, so if that person gets in touch with me, I'll just tell them to fix between their ears, and who knows, maybe something could happen.
I mean, if this person (who has low self esteem about looks etc, and has no need to, as they are good looking) is used to be called ugly and horroble by exes, then maybe the fact that I didn't say anything negative ever is a shock to them... ???? who knows at this stage...not heard anything this week, and am stubborn enough not to get in touch. it could be my downfall, but it feels like the right thing for me to do for now...

OP!!! How do you know for sure that "they are also masking the bigger issues in their head by just work work work, and then drink" as you said? It sounds like this person has and has gone through a hard time with boyfriends/girlfriends before you, so maybe they are afraid that you would end up being the same way to them, and you won't know for sure unless you go talk to them! OP, you have got to be a guy, only guys can be this stubborn!!!!! You really like this person, and they like you, so why don't you be a MAN and go and talk to them? You could end up missing out on someone you like, and who likes you..........how often do you come across a situation like that?

LegacyUser

they admitted as much to me that they were masking some problems, and the whole reason they ceased contact is that don't want to go through having to leave someone again, which is what is going to happen. Yes, they did go through hard times in previous relationships, and I never met someone with so little self esteem (even by my standards!!)
Yes, I do like the person, but I can't make them do anything they don't want to. Maybe this week they will have had time to think about things, and might get in touch, but I feel like I have done my part already. I could well be shooting myself in the foot, but they told me last week not to get in touch, so I have to at least respect their wishes....

LegacyUser

notuseful wrote: »

they admitted as much to me that they were masking some problems, and the whole reason they ceased contact is that don't want to go through having to leave someone again, which is what is going to happen. Yes, they did go through hard times in previous relationships, and I never met someone with so little self esteem (even by my standards!!)
Yes, I do like the person, but I can't make them do anything they don't want to. Maybe this week they will have had time to think about things, and might get in touch, but I feel like I have done my part already. I could well be shooting myself in the foot, but they told me last week not to get in touch, so I have to at least respect their wishes....

So the person has soem problems. The question is OP, will you ever get in touch with them again? Or are you going to let them go completely? Maybe in a while they might have their problems sorted out, would you get in touch with them then?
It is your decision but you like each other, and it would be a waste if you didnt IMO

LegacyUser

If they did sort out their problems, which there is no denying they have, (I have mine, so does everybody), then they could potentially be the perfect person for me.
Granted, my situation in life isn't the best at the moment either, so I'm not so confident or sure of myself.
Ideal world: I meet them if they ever come back to Ireland and aren't hitched, we're both in a good place in life and live happily ever after... (this isn't the movies though....)
I would love to get in touch again, but they won't be around for much longer so it won't make a difference regardless. They know how I feel, I think I know how they feel, but they just seem scared to actually do something about it or at least attempt it which pi55es me off...

The whole idea of having to go out "on the pull" makes me sick, I have no interest in it anymore...

ilovebiology

notuseful wrote: »

If they did sort out their problems, which there is no denying they have, (I have mine, so does everybody), then they could potentially be the perfect person for me.
Granted, my situation in life isn't the best at the moment either, so I'm not so confident or sure of myself.
Ideal world: I meet them if they ever come back to Ireland and aren't hitched, we're both in a good place in life and live happily ever after... (this isn't the movies though....)
I would love to get in touch again, but they won't be around for much longer so it won't make a difference regardless. They know how I feel, I think I know how they feel, but they just seem scared to actually do something about it or at least attempt it which pi55es me off...

The whole idea of having to go out "on the pull" makes me sick, I have no interest in it anymore...

I think I might know who the OP is! Could you drop me a PM please and I would know more, thanks

LegacyUser

well, I did hear from the other person out of the blue earlier, and they seem unhappy about it, but that's life I guess. I would be excited at the prospect of it...but I have permanently itchy feet...

LegacyUser

thought I was getting through the weekend ok, but only have one thing on my mind all day, and its that person. I know I like(d) them, but didn't think it would be like this for me...
This is hard, I will admit...
I suppose it doesn't matter either way as they will be leaving the country soon, and it really does make me feel bad that I will never have gotten the opportunity to even see how it went.
All I can think of now is "unfinished business". I mean, before when things like this happened, there was usually a reason, one of us didn't like each other, so at least a line was drawn under it...
This is wrecking my head big time....

LegacyUser

notuseful wrote: »

If they did sort out their problems, which there is no denying they have, (I have mine, so does everybody), then they could potentially be the perfect person for me.
Granted, my situation in life isn't the best at the moment either, so I'm not so confident or sure of myself.
Ideal world: I meet them if they ever come back to Ireland and aren't hitched, we're both in a good place in life and live happily ever after... (this isn't the movies though....)
I would love to get in touch again, but they won't be around for much longer so it won't make a difference regardless. They know how I feel, I think I know how they feel, but they just seem scared to actually do something about it or at least attempt it which pi55es me off...

The whole idea of having to go out "on the pull" makes me sick, I have no interest in it anymore...

This answers most of your questions. I also have watched the notebook, the wedding singer and pretty women too many times. Reality is you are so busted up about this and the person you are pining for has probably well over you. Ideal world this ain't Real world this is. Sorry

nicegirl

notuseful wrote: »

thought I was getting through the weekend ok, but only have one thing on my mind all day, and its that person. I know I like(d) them, but didn't think it would be like this for me...
This is hard, I will admit...
I suppose it doesn't matter either way as they will be leaving the country soon, and it really does make me feel bad that I will never have gotten the opportunity to even see how it went.
All I can think of now is "unfinished business". I mean, before when things like this happened, there was usually a reason, one of us didn't like each other, so at least a line was drawn under it...
This is wrecking my head big time....

I hear ya. I am so sorry you are going through all of this, I know how you feel. I hope that person either gets in contact with you, or you can get through it yourself. Drop me a PM if you would like someone to talk to, Nicegirl

LegacyUser

I really don't know if it's of any use if they get in touch with me or not, or if I get in touch with them, fact is they are leaving. Plus if they really did dig me, they would meet until they left, and then play it by ear after that, to see what happened. At least, that's what I would do.
It seems the easy thing for them to do is cut it, so it won't get messy. I think, at this stage, I'm just unwilling to accept the fact they were not into me as much as I was into them. (even though the told me they were.....) I'm just at a loss......

LegacyUser

dont really want a reply at this stage, but I just feel like writing it here because I don't want to wreck my mates heads talking about it. I just can't get this person out of my head. I suppose it will pass in time, but it's like a song you just can't get out..
Is it love? I don't know, I wouldn't think so. I don't know what love is. I thought I was in love once, but in hindsight I wasn't. But I never had this before, and it's just not meant to be...