Help me sort my head out

LegacyUser

I've a serious problem when it comes to self-confidence. I've just been going out with this girl the last few weeks now and everything had been going really great, but no matter how well things are going I can't stop picking out every little detail I use to tell myself that she's no longer interested.

This isn't a new thing, it's been nagging away at me for as long as I can remember. Finding myself a girlfriend is hard enough as it is when my mind works the way it does, and that's why when I find someone I really like I try my absolute hardest to block out all these negative thoughts. But it's failed me before in the past and it's continuing to fail me now.

When I say little, I really mean little. If she takes longer than usual to reply to a txt I start to worry whether I annoyed her because of something I said, or same if she's using less x's or smiley faces than usual. I know this all sounds absolutely ridiculous but I honestly can't help myself.

I've had girlfriends break up from me in the past because they said I wasn't giving them enough attention, but that only happened because I picked up the wrong signs from them. And now I'm finding myself in the same situation with my new gf. Either I'm over-exaggerating these little hints (as usual) or something is up with her. If I ask her is something wrong and it turns out I was just over-reacting she'll know I worry about things too much, or I could just carry on as normal but continuously tell myself she's going to end it soon.

My friends know I get like this and they always tell me to just try think about all the positive things that goes on between us, but that very rarely works when I still just think about the worst-case scenario all the time.

I know this all probably sounds stupid, and I'm not even sure what exactly I'm looking for by posting this, but I just wish I had the confidence to tell myself things are going great and I should just start enjoying myself.

Angus Og

I think you need more time with her physically, rather than all this texting stuff. You aren't the only person who finds these little things hard to understand. It's much easier to make your feelings clear in person, and I don't doubt that she would probably prefer it that way too.

If texting is necessary, then just go with it. Don't read anything into her text messages, just accept them the way they are. The only part of a relationship that matters is the part when you are actually together, not when connected by a phone network/Internet.

Always be positive in your texts, that way you can avoid any misunderstandings.

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I can understand exactly where you are coming from.
This siunds Cliché but ring or text as much as you like in a relationship and if they're the right person they will be only too happy to hear from you.
It took me a long time to find someone who likes to keep in regular contact like myself so you do your normal things and don't have time to think as you're not long after they're last phonecall or text. If you have taht situation then there's less time to over react to things and feel paranoid.
Just relax and get to know someone like the way you would like them to get to know you.
I.E Keep in regular contact and also make regular dates and make sure it's all fun fun fun and no serious stuff and you will do great.
Good luck

LegacyUser

Hey, OP here.

Thanks for the advice, but unfortunately it's starting to look like I haven't been over-analysing as much as I had hoped. Don't want to go into too much detail but the jist of it was she ended up going out with her friends instead of seeing me for a bit first, and never bothered to let me know until after she was already out and I had gone home.

I've talked to a few people about what's been going on and they seem to think I'm talking to her too much and she needs a bit of space, in other words the complete opposite of what I've been told here! I was talking to her for a minute this morning just to see how her night went, but again these same negative thoughts kept on coming back, more so than usual now after what happened last night.

I've decided to use my friends advice and just leave her be for a while, but the longer I'm doing this the longer I start to worry that things are finishing up with her. I know this is becoming really difficult for me to do, but I'd rather that then find out my friend was right all along and just annoy her even more by calling/txting.

Of course this would all be solved if I just had some confidence to sort it out once and for all

LegacyUser

neeedsomehelp wrote: »

I've talked to a few people about what's been going on and they seem to think I'm talking to her too much and she needs a bit of space, in other words the complete opposite of what I've been told here! I was talking to her for a minute this morning just to see how her night went, but again these same negative thoughts kept on coming back, more so than usual now after what happened last night.

There's no right or wrong amount of talking between two people. Whatever is comfortable for both parties involved is the right amount.
It seems that you only want to talk to her to alleviate your insecurities and that's why your friends are telling you to give her a bit of space. If you were talking to her just because you like talking her, that'd be a whole different ball game.
It's always really tough at the beginning of relationships, and it's the same for everybody not just you. It takes time to get to know the other person, all you can do is take each new bit of information about this girl as you get it and process it then. Building a picture of her personality won't happen overnight, it'll take time.

Good luck : )

Scráib

Hey OP,

I'd be slightly similar to you in that I'd sometimes start worrying about tiny things for no reason & end up over-analysing situations. What might help, (and what helped me) was to take up a hobby, sport, music, anything.

Basically what it'll do it keep your mind busy and distracted so that you have more to think about than the wimmin!

The best of luck!

Angus Og

Have a nice chat, face to face. You just can't get what you need from texts. And you really do sound very negative about the whole thing. Is it because you take the relationship much more seriously than she does? How serious is she about it?

I'm just wondering if all this negative feeling comes from the fact that you are so unsure about the relationship, or if you are just a worrier?

If she means a lot to you, don't let it all fall apart because of misunderstood text.

"Of course this would all be solved if I just had some confidence to sort it out once and for all"

You already know what you have to do, so do it. Your confidence will be stronger after this.