Mam is completely irrational, but I can't afford to move out

LegacyUser

Dunno if this is the appropriate place to post this, but anyway, can't hurt.

Had to move home over the lack of jobs and am going back to do a masters in September. I'm fairly independant and have a few little projects going, but I am still financially dependant on my parents (worked during college, spent it all on drink) and this is very frustrating. I will try to make this short as I have a habit of going off in tangents.

My Mam is driving me batty. I feel like I have to step on eggshells all of the time. She has always been emotionally dependant on Dad and us kids and I'm tired of the effort of having to explain everything I say so she doesn't think I'm insulting her. Its got to the point where I am just curt, and don't tell her either way, what I meant. I just repeat what I say until she tries to figure it out or gives up.

Ok, maybe a little background is necessary, but just a little. My brother and I were both miserable as kids/teenagers with very few friends, and she made zero effort to help us out of our unhealthy situations. I left most sports clubs and events that I attended at any sign that people didn't like me there, and was given no guidance or pressure to keep going. My brother and I took it out on eachother. I'm younger butI bullied him, and he would take it until he blew up and would punch me in the face monotonously (he wasn't strong enough to do damage or even make a proper mark) until one day I got my growth spurt and turned the tables. It only took one victory and he has been completely timid with me ever since (we're in our twenties). The reason I say all of this is because I am living with my brother for the first time in 6 or 7 years and we never speak. Every time I say something about him or to him my mam jumps to his defense, no matter what I'm saying. I could be talking about the lack of tea-bags in the house and she'll think I'm attacking somebody. The thing is, she is responsible for my brother's dysfunctional personality (if anyone is), not me. Even if I bullied him, I was seriously depressed and miserable from the ages of 10-20 and I still get bouts of it now. I can't be responsible for that, and yet she treats me like some sort of aggressor. I have no time for it though and today we both blew up at the dinner table. It was about the head-shop thingy on the news. She was saying fair play to the people that want to picket them (she is strongly anti-drug, of any kind) and I was agreeing with her and saying that they were deluding themselves by saying they werent dangerous. I said that the legal drugs were safer, and she jumped in with a shocked look on her face. I told her to listen to what I was saying and not jump to conclusions. We went into an arms race of raising our voices. I wanted her to listen to exactly what I was saying and to my reason and she wanted to say that what I was saying was rubbish. I think that the idea that I might have smoked or done any kind of drugs other than alcohol (which I have, but in a sensible way) terrifies her. Totally nonsense argument but its a pain in the hole not to be able to have a conversation. I mean, she has no idea how to listen to what you're saying and will always take the simplest, most superficial interpretation of it, and will eventualy start telling you what you've said just to win the shouting contest.

I am rambling now. Long story short, she is driving me mad. She is totally irrational and defensive. I am dependant on her but I won't treat her like an emotional invalid. She is an adult and I won't apologize for the sake of the peace. She can always throw it in my face that its her house, but I am not going to bend the knee. I'd prefer not to talk to her if everything I say is going to be assumed to be an attack on something that she is connected to.

I'm really not keeping this short, but its a really painful situation and it is having such ramifications on my life. I find it hard to meet women and as she and my sister were the only women I ever new during my formative years, I think its affected how I view women now. How can I respect women when I don't respect my mother?

She even defends the dog against me. I grow veg with my Dad and the dog dug up all of my carrots a couple of months ago. She staunchly denied it even though it was plainly obvious and I caught her doing it later on. She would rather let the dog run a muck than let me punish it. F*cking nuts. I'm not a bully and haven't been since I was about 15. But if she keeps making me out to be a bad guy I'm really going to flip.

I need to get out but there is no way I can afford it. I am so depressed.

LegacyUser

I accidentally put this in relationship issues, wasn't thinking. If you could put this in Personal Issues I'd appreciate it:)

Victor

Some sort of family mediation / counselling might be an idea.

Taltos

When are you going to start taking responsibility for you?





All this blame here - her fault for this, for that, for you beating up your brother, all her fault you are a bully.
B*llsh*t.

Cop on to yourself. Grow up like you keep proclaiming that you have.
The first thing you have to do when you are an adult - and the last is one thing - TAKE RESPONSIBILITY.

Be the bigger person here. Make the effort. DON'T SHOUT at your mother in her own home. So what if she is wrong - they are her opinions and she is entitled to them.

Offer an olive branch or a dozen to your bother. Take him out for a coffee. Get to know him outside the home and let him know you.

Problem meeting women? Not your mum's fault - you are who you are through the choices you make. The only way to make a change now is to own up to you owning your life.

Until you man up - you are just going to spend your life either blaming your mum, your brother, that taxi driver who short-changed you - anyone except the one person you need to have a serious and honest chat with. You.

Now - go apologise. Cap in hand and tell her you regret being so disrespectful to the person who raised you. Did you ever think that maybe - just maybe your mum is a teeny weenie bit slow and appreciates/needs the help of you spelling things out politely to her.

GAWD.

LegacyUser

I agree with the first post maybe counselling would be best, but like the second you should try to take responsibility for your own actions and not blame others its a bad habbit to get into blaming everyone else in your life except yourself and will just leave you miserable. Your mum maybe acting out of line but she is allowing you to live under her roof and while your there you should just stick it out its tough but at the end of the day she could just kick you out so be gratful you got somewhere warm to sleep tonight besides that there is no more advice I can offer on your situation

LegacyUser

Ok, thanks Bing. I think I'm just being a little melodramatic, there are worse dilemnas on these boards. Talto, you do not know my brother. You don't know my mother. I'm not sure what you think I should take responsibility for, you didn't really specify. I don't SHOUT at my mother unless I'm being unduly criticised, and then only after she raises her voice. Maybe you've assumed that I've twisted the story in my favour and that would be a reasonable assumption to make on these things. I haven't though. Pointless posting here, so I'll just stop defending myself.

paperclip2

I'm with Taltos on this one OP.

You say your mother was rubbish as a parent and its her fault that you have turned out like this but the reality is that very few of us have perfect childhoods, most of us have one not a million miles from what you have described. Nowhere in your post did there seem to be one iota of accepting responsibility now you are an adult or that you have made any attempt to change the things you don't like about yourself. No you prefer to fester and blame everyone from your mother to the dog even for your lack of a lovelife.

But the reality is that your mother is the one who loves you enough to keep a roof over your head and put you through college! Have you any idea of how big a deal that is? You say you are grateful but it really doesn't come through. What does though, is the contempt and dislike you have for her.

OP, parents dont always agree with their kids point of view and vice versa and sometimes parents express their views in ways that make us adult children feel like kids again. Maybe its not right but its what happens in families.
Funny story; My dad once came to my house and gave out to me for dying my hair purple. Apparently I was rebelling against him. At that stage I had been financially independent for 4 years, had my own home and was the mother of a two year old but I was still his little girl and he was doing this because he cared. I could have hit the roof but I reckoned my dad deserved some slack. I owed him that and more. Your mother deserves at least that much.

Two words OP, grow and up.

supremenovice

A lot of posts here are very hard on the OP.
I agree he should take more responsibility and even if he does respect his mother for raising him, it doesnt excuse her for attacking him everytime he quietly and non threateningly voices his opinion on something, even something as topical as head-shops.
Sounds like every opinion he has is shouted down in a negative manner.

OP - if things are so bad they are ruining your life and your relationship with your family, Id reconsider going back to college and instead get a job and get out of the house pronto and reconsider college down the road.

Nevyn

How old is your mother and has she gone through menapause yet?

The_Conductor

OP- please re-read what you've posted.

You've finished in college and are back living at home and dependent on your parents.

You're delibertly talking to your mother using language she doesn't fully understand- yet she is 'emotional' and you're walking on eggshells with her? If she tells you she doesn't understand what you're saying- you make no effort to explain- you simply keep repeating yourself. You obviously have no respect for her whatsoever.

That you left sports clubs when you were younger if the other kids didn't like you- is not her problem. Getting on with other people takes effort, you very obviously are/were not willing to make any effort whatsoever.

There is an appalling relationship between you and your brother- yet by your own admission- you bullied him relentlessly when you were younger. Why on earth should he give you the time of day? You say he has a dysfunctional personality- and yet someone else has to be to blame- not you of course..... Saying you were depressed and thats why you hit him- is like the cop-out, the drink made me do it- or something similar.

You're saying your Mum is irrational and defensive- to be honest- from the little you've mentioned, I'd be defensive and most probably beligerent around someone like you..... You seem to like blaming other people- and looking at minor faults they may have, while very conveniently ignoring the gaping issues with yourself.......

You are living in her house, financially dependent on her- and yet treat her like crap, and someone else is to blame for your brother having issues with you- despite by your own admission- you bullied him relentlessly for years......

You even don't wonder why she was defending the poor dog? Dogs dig up things- its what they do....... You wanted to punish the dog- given what you've said about punching the crap out of your brother for most of both of your childhood, I can only imagine what imaginative punishment you had in mind for the dog.........

I despise bullies. I really despise bullies. You are an unrepentent bully, and a leech too into the bargain. If I were your mother- I would have your bags packed and left outside the door, and the locks changed- if I was feeling charitable, I might leave a sheet of paper with a phone number for the local hostel on top of your bags, though to be honest, personally I don't think you even deserve this.

ztoical

smccarrick wrote: »

I despise bullies. I really despise bullies. You are an unrepentent bully, and a leech too into the bargain. If I were your mother- I would have your bags packed and left outside the door, and the locks changed- if I was feeling charitable, I might leave a sheet of paper with a phone number for the local hostel on top of your bags, though to be honest, personally I don't think you even deserve this.

+1 Some people might think what smccarrick has posted is harsh but I think they are spot on. It's clear from the tone and wording of your OP that you are a bully and are happy to blame everyone and anything except yourself. You say your mother could "always throw it in my face that its her house" but has she actually done this? So what you had a crap childhood. I had a bloody crap childhood and suffered from depression but I don't blame my mother or anyone else for it. How it easy it is to blame others but what have you done? Did you try taking to your parents or a teacher when you were younger about all these issues you were having? Yes it's hard for kids to talk with parents or any adult but they aren't mind readers and were prob confused as to why you kept dropping out of activities but didn't want to upset you by asking. Most parents would worry about forcing their kids to keep doing something they clearly aren't happy at. And why is your mother to blame but your father gets off? Why doesn't he get or at least share the blame for not making you stick out some the sports? How do you know your mother didn't want to force you but your father talked her out of it? Having seen the way you treated your brother she prob fears you'll hurt the dog....there is no point in "punishing" a dog after the fact as it doesn't understand. You say you could flip out, for your mothers sake I hope your not violent towards her and if you are I pray she calls the cops on you.

Frankly I fill very sorry for your mother.

Gonzales

Thaedydal wrote: »

How old is your mother and has she gone through menapause yet?

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Exclamation Marc

You're over the age of 18, and therefore you are living at home on your parents terms. Therefore you know where the door is whether you can afford it or not. If you work in a job you hate, you leave, you don't sit around abusing the other staff until you can afford a new job. You say you can't afford to move out, so at least you must appreciate that to keep you at home is costing your family money.

Your mother clearly loves you too much to kick you out and you should not continue to abuse that You have nothing to lose by gritting your teeth and being pleasant to your family before its too late and you can't go back.To be honest, I'm suprised you still live in the house and you haven't been kicked out.

You need some sort of counselling, because your attitude and behaviour will lead to you being a loner for the rest of your life, incapable of forming any relationships, and thats not your mothers fault or your brothers, that's yours. I've heard much worse stories from friends on their upbringings where they were actually abused, and you have had it easy in comparison.

My recommendation: counselling.

dudara

OP, I've tried to read your post with neutrality, but to be honest, I think that you need to sit down and take a long hard look at yourself.

Why? Because when someone thinks that the whole world is against them, then it's usually the individual that has the problem.

Your mom loves both of her sons, but she was probably glad when you originally moved out as it gave your brother a chance to live his life separately from you. Now you're back, and she's probably frightened of the same old stuff starting again.

You can't blame your mother for the person that you are. You and you alone choose the path that you walk in life.

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

I know what you mean when you say your mam doesn't follow what you're saying and then picks it up wrong. My 60 year old mother does that too. However, I don't make her feel stupid for it. I ask her what it is she doesn't get and then I explain it to her, language has change alot in the last while and I don't blame her for not knowing what an MP3 etc is.

You mother must just be so sad that she's raised a son, that shouts at her, shouts at her other son and who she has to defend the dog from!!! You really do sound like a bully and what's more, a pathetic one at that, you continuously blame all and sundry for you and your personality. I would blame your mother a little bit too because you sound so spoiled. My mother had a problem with my lil bro when he was around 16/17, he'd started squaring up to her and employing bully-boy tactics. He's 6 foot, she's 5 foot, you know what she did? She kicked him out of the house and didn't let him back in until he apologised, 3 days of sleeping in a friend's shed and my god he learned his lesson. He was so much nicer, to everyone, when he got back in and in fairness to him he really learned his lesson and realised how much nicer everything is when we have some patience and respect when we interact with each other.

If I was your mother I'd kick you out into the big bad world. You're over 18, she owes you nothing, she should kick you out and lock the door, maybe when you've had to stand on your own two feet you wouldn't be so disrespectful and horrible to her. Repeating yourself continuously until she understands you? You're lucky I'm not your sister because if someone acted like that to my mother I wouldn't be responsible for my actions.

You need to cop and listen to what EVERYONE here is telling you, if you have a problem with the world, then it's your fault not the worlds, you need to stop placing the blame with others and look at yourself, your faults, your failings, and then you'd want to work on yourself. Otherwise you're going to end up a lonely, miserable and angry man.

Hopefully you aren't in such a sulk that you can't take this in.

LegacyUser

Op, You can't completely wipe out the fact that you were a bully to your brother just because your parents did not treat you properly. You were the bully, end of not your mother, or your father, or the dog. What exactly do you mean by wanting to punish the dog? You've serious personality issues if you think you can behave as you like, and excuse it all because, oh my parents weren't good to me. BS.

gimme5minutes

Reasonable man wrote: »

She even defends the dog against me. I grow veg with my Dad and the dog dug up all of my carrots a couple of months ago. She staunchly denied it even though it was plainly obvious and I caught her doing it later on. She would rather let the dog run a muck than let me punish it. F*cking nuts.

Yeah f*cking nuts alright. You that is. You actually want to punish a dog for it's natural behaviour after the fact when it will have absolutely no understanding of the meaning of the punishment. It is a completely pointless exercise which no normal person would even consider doing. Basically you want to kick the crap out of a defenceless innocent animal and you are pissed off that your mother has the decency not to let you. Seriously mate, you need to take a long hard look at yourself.

As others have said, you take zero responsibility for yourself or your actions. And the stuff you are blaming your mother for is ridiculous - not forcing you to do stuff you didn't want to when you were younger. If she had've forced you to go you would have held that against her instead. Blaming her for your lack of friends when you were younger, or for your success with women now....that is just a complete and utter cop out. If you had feck all friends when you were younger that was down to you. If you are having problems getting women now, that is down to you. The sooner you realise that the better. Loads of people grew up in way worse situations than you and got on with their lives and made the most of it.

In all fairness your mother seems grand, do you have any idea what some people's parents are like? Some people have alcoholic and/or abusive mothers that mistreat them and give them serious physical and verbal abuse for years on end. And these people can still turn out alright. And yet here you are whinging about how your mother didn't force you to go to some sports clubs and how it has ruined your life. Get some perspective for god sake.

No wonder she can't talk to you properly, you seem to have been acting like a total pr*ck to her and the rest of your family for over 10 years, what do you expect? So what if you were 'depressed', it doesn't excuse your behaviour. If someone who was depressed kicked the crap out of you for several years straight when you were a teenager would you be saying 'oh it's ok, they can't be responsible for that as they were depressed'.

tbh

you're the one who punched your brother in the face.
You're the one who needs somewhere to stay.
You're the one who disrespected your mother.
these things are on you. Blame who you want, the world owes you nothing, and is disinterested in your excuses. The only things that matter now are your actions.

I'd read SmcCarricks post very carefully. In the long run, your family may be stuck with you, but most other people would steer well clear. And that's nobodys fault but your own.

Nevyn

Posts must be constructive, helpful and non abusive or else there will be bans issued.

LisaMe

Hi OP,

Sounds like you're getting offended at the replies, but if you REALLY REALLY want to change, you will need to change your thinking and actions drastically.

What is more important to you- to keep rehashing your childhood or to move on and live your life to the full.

It can be hard to move back home after being in college, but I think that you are incredibly lucky that you can do so. This is not a student house, it's your Mum's house and her rules... Think of how she feels having someone in the house after you had lived away for a few years in college?

I was a very shy kid in school, but am quite confident and sociable now because I worked at it... joined clubs and worked hard at being sociable on nights out which used to be a big problem for me.

I think that some of your replies were quite harsh as wallowing in self-pity is a hard thing to get out of... But I wouldn't disregard the replies you've gotten as sometimes a kick up the ass and a dose of the reality pill can be good for us!

Go easy on yourself and esp your poor Mum... but ask yourself, how long more do you want to stay stuck in a rut and angry and keep blaming your Mum?

Redpunto

You need to move out, simple as. Even if it means sharing a bedroom with someone. Sounds like the whole family have problems with communicating in a civil manner. Once you move out you should see an improvement in the relationship with your mum.