Long Distance Break Up

LegacyUser

So the story is, been with gf now for 3 years. I'm 23 and she's 24 and we met on a study abroad program in spain. She's from America - west coast. After the study abroad program, I spent the next 2 summers for 3 months each over there on a J1 and we also visited each other each Christmas. She decided to move here last year - had some trouble getting visa etc but she eventually made it over in January on a 1 year visa. Anyway, it didn't work out exactly as we planned - she found it really tough to get a job and that caused it really hard for her to settle in, she didn’t make any good friends and was totally reliant on me.. Looking back I wished I forced her to get out there but that’s irrelevant now.. We got on pretty well all considering although we were practically living out of each other pockets. Anyway, because of the good old economy she wasn't able to get her visa renewed and she had to head home just before Christmas. Now I'm stuck in Dublin for another 2 years finishing a Masters so I can't go over there until that's finished. So said we’d play things by ear and see how we get on, we kept up the communication since she left but it hasn't really been the same, I could feel her becoming more and more distant - we talked 2 weeks ago and she said she doesn't think she wants to do this anymore - she said we gave it our best shot and it just wasn't meant to be. the distance is too much and the fact that we have another 2 years to go makes it too hard - we're only 22 and 24 and she doesn't want any regrets about this stage in her live but maybe in 2 years, anything can happen Basically she said we need some time to be single and a little space and what better time to do that that when we're separated by a country and ocean (sounds like B/S to me!). I know to many people it might make sense but I'm heartbroken and I don't know what to do - I really thought we would always figure things out. Now, it seems like she just doesn't want it as much anymore. Which I find weird considering she made the huge move to come here in the first place. I haven't been able to do anything since apart from think about her - we have talked a couple of times in the past week or so but it's killing me that we mightn't have a future together. I was willing to give it a go but I guess both of us need to be really committed to it.

I really want to keep in touch with her so we don't drift apart and we can maybe work things out. But talking to her once a week or whatever is just making it tougher and it's like all I spend doing - waiting for the weekly chat to come around. People I've talked with have different opinions - some say let her go, cut contact and completely move on but others say just stay in touch and see what happens. I really want to be with her again - especially with the way it ended it just feels like so unfinished. But I guess there’s not much I can do…… : ( Any opinions?

Angus Og

First of all, she moved here and left west coast USA behind (or do you mean further north?). Some people would say she was nuts. I wouldn't since I like Ireland, and she had a good reason for doing it. Problem is, she sounds very disappointed that things didn't work out, which perfectly understandable.

Can you talk more? Twice a week maybe? Another two years of just talking is a strain.

Could she have met someone else? Maybe she feels like she's holding you up, and that you have better things to be doing.

Make your feelings clear, rather than letting the whole thing slide. You seem to be letting your imagination get the better of you. The only way to solve that is with a clear understanding of the situation.

"she said she doesn't think she wants to do this anymore"

Sounds a bit too up in the air. Make your feelings absolutely clear one way or the other, then you will get a proper answer.

LegacyUser

She moved from California so it was a pretty big thing to do at only 23 so she was obviously pretty serious about us. As was I might I add.

As such, it's not really up in the air. She's said that we should take some time apart for now seeing as we're so far away from each other - that she doesn't want to do long distance anymore. I asked her has she met someone else but she's adamant that she hasn't. As you said maybe she's just disappointed with the way things worked out after all the effort we put in and another 2 years of being apart doesn't seem to be worth it. To me, it definitely is but I guess both of us need to be committed to it. I just can't get her out of my head!

Angus Og

If you want to get her out of your head, just tell her that you want to break contact for a X amount of time. Make a deal that you will talk again when that time is up. Things might have changed greatly in two or three months. The economy may get better, who knows?

Honestly, she sounds upset that she failed you, and is probably still interested, or she wouldn't have told you she hadn't met someone.

Just give her the space, and see what happens.

Sleepy

She sounds quite sensible to me OP. A long distance relationship of that magnitude when neither of ye are able to move to where the other is or at a stage in life where you can afford regular flights is never going to work imho.

Keep in touch, try to enjoy your masters, live your life as a single man and see how ye both feel about things in 2 years time. You could both have met new people by then, or ye could be in a position to move somewhere together and have a go at it.

LegacyUser

but what about if the both of you end up with different people just for the sake of it rather than going for it... (that's what I'd be thinking anyway...)

merlie

Hello OP,

I am sorry to hear about what happened with you and your girlfriend. It doesn't matter what age you are it still hurts when your the only one who feels that there is still a chance to work out the relationship and you are doing all the work.

The distance is far, not like you can hop on a ferry or a plane and be with her in the next hour nor is chatting only once a week. Do you chat online? If so, there are many other ways you can chat with her, like calling her via Skype ( you can actually get subscriptions to ring America for free or at a cut price ) or Google talk etc. There are so many ways to keep in touch these days, just that I think for your friendship to survive I think you would have to talk with her more than what is.

It is not easy in this day and age for anyone from abroad to try and settle in a foreign country. The recession would not have helped in any shape of form. If she knew no one but yourself over here, than that would have made it all the more difficult for her. There may have been things you could have done to make it a lot easier for her and yourself before she got here. I am surprised that she didn't search for a job for here online before she came over. Some countries expect you to have found something before you can get visa's or whatever.

When things didn't work out economically/financially, she would have felt down and it would have put some strain on you and her.
If you feel that things are not over between you two, as you say, unfinished business, than you should keep the lines of communication open. Even if it remains on a friendship basis, than support her, have fun talking with her, and see what happens over the two years. If there is love there, it will be there for you when the two years you are studying is completed.
Then you can both decide what the next step is. But you need to communicate with her more and see how things are step by step.

Good luck

vicecreamsundae

aw sorry to hear this story, long distance really is tough, and i think for it to work, both parties have to be really committed to it. i think your gf is being realistic, and you really just have to respect her feelings about not wanting to put either of your lives on hold for the next two years.

tell her how you feel... but i think she's right -you guys did give it a shot, ireland didn't seem to be the best place for her, and until you finish your masters, you can't be together for the moment anyway. Think you need to cut down on contact, meet new people and who knows where things might stand in the future.

Feel better!

LegacyUser

Thanks for the advice OPs.

The difference in opinions is exactly the way I'm feeling at the moment - not sure whether to keep in touch and stay friends and see where it takes us, or just cut contact and move on cause I'm struggling pretty badly at the moment - went to counsellor last night.

She says she wants to stay friends and would be devastated if we didn't talk anymore but that's often what people say to make themselves feel less guilty about the situation. It does feel good talking with her still but definitely a bit weird and I'm just worried if it comes to the point where she might be seeing someone else - don't know how I'd react to that.

But there's definitely not much I can do apart from tell her how I feel and see what happens over the next couple of years. I know everyone says how special their realtionships were, but e really did get on great together and it's killing me that it's ended up like this : (

Angus Og

Well then keep in contact. In fact, try and make it more regular. Once a week isn't going to help, and she doesn't sound like the type of person to mess with you. Don't keep thinking of it as two years.

Anything could happen in the meantime. She might be able to come to Ireland and visit, who knows? Two years of putting up with it will seem like nothing when things work out.

LegacyUser

OP, I know exactly how you feel, it's how I feel at the moment....