Religious Family and non believers

LegacyUser

I am in a very solid relationship with my BF, no marraige plans yet but we're buying a house and hope to have children some day. We are both raised Catholic but have done the "Count me Out" thing and have no interest in maintaining faith of any description. The problem is his family, mainly his sister and mum. We are not religious at all and when we started discussing the future, we are both in agreement that we will not have a religious wedding, if and when we decide to get married, and will not baptise our children or send them to a denominational school. I've no problem with people being religious BTW, I just don't want to indoctrinate my children.

His mum is having a major problem, saying things like its ridiculous not to have a baptism for these hypothetical children and that she can't understand why he wouldn't have a church wedding, first communion and sundry other ceremonies which have no meaning for me. His sister is 100% behind her mum, had a big white wedding and large family christening. My family couldn't care less once I'm happy and don't impose at all.

He is good at fending his mum and sister off, but I'm worried about what might happen when marriage and children are a reality and not just plans as they are now. Will they have a hissy fit when things don't go their way? And how can I make them see our life choices have just as much validity as theirs?

Nevyn

You may never be able to make them see that, but they should learn to respect your choices even if they don't agree with them. Honestly let them flap, make your plans yourself with letting either of them have any input, make it clear that they are invited to your wedding, they will be your guests, important guests as they are family but guests all the same.

If they persist in badgering you both, then tell them clearly you do not wish to discuss it even if that means walking away from them and they will get the message.

PeterIanStaker

This may be a little off topic, but I commend you and your OH for going your own way. If more were like you the country would be a better place. Wish you the best of luck.

iguana

I suggest that when you do decide to get married make all the basic arrangements for the wedding before you tell them you are engaged. That way you will have drawn a line under your plans before they can start dreaming up what they would like.

Also when you have a baby think about having a party when the baby is a couple of months old. Like a christening party, but without the baptism. People like to have a party when there is a new baby, it lets the whole family meet the new addition and is quite a nice tradition. Importantly in this situation, it also draws a line under the issue. Nobody will be waiting for a christening after you have had the baby party.

aidan24326

meandhe wrote: »

Will they have a hissy fit when things don't go their way?

Probably. But you know what? If they can't respect you and your bf's life choices that's very much their problem, not yours. You are free to not practise religion in exactly the same way that they are free to practise. Stick to your guns and they will have no option but to get used to it. I'll assume they're not so hardcore as to boycott the wedding or anything like that.

Sleepy

Good advice there from iguana. Why not ask your O/H about those ideas?

krudler

This old chestnut, me and my gf talked about this a while back if we ever had kids, I'd prefer to not raise them Catholic at all as I dont want my children to be a member of the worlds biggest paedophile protection ring, but she wants it as its what people would expect, which is probably the way a lot of people feel, since the church has its claws into so many of the schools here you probably cant get into a decent or close one without joining their little club, the "being left out of communion" thing I honestly dont get, its less of a religious thing and more of a "my clothes are nicer than your clothes, lets count our money" ceremony these days.

Stick to your guns and let them whinge all they want, these will be your kids, if more people did what they wanted instead of just doing things for the more religous of our previous generation to keep them happy and just going with something you dont really believe in then the we'd be much better off.

You'll no doubt get the "if something happens the baby they'll wind up in purgatory" nonsense unless they're baptised, I find the idea of a newborn child being born into a life of sin utterly reprehensible

LegacyUser

PeterIanStaker wrote: »

This may be a little off topic, but I commend you and your OH for going your own way. If more were like you the country would be a better place. Wish you the best of luck.

Hi OP here,
Thanks for the comments and support, it is very welcome!
We've discussed this at lenght and I just can't put my children into schools or make them partake of ceremonies when I don't believe in virgins giving birth, magic water to wash away sin or lighting candles to "saints". The gross abuses of the Church were the final impetus to us to do Count Me Out and I am not a hypocrite-we're not baptising or doing first communion for other people or because its expected. What is frustrating me is that my OHs mother seems to think we are just being trendy and we'll conform when necessary. She has given no credence to my partner's explanation of why he did count me out-he wrote a very detailed letter which he also showed her and he is of a mind that we would love our children too much to ever indoctrinate them into such a male dominated, hierarchical church which offers us no spiritual meaning. I want her to love our children but I'm worried she'll think of them differently because of how she expects a "family" to be organised around ceremonies which, for us, are meaningless.

I know this is hypothetical but I do believe I need to be prepared for a battle!

unattendedbag

Sounds like his mother and sister are just voicing their opinion. Let them flap and have their say but they will soon realise they have no power over what you's decide.

There is no need for church bashing posts here. I understand peoples views on the church but alot of people still take their religeon seriously in this country so I'd just let them be.

ztoical

meandhe wrote: »

What is frustrating me is that my OHs mother seems to think we are just being trendy and we'll conform when necessary.

You'll find that is a pretty common attitude, esp with older people. I've never had any time for any religion from the moment I could talk which my parents where fine with but older aunts and uncles would just smile and nod and say it was a "phase" or the like and I'd grow out of it. Now that I am older and haven't "conformed" they think I'm doing it just to get attention :rolleyes:

It's good you and the other OH are on the same wave length so just stick together and make your views clear after all it's your life not their's. If you are getting married down the line I would do what iguana suggest and make the plans and then tell them whats happening. Would worry about kids when it becomes an issue.

Taltos

A few things might help
1. Be steady in your responses - calm and consistent.
2. Have the responses always ready... you know the ones - that really annoy them.
3. Be respectful at the same time - if they are staunch Catholics then they will defend. i.e. Only attack when necessary. But again be consistent - use things that they just cannot argue against. Their faith obviously gives them what they need and it is not fair to try to take that away.

My favourite is - Yes I believe in a God. But I do not believe in a group of men sitting around excluding women so they can "play" with god's little children...

This might be just though one of those things. If they are like most families - they will never give up on it.
Be prepared though for the day they turn around and say - "oh and while I was baby-sitting earlier - I had little <name> baptised for you. So no need to worry."

iguana

Taltos wrote: »

Be prepared though for the day they turn around and say - "oh and while I was baby-sitting earlier - I had little <name> baptised for you. So no need to worry."

I don't think a priest can baptise a child without consent of the legal guardian. A relative might perform their own "baptism" with a bottle of holy water and saying a few verses, but if I was the parent in that situation I'd just laugh it off. The child still isn't a member of the church.

Though I guess it depends on what you believe in, whether it would bother you or not.

vicecreamsundae

talk with your boyfriend and reaffirm that you both will stick to your guns and not let anyone elses wishes sway you.

when his mom and sister bring it up just point out that they have their own opportunity to raise their family whatever way they want but this is your opportunity and religion is unimportant to you.

i agree with the idea someone mentioned about having a baby party! should appease the family a little haha

overall, once they realise you're serious and their opinions aren't going to change anything, they'll get over it and just be delighted their son/brother has met someone who makes him happy and they'll be mad about your children when ye start a family either way, i really wouldnt worry that they'd let this religion thing overshadow that. they're just tradtitional but i'm sure they'll adjust to the situation eventually!