Recommend a counsellor

LegacyUser

Hi. Going unreg for this. When I was nine I was sexually abused by an adult male. It was always at the back of my mind but for some reason it never bothered me. A few years ago (and I don't remember how or why) I suddenly started remembering and realised that the guy was in the wrong and that what he did was so terrible. Since then my life has changed. I think about it all the time - when I'm awake and sometimes I can't sleep at night cos my brain is racing over it - and I just can't get over it. I know in my head that I was a child but I still feel so guilty. I can't tell my family - my parents would be devasted to know that it happened and that they are still friends with the person that did it. And then sometimes I worry that the only reason I won't tell them is that I'm actually afraid that they won't be devasted by finding out (meaning that they don't give a monkeys about me). I've rang up to make appointments for counselling but I always put the phone down. I just don't know where to start. I've wasted the last four years of my life, my relationship with my oh is in trouble cos my sexdrive has disapperred and I just want my life back. I don't really go out anymore and so most of my friends have drifted away, I've developed a very unhealthy relationship with food, I hate myself and I hate myself for hating myself. It's like I'm doing everything I can to punish myself. I know I need to talk to someone soon or I will end up ruining everything good in my life. I don't know who to talk to - do I see a pschologist, psychiatrist, cognative behavoural therapist, counsellor.... there's just so many different types and I don't know where to start. I guess I'm looking for some recommendations of who to talk to from people who've been through a similar experience.

Kevster

Hi,

The first person you go to should be your doctor for the mental aspect of dealing with this. Obviously if you are looking to take a legal approach, then who yuo turn to will differ. Considering that what happened was illegal, however, I do not feel overly comfortable speculating any further about yuor best route to take. I am merely replying in the hope that it will kick-start more replies.

Kevin

JuliusCaesar

The National Counselling Service specialise in the treatment of childhood sex abuse. AFAIK, it's free of charge.

LegacyUser

I can't tell you how you should approach this the only thing I can tell you is what I did when I was in a similar situation. I too hung up the phone to the rape crisis centre many times until I finally had the strenght so speak. I just said "I need help I can't go on like this anymore" I can't remember about the rest of the conversation tho but I felt relieved once these words where out.

I was in quite a similar situation like you, also beeing abused when I was that age and also thought that it didn't affect me until 14 years later everything came crashing down on me. THe rape crisis centre referred me to a counsellor.
Also www.oneinfour.org are very supportive. They have a message board for victims of sexual abuse. I can probably never express how grateful I am for the support and words of kindess I received from that community.

I can only pass on to you what I learned in the past 4 years. Take your time, do what feels right for you and don't put to much pressure on yourself and most important, be gentle on yourself.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks for your replies. I actually managed to stay on the phone to the Rape Crisis Centre yesterday to ask them to recommend a counsellor in my area but then I threw the number in the bin cos I just couldn't ring it. I'll try the national counselling place recommended - maybe I will email them first as I find it easier to write down my thoughts.

Re the legal side - I don't want to go down that route. It would be my word against his and his. I work in the legal system and I've seen how rape victims are treated - they end up being on trial and not the rapist. Also his family are close to my family - one of my sisters is godmother to his sister in law's kid and his brother is my oldest brother's best mate. It would just be so messy and I'm afraid that my family would find it easier to bury their heads in the sand and call me a liar. It hurt enough when I told my oh (he is the first and only person I've ever told) and he fell asleep mid conversation and forgot all about it. The subject came up a few months later and I made some reference to our conversation and he didn't know what I was talking about.

It helps to hear from other people who have been through the same thing and have come out the other side. On good day I feel stupid for letting it control my life and then on bad days I just can't see a way out.

LegacyUser

it is a good idea about the e-mail. I wrote down a lot of stuff to, it helped me to make things clearer for myself.

I am sorry to hear about your concern with the family. If you want a legal way or not is up to you. As I said do what feels right for you at this stage.

Again this is not advice to you, just my own experience now but you need people who stand behind you and it concerns me that your partner falls asleep when you need him most.
I hope there is someone in your life you trust enough to let them know what you are going through. Do you have a close friend outside your family you trust enough? Counselling will affect you whole life, and belive me it is for the best, maybe it won't feel like it right away but it will get better at some stage. You have to do the hard work yourself and that's the mean part because you never asked for anything like that happening to you. But a friend who knows about the situation will be such a help, he can give you a hug when you need one, he can just listen, make you a cup of tea or can distract you when you feel down. And most important he will let you know that you are not alone.

Take care.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your reply

In fairness to my oh, I did tell him when we had a few drinks on us - I needed the dutch courage! I think he thought I was telling him the same way I would tell him that when I was little I broke my ankle or something like that. I don't think he realised that I was asking for help without actually asking or what a huge step it was for me to finally tell someone about it. I've brought the subject up a few times since (it's about 3 years since I first told him) but the conversation doesn't go anywhere beyond me mentioning it. He doesn't seem to get that its a massive issue in my life. I know he's not a mindreader but I don't know how to spell it out to him.

LegacyUser

I am sure you will able to find a way to get him to listen. If you can't say it maybe you can write it. Maybe he feels just as helpless as you are?
I don't really know because I never was in that situation yet. Again, maybe someone who knows you or a professional can be able to help you better. I know it is hard sometimes but I can make you stronger. Don't give up.