Loved up one minute, not the next

LegacyUser

Hey guys, just looking for feedback really. I always have gone through phases with blokes. One minute I'm mad about them and the next i'm a bit "like" them but i'm not in the throws of passion. It's always at the start and then the loves up feeling lasts longer each time til I feel completely head over heels.

Anyway not sure if that makes sense... but i've met someone now. I got out of a messy relationship that was going nowhere, he treated me badly for a long long time... not physically althought there was some physical abuse it was mostly pushing and shoving - he never hit me but I was madly in love with this guy and he proposed to me very early on. He was wealthy was older than me, made all the big gestures and completely swept me off my feet at the start. We got married after a yr and half but there were cracks showing before that... i was too in love to see them. We even fought on my wedding night and next day he was p'd with me for bringing up the point that caused the argument. See, he never spent a lot of time with me... when we met he gave up a lot to see me... insofar as he travelled a lot and would miss things to see me. I never asked him to btw. So slowly and surely he ended up not being around a lot and when I tried to talk to him about it he got angry. in the last year things were very bad... mostly arguments, him losing the head, telling me he didn't want me anymore etc. We split last year and had to live together for a few months afterwards. it was torture.

In the meantime I met someone else. He's very very sweet, genuine and honest, caring and attractive. So initially I had a major guard up giving the breakup i'd gone through. my ex tried to break me down emotionally for so long... i even suffered from depression before we met and got it sorted out... and the difference it made was unreal. I realised that I wasn't to blame for him not wanting me... and was a lot more rational and could see it wasn't working FOR ME. anyway i met the new guy and unfortunately i'm very cynical now of romance and affection... he's very affectionate btw and I'm starting to really like it but found it hard in the beginning.

The point i'm making here (sorry to go on) is i'm not "as" loved up as i was with my ex (in the beginning) I mean i'm wondering if it's because I was somewhat naive in my previous relationship and now i'm cynical about partners sticking around, about love, about marriage and all that stuff. When i spend time with my new man we get along like a house on fire. He's also 5 years younger than me which makes me feel like I can't take him seriously. This guy is really very very good to me and without the big gestures... if that makes sense. I normally hold my OH on a pedastal because i had issues (during the depression) and the oh would "help" me through it and make me feel very very lucky to have someone to put up with me. This time it's very different. My new guy has had a couple of family problems, I've helped him with... similarly with me he knows about my ex and was around when we I got separated.

My new guy has told me he loves me. I didn't answer straight away because I wanted to be sure. I told him the next day and felt completely loved up. But fast forward to a week later and I'm not as loved up as I was. He spends most weekends with me because he lives 2 hours away. Sometimes i'm looking forward to him leaving as I want my own space. I shared my home with my ex and found it difficult towards the end and especially after we split and sometimes i feel smothered. Is this normal? I wouldn't like not to have this guy in my life so I know I don't want to break up... I just feel a bit like i've jumped head first into another relatiosnhip and being so cynical I don't know if I'm 100% ready to give all of myself to someone new.... does that even make sense? It's not that i'm still in love with my ex... he doesn't even interest me anymore at all... I'm just so so scared of making the same mistakes again. Of being swept up into this ideal dream of how things should be and being treated like dirt... can anyone relate to this?

So so sorry for the long post but you've no idea how good it feels to get it off my chest.
thanks for reading. really appreciate it.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, OP again... and sorry for posting again but i'd really love some replies. Once again I'm sorry its so long winded but i'd really appreciate some advice.
Thanks

DangerMouse27

Hi!
I read the thread and it bore alot of similarities to a relationship i had with a girl who had depression.
I was luck in that i was very understanding but sometimes even that was too much for her..id ask was she ok and god forbid if i asked again even if it was clear she wasnt..she just needed space.She said she felt cramped at times but at no point did the love go.
She convinced herself and i that the love was still there but we werent 'in' love...yeah sounds simple but when your inside the situation it really feels alot more complicated than it is..
Firstly...ignore those who tell you to run..your heart is sure of your feelings and trust me its rare to have love which is returned like you have.

Secondly,find a friend who has a good relationshi ad understands that these things,the best ones have ups and downs.

Its likely a physical thing,especially if you find him irritating you more than ever even if he is not.

If you admit that the love you and the ex shared was love but this is a different one and sometimes thats a good thing.

LegacyUser

Hey dangermouse, thanks for replying. What do u mean "likely a physical thing" I'm not sure what this means. Do u think it's a purely physical relationship because it doesn't just feel like that to me. I sometimes just feel consumed by the overwhelming loved up feeling and then maybe a wk later or so i'm cynical and the bubble bursts for me. then it'll happen again

bindutantra

It sounds to me like your internal protection system is trying to protect you from being hurt again. Your emotions dont know how t oreact to love an kindness, you are used t ophysical and mental torture from your old relationship and you are understandibly going through the same motions.

Let yourself feel what the relationship is like rather than let your head decide that for you