Girlfriend with Bulimia

worried fella

Hi going anon for this as don't want her seeing this. I am really worried about her as lately she is eating and getting sick again behind my back. She knows I know she suffers from Bulima and I have no problem if she wants to get sick. My problem is when she goes on a big all out and when I come home and notice stuff all gone and ask her she makes up a story like she brought the sweets/cakes into work. The other day she was looking for something and I said I would check the paper recycling bin and when she saw me she got mad at me for looking in a paper recycling bin, I thought nothing of it but today I had to fix the refuse bin as it got knocked over and all I saw were bags full of cake, sweet wrappers etc and I could not believe she was at it again. I have told her previouslyI would help her deal with it and of she was feeling like getting sick just talk to me etc, If I say anything she accuses me of watching her etc. I am trying so hard but feel as if I am banging my head against a wall.
I want to help her but she says she wants my help but goes of behind my back after I told her I would not check up on her. What should I do or can I do. She has a perfetct body but in her eyes its not good enough .

Sorry for the long post

LegacyUser

Please check out this post.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055833471

It's fantastic that you are being very supportive and love her regardless, but bulimia is a complex illness that will not sort itself out on its own- professional help is needed.

The tricky part about being a boyfriend is that she needs to want to recover, you can't force her.

Tell her that you love her and care for her so much, but are worried about her and suggest getting professional help- it will save her life.

Best of luck to the both of you :-)

Macha

Hi worried fella,

First thing I would say would be to have a look here for some more professional advice:

http://www.bodywhys.ie/supportingSomeone/

worried fella wrote: »

I am really worried about her as lately she is eating and getting sick again behind my back.She knows I know she suffers from Bulima and I have no problem if she wants to get sick.

Maybe this came across wrong but if you care about her, you should have a problem with it. Maybe you mean that you don't judge her for it?

worried fella wrote: »

My problem is when she goes on a big all out and when I come home and notice stuff all gone and ask her she makes up a story like she brought the sweets/cakes into work....... I could not believe she was at it again. I have told her previouslyI would help her deal with it and of she was feeling like getting sick just talk to me etc, If I say anything she accuses me of watching her etc. I am trying so hard but feel as if I am banging my head against a wall.

This is standard secretive behaviour for someone with bulimia. She's obviously embarrassed about her behaviour and is worried that you will give out to her and/or try to stop her.

worried fella wrote: »

I want to help her but she says she wants my help but goes of behind my back after I told her I would not check up on her. What should I do or can I do. She has a perfetct body but in her eyes its not good enough .

I suppose the first thing to do would be to sit down with her and tell her that you know its going on and that you don't judge her or think badly of her for it. Bulimics feel guilty every minute of the day for not being good enough with their diet/exercise routine/body. So it's important that she not feel guilty about her behaviour. This might help her be more honest with you.

Ultimately, its up to her to want to change her behaviour and get help. And she has to really want to do it for herself, not for you (sorry if that sounds harsh). But obviously you should let her know you will be there for her and try to facilitate any of her attempts to get professional help.

The other piece of advice is to try not to make comments about her food/eating habits/exercise routine and only make positive comments about her appearance - but dont overdo it, of course. Bulimics are hypersensitive to comments of this kind and indeed comments in the past may have acted as a catalyst for her current unhappiness.

Victor

Hope!! wrote: »

Please check out this post.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055833471

Did you mean to link to the whole thread or one post?

LegacyUser

Victor wrote: »

Did you mean to link to the whole thread or one post?

Yep the whole thread, there is alot of helpful info on it

LegacyUser

I would say – pretend you don’t notice – She knows of course that you do – Pay no attention her compulsions. She is very angry mostly at herself but if you stick your nose in it she will be angry at you. It’s a very nasty illness and I hope she can rid herself of it – but do not comment on it at all – she already knows.

LegacyUser

The others have pretty much said it all - she needs to WANT help. It sounds like you're doing everything you can think of, but unfortunately, you can't help her. You can be there to support her and you can make sure you don't aggravate the situation, but unless she's ready to recover, she won't.

I don't have a boyfriend, but I lie to my family to protect them, and because I'm ashamed. Bulimics are plagued by guilt. I feel guilty if I don't throw up, because I feel like I'm going to gain weight, and therefore won't be good enough. If I give in and throw up, I feel guilty because I know it's wrong, and that it would upset the people who love me.

Your girlfriend feels guilty for what she's doing, and she's ashamed that she has been so 'weak'. That is most likely the cause of her lying to you.

Have you told her that you understand that sometimes she messes up? I'm not suggesting that you condone the behaviour, but if she knows that she doesn't need to be ashamed, it'll be easier. Even in recovery, there will always be slips.

I would agree with others that you suggest she get professional help. You need to get her to admit it's a problem first, or you'll get nowhere.

On a side note, it's great that you clearly love and care for her enough to seek help. Well done you.

worried fella

Thanks all for your help and advice, I really love her as she has accepted alot of my past crap which I told her before we went out. I had suspicion that she was getting sick when we were going out at the start as everytime I was at her appartment and after we had something to eat after a which she would tell me she had to go brush her teeth but it always took longer than normal. I decided to say nothing until she told me and she mentioned it to me that she did suffer from it but no longer did. Then one day while staying in afriends apartment due to movong house I was bringing her stuff in to her when I walked into the bathroom as she was getting sick. I said nothing and just went back out again, she knew I saw her and we had a talk about it and I told her I would help and support her. But lately its like she does it without thinking. I really love her and just wish she could see that I want to help her. We had a big meal lately and she ate more than me as I don't eat big portions anyway and after she was uncomfortable and asked me coudl she get sick, I could see it was worrying her and she was embarressed but I told her it was up to her and would still love her,she went off got sick and came back. I will look at teh links and hope that she someday is able to manage it as I don't want anything bad to happen to her.

She is my rock and without her I would not have got over some crap lately and is very supportive of me.

tenchi-fan

Hi
Why is all that junk in your house to begin with?

I'm a guy and when I lived at home my mother stocked the cupboards with tonnes of sweets, bars, cakes, biscuits.. i didn't even like most of it but I just had a compulsion to eat. It wasn't just boredom.. I don't know what it was. but I begged my mam to stop buying the junkfood and she didn't so I just kept piling on the pounds. At one stage I think I bordered on obese.

When she stopped buying, yes, sometimes I complained there was nothing nice to eat.. but when i kept eating I just felt awful, but I'd think "when this packet of bars is gone, well i'll have no choice but to stop eating"... then the following day she'd buy more. And I'd eat it and hide the wrappers.

It sounds really daft for someone who never had this compulsion! But I recommend you keep the cupboards empty.

I don't really know what to say if your girlfriend is buying the food for herself with the intention of not eating it all at once. I did this a few times myself and it doesn't work either. I guess just make sure she doesn't go shopping when she's hungry!

worried fella

There is not alot of junk food etc in my house I had two packets of Digestive biscuits and she ate them etc as for cakes and sweets I am not always here and we both work odd hours so she can go to a 24 hour shop on the way home form work and leave it in her car and eat it when I am gone to work. If someone wants the stuff its out there and I don't think not having sweets etc will solve it as she will regurtitate her dinner or breakfast if she wants or as I saw her one day a bowl of soup. All I want to do is help her and support her and make her understand that I am there for her etc

dudara

It's hard for someone who is mentally health to understand why someone in difficulty won't seek help or accept support.

But things aren't normal in her head, which is why you've really got to remember not to get cross with her when she doesn't turn to you.

You're really trying to do the right thing. Those websites should help. Can you get her family involved?

Emme

worried fella wrote: »

She is my rock and without her I would not have got over some crap lately and is very supportive of me.

It's great that you care enough about her to stick around but don't enable her bulimia by staying quiet when she goes off to be sick on binges. She will wreck her teeth, digestive system and her entire body if she continues to do this.

Try not to have so much junk food in the house. If it isn't there when she's feeling down she might decide to something else instead of binge. Has she any hobbies or interests?

Somebody else here mentioned www.bodywhys.ie. Tell her you're not going to stand by and watch her suffer and that she must get help.

Dark Phoenix

Fair play for being so supportive. Like others have said your girlfriend has an illness so what is logical to someone else will not be to her right now. She seems to be in a vicious circle - guilt, bingeing and then more guilt. In doing things like asking your permission to throw up she may be trying to gain some acceptance for her behaviour but the truth is she needs to get help to stop the behaviour instead. The long term effects of bulimia can be very serious so its important fer her to try and break this cycle soon.

I know it must be hard to decided whether or not to confront her on this but in order for her to seek help in stopping it may be necessary - the reality is she must know that you know and this may be a cry for help in a way

Peggypeg

Hey OP,

This is a very very delicate and tricky situation. The last thing you want to do is make her hide it or make it worse. With someone who has an eating disorder you really can very easily make the situatin much worse without even realising it. For god's sakes don't start issuing ulitmatums or demanding she does a, b or c. You really can't expect to be able to handle this correctly without professional help, even with professional help it's an uphill battle but without it you could well end up making the whole thing worse.

First off, you should try not to be upset that she's hiding it and lying about it. This illness is so horrible, she's hiding it because she's ashamed and knows what she's doing is wrong but just can't stop so try not to be angry. I can't urge you strongly enough to seek out professional help, there are also self help groups for people with eating disorders and there's some for the people around someone with an eating disorder. I would suggest you start seeking out help to make sure that you're handling this in the best way possible.

The very best of luck to you and her.