constant rejection

tryandtryagain

Ill start from the top.

I've been seeing my girlfriend for around 9-10 months now. Mid way through january we decided to move in together. We got a place that financially much cheaper for us to manage, has a nice couple who are very clean and quiet and friendly, and in a great area close to work etc. My point is, we brought down our stress factor quite a lot,living with people we didnt like in over crowded student areas where it was impossible to get a good nights rest, it was a great move.

My problem is this, when it comes to sex she's very VERY sanitized about the whole thing. There is absolutely no random sex throughout the day and if there is it has to be showers or bathroom visits to scrub in before hand. In a way I've gotten used to this even though sometimes it pains me because it's detracting from the spontaneous fun that goes with simply jumping on eachother and letting go.


Second to that is a painfully clear disinterest in having sex which is all too obvious to me at times. I have to ask her for sex. It has to be a conversation before it's going to happen. And even then it's with more boundries than alcatraz. It upsets me to think about when we're going to have sex next. If I show interest she shuts down, she does nothing to help herself get into the mood, EVER. Even though when we're having sex she has no problems helping herself to herself if that makes any sense. Its not like shes not exciting enough for me when we're there, i dont want her to change in that respect, but why make me beg? When we do get going then I feel like its only because I put so much pressure on that she gives in. She doesnt like to just make out, she said it always leads to sex. But I miss that feeling of being with someone and kissing for so long your lips are raw, you zone out and just flow. She doesnt even need a kiss goodnight, she seems content to jump into bed and cuddle and sleep within seconds even though i know shes not asleep?? It's like she treats me like a little boy, a peck on the cheek and turns over. I feel like an idiot sometimes and like I say when she does consent it puts me off because i feel its only because I wanted to. There's other stuff I guess I cant think right now and dont have the privacy to keep going.

Bottom line is I love her very much, and I gather that she loves me in the same way. I feel, actually, I know she wants to get married and I guess I'm not scared by that at all. But do I feel that breaking up because our sex life is more pain than pleasure is selfish and shallow? Or is this the most basic level that we can and should be able to connect on and that there are other far deeper sensitive issues we have yet to touch. Issues that we might not be able to resolve due to having a relatively terrible and strict sex life, a rocky foundation?

I'm confused and upset, I've been rejected the last 3-4 days now. And when I back off, even if I'm in a huff, I get a cuddle and kiss on the cheek in some kind of apology I dont understand??

LighterGuy

A very interesting situation alright ...

It sounds like she has an intimacy problem. I dont think its just a low sex drive. Best thing is to talk to her about it. In a nice mature way (cause she might flip otherwise from the sounds of it)

I think there is a fine line between wanting sex all the time and it not being present. Just like most things in life there is a balance to it. You seem to be on the side of it not being present.

I know its a cliche answer, "just talk to her" - but its the best thing to do. You are a man. You love her. You have needs as does she. It shouldnt be an issue (lack of sex)

shellyboo

tryandtryagain wrote: »

But do I feel that breaking up because our sex life is more pain than pleasure is selfish and shallow? Or is this the most basic level that we can and should be able to connect on and that there are other far deeper sensitive issues we have yet to touch. Issues that we might not be able to resolve due to having a relatively terrible and strict sex life, a rocky foundation?

It's neither shallow nor selfish to want a fun and fulfilling sex life. And you just answered your own question. If this is how upset you are after 10 months, can you imagine the resentment that's going to build up over a lifetime?

Bottom line - you're not sexually compatible. Not your fault, not hers. Are you prepared to compromise your sexuality forever to be with this woman?

krudler

I've been in a similar situation myself, sex was always only done in bed, at night, when we were both "settled in" and showered or whatever beforehand, now granted theres nothing wrong with wanting to freshen up before sex, I'm all for that, but it is nice to once in a while just go for it at random and spontaneous times, if its not working for you and its not something that can be changed or compromised then its only going to get worse for you. Persuading someone to have sex is something I'll never do again, if they dont want to I'd rather they didnt, I dont want sex with someone whos not bothered or just doing it to keep me happy, its not worth it.

op you should basically say everything you wrote there to her, if she passes it off as something thats an issue with only you, i.e you should be grateful you get sex at all or something, then I'd say its time to call it a day

legend365

OP, usually you can spot these things well before anything serious happens. Were you asleep for the first few months?

And from what you posted, she sounds like the selfish one.