can I get some comments on a poem I wrote?

Pete29

Edit: Nevermind sorry.

kcim

flaunt your talent

Maher08

A poetry thread but yet no poem, dont be afraid to show us

Pete29

Ok...sorry for having the mentality of a yo yo.

Does this denotative soul exist?
Then of what is it composed?
Ephemperal steam? Silver mist?
From where to where does it extend and how far can it go?

I feel a void within this 'soul'.
It feels dirty and unclean.
I feel the need to purify my self,
of the putrid and obscene.

I've tried all things to fill it,
nothing seems to work.
Not money, nor God,
Not even Jesus and his works.

For three days I'll drink water,
No food shall pass my lips.
No words I'll speak, no thoughts I'll leak,
To try and find this 'inner peace'.

They told me 'self' is an illusion;
to question eveything.

So I did and did not stay,
because for me it's not the way.

seanybiker

Im not a poet or anything. I have a few poems that I love but I wouldnt call myself a pro at poetry but I must say that is a lovely poem. Im not the brainiest by a long shot but what I picked up on what I read, reminds me of me. Great poem. You should be proud. Never feel shy about posting a poem. Keep up the good work.

Ronan Keating

Pete29 wrote: »

Ok...sorry for having the mentality of a yo yo.

Does this denotative soul exist?
Then of what is it composed?
Ephemperal steam? Silver mist?
From where to where does it extend and how far can it go?

I feel a void within this 'soul'.
It feels dirty and unclean.
I feel the need to purify my self,
of the putrid and obscene.

I've tried all things to fill it,
nothing seems to work.
Not money, nor God,
Not even Jesus and his works.

For three days I'll drink water,
No food shall pass my lips.
No words I'll speak, no thoughts I'll leak,
To try and find this 'inner peace'.

They told me 'self' is an illusion;
to question eveything.

So I did and did not stay,
because for me it's not the way.

Leaking thoughts is not great. Poor ending but quite nice otherwise. Good effort.

Soccertainer

nice to see the courage to bear ones soul still exists, keep trying you'll find that masterpiece

Overature

i did the leaving cert last year, and thus grew an absolute hatred of poetry, but i like this, its a nice idea and you have good use of language (i like the wording) its better than alot of the other stuff they made us learn

paddy-cork

very good

Oracle

I like your use of language and rhythm. You paint vivid pictures. The theme is thought provoking. I think there are at least two poems in there. Well done.

lmtduffy

Your not showing at all only telling.
And angsty misanthropy is only so interesting to read.
Try apply your self to less emotive and personal topics, physical things, interactions etc.

AnBealBocht

Overature wrote: »

i did the leaving cert last year, and thus grew an absolute hatred of poetry, but i like this, its a nice idea and you have good use of language (i like the wording) its better than alot of the other stuff they made us learn

To have moved one young person to ' like ' your words is a goal well reached.

My feeble effort:

' Nightly,
Kneeling,
I thank God and Gore
For the Internet. '

Oryx

I like it, its like the inner viewpoint of someone trying to figure things out.

For three days I'll drink water,
No food shall pass my lips.
No words I'll speak, no thoughts I'll leak,
To try and find this 'inner peace'.

As someone else said, the rhyming 'leak' doesnt work for me, I would lose the rhyme. Also, inner peace is a little cliched, it would be stronger if you say something different, imo.

They told me 'self' is an illusion;
to question eveything.

So I did and did not stay,
because for me it's not the way.

The last four lines let it down though, they weaken the poem and it feels like you ran out of steam. 'They', who? Stay/way - a rhyme again, Id lose it.