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No friends

  • 20-02-2010 1:23am
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I'm an 18yo(nearly 19yo) male college student with no friends at all outside college. I've always struggled in social situations since i was a young child. I was extremely shy. I barely talked at school and when i did there was only 1 or 2 people i could feel comfortable talking to. I had a couple of friends outside school but they've long since drifted away. So i've basically been friendless for about 4 years now. Its not been easy as you can imagine but i suppose you just get used to it after a while.

    I've been going to counselling for a couple of years now it has helped but in all honesty i'm basically in the exact same place i was when i started except now i'm in college not school. I remember in my last year of school i made a conscious decision to forget about the people in my school and have a fresh start with new people at college who didn't know me. So i totally isolated myself from them instead of trying to make friends with them(which i seriously regret as i'm sure i could have had i not been so afraid of rejection). I think i probably came across as arrogant or aloof at school but if i did it was just a defence mechanism.

    So anyway here i am now totally isolated and completely alone and as you can imagine my social skills aren't nearly as developed as they should be and i'm very naive in social situations.

    I often wonder "how the f*ck did i manage to get myself in this situation??" its not like i didn't have oppurtunities to meet other people i was just afraid and avoided the few oppurtunities that came my way. I suppose the fear of making friends with someone only for them to find out what a loser i am has stopped me trying to make friends with people. Its a vicious cycle.

    I've only now started gaining my confidence a little i used to have really low self esteem. And people have said i'm quite good looking so i can't really use the i'm too ugly excuse.

    But other than the fact i have no friends i'm a fairly typical teenager i like sports and music etc.

    I'm really not sure if i have Social Anxiety Disorder or if i'm just way out of practice socially. I'm just so lost at the moment. I'm struggling to focus at college because obviously i'm more concerned about my huge social problems than my assignments.

    A huge thanks for reading i didn't think it would be this long

    Where do i go from here?


Comments

  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15 pod76


    I think you're thinking too much about how to make friends. Try and relax smile more, it's such a small thing, but smiling makes you a more approachable person.

    So how to make friends, do you have tutorials/seminars with smaller groups of people? Just a simple a reference in a conversation to a same interest can spark something off. Remember being friends with just one person can open doors to many more. So make a little effort and the doors will be opened.

    I moved to the other side of the world and it has taken me time especially at the age I am now (30s) to find people on the same page. I have a lot of acquaintainces, but not many friends probably two I would call real friends and I have being here three years.

    You seem like a nice bloke just lacking in a bit of confidence.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 453 ✭✭gonnaplayrugby


    where you from?


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 62 ✭✭ella87


    hi,
    I know what that feels like!
    It's not nice at all.I'm going through something the same myself at the moment.it's always the people who deserve friends that don't have many or any for that matter.school wasn't the place for me to make buddies either nobody had anything in common with me so I do get what your going through.
    maybe join some clubs in college? I'm going to start looking for some dance classes or sonething to try get some new friends.I know it's difficult to put yourself put there.
    Good luck with it I'm sure you will have friends in no time.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    dublin

    its weird i feel really awkward in social situations i'm just so out of practice


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 15 pod76


    I was thinking after I wrote my reply about some advice I read/was told many years ago about meeting people.

    Ask people questions, people love to talk about themselves. Just the simple openers, where are you from, other subjects they are doing etc... Should get you back in the swing pretty quickly. Start with your family asking them how their days were?


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10 Remedy Lane


    was in the same situation, its just a transition period. its tough but life is all about overcoming your problems, trust me you'll get knocked down far worse than this and its all about getting back up.

    what college are you in? a good bit of advice would be to go to your lectures and sit down beside a group (they wont be bothered, most likely quite friendly) ... this way after small talk you'll build a rapport with your classmates and in the process it benefits you from an educational stand point.

    there should also be lots of clubs and societies to join, i think all dublin colleges have their individual rag weeks in the next month - plenty of nightlife etc.

    nothing will change unless you make the effort though.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    hmmm, young male, who likes sport....

    Why not join a rugby club? and the reason I say rugby club in particular is because unlike other sports like soccer at a rugby club you can have over 30 people involved with one team so you'll get know more people!
    As well as that I don't think any sport has such a social aspect attached to it as rugby does tbh.


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